Let It Be

let it be

This morning I chose a guided meditation on acceptance. It seemed quite clear to me after my last blog, Still Waiting, that I was not doing a good job of accepting what is. I have been holding on, waiting for some resolution, some miracle of understanding to happen.

The guided part of the meditation asks, “What would your life be like if you could accept someone else’s point of view all the time?” I remember thinking, “I can’t…accept lies and deception of another person as a way to achieve personal satisfaction….I can’t.” As the guided part ended and I slipped into the gap, I thought, but why not just accept what happened, as just what happened? Why not, just allow it to be, since it is, it was, what happened? Why fight this forever?

And, at least, for that 20 minutes, I accepted it. I accepted the pain, and the heartache, and that I loved him, and who he was, and who I was, and the lessons I learned, and the place to which it has brought me. Without judgment. Without tears, without any emotion about it. I just observed it, as an experience of my life.

Which is exactly how I view my long relationship with my ex-husband. I can see the good, the bad, the ending, the beginning, the differences, the pain, the joy….

And for that time while I was in that deep gap of silence, and maybe longer, I can see the same with Scott. It was good, it was bad, it was thwarted because of his inability to be accountable for his actions. His actions before me, his actions with me. His actions with her. I don’t judge, I actually have a good idea what burdens he carries. And that he carries even more now, somewhere deep inside that damaged psyche. For that I can have compassion.

I accept it is the way it is. At least for now. It may not last. But it may. It seemed to resonate on a deeper level than before. I can only hope. I can only be mindful, as I move through the next days, weeks, months, and let it be.

Which is ironic, it’s what he always wanted me to do, lol. Let it be. Don’t tell her, let it be. Don’t ask that question, let it be. Don’t look for answers, let it be.

Suddenly, I think I can let it be, but only because I have answered my questions, I know what happened, I see quite clearly. I stood in my own truth, I did what I needed to do. The story is written, the truth came out, the whole truth. The rest of the story unfolded as it should have, and my story continues to unfold, as does his, as does hers, but those are none of my business.

So I’ll let it be. Right now, I stop asking questions, I stop holding on to the trauma and the pain and the love….. Just let it be. It was an experience. Like taking a trip, like taking a drive, like any other experience. I may have learned more from it, and so I will be grateful for it. I don’t wish it never happened, because then I would not have known that I can still love passionately, unconditionally. I would not know that trust needs to be earned. I would not know that unconditional love has to extend to ourselves first. Always.

Acceptance. I hope I can continue to let it be. I know that the waves may still wash over me, I hope I can go back to this place, and let the waves come in, and go. Let the tide rise and fall again. I hope I can find the man I’m looking for somewhere along the tideline. Where all the treasure washes up.

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An Ending and a Beginning. They Are the Same Thing.

It’s been a good day.  The north wind blew in and it was blustery, probably the first day this season with a wind chill.

In Eat Pray Love, Liz Gilbert says “Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is the road to transformation.”  I would have to agree.  Complete chaos ensued from the devastation of my life.  But now, 6 weeks later, I can see the unfolding of a new life for me, with clarity.  I see what I was not getting from that relationship, and how I just accepted it as it was.  Seriously, I was unfulfilled in many ways, and always deferring to his wishes. If I asked for myself, it would only be once, most of the time.  “No” is just too much rejection for a simple request.  I learned to find happiness with what I was given.  For awhile.  Because I loved him so much.  I was always dreaming of the day when he’d want me the way I wanted him.

It was never gonna happen.

Eventually, I wanted out, because I was unhappy.  Most of the summer.  He talked me down, he kept me engaged.  I don’t know why he did.  We rarely saw each other.  What did it matter?   I settled for misery because I loved him.  Time and time again, he pushed me away, til I left and then reeled me back in til he had me.

He should have told me about Betty Boop wanting back into his life.  Or him wanting her.  He just should have been honest with me and let me know the truth.  He knew neither she nor I would share him.  So he lies to her about it, and tries to convince me there’s nothing wrong with it.  He should have told me, and let me walk away with some dignity.  Instead of dealing a crushing blow to me. A blow that left me face down in the dirt, gasping for air, while he danced.

He chose BB because she doesn’t want anymore than his warm body in bed once a week.  And that’s what he wants, someone who asks nothing more of him. Who doesn’t even ask much of him there.  I caused endless problems between us because I was not satisfied with less than.

We have had an uncanny connection, I think more from my end than his.  He used to have it, he would call when I was thinking of him.  I have always been able to feel when things aren’t right with him. The day his friend died.  Different days and nights I wondered if he was ok, and he wasn’t.  Sometimes I knew, and didn’t say anything.  I didn’t want to know.  Just the other day, with his health.  I am still concerned with that, I’m not sure that was what I had the intuitive feeling about. Waking up to middle of the night phone calls or texts.  The morning he dropped his bomb on me, I sat there shaking, knowing there was something terrible about to happen.  I even blogged about it, how I was trying to talk myself down.  But my intuition was right.  My world was forever changed that day.

It felt like I would die.  And I was dying.  The me that kept giving in, and giving up, and accepting being treated poorly, and accepted less than I deserved, and so little real fulfillment, did die.  That day, and on the ensuing days.  And now, I have been reborn, transformed as Liz Gilbert says.  I have lost some of my excess weight.  I have done my work, I have looked within to see why I accept less than I want.  I defined what values were important to me.  I have realized that unconditional love has to be extended to ourselves first.  We have to value ourselves first, and only then can we offer anything to anyone else.

I am proud of my ability to show up, to get into the arena and be seen, and dare to love with my whole heart.  I don’t regret for a moment that I loved S.  But now, I won’t accept a one way street again.  What he has with the Boop, I don’t want.  I want connection.  Love.  Happiness.  I loved being in love. I want to be loved back.  This life is too precious to waste it away on trivial sex without connection, on a love that only goes one way, in a relationship that makes you cry as much as laugh.

I want more.

My heart is open to all the endless possibilities.  I am transformed. I am stronger than I ever was.  I am more focused.  I am more sure of myself, and what I want.  I can find and make very happy someone whose happiness will also depend on my being happy.  An energetic circle, where the beginning and ending are blurred, because eventually, they are the same thing.

BLOCKED. FINALLY. 

  

I blocked him. Finally. No contact is definitely the path I need to follow. I realized on the way to work today that nothing he could say would make me feel any better about the way he broke me, willfully, with premeditation.  Like a monster.  And that anything he had to say would most likely make it worse. 

So I told him that in a text and told him he is blocked . He knows he can leave a voice mail. And I haven’t blocked email, yet.  

But as I have said since the beginning of this nightmare Saturday, there is no way back from this. I would NEVER expose myself to this kind of damage again. EVER. 

It is a huge relief, to have finally come out of the fog of so much pain. I’m not over it yet, the treachery is just so broad. But I made a huge step this morning in letting go, so that I can fully heal. 

Sigh….finally I can get on with the business of healing all my broken pieces. 

Retrospecitve

My life generally has rolled along, in a calm, fairly smooth rhythm that I am comfortable with. Working, writing, making jewelry, cooking, reading, taking care of the house, hanging out with friends.  For about a year, there was time with S included in that rhythm, but this summer he took himself out of it, needing to follow a slightly different path. I have missed him.

Lately, the energy has been chaotic.  I had surgery, and before that had constant pain and was basically handicapped, unable to use my right hand.  Work became so incredibly busy, 9 and 10 hour days have become the norm, and I’m still never caught up.  My son started a new job. My old life has just disintegrated and disappeared before my eyes.  Not a bad thing,  mind you.  Just….there were always remnants of it around.  But now our business is closed and for sale, my ex is kicked out of our old house, my beautiful boat is being auctioned off for unpaid storage fees.  Ex disappeared for about a week, which had no effect on me except it was just strange in too many ways.  He surfaced yesterday, he called my son and gave him his new phone number. Based on the number, he is still in town.  To be honest, I’d kind of hoped he had moved farther away, but then…he hates change.  I should have known he’d stay in the town he has lived in or 40 years.

S and I…well anyone who follows my blog knows that that relationship has become tumultuous, difficult, painful…as we both go our separate ways but neither of us has been quite willing to let go, for different reasons.  I’m trying to come to terms with that now, and I think some headway has been made.  I love him, I always will.  But our paths diverge, for now.

I look forward to getting back into my own rhythm.  It won’t be the same.  People, time, and events change us, grow us.  I have grown.  I have had a good look at myself recently, at my reactionary tendencies, and I know where my work lies ahead.  I also know what I need from a relationship more clearly than ever. I have known for some time the direction I want my life to take, and I will forge ahead on that path.

This morning, for the next how ever many days it takes, I am going to just sit back and breathe.  Try to assimilate all the big changes into my life, find the lessons, find some contentment with what is, let go of the things that aren’t and never will be. There’s another gong bath Friday, I am thinking I’ll go.  Acceptance, I guess, is what I will strive for in the present.

I have always considered myself a happy person.  While I don’t always feel happy, I always know that I will be, again.  My faith that things will all be ok…is  strong,  I believe the universe is conspiring in my behalf.  Living in the present, I’ll watch it unfold, and remember to be grateful.

There Cannot Be a Vacuum in the Universe

I get emails from The Secret, called The Secret Scrolls.  I said earlier today, that maybe the universe actually conspired in my behalf, to create an issue so impossible that I had to forget about S, to make way for another better door to open.  This is the scroll I got (as well as everyone else who subscribes) today.  Sometimes the message is for you, sometimes it’s for others.  Today, it was for me.  I’m about to go out on the town with friends.  Who knows what may happen? 🙂

A Secret Scrolls message from Rhonda Byrne
Creator of The Secret

From The Secret Daily Teachings

So often when things change in our lives, we have such a resistance to
the change.

This is because when people see a big change appearing they are often fearful that it is something bad. But it is important to remember that when something big changes in our lives, it means something better is coming.

There cannot be a vacuum in the Universe, and so as something moves out, something must come in and replace it. When change comes, relax, have total faith, and know that the change is ALL GOOD.

Something more magnificent is coming to you!

Compromise, or Self Accountability?

Damn, I needed a glass of wine tonight.

First a little update. A bought the house. I got 2 or 3 group texts, with pictures…waxing poetic about Santa Fe. He got to Santa Fe on the weekend. Previously he spent less than a week there last winter. And in 3 days, he decided to change his mind completely about his lifestyle, and put a contract on a house, which he couldn’t even have had inspected yet. WTF? I kept thinking something is really wrong with him. Then later today, probably because he had no response from me about the house, I got a private text. I have NO idea how it got through, but he asked if I had the surgery. I deleted it without reading, or even opening, so it would show on is phone as “undelivered”. That really threw me, I mean, how does he get a text through when I have both his numbers blocked, and it’s coming from a blocked number? And made me more concerned about his motivation to do what he’s doing. I mean, that would be severely delusional, if I had anything to do with his decision. But then, I was married to a man who still thinks his 23 year old son could be a professional soccer goalie. People are quite capable of spinning great yarns and believing them. So yeah, that gave me a little headache.

The wine tasted good. I’m only having one glass, even though I’d like more, lol. But it’s a week night, yada yada.

But then.

I was thinking about my relationships with S, and A. Before A’s text. And how I compromised myself, both times. With A…I accepted his love for me, misdirected and perhaps ill motivated as it might have been. I accepted it without loving him back, because he made me feel good. It was a lush feeling, for awhile, to have someone adore me. To hold me, before he left and tell me he loved me “so much”. To hug me and say, “Thank God you came back to me.” I had just gone to say goodbye…he was leaving forever….I didn’t say I was back, he told himself that story. I didn’t disabuse him of that notion. I felt he was leaving, I’d probably not see him again, let him leave happy. Which is probably why I worry about his motivation in buying a house so impulsively. I mean…it’s not my worry really, he’s a grown man, but how can it be a good decision based on so little information.

But I compromised myself with him. I didn’t tell him the truth, at least not all the time. When it got too much, I did. I never told him that I loved him, I never led him on, but I accepted love from someone who I didn’t love back, and that feels wrong. Like I should have been more honest, I shouldn’t have been so self absorbed in enjoying the huge ego boost I got from it. Just feels wrong. Like I used him, even though that wasn’t my intention. I tried to love him but I couldn’t. I knew I could love S, so I went back to S.

I knew I did love S. I adored him. And he broke my heart so many times. Finally I got smart and headed him off at the pass, but not before I cried a river, a fucking ocean, over that man. Wondering what was wrong with me, that he could so easily dismiss me. So the compromise there was, that I allowed myself to love a man, with everything I had, who didn’t love me back. He would tell me he missed me, but he only missed sex. He said once he missed making me laugh. But he also told me he didn’t want to be in love, or a relationship, that he wanted to see other women. So I guess the lauging and the sex wasn’t that big a deal. I gotta give him honesty. He only led me on once.

After he fucked the prison whore, which I have lots of blogs about last winter, as I tried to work through that. He knew I had begun to see A, and just didn’t want someone else to have me. I thought he wanted me. He told me everything, almost, that I ever wanted to hear, he did everything I’d dreamed about. It took me about 30 seconds to cast A aside and be with S.

And then once S knew I was with him, not A….all those things disappeared, never to be seen again. And we went back to our non-relationship status and it hurt more than ever.

Because I compromised myself. I gave myself willingly, because I wanted to love him. And I didn’t care that he didn’t love me. I let myself do that….treated myself like a tramp, like shit, because I wanted to love him. He treated me…ok, unless he was having a bad day, but he never was dishonest with me, except that one time, to keep me from being with A. I shouldn’t have allowed that either.

So here I am, compromised. By two men, on opposite ends of the spectrum. One, I let him love me, and I didn’t, couldn’t, love him back, but let him lavish it on me, just to make myself feel valuable. The other, I loved, with nothing in return. I let myself be used. Used honestly. It was only my fault.

So the question is…..should I be feeling bad about any of this? Am I responsible for the fact that A loved me, unrequited? No more than S is responsible that I loved him, unrequited. We can only control our own emotions. We can only set our own standards for ourselves.

A loved me, (I am not sure that’s even past tense at the moment), but I’m not responsible for his emotions. I never led him on, I just enjoyed his company. Until recently, when he was wanting a bigger camper “in case” I wanted to come see him, and then suddenly a house. And the way his conversation went far more intimate than I was comfortable with.

S…didn’t. I knew it. He’s not responsible for my emotions. I guess I kept thinking that he would love me someday, that some day he’d want me the way I wanted him. But it was my stupid dream, his was to be free. Over time, I began to detach. We saw each other rarely, we talked a lot, but there was nothing growing there, except separation. I accepted that over the summer, and little by little let the dream go. When he lost his temper with me over nothing this past weekend, it was not hard at all to close the book, and decide not to turn the page. I hadn’t seen him in a month. While I thought I missed him, I was actually in the process of detaching. This was the first time it has not hurt. Maybe there are no tears left to cry, but at any rate, I’m not and that’s a good thing.

(Let me just note here, that I have not been blogging about S and I for some time now.  The things in this blog are all things I have published before, so I don’t feel like I am breaking any trust by talking about them.  I cannot write this blog without mentioning them.  I am not going into any detail about why I closed the book on that relationship, now or ever.  If I did, I would be breaking the trust.)

Going forward….I don’t want to compromise. I will choose, yes choose, to love only someone who is capable of loving me back. I will not stay with someone just because he loves me. I will have balance, or be alone. It’s only myself that I have to not let down. No one else. Maybe I’ll be alone, but that would be preferable to not liking the person I have become. I’m alone right now, and you know what? It feels fine.

Comes a time

I don’t know why we can’t keep things on an even keel.  Yesterday, driving to work, I realized, I don’t want to take the place of his ex.  I want my own new, and unique place in his heart.  I don’t want the feeling he has for her, I want my own account full of his love and passion.

When you love someone, do you ever really stop?  Do you have to “get over” them?  Or do you just have to forgive, do you just have to accept that the past will always be what it is, and move on?  I love my exes.  Not the way I once loved them, because time and events temper that, but I could never say I didn’t love them.  Even at the height of my contentious divorce, I wished no ill will on my ex, I wished he’d find a way to be happy.  I remember thinking, when things were ugly, why is he doing this to me?  I love him.  Then at some point, I realized the dark and ugly place he was living in, in his own mind, devoid of any human love or caring.  My heart aches for that and still does.

My heart aches for the pain S has endured with his ex.  I don’t know, and don’t really want to know, the whole story.  I know he loved her and something went wrong.  Now is the time for forgiveness, for her part in the pain, for his own.  And then to move on.  He never has to stop loving her, she earned her place in his heart.

Now there is another woman, who wants to walk out of that darkness with him, and find reasons for living, loving, gratitude and allowing grace to fill both our lives.  I hope I am given my own special place in that heart of his, that he opens it to a possibility at least.

We are given an endless capacity to love, which become greater as we give the love away.  There’s a Neil Young song, Come A Time, where he says, “We were right, we were giving, that’s how we kept what we gave away.”  Ah, yes Neil, that’s how you keep it and get more.  One of my favorite Neil Young songs.

I know loving is scary.  But honestly, isn’t NOT loving, ever again in your life, scarier?  Never feeling that warmth, compassion, that joy, that contentment, that pleasure, that comes with loving, isn’t it scarier to think of living without that?  Life is for living.  Life with love is like dying before you take your last breath.