A conversation

Sitting in silence, in my small, old, adorable bungalow, thoughts run through my mind of what was, and is no more, and what is, and what will be. Observing the journey is all.

I think about the conversation I had with my close male friend last night on what’s happening in the world, and why it so triggered an emotional response from me. His calm, loving, focused care of me as I explained to him how much I have been reminded of my ex, and how last weekend I so felt that darkness over me again. When I told him, in a very abbreviated way, about my marriage, he asked, “What did you do when that happened?” (My ex just going off on me or my son for any random thing, just to cause chaos.) I said, “Usually I just got quiet, because to say anything just made it worse.” He nodded. Then I said, “But eventually, what I did was leave him…..” And he smiled. Because he saw that I realized that I actually didn’t let my ex kill me. That I took my own power back.

Now, I think how if I ever complained to my ex about anything, like I was sick and felt awful, even when I was in labor (!) he would have to make sure he told me how much worse he had had it than me. That I still didn’t know what pain really was. (I was trying to give birth to a 10lb. 15 oz. Child, 22 1/2” long, who was posterior. No, not much pain there…..idiot.) Always he had more, he was worse off, my pain or whatever I felt or experienced was negated.

You learn not to say anything, because you will feel worse.

With S, he always would say, “Whine whine whine….” as if I was just making up something to bitch about. Never wanted to listen to my troubles. Could never extend an ounce of empathy toward me. Because it was all about himself, always and forever. I guess I thought that was an improvement from the treatment I got from my ex. S was just telling me to forget about it, I guess, it wasn’t important. Even though it apparently was, or I wouldn’t have said anything. I was looking for support, he couldn’t give it so told me to forget it. Stop whining, as if I were a petulant child. Now I see who the petulant child was though.

I can already tell that L would be there if I needed him to be. He would not negate my feelings or emotions, by telling me his problems were worse, or that mine didn’t matter, minimizing my feelings, so I should move on. He’s much more like my friend that I talked with last night. We may not be on the exact same page politically, but I feel, at least right now, and it’s very early to even go here, that he would not negate my feelings, and try to make his dominant.

Once I let my friend last night know how I dealt with the triggering (by taking a couple of days off, walking, meditating, reading) and got myself centered again, and grounded in unconditional love, looked at me and said, “It’s insanity. What’s going on is just insanity.” His first action was to make sure I was ok, then he expressed his feelings on it. I knew we were on the same page about it anyway, we have had a lot of close conversation about our beliefs and feelings.

He’s a gift to me, really. He is quite a bit older than me, and married to a woman who is in a convalescent home with the final stages of Alzheimer’s. He is loyal and faithful to her, a trait which I totally admire in him. I think we serve each other well. He reminds me what I really want in a partner, and shows me how amazing it could be. I imagine being physically intimate with a man who can communicate, and feel empathy the way he does, and know I will not settle for less. I think I also offer him the companionship of a woman, and the sweet, intimate conversations he misses with his wife.

So many blessings, and so many lessons I’ve learned. So many gifts I’ve been given. I have to remember that in the end, I believe tRump will be his own worst enemy. I know he’s going to cause a great deal of pain and hardship in this country, maybe the world, before he is driven from power. I’ve never experienced growth on any scale, without pain. But in the end, he’ll be gone, impeached, or imprisoned, or at least not re-elected, or maybe even worse. The world will right itself again. I believe what you think about expands. My ex thought only about making me penniless, and ruining my relationship with my son. I thought only about having a beautiful home with my son. My ex ended up penniless, and has no relationship with my son. He attracted to himself what he wished for me. The universe only hears the wish….not where it’s directed. I ended up with a beautiful home, and a close relationship with my son. I don’t wish ill on anyone, not even tRump. Meaning I wish he would see the light, and become someone who could stand up for it, but I don’t wish him dead or any other ill. I wish love and freedom for us all. That’s what I want to manifest, so that’s what I’ll focus my thoughts on.

Enough philosophy, lol. Time to get another cup of coffee. Love and light, all.

Yep, Mercury is Still in Retrograde and the Crazies Are Out

Boy, it must be my day. Is Mercury still in regrograde? Let me go look. Yes, for 2 more days.

I got a message from a guy in whom I would never have any interest. Short, chubby, no hair, lol. Not that I’m really that shallow, but also his profile says conservative. Here’s his message:

“Sorry, but I don’t date liberals, even pretty ones like you.” ????? My response, “That’s fine with me, I don’t date conservatives of any type. I didn’t realize I’d given you the impression I was interested.” Because I had never talked to him or seen him before I got that arrogant message. When he got it he blocked me. WTF?  I mean, good, really.  Because then he can’t see my profile again.

Then, I get a flirt, which is just an automated thing saying I’m interested in you, from this extremely handsome, well built ex-military guy, who has two pics up and one is in full camo, with his automatic weapon at the ready. Again…not my type. But since he was not obnoxious I was not either. My response was: “Thanks for the flirt! Always a pleasure to receive from such a good-lookin’ man. But….I’m very liberal. And I think that would make a relationship hard. Then again, if you completed your profile, and I had a sense of who you were, who knows. Have a nice day!” Because the conservative part only showed up in his stats, there was no essay about himself. But I thought it was a thoughtful, kind, and real response.

I just got a message back from him. “I would NEVER get along with a very liberal person, would not be able to understand your thinking process….most liberals are hypocrites….not saying you are, but 95% are.” Ok, that was totally inappropriate as a response to my measured and real, but not unpleasant answer to him. In fact, he pissed me off, as most conservatives do. So here’s what I answered back: “Well, I think most conservatives are self serving power hungry egomaniacs out for themselves and don’t give a damn about the people who are really in need. Not saying you are, but most of the ones I’ve met are. Have a good life.” Maybe he’ll block me too. LOL.

So what is up with this? My profile says I’m liberal, so leave it the fuck alone of you hate liberals so much. Pretty simple, I just skip over them if they say conservative. These days it’s a big deal. Why would some dude just send me that first message, especially when it was the first contact ever? And why did the 2nd guy get so angry when I simply pointed out a difference between us that most likely could not be overcome?

This is what scares me. Really. That this country is so polarized that people take offense and feel the need to tell off anyone of a different mind than them. So much hate and anger, and it’s mostly from the people who won the election. Maybe it’s because the Cheeto man is proving every day how he manipulated their vote, how he’s not keeping a single campaign promise, how he’s out for their pockets…. Like the FB meme says, “Oh this is the face you make when you realize that Obama wasn’t coming for your guns, but Trump is coming after your Social Security and Medicare.”

I keep saying Trump is a sociopath, and I think a lot of his electorate is as well. They cannot stand to be wrong. They will lie, and then tell another to cover it up. Lying is pathological with them. I was married to one, I totally understand the personality type. I did nothing for 5 years but try to understand how I got myself into such a fix with him. And trust me, I get it now. But man,

I’m inclined to use Juan’s closing line, This too will pass, but I’m totally afraid it won’t. So I’ll stick to wishing everyone love and light.

Love and light, everyone….

Mercury Retrograde, Again

Mercury is retrograde starting December 19. The last time Mercury went retrograde, I was worried because my son and I were both moving starting new lives, and it is generally not a good time to start new things, especially big new things. Well as it turned out, it was all ok. Both moves went off without a hitch, both cars ran well. Although, my car was totaled 2 weeks after retrograde ended, lol. I did a little backsliding emotionally just before the move, at the middle of the retrograde, but that was to be expected I guess. Big changes.

This time it’s the day of the electoral college vote.

I’m looking at my last two posts, I think I’ve already started backsliding because of the retrograde effects. They can start a couple weeks before. I’m backsliding like crazy tonight, to a place I know is not good for me. It gives me strength to recognize it. I found an article from the Farmer’s Almanac that describes how it affects different signs. I’m an Aries, it says “Expect to be frustrated and frazzled. Assertive,
 impulsive Aries wants to move
 ahead, and all of the energy is going backward. Watch what you say and how you say it. Pay attention to what people say to you; you might be pleasantly surprised. If you want to look up your own sign, here’s the link: http://www.almanac.com/content/mercury-retrograde-and-zodiac-signs

I used to have a friend who worked for an airline, in their call center, making reservations for people. She worked there fore 30 years. Whenever Mercury went retrograde, or there was a full moon, they sent a notice out to the people at the call center warning them. Because communication gets all screwed up in Mercury retrograde. And people get crazy under the full moon.

But the point I wanted to make is, maybe Mercury retrograde will influence the electoral college to do something it’s never done. To save us from ourselves. Maybe they will slide in a way different than all the other electoral colleges. Considering the enormous amount of energy directed at them begging them to do so.

A Course in Miracles defines a miracle as a change in perception from fear to love. If enough electors do this, it will be a miracle, as defined this way.

If I can backslide the way I am, into feelings and emotions I have let go of under most circumstances, then maybe the electors cognizance of what is about to happen to this country will be altered. Maybe their perception of fear of not voting the way they were originally promising can be change to a perception of doing something loving for this country.

It’s a long shot, isn’t it. But it’s a hope. Not one I put much store in, but it would be a miracle.

Or this could all be a crazy dream I am having. You know, Pollyanna syndrome. I want everything to end up happy ever after, and with a clean ending.

I’m usually disappointed. But not always.

Love and light.

Word Shards

shatter

My words are frail
Breaking beneath the weight of themselves.
They cannot hold together,
Though they stick in my throat.

Like a snowball in an avalanche
The heap of them grows with each moment.
Until the sheer mass of them,
Held silent in captivity,
Induces them to crack, and break,
And shatter.
Word shards scatter
Into thousands of unattached, random thoughts.

Somewhere underneath
The pile of word rubble
Lies love.
Just love.
Always, and all ways.

Mercury Retrograde?? NOW? Come on….

I just saw on FB that Mercury went retrograde yesterday. I checked, www.ismercuryinretrograde.com, and yes, it will be that way until Sept. 22. When Mercury is in retrograde the site says, “Yes, that may account for the weirdness….”

If you are unaware of what it means, astrologically Mercury governs communication and intellect. When it’s in retrograde, communication of all types can become difficult.  Decisions can be harder to make.

This concerns me, because Mercury retrograde is not a good time to start anything new. And…I and my son are starting EVERYTHING new during this time. New lives, new places to live, he a new job, me retirement.

Yikes.

This time-table is not of our choosing. So we will have to work through it. It seems we have done all the prep in times when Mercury was not retrograde.

I have to believe the time-table has been set by the universe and meant to be.

It’s also a new moon, tomorrow. Which I hope takes precedence over Mercury’s antics. The new moon is the best time to set intentions for what you want, to plant the seeds that will blossom into your life. Both my son and I have been doing this for some time.

While I believe these things, Mercury Retrograde, and the New Moon, can energetically affect us all, I don’t believe that they are over-riding and can undo months of planning, and strength of desires, and beliefs. What having this knowledge does for me, is make me more aware of my world, of the energies that wrap around us moment by moment. For example, retrograde may have contributed to me waking up at 4:30 this morning, but not as much as the fact that my son and I are leaving for Denver day after tomorrow, and I keep replaying the lists of things that need to be accomplished before we leave, and after I get back.

So, off I go today on my list of chores, knowing that I may have to work through a little more resistance than I would have expected. Maybe I’ll have a little New Moon ceremony tomorrow, light a candle and set intentions for our trip that it all go smoothly and easily. Couldn’t hurt. I tend to believe more in positive energy (setting intentions) than negative energy (Mercury retrograde). I think the positive energy is far more powerful.

Love and light, all.

Like Flypaper, You’re Stuck to Me

This poem was written as a writing prompt for SoCS (Stream of Consciousness Saturday).  The prompt this week w as  your/you’re/yore.   Here is the link to Linda G. Hill’s site, who hosts SoCS, if you should want to join, or read other posts.  https://lindaghill.com/2016/08/26/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-august-2716/

socs-badge-2015

I know it’s Sunday, lol, but I just didn’t have time until this morning.  So here it is….

Like Flypaper, You’re Stuck to Me

You stick in my mind
Like flypaper
Covered with bits of
Memories we shared

Have you forgotten?
Your silence is fierce
More than your presence was.
It doesn’t quite let go,

No, I know you haven’t
Forgotten me.
Avoidance is your thing.
You’re fearful
Of losing what
You don’t really have.
You’re pretending
That our sweet time together
didn’t matter,
To make someone else
feel more important.

It doesn’t matter now,
But what was, was.
It mattered then,
It was sweet
It was good.
Your silence doesn’t change that.

Taking from me
Doesn’t give to her.
Your reasoning is flawed.
The days of yore
ARE,
They just are.

Love always, all ways.

 

By Deborah E Dayen

Except Here, A Poem.

There is no way to say
I love you
Except to say it
Here
Where you might see it.

There is no way to tell you
That the pain is gone
Only the good remains
Except to tell you
Here
Where you might see it.

I want to wish you well
And have no venue
For the words to connect
Except to put them
Here
Where you might see them.

There is no way
To make you understand
That I have no wish to disrupt you.
So I tell you
Here
So you might know.

There is no way to say
I miss you
But I do, every day.
So I’ll tell you
Here
So you might know.

And remember,
On days where no light is cast
Love always and all ways.