Working Out Sleeplessness

I see my old friend Pat sleeping on my couch, in deep sleep and I think how nice it would be, to be able to just sleep anywhere. She’s one of those people who can. My mom used to be able to do that. My mother-in-law fell asleep at an NHL hockey game once. You know it was not quiet there, lol.

I went right to sleep last night, and well I should have. 3 hours sleep the night before, 2 rum and cokes at the restaurant, and we had a little smoke when we got home. I slept for a couple of hours, and then woke up, and of course, couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s getting old, this not sleeping thing. I had taken a full Ambien, just to make sure I slept, but there you go. So at 1 AM I took a Benedryl. That’s ridiculous I know. I am aghast at myself for putting so much crap in my body, but I am craving sleep and it is just evading me.

Lately when I’m like this I have to get up and write. Stream of consciousness…just let out whatever it is. Last night I felt very comfortable with my friends sleeping here. I was not overstimulated. When I went to bed I was only looking forward to climbing in between my sheets in that bed I love. But there I was, awake at 1:30 AM.

I picked up my laptop, opened it up and began to write.

What came out was, all the tentative hope I had for this relationship with Tim. He sent me an email this morning. Telling me about his night, and that he can’t wait to see me. Not gushing, just loving. He included a poem, I don’t know if he wrote it. I don’t think so, it was in quotes but the author not id’d.

I also realized that I still miss things about S, which I wish I didn’t. But that is always overridden now with his ability to play games with me and others, and the way I am always the big loser with him, that there is nothing to be gained from him. I guess when you love someone you always love some parts of them. The funny, smart, sexy parts. But they aren’t worth the brokenness, the chaos, the confusion.

I know where I stand with Tim, and it is so reassuring. I also am physically attracted to him, and that too is reassuring to me that we can get to that place eventually. He’s not overbearing, but likes to stay in touch. He’s not demanding, but expresses himself. He is not afraid to put his arm around me, he is not afraid to take my hand and talk to me seriously. He is not overly demonstrative, but is demonstrative. And he’s also smart, and has an artsy side. He loved his wife, who died after a 7 year battle of cancer. He was her caregiver all that time. And happy for the job.

What do I not like about him? Well, he has a drawl, lol, and my mind always clicks to a redneck when I hear a drawl. But he’s so not. He is so much an aging hippie like me, even though he’s an ex-firefighter, and ex-cop.

So, I have hope that this will go somewhere. He’s a really good man. I am cautious, too cautious with him. Like I should have been with S, and wasn’t, jumping in with both feet. I resolved not to do that again. To let things grow, to fill the marble jar, before giving myself over completely. S would always put 5 marbles in the jar, and then dump it over and just watch the marbles roll out. It’s just too hard to retrieve yourself, when someone breaks your heart. Jumping in set me up for heartbreak over and over again. I can’t imagine Tim willfully breaking my heart. Nor me his. I’ve broken a man’s heart before, but not willfully. It was just that I could not match his emotions for me. That man was needy, and I am so not. I love to be in love, but not with just anyone.

So that dichotomy, between the two men, that chaotic jumble of emotions, is what was keeping me up. Tomorrow Tim and I will go manatee watching, sunset watching and really see if we connect. I’m looking forward to the growth of the seed that’s been planted.

Love and light to all.

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Dichotomy

Universe - Light vs Dark by KDrift

I mailed S back his books today. I couldn’t wait to get them out of my possession.  It’s not that they were a reminder, it’s that I now perceive the energy surrounding them as so negative, so dark, I don’t want them anywhere near me.  They were good books, I bought own copies off Ebay for under $5 including shipping.  It’s just that those particular copies, sizzled in my hands and I was afraid of being burned.

Every memory is seen through clear light now.  There is no sadness, no pain.  I am happy to be walking, running, flying in the opposite direction. I can say, some of it was fun. None of it was real, not one moment was what I perceived at the time it was happening.  But that’s ok, I get it now, lesson learned.  All the tears I shed, were over an illusion!   LOL!  How silly of me! I wanted the illusion, I asked for it. I got it.  And now, it’s gone, and I’m on my way again.

All is well.  Really.  I suppose I sound bitter, but I’m not.  Just glad that it’s done.  Glad I finally saw it in it’s completeness.

I have been cooling the communication with A lately, because he was Facetiming me all the time, even while I was at the fireworks. He just sounded like he still felt there was a chance there could be something between us, and I didn’t want to lead him on, so I had very limited communication with him last week.  He texted me tonight, seemed to be reaching out. He is lonely, he is a widow, of about a year…and misses his  wife whom he loved very much.  So I talked to him for some time, I think I helped him.  I am still uncomfortable with the intensity of the emotion he feels for me, but I realize he’s having a hard moment, and is reaching out for someone to give his love to. I’m not the one, and he knows it…but it gave him some solace that I was there for him.  And I am glad I could give it to him.  He’s a kind man, a good man. A lightseeker.

There are times when I wonder why these two men have been in my life at the same time.  Such a dichotomy.  One is the ying.  One is the yang. I don’t want either one of them…but I see the difference so clearly.  I’m sure if S is still reading my blogs, this one has him pissed off, which was not my purpose.  I’m just working things out for myself.  It’s just my own personal perception S, and nothing will ever change it.  Go forth S, in the darkness that you seek.

Peace out for tonight.