Purging, and Moving On

Purging this morning, lol. First about our president’s utter disregard for everything that is decent. Then, Scott, who seemed to think that it was a good time to contact me again. Just need to purge all that chaotic energy out of me. I probably will piss Scott off totally with that blog, but I needed to get it out there. I can’t get a message or call from him, so if he’s pissed off he’ll have to take a walk or something. Go live in a monastery, whatever. Just leave me the fuck alone.

(Note:  I have taken the blog titled Contact down, the one about Scott’s trying to reach me.)

I did not hear from L yesterday, but as I said, didn’t expect to. He has a lot going on, and I know I will hear from him while he’s there, when he gets a minute. I look forward to that, he always puts a smile on my face.

It is cold and raining here this morning. Such an anomaly, lol. 53 and rain. But it will be back up to 70 in a couple days, and sunny. We need a day like this every once in a while to remind us how good we have it 95% of the time.

I had plans to make banana bread with the rest of the bananas from the community garden this morning, with my friend. However, she rides a bike, doubtful she will be riding in the rain. I’ll probably go get her, she lives a few blocks away, and we can make the bread this afternoon. It will be a good distraction from all this stuff.

Yesterday I signed up for a 21 day free meditation with Oprah and Deepak. They sent along 3 free meditations from other 21 day programs they’ve had, all of which I have done. I am grateful for the 3 they sent, I need to get myself centered and grounded. This next program is called Hope in Uncertain Times. They send a guided meditation via email to you each morning for 21 days. If you are interested, go to thechopracentermeditation.com to sign up. I’ve done them all, I’m pretty sure. I always get something valuable from these 21 day meditations.

Time to get moving, to get productive with the day. Time to put the chaos behind me, and get back to the rich happy life I have here. Don’t let the bastards get you down. And resist. Continue to resist.

Love and light…..

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Mercury Retrograde?? NOW? Come on….

I just saw on FB that Mercury went retrograde yesterday. I checked, www.ismercuryinretrograde.com, and yes, it will be that way until Sept. 22. When Mercury is in retrograde the site says, “Yes, that may account for the weirdness….”

If you are unaware of what it means, astrologically Mercury governs communication and intellect. When it’s in retrograde, communication of all types can become difficult.  Decisions can be harder to make.

This concerns me, because Mercury retrograde is not a good time to start anything new. And…I and my son are starting EVERYTHING new during this time. New lives, new places to live, he a new job, me retirement.

Yikes.

This time-table is not of our choosing. So we will have to work through it. It seems we have done all the prep in times when Mercury was not retrograde.

I have to believe the time-table has been set by the universe and meant to be.

It’s also a new moon, tomorrow. Which I hope takes precedence over Mercury’s antics. The new moon is the best time to set intentions for what you want, to plant the seeds that will blossom into your life. Both my son and I have been doing this for some time.

While I believe these things, Mercury Retrograde, and the New Moon, can energetically affect us all, I don’t believe that they are over-riding and can undo months of planning, and strength of desires, and beliefs. What having this knowledge does for me, is make me more aware of my world, of the energies that wrap around us moment by moment. For example, retrograde may have contributed to me waking up at 4:30 this morning, but not as much as the fact that my son and I are leaving for Denver day after tomorrow, and I keep replaying the lists of things that need to be accomplished before we leave, and after I get back.

So, off I go today on my list of chores, knowing that I may have to work through a little more resistance than I would have expected. Maybe I’ll have a little New Moon ceremony tomorrow, light a candle and set intentions for our trip that it all go smoothly and easily. Couldn’t hurt. I tend to believe more in positive energy (setting intentions) than negative energy (Mercury retrograde). I think the positive energy is far more powerful.

Love and light, all.

Well On My Way

Saturday morning.  I slept almost 8 hours.  I have not done that in weeks, probably before Betty Boop first showed on the scene a month ago.  I feel good, I woke without a knot in my stomach this morning, in fact, with a smile on my face.

I think his voice mail yesterday, his sick sorry attempt to “comfort” me was the key.  I really really saw and disliked him with that voice mail. It infuriated me, but when the fury stopped, I took ownership of my life, and realized everything happens for a reason, and the reason all this happened was because he did not, does not, belong in my life. I don’t wish him ill, I really feel emotionless when it comes to him right now.  No love, no pain, no hurt, no desire.  He’s just someone that I used to love, like my ex husband.  Like the Pink Floyd song “There is no pain you are receding.”  Finally.

I am hoping that since he has no way to respond to me about my blog, he will quit reading them.  But at least if he does, I will not have to deal with whatever he thinks about them.  I won’t know, and that’s a good thing.

I sit here and realize I have no stress this morning. I don’t have to wonder if he’s going to want to see me, I don’t have to wonder if he does will he just want to spend a few hours or will he grace me with some of his time, I don’t have to worry about battling it out with him if he is looking for a “nice afternoon.” I don’t have to wonder where I stand with him. I don’t have to wonder about him at all.  I didn’t realize how much stress I have had the last 6 months with him, always wondering about our relationship.  It feels good, so good.  I feel free today, for the first time. I don’t even feel loss, this morning, which is pretty amazing to me.

I feel like I battled it out all week, and this morning I know I won the fight.  My heart is not pounding, the roar in my head is silenced, my blood sugar has gone back into the good range. I”m not feeling nauseous.  When the physical symptoms of stress, and grief have alleviated, I know I am ok.

The gongs helped I’m sure.  I tried to focus on letting him go, and now, 2 days later, I feel free of  him.  I’m so glad that I know how to deal with my emotions.  Not to bury them, but to  honor them, and let myself feel them, until they are calmed, and subsided.  I always said to him, “It will hurt, but I am strong, I’ll get through it.”  A week later, I am well on my way to the other side.

I’m going to go full tilt boogie into getting my house ready to sell at first light next spring.  I have so much to do.  A friend is loaning me a power washer to do my deck this weekend, I think.  I can paint/stain it when I get back from the wedding next weekend.  That’s one of the biggest jobs I have to do.  I have recruited my son to help me for a few hours at some point this weekend, since he’s off, to get the house good and clean.  I slept so poorly this week, and worked late almost every night, I had no energy to give the house in the few hours I was home.

I was just thinking of his smart ass email to me, when I blogged that I was ok with never seeing him again.  “Be careful you don’t get carpal tunnel patting yourself on your back.”  Well you know what?  I had the surgery, I snipped out the  thing that was causing me pain.  And it’s healing beautifully.  And if I want to pat myself on my back, along with all my friends, for recovering so quickly from utterly cruel devastation, then I will do it. I don’t have to live with what he did.  But he does.

Going to Clean House

Image result for Getting over a broken heart

I was going to do house cleaning anyway, it’s the first day I have been able to since my surgery.  But I am going to empty it of any vestige of him, there will be nothing around to remind me of him.  Except…you know the furniture.  The places we spent time together, the deck, the family room, the bedroom, the kitchen.  Those memories will have to just fade away.

I have some white sage smudge sticks.  I will set one up in every room we spent time in, and clean the energy.  It will help me to forget him.  It will help my anger.  It will help my hurt.  Thank God I have some knowledge of how to deal with energy.

I will ask a friend to send me reiki.  She helped me after the prison whore, when I thought I was gonna die.  She will help me again this time.  I can do self-reiki too.

I can get productive.  I can make plans with friends for tonight.  Hopefully for tomorrow.  and Monday.  But I’m gonna get my house spotless, clean out my garage, if my hand can take it. Gonna sit out on the deck and try to get into a deep meditation, on releasing the past.  Releasing the pain.

I texted with S a little this morning,  I wanted to know how long…he has only talked to her, and for 3 days.  But he stopped answering me, I was a bit to caustic I guess.  But in the same way I wear my heart on my sleeve, I also wear my anger and my pain.  And the truth.  He disappeared.  I don’t care.

That was cool to write.   I DON’T CARE.  It just came out of me with real ease.  Without any thought.  I don’t care.

At least not right now.

I’m so glad my son is gone for the weekend.  I’m so glad he will never have to know about this.  He hates S for the amount he’s hurt me.  Just seriously can’t stand him.  My son has seen me get so hurt in his lifetime, he can’t understand why I would continue to see someone who continues to hurt me, and use me for his own benefit.  And the kid is right.  I’m just glad he’s gone.  I won’t ever tell him, S has not been around in weeks, so he will just leave it be and be glad he isn’t around now.

I’m going to be fine.