Pizza, and Other Tidbits

I’m sure some of you have iPhones. The newer ones, and maybe even older ones, now will translate a voice mail into text. It can get pretty funny as all voice to text can, although I will say it’s surprisingly accurate at most times.

Anyway, I got an angry voice mail yesterday, from the nameless one. I have had a few voicemails from him in the last few days, all saying he just wanted to talk to me, he wasn’t angry, etc. Instead of calling him, which would only lead to an angry exchange, (because I was still angry, even if he wasn’t, at the audacious things he said and the lies) I sent him an email asking him to just let it go, and also told him and posted on here that I was seeing L last night. The voicemail that I received after that went from “please call me.” to calling me a “piece of shit” for ruining his relationship with B. (I did email him and ask him to consider that it was the lies he told both of us that did him in with her, particularly telling me that he was not “with” her, that they were just friends who had coffee together occasionally. Seriously, he’s out shopping for women, and I’m the cause of his demise? Hmmm. I think not. Narcissist….)

The iPhone however, didn’t comprehend “piece of shit” and changed it into his calling me a “pizza”. It really made me laugh. Pizza. Don’t think I’ve ever been called pizza before! LOL. Really took that anger and kind of made me laugh at it.

So ends the last act in that ridiculous drama. Pizza. With pepperoni, please….

My dinner with L was wonderful. He’s going to cook for me early next week. We talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company. Respectful, and kind, and and funny, and a little shy, which is very endearing on a big, good-looking, football player type! Can’t wait to see him again.

I thought my cough was gone, since I didn’t cough all day yesterday. Until he got here, and kept making me laugh, deep belly laughs that made me cough….I was a little embarrassed! But it didn’t seem to put a damper on us, so that was good.

Early next week is a good time to see him again, because I will be very busy with the grand opening for the Veterans Art Center for the next few days. I think the actual event will be a lot of fun. I’m hoping that a lot of vets artwork is sold and that they make a lot of money, as well as the center raises a lot. It’s such a wonderful project. Today I’ll go over and help my bestie who’s the curator to get all the galleries organized. She said we’ve gotten in 100’s of pieces of amazing artwork for it.

And I have open mic tonight.  Won’t be home too much today!

Exciting things happening here. The shift I felt a week or so ago is well underway, and life is amazing. Love and light, everyone.

Some Things Need to End, So Others Can Begin

It’s been a quiet day for me on this blog. I had a bunch of stuff that was unresolved, didn’t want to really blog about it. Stuff that’s been rolling around for a few days, maybe even 2 weeks. Anyway, I’ve been bombarded by some energetic stuff lately, and it was making me a little crazy. So I talked to my good friend who is a medium, and a psychic, and Karuna II Reiki master, Tarot card reader. It’s how she makes a living. I have known her about 8 or 9 years, we are close. This morning, instead of writing, I asked her for a reading on some of the issues I was having. We talked for over an hour, and she refused to charge me.

The rest of the day, I spent sorting out the information I got. It’s very personal, I can’t go into it here, but I’ll just say that I felt relieved and melancholy when we were done. What she said made perfect sense to me. And the overall message was, stay the course. Stay it with my personal life, with my creativity, with the way I am creating my life down here. And also acceptance of what is, and nurturing myself.

She also talked about how it’s the new moon Thursday. I knew it was soon, had lost track of the fact that it is Thursday. Time to set new intentions. Especially this month. January is of course a 1, the first month. The year, 2017, also reduces to a 1. 1’s are new beginnings, time to start new projects, new relationships. So a good part of my day has been spend creating a list of intentions. I told her I was going to write them down.

Speaking of relationships, last night I sent a text to the man I had lunch with yesterday, thanking him for the lunch and the laughs, telling him I had a lot of fun and look forward to doing it again. This morning I got a text from him with his correct phone number. He’d told me he would do that, since the phone he’d been using was not his, his had been being repaired. Then when I got to my sisters, he called me, after asking in a text if he could. So sweet, well mannnered. But funny!!! OMG, we laughed the whole time. We seem to get each other’s sense of humor. Anyway, it was a nice surprise, to have him call.

I got to my sisters about 3:45. We went in the pool which was at 90. It was not real warm today, probably in the low 70’s. But the pool was nice. And we spent a long time in her hot tub with a glass of red wine! LOL. It’s a rough life, lol. I made a pot roast in the crock pot yesterday and brought it with me, so we didn’t have to cook dinner, we just heated it up. It was delicious!!!

So, life is still good. I’m enjoying my sister and brother-in-law, it’s been about 3 weeks maybe since I’ve seen them. Feeling my mother’s presence so much today. Interesting day, and a good one. Many things I need to put to rest, so I can move forward with the new moon. I think I can do it now.

Love and light, all.

Working Out Sleeplessness

I see my old friend Pat sleeping on my couch, in deep sleep and I think how nice it would be, to be able to just sleep anywhere. She’s one of those people who can. My mom used to be able to do that. My mother-in-law fell asleep at an NHL hockey game once. You know it was not quiet there, lol.

I went right to sleep last night, and well I should have. 3 hours sleep the night before, 2 rum and cokes at the restaurant, and we had a little smoke when we got home. I slept for a couple of hours, and then woke up, and of course, couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s getting old, this not sleeping thing. I had taken a full Ambien, just to make sure I slept, but there you go. So at 1 AM I took a Benedryl. That’s ridiculous I know. I am aghast at myself for putting so much crap in my body, but I am craving sleep and it is just evading me.

Lately when I’m like this I have to get up and write. Stream of consciousness…just let out whatever it is. Last night I felt very comfortable with my friends sleeping here. I was not overstimulated. When I went to bed I was only looking forward to climbing in between my sheets in that bed I love. But there I was, awake at 1:30 AM.

I picked up my laptop, opened it up and began to write.

What came out was, all the tentative hope I had for this relationship with Tim. He sent me an email this morning. Telling me about his night, and that he can’t wait to see me. Not gushing, just loving. He included a poem, I don’t know if he wrote it. I don’t think so, it was in quotes but the author not id’d.

I also realized that I still miss things about S, which I wish I didn’t. But that is always overridden now with his ability to play games with me and others, and the way I am always the big loser with him, that there is nothing to be gained from him. I guess when you love someone you always love some parts of them. The funny, smart, sexy parts. But they aren’t worth the brokenness, the chaos, the confusion.

I know where I stand with Tim, and it is so reassuring. I also am physically attracted to him, and that too is reassuring to me that we can get to that place eventually. He’s not overbearing, but likes to stay in touch. He’s not demanding, but expresses himself. He is not afraid to put his arm around me, he is not afraid to take my hand and talk to me seriously. He is not overly demonstrative, but is demonstrative. And he’s also smart, and has an artsy side. He loved his wife, who died after a 7 year battle of cancer. He was her caregiver all that time. And happy for the job.

What do I not like about him? Well, he has a drawl, lol, and my mind always clicks to a redneck when I hear a drawl. But he’s so not. He is so much an aging hippie like me, even though he’s an ex-firefighter, and ex-cop.

So, I have hope that this will go somewhere. He’s a really good man. I am cautious, too cautious with him. Like I should have been with S, and wasn’t, jumping in with both feet. I resolved not to do that again. To let things grow, to fill the marble jar, before giving myself over completely. S would always put 5 marbles in the jar, and then dump it over and just watch the marbles roll out. It’s just too hard to retrieve yourself, when someone breaks your heart. Jumping in set me up for heartbreak over and over again. I can’t imagine Tim willfully breaking my heart. Nor me his. I’ve broken a man’s heart before, but not willfully. It was just that I could not match his emotions for me. That man was needy, and I am so not. I love to be in love, but not with just anyone.

So that dichotomy, between the two men, that chaotic jumble of emotions, is what was keeping me up. Tomorrow Tim and I will go manatee watching, sunset watching and really see if we connect. I’m looking forward to the growth of the seed that’s been planted.

Love and light to all.

Finally!

Just wanna say my date with Tim, the ex-firefighter was so awesome. I like him so much, as a person. It’s not sparks flying, but there is definitely a possibility that sparks may fly at some point. We have so much in common, and he is easy to talk to, and he listens when I talk. He took me to Ft. DeSoto, which is an 1100 acre park at the very tip of the St. Pete peninsula. It was beautiful. We spent hours there.

Feel like, FINALLY, I met a real man, a human being, no games. Just enjoyable company.

He said “I want to see you again. As soon as possible.” LOL. We both have commitments until at least Saturday. But I think I’ll probably see him this weekend. It made me so happy to finally have a date with someone who is seriously on the same page as me. Not looking for a wife or a soulmate to move in or take care of me. Just like me. We both said never say never, but that’s where we both are right now. We want the opposite sex in our lives, in a relationship, but we are both independent and perfectly ok alone. We both have a rich full life, but just want to add to it.

I didn’t tell him about the blog. I actually didn’t talk about writing at all, nor did he. We traded stories of our lives. I gave him the condensed version of my marriage, and relationship with S. He is widowed, and while it was fairly recent for him, 6 mos ago, he said he had 7 years to prepare, and he and his wife talked about it, and she told him not to sit around moping and to find someone if he wanted to. She wanted him to just live out his life and be happy. I like her, lol. That’s real love.

When I got home I picked up my friend who has no car and we went to the grocery store. I needed stuff for when the girls come later this week, and stuff to make hot and sour soup. Craving that. It’s been cold here. I’m afraid by the time I get the soup made, it will be hot and I won’t be in the mood for it, lol. But whatever. Gonna still make it tomorrow or Wed.

I’m pretty excited for my friends to come on Thursday. I think we will have a blast! Probably going to try to take a nap in the afternoon, and expect to be up til the wee hours of the morning.

Life is good. Amazing. Frigging living in paradise, even though it was chilly today. Windy. Way better than being up north where it’s probably cold, and windy. Happiness.

Love and light…..

Scammers, Odds and Ends

Yesterday I said I wasn’t going to write more about these guys I’m meeting. But I will write about the ones who I don’t meet that I think are scammers or are just living in an alternate reality.

For instance, I got this this morning.

“Hi good morning how are you doing…i do really like your profile and i will like to get to know more about you..why don’t you check my profile and tell me what you think…anyway you take good care of your self there for me and have a nice day enjoy your Christmas Bruno”

This morning. He missed Christmas. Well..he’s a scammer. “i will like to get to know more about you” instead of “i would like to get to know more about you” is such a dead give away. And of course this message comes from a man with one pic up, a pic of a very handsome guy.

I’ve toyed with answering him. “You have a nice Christmas too, but it’s a pretty long wait, don’t you think?” Like roughly 350 days. But I won’t, I don’t respond to people I can ID as a scammer right from the start.

I have had 3 scammers all with names that end in “-taco”. With a different unintelligible first part of their name. But, it’s kind of a dead giveaway isn’t it. They all “will like to get to know more about” me. LOL. As soon as they get back to the States.

I have had messages from 4 different men, in about the last week, all of whom have the same profile. Exactly the same, word for word. After the 2nd one I started reporting them for fake profiles. That’s on a paid dating site. I gotta wonder what the scam is, if they’re willing to pay to scam you. I don’t wonder enough to try to find out though,lol. I’ve been scammed enough.

In other news, I actually slept 8 hours last night. Finally. I’m guessing the not sleeping while corresponding with Tom the Scammer was my body’s way of letting me know something was really not right about that whole thing. It is always so freeing to get the truth and set yourself free.

I guess it wasn’t Scott reading 100 posts in an hour yesterday. At least if it was, it didn’t spur him to leave me any vicious voice mails. I suppose it could have been Betty, but if it was, I would still have expected a nasty voice mail from him, complaining about something I’d written. Pretty soon I’ll be able to let go of that hypervigilance thing I think. Because I’m beginning to realize on a really deep level that I don’t have to allow whatever energy he spews into my life again, and that it’s not that hard. I can’t get an email from him, and I don’t have to listen to a voice mail. I’m hopeful that that little read-fest was a new reader, which is cool. I like that.

Looking forward to the day today. It’s going to be much warmer than yesterday, close to 70. And warmer each day this week, which is really nice because it will be nice, high 70’s when my two friends from high school get here! We’re going to have so much fun! My handyman is coming tomorrow night to retrieve the screw out of the curtain rod bracket. LOL. But maybe I’ll get the curtains hung before my friends get here. That would be nice!!

Love and light everyone.

Considering the Possibilities

Last night I went to bed exhausted at about 10:20. I was a little sad, because Tom did not call yesterday. He had only said this weekend, but I thought I had detected some urgency in his message and thought I’d hear from him yesterday. Instead, I saw him online, but he didn’t call or even message me. My sadness was exacerbated by my exhaustion.

As I went to bed, I thought…..here I am setting myself up for more drama. More games. More stuff I don’t want in my life. I’m feeling the old push / pull thing that was part of my last relationship. There’s no need. I thought about the other guy Tim, who was excited to get my number, and committed to calling me tonight. How honest, and forthright he is, how he also makes me feel important, without any game. How he doesn’t have the need to tug at my heartstrings. And also how attracted I am to him, as well. Then there is a local guy I met at the artwalk, named Larry. My sister and my friend both told me he was obviously interested in me. I was oblivious. He’s a park ranger of some of the coastal parks nearby and also a photographer. We met at a gallery which shows his photography. My friend knows him from a charitable project she’s working on, which he’s involved in. She’s been trying to get me involved, and I think I may do that now. It’s a great project, and the added benefit of maybe working with or getting to know Larry makes it very appealing.

I thought, why have I kind of started to tie myself to a man who when he’s there, is really there, but when he’s not, he’s really not. Do I love the game on some level? No. I don’t think I do. But I think I’m a little gullible. Too much Pollyanna.

I slept solidly for 6 hours. I wish I’d slept for 10. My sleep has really become disrupted this week.

This morning during my meditation, I performed self reiki. I think I’m out of balance. Really out of balance. I worked this morning on restoring that balance. In Eat Pray Love, Ketut tells Liz Gilbert that to be out of balance for love is part of the balance of life. I agree. But, I’m not in love, yet. I’m only in possibilities.

There is no need to be so intense about any of this. There is no need to feel I can’t meet both Tim and Tom, and maybe get to know Larry. I’ve never been a player, and I don’t think I am now either. Until there’s some kind of connection with commitment I will continue to meet people and enjoy meeting them, getting to know them. When the next level occurs, then I’ll make that step.

I am surprised at myself, when I stand back, how much I want to have a significant other. I don’t want a husband, but yes, I’d be so happy just to feel my energy balanced out with male energy. I love to be in love, but I see this morning I’m pushing it with Tom, and that he’s probably not right for me. I think he likes the game. But whatever it is, it shouldn’t be this hard. I shouldn’t have had to push to get him to call me, and meet me, if he’s being honest in his messages. I’m sick of pushing. I’m sick of things not flowing. They flow with Tim, just a nice flow. And I am quite physically attracted to him. I love that he takes his grandson out manatee watching. He has a creative outlet. I also really like the way he tells me about himself, is willing to be vulnerable. We are a good match. Tom writes sweeter messages, but doesn’t follow through. I love words so much, I want to believe him. But his actions are telling me no, don’t. Not yet.

It’s all good, because I am confident that all the old stuff is behind me. I’ve really been alone a long time now, 10 years….. Even when I was with S, I wasn’t really with him. I was really alone. So I don’t really count that as being with somebody. I loved him, yes. But was I ever with him, no. And now, in hindsight that’s definitely 20/20, I know there’s no going back to that place where I spent the last at least 2 ½ years. I came down here for a fresh start…new beginning….to leave all that was in my old life in the past. My ex, my contentious divorce, my aloneness for 6 or 7 years, the roller-coaster and crash and burn that was my relationship with S. Every day, it’s farther behind me, and the future looks brighter.

But I have felt some of that old stress in trying to build a relationship with Tom. And stress is not what I want. Starting last night, I am backed off. I’ll talk to him, if and when he calls. I’ll meet him if and when he wants to. But I will also talk to Tim, I will also get to know Larry, and anyone else who crosses my path and whose company I find I enjoy. Until, that next level arises at the direction of the universe, not at the desire of my mind.

Here I am obsessing about this again, and I’m sorry. It’s boring I’m sure. But it’s really how I work these things out. Seeing much more clearly this morning. And hopeful that I’ll be able to get a nap in today, and alleviate this exhaustion I’m feeling.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Love and light to everyone.

A Rainy Saturday Morning

My sis and I went to the artwalk last night and had dinner in town. It was lovely, though the artwalk was somewhat subdued. Not as many vendors, or people. I suppose part of that was because it’s right after the holidays, so people weren’t doing Christmas shopping. And because the forecast was for rain, which we sorely need. It started raining after we had dinner and met up with one of my friends. So we came back to my house, and hung out for awhile.

It’s still raining this morning. Rain, and t-storms, and though it was 70 when I got up, it is going to drop into the 50s today. We haven’t had rain in over 2 months, it is so welcome. It almost seems weird! Get so used to sunshine every day!

Last night I got a message from Tommy, the one who won’t make plans. Except that he was making them. He says he’s going to call me this weekend, today I think. And then we’ll make plans to get together. I am very excited about it. He’s the first man who has really sparked me. He seems equally sparked.­ I am a little worried because the firefighter, Tim is also supposed to call me Sunday. If it goes with Tommy the way I kind of think it will, I won’t want to see Tim….even though I really like him. I’m a one-man kind of woman.

It will be nice to get the show on or off the road with Tommy. It’s weird how my pendulums said we would not meet this week but will by the end of next. It seems that’s true.

My sis and I want to go down to the art district in St. Pete before she leaves. Then we may go to a little Italian market I know she’d love. We might run up to Home Depot or Lowes, because I need to get something to put up in my guest room for people to hang their clothes on. She’s so funny, she gets here, and within minutes is coming up with ideas of things I need, and what might make this or that work better. I love her for it, she has such an artists view.

We were talking last night over dinner about what a perfect place this little town is for me. How it’s so exotic, artsy, so many good galleries, restaurants, and it’s such a small town, and no one even knows it’s here. It’s exactly the community that I need to be in. I saw the keyboard player at his booth selling his paintings last night. He gave me a big hug, and then told me he’s playing on Sunday at that same restaurant. I do like him…but really, I need to see where this is going with Tom. He’s really so far ahead of any of the other men I have talked to as far as an overall attraction. Anyway, I probably won’t go to the restaurant this weekend and see G play. Just would be too much like playing someone.

Something I’ve noticed about myself is that I’ve become much more measured in what I tell a man about myself. While my heart will always be on my sleeve, I am only slowly telling my story. One thing I like about Tom is that he seems to do the same, but also can put his heart on his sleeve. Last night he asked me to google Stay a Little Longer by the Brothers Osborne, because it reminded him of me. And what it did, for me, was to let me know he’s in about the same place as me. I can’t tell you how nice it is to do this with no head games going on.

I love too, that he would love to go to open mic with me, and actually perform there.

Well that’s it for a rainy Saturday morning. Lots of good things happening. Amazing how it all comes together when you get the toxic stuff out of your life.

Love and light.