Some Fundamental Truths Introspection

This morning my FB feed was, thankfully, not all about the antics of our tweeter-in-chief. I am so sick of reading about him, even though I think it’s important that we know what he’s been doing because it will affect all our lives. It’s just nice to have a reprieve from it, and especially on a quiet Sunday morning, to be able to sit and watch a couple of cool, human interest and/or funny videos and read some good articles.

One of my favorites today was from the Huffington Post, titled “10 Fundamental Truths That Will Change Your Life.” Just a list, with a short discussion of each, of things like “You’re living the life you created. (#4), Fear is the #1 source of regret. (#5), Live your life in the moment. (#7), Your self-worth must come from within. (#8), and Change is inevitable – Embrace it. (#10). Not to say that #’s 1, 2, 3, 6, and 9 weren’t just as important. These just stood out to me at the moment. Another day, another list, lol.

I have always said I dislike regrets, I dislike wishing my past was different than it was. Instead of regrets I say they were mistakes, lessons to be learned. Lessons that were not coincidental, but were part of my life’s journey to evolve my soul. Some were difficult, some were easy. But with all of them, it was, is, important to learn the lesson and then to Let It Go. As they said in the Huffington Post article, “No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future.” Learn the lesson that has presented itself. Then…put it in the past. And live in the moment. The present moment.

Am I safe? Do I have food to eat? Do I know if any of the terrible things I might think are really true? And if I don’t, was/is there any reason to obsess over them? Not meaning to preach here, just kind of relate a journey which took me from an abusive marriage to a new life in a place that I love, and a close relationship with my family, and friends. 10 years ago, I left that marriage. It was the beginning of creating a new life for myself. I accept that I also had an equal hand in creating the old, fearful and sad one that I lived in for so many years. But do I regret that life? No. I learned some of my most important lessons ever there. And, of course, without it would not have my son. Sometimes I reget that it took me so long to learn the lesson, but….it is what it is. I took as long as I needed, and now at the age of almost 66, I see the benefits of the lessons.

I’m so grateful that others have gone before me on this journey and have shared their wisdom. So greatful for the great teachers of these essential wisdoms who have been put in my path, holding a candle or a floodlight, or sometimes just taking me by the hand and guiding me….whichever was needed for me to see, and comprehend.

I guess that if I were to add a #11, it would be, “Every day find something to be grateful for. Even if it’s just your breath.” Gratitude is probably one of the most important things we can do for ourselves. Even to the point of being grateful for all our hardships, for the lessons we learned from them. Sometimes when I can’t get to sleep, I just start listing in my head all the things I’m grateful for. My son, my family, my friends. The bed that I sleep in, the food in my fridge, the moonlight outside my window, the air that I breathe. I’ve often fallen asleep making that list. It just brings a sense of calm and order, and peace.

Guess I’m doing some introspection this morning, caused by that article. If you want to read the article, here’s the link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/10-fundamental-truths-that-will-change-your-life_us_58dc0459e4b07f61a2bb8ae0?

Love and light, everyone.

Smiling A Lot This Week

Happiness and gratitude are my partners this week. I guess one doesn’t come without the other, and I am surely both.  Just smiling a lot.

Having so much fun hanging out with my son. I love the adult he’s become. He’s still funny as hell. He has a kind heart. He is passionate about some things, like the EDM music he mixes. He has 1 for sure gig in two weeks at a Denver club, and maybe one at a 420 festival in Denver on Thursday 4/20. Someone is trying to get him into the line up. I guess Denver is a world hub for this kind of music. He’s just a good kid, a good sense of right and wrong. He has an incredible work ethic, too.

I am so grateful, so utterly grateful, that he’s such a good kid. 25 yr old good kid, lol. I’m grateful that he wants to hang with me, that he wanted me to stay up and watch a movie with him last night, that he can tell me anything, and does.

He says he wishes he had family close to him in Denver, and I so wish he did too. I had no family in CT when I moved there when I was 21 or 22, and I am sure that’s one reason I was so sucked into the relationship with my ex. Isolation is not good for you. We’re social animals, us humans.

We spent a couple days and one night at my sister and brother-in-law’s house. It was good to see them, they loved seeing my son. Everyone has drama in their lives, but really, he has none, and hates it. He doesn’t have a girlfriend at the moment, and when he does have one, the minute they introduce drama into the relationship, he’s outta there. I guess he had enough drama growing up for 15 lifetimes.

The weather was really hot the first few days he was here. Now it’s cool, highs in the low 70s’s. 57 overnight! Tomorrow it’s back to the 80’s but not as humid as it was, so it’s all good. Been very windy though. The Gulf of Mexico looked a lot more like the Atlantic with crashing breakers. We went to the beach one afternoon, but only stayed an hour, because we were getting sand-blasted by the wind.

This morning I’m going to help him on his taxes. Tonight I’m going to take him out to the Italian restaurant in town. I’ve been dying to try it, it has a good reputation. He might meet a couple of my friends today. I told him I brag about him a lot, so they all want to meet him, lol.

I will be so sad to see him go tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ll go out there this summer, just because he has used up his time off until September. If he can run a 3 or 4 day weekend, I would go, but we’ll just have to see.

It’s been awesome. Love and light to everyone.

All Good Things This Morning

Nothing like a good night’s sleep. I was asleep by 9:30, and slept straight through until 5:45 this morning. My cough is gone, I feel rested for the first time in 2 days. It’s awesome, really. I skipped my massage yesterday, and my Veterans Art Center meeting. You know I was tired if I didn’t get the massage, lol. I was afraid if I wasn’t coughing my brains out on her table, I’d fall asleep there, lol. Better not to go, than be the client from hell.

I am so excited to see my son. OMG, 9 months is too long not to see your child, even though we talk every day. Don’t want to go that long again! We will have such a good time! The baseball game, maybe go kayaking, go to my sisters house, the beach….so much to show him and do with him. Maybe I can take him to open mic night! I plan to go out there this summer, and we’ve talked about meeting in CT too at some point, because we both miss our friends there.

The weather here is going to be around 80° all week, I think that will be the norm from now on. 80° is my favorite temperature. Hot, but not too hot. The humidity is very low this time of year. A couple more months and it will be hot and sticky, but right now, it’s perfect. Hot and sticky is a trade off for not having to deal with 10° and piles of snow, and that’s a good trade in my book any day!

Tonight I’m going to make that dinner for L that I kept telling him I’d keep warm while he was gone. Looking very forward to that. I have a few things to go get this morning for it. We should have a good time, we laugh a lot together.

I am so grateful this morning, for the way my life has turned out, and for the people who are in it. Feeling very blessed, as always. Love and light to all.

The Joy of Being Able to Sleep

I still at times am in disbelief that I now sleep so well. To awaken refreshed, after 8 hours of sleep, good sound sleep, not induced by anything but my own tiredness. It’s a relaxed sleep, a happy sleep. For more than a decade, I have gone to bed exhausted and not slept through the night.

When I first got settled in here, I found myself taking naps. Being unbelievably tired in the middle of the day. I couldn’t understand it. A few short weeks before, I’d been working 10 hours a day, taking care of my big house, doing the laundry and grocery shopping, and cooking and cleaning, and still managing time still with my friends. Not to mention the emotional drama I kept going through, stuck in a cycle like a broken record. A nap was a foreign idea to me.

Suddenly I was napping. I have since stopped. I really don’t need one now. And I don’t like to take them, being the day person I am. I have things to do during daylight hours, and want to get them done. But I think for awhile I had to take naps because there was just so much cumulative tiredness in me. I had been getting by on 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night for so long, and suddenly, I didn’t have to any more. I remember asking myself how a person could sleep so much.

Now I have a small house, just the perfect size for me. I have no emotional drama. I don’t have to go to work. I am happy when I go to bed, content. And so, I sleep most nights. I am so grateful.

Not to say there aren’t those nights when I wake up at 1 AM and my mind begins to go where it will go and I have a hard time getting back to sleep. But it doesn’t make me angry any longer, which always made it even harder to go to sleep. Now I just deal with it, because I don’t have to be anywhere in the morning. I don’t have to go to work and be functional. Sometimes I get up and write, which seems to cure it the best. To just record my stream of consciousness, and what was on my mind. I rarely publish what I write in the wee hours, lol. I usually leave it til morning, to see how I feel, since writing in the dark with my eyes closed is probably not the best way to prepare something for publication. And often I find that I don’t want to publish what I wrote, but I save it. I mark it “unpublished”.

I know I am very blessed to be in a position to live like this. It helps that I am not freezing, in February. It helps that its in the 60’s at night and high 70’s or low 80’s in the day, and the sun shines 90% of the time. It helps that my son calls me every day, and we are as involved in each other’s lives as we ever were. It helps that he’s doing so well, that I have no worries about him. It helps that I have friends here, and am making more friends. It helps that I met L, and that there may be something growing from that, though the jury is still out on that one. I am still happy to know that my interest can be piqued in a man, in every way.

So, sleep….I am so happy to know I can sleep. I never thought I’d be able to say I’m a good sleeper again. But I am.

Love and light to you. And a good night’s sleep too.

Pondering Mindfulness

were-not-held-back

Perusing my FB page this morning, I came across a mindfulness program, which lasts a year, for $27 a month. There were great teachers in the program. If I was rich I might consider it. But I’m not. So I won’t buy it, though I did sign up for a free video.

I will though, try to focus on being more mindful. More present in the moment. More in tune to the world around me. Instead of spending a lot of time focusing on what I want it to be, I will try to accept it the way it is.

Now, acceptance and approval are two different things. I can still work for change, and I think right now it’s important to do that, with a mentally ill president and a bunch of fools around him buying into his power and control thing. But it’s like the riptide, you gotta swim with it, accepting that you are in a riptide, and then swim out of it. Fighting the fact that the riptide is what is, could kill you.  It’s what Brene Brown calls “leaning into the discomfort.”

I have found myself so angry at what’s been going on. Angry enough it made me almost get into arguments with people who even agreed with me, because I felt they weren’t understanding it enough. And they were, they were as angry as me. It is easy to make that step, and it’s only a step, from anger to hate. And hate is never where I want to be.

So, first I must practice extending love. Teach with love, react with compassion. Find joy in the day even though. When I find myself ready to make that step from anger to hate, my foot poised above the step, I know then I have to take some time to myself, to remember who I am, what my purpose here is, and count my blessings. Again.

For instance, I read an article from the NYTimes, or maybe Washington Post, explaining how tRump and his policy wonks are gaslighting us. And I know they are, I have been gaslighted by my own husband and it’s terrifying when you realize someone is trying to make you feel crazy. Then I read another, from one of those two prestigious papers, telling how husbands are far more deadly than terrorists in this country.

And knowing that, I need to still find joy in the day. I sit on my sisters porch, I wave at her neighbors out for their morning walk. I listen to the birds, and smell the salt air, and feel the breeze gently caressing me. I have spent a week with my two sisters, and I know I am so blessed, there is so much to feel blessed about.

All I’m saying is, be mindful of your blessings, as well as of the things that need changing in this world. When it’s time to fight for the common good, fight. When it’s time to sit back and know the world is indeed a beautiful place, sit back and be grateful. Feel the gratitude for everything you can think of. Family, friends, the food in your fridge, the air you breathe. Gratitude.

I truly believe that love is the only power that can cure this world. Hate begets more hate, anger begets more anger, fear begets more fear. And love begets more love.

Like Marianne Williamson said, in The Return to Love, “We are not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past, but by the love we’re not extending in the present.” I will try to mindfully react to things by extending love. More.

Love and light, all…..

A conversation

Sitting in silence, in my small, old, adorable bungalow, thoughts run through my mind of what was, and is no more, and what is, and what will be. Observing the journey is all.

I think about the conversation I had with my close male friend last night on what’s happening in the world, and why it so triggered an emotional response from me. His calm, loving, focused care of me as I explained to him how much I have been reminded of my ex, and how last weekend I so felt that darkness over me again. When I told him, in a very abbreviated way, about my marriage, he asked, “What did you do when that happened?” (My ex just going off on me or my son for any random thing, just to cause chaos.) I said, “Usually I just got quiet, because to say anything just made it worse.” He nodded. Then I said, “But eventually, what I did was leave him…..” And he smiled. Because he saw that I realized that I actually didn’t let my ex kill me. That I took my own power back.

Now, I think how if I ever complained to my ex about anything, like I was sick and felt awful, even when I was in labor (!) he would have to make sure he told me how much worse he had had it than me. That I still didn’t know what pain really was. (I was trying to give birth to a 10lb. 15 oz. Child, 22 1/2” long, who was posterior. No, not much pain there…..idiot.) Always he had more, he was worse off, my pain or whatever I felt or experienced was negated.

You learn not to say anything, because you will feel worse.

With S, he always would say, “Whine whine whine….” as if I was just making up something to bitch about. Never wanted to listen to my troubles. Could never extend an ounce of empathy toward me. Because it was all about himself, always and forever. I guess I thought that was an improvement from the treatment I got from my ex. S was just telling me to forget about it, I guess, it wasn’t important. Even though it apparently was, or I wouldn’t have said anything. I was looking for support, he couldn’t give it so told me to forget it. Stop whining, as if I were a petulant child. Now I see who the petulant child was though.

I can already tell that L would be there if I needed him to be. He would not negate my feelings or emotions, by telling me his problems were worse, or that mine didn’t matter, minimizing my feelings, so I should move on. He’s much more like my friend that I talked with last night. We may not be on the exact same page politically, but I feel, at least right now, and it’s very early to even go here, that he would not negate my feelings, and try to make his dominant.

Once I let my friend last night know how I dealt with the triggering (by taking a couple of days off, walking, meditating, reading) and got myself centered again, and grounded in unconditional love, looked at me and said, “It’s insanity. What’s going on is just insanity.” His first action was to make sure I was ok, then he expressed his feelings on it. I knew we were on the same page about it anyway, we have had a lot of close conversation about our beliefs and feelings.

He’s a gift to me, really. He is quite a bit older than me, and married to a woman who is in a convalescent home with the final stages of Alzheimer’s. He is loyal and faithful to her, a trait which I totally admire in him. I think we serve each other well. He reminds me what I really want in a partner, and shows me how amazing it could be. I imagine being physically intimate with a man who can communicate, and feel empathy the way he does, and know I will not settle for less. I think I also offer him the companionship of a woman, and the sweet, intimate conversations he misses with his wife.

So many blessings, and so many lessons I’ve learned. So many gifts I’ve been given. I have to remember that in the end, I believe tRump will be his own worst enemy. I know he’s going to cause a great deal of pain and hardship in this country, maybe the world, before he is driven from power. I’ve never experienced growth on any scale, without pain. But in the end, he’ll be gone, impeached, or imprisoned, or at least not re-elected, or maybe even worse. The world will right itself again. I believe what you think about expands. My ex thought only about making me penniless, and ruining my relationship with my son. I thought only about having a beautiful home with my son. My ex ended up penniless, and has no relationship with my son. He attracted to himself what he wished for me. The universe only hears the wish….not where it’s directed. I ended up with a beautiful home, and a close relationship with my son. I don’t wish ill on anyone, not even tRump. Meaning I wish he would see the light, and become someone who could stand up for it, but I don’t wish him dead or any other ill. I wish love and freedom for us all. That’s what I want to manifest, so that’s what I’ll focus my thoughts on.

Enough philosophy, lol. Time to get another cup of coffee. Love and light, all.