I mailed S back his books today. I couldn’t wait to get them out of my possession. It’s not that they were a reminder, it’s that I now perceive the energy surrounding them as so negative, so dark, I don’t want them anywhere near me. They were good books, I bought own copies off Ebay for under $5 including shipping. It’s just that those particular copies, sizzled in my hands and I was afraid of being burned.
Every memory is seen through clear light now. There is no sadness, no pain. I am happy to be walking, running, flying in the opposite direction. I can say, some of it was fun. None of it was real, not one moment was what I perceived at the time it was happening. But that’s ok, I get it now, lesson learned. All the tears I shed, were over an illusion! LOL! How silly of me! I wanted the illusion, I asked for it. I got it. And now, it’s gone, and I’m on my way again.
All is well. Really. I suppose I sound bitter, but I’m not. Just glad that it’s done. Glad I finally saw it in it’s completeness.
I have been cooling the communication with A lately, because he was Facetiming me all the time, even while I was at the fireworks. He just sounded like he still felt there was a chance there could be something between us, and I didn’t want to lead him on, so I had very limited communication with him last week. He texted me tonight, seemed to be reaching out. He is lonely, he is a widow, of about a year…and misses his wife whom he loved very much. So I talked to him for some time, I think I helped him. I am still uncomfortable with the intensity of the emotion he feels for me, but I realize he’s having a hard moment, and is reaching out for someone to give his love to. I’m not the one, and he knows it…but it gave him some solace that I was there for him. And I am glad I could give it to him. He’s a kind man, a good man. A lightseeker.
There are times when I wonder why these two men have been in my life at the same time. Such a dichotomy. One is the ying. One is the yang. I don’t want either one of them…but I see the difference so clearly. I’m sure if S is still reading my blogs, this one has him pissed off, which was not my purpose. I’m just working things out for myself. It’s just my own personal perception S, and nothing will ever change it. Go forth S, in the darkness that you seek.
Peace out for tonight.