I see my old friend Pat sleeping on my couch, in deep sleep and I think how nice it would be, to be able to just sleep anywhere. She’s one of those people who can. My mom used to be able to do that. My mother-in-law fell asleep at an NHL hockey game once. You know it was not quiet there, lol.
I went right to sleep last night, and well I should have. 3 hours sleep the night before, 2 rum and cokes at the restaurant, and we had a little smoke when we got home. I slept for a couple of hours, and then woke up, and of course, couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s getting old, this not sleeping thing. I had taken a full Ambien, just to make sure I slept, but there you go. So at 1 AM I took a Benedryl. That’s ridiculous I know. I am aghast at myself for putting so much crap in my body, but I am craving sleep and it is just evading me.
Lately when I’m like this I have to get up and write. Stream of consciousness…just let out whatever it is. Last night I felt very comfortable with my friends sleeping here. I was not overstimulated. When I went to bed I was only looking forward to climbing in between my sheets in that bed I love. But there I was, awake at 1:30 AM.
I picked up my laptop, opened it up and began to write.
What came out was, all the tentative hope I had for this relationship with Tim. He sent me an email this morning. Telling me about his night, and that he can’t wait to see me. Not gushing, just loving. He included a poem, I don’t know if he wrote it. I don’t think so, it was in quotes but the author not id’d.
I also realized that I still miss things about S, which I wish I didn’t. But that is always overridden now with his ability to play games with me and others, and the way I am always the big loser with him, that there is nothing to be gained from him. I guess when you love someone you always love some parts of them. The funny, smart, sexy parts. But they aren’t worth the brokenness, the chaos, the confusion.
I know where I stand with Tim, and it is so reassuring. I also am physically attracted to him, and that too is reassuring to me that we can get to that place eventually. He’s not overbearing, but likes to stay in touch. He’s not demanding, but expresses himself. He is not afraid to put his arm around me, he is not afraid to take my hand and talk to me seriously. He is not overly demonstrative, but is demonstrative. And he’s also smart, and has an artsy side. He loved his wife, who died after a 7 year battle of cancer. He was her caregiver all that time. And happy for the job.
What do I not like about him? Well, he has a drawl, lol, and my mind always clicks to a redneck when I hear a drawl. But he’s so not. He is so much an aging hippie like me, even though he’s an ex-firefighter, and ex-cop.
So, I have hope that this will go somewhere. He’s a really good man. I am cautious, too cautious with him. Like I should have been with S, and wasn’t, jumping in with both feet. I resolved not to do that again. To let things grow, to fill the marble jar, before giving myself over completely. S would always put 5 marbles in the jar, and then dump it over and just watch the marbles roll out. It’s just too hard to retrieve yourself, when someone breaks your heart. Jumping in set me up for heartbreak over and over again. I can’t imagine Tim willfully breaking my heart. Nor me his. I’ve broken a man’s heart before, but not willfully. It was just that I could not match his emotions for me. That man was needy, and I am so not. I love to be in love, but not with just anyone.
So that dichotomy, between the two men, that chaotic jumble of emotions, is what was keeping me up. Tomorrow Tim and I will go manatee watching, sunset watching and really see if we connect. I’m looking forward to the growth of the seed that’s been planted.
Love and light to all.
OMG, Deb!!! I am so happy and excited for you!! This sounds so promising and since I seem to follow you, a bit delayed but nonetheless a follow, it gives me hope for my situation too. I think I am beginning to feel what you and I talked about last week. The want is still there but there is also a fear, a fear that he will return and bring with him all the pain from before, which is what he always does, nothing will ever change so I must. Love you my friend! give me a call tomorrow if you can… I am anxious for updates!! 🙂
I know M. They can only dump out that marble jar so many times til you just refuse to go and find them all, and find a reason to put them back in. Just can’t do it another time. But Tim doesn’t make me do that. He seems to fill the jar quietly, gently, taking care. I want to trust him, and maybe, just maybe, this time it will be more lasting. I’ll let you know after tomorrow. 🙂 If I don’t call tomorrow, I’ll call you Monday, for sure. Big hugs….
I have my fingers crossed for you!! hugs, M.
I do not like that you’re still not getting sleep and I am hopeful and prayerful that it will connect with you again soon. On Tim: something in me feels like he’s what you need. Give it time. So glad the butterflies are there, “hold tight” to them.
In case this interests:
Alain, why do you think so many people marry the wrong person?
BOTTON: Because I think that unhappiness feels familiar, you know, in a way, as we’ve just heard, when there’s a high degree of neuroticism. You know, for a neurotic, happiness is very frightening. I speak as a neurotic. It’s, you know, it’s deeply terrifying to be with a well-adjusted, happy person. It feels completely alien. And, you know, at least half the population has come from family backgrounds which have not given them, you know, what psychologists beautifully call a secure attachment.
So they’re either anxiously attached or avoidantly attached, and therefore somebody who makes them feel cozy and gives them dependability and all the things that we seem to want actually comes across as a bit eerie. And therefore, you know, a neurotic person will try and shake to bits a situation which could actually be quite optimal for them.
Describes S perfectly. And I have always known that about him. His horrible childhood tweaked my heartstrings for so long. But I’ve realized I can’t give him what he didn’t get, only he can come to terms with it. But he doesn’t. He still plays. Loves the game. And uses his unhappiness to prove that he’s not worthy. I’m just done with it. Very glad not to have been in deeper.