Some Fundamental Truths Introspection

This morning my FB feed was, thankfully, not all about the antics of our tweeter-in-chief. I am so sick of reading about him, even though I think it’s important that we know what he’s been doing because it will affect all our lives. It’s just nice to have a reprieve from it, and especially on a quiet Sunday morning, to be able to sit and watch a couple of cool, human interest and/or funny videos and read some good articles.

One of my favorites today was from the Huffington Post, titled “10 Fundamental Truths That Will Change Your Life.” Just a list, with a short discussion of each, of things like “You’re living the life you created. (#4), Fear is the #1 source of regret. (#5), Live your life in the moment. (#7), Your self-worth must come from within. (#8), and Change is inevitable – Embrace it. (#10). Not to say that #’s 1, 2, 3, 6, and 9 weren’t just as important. These just stood out to me at the moment. Another day, another list, lol.

I have always said I dislike regrets, I dislike wishing my past was different than it was. Instead of regrets I say they were mistakes, lessons to be learned. Lessons that were not coincidental, but were part of my life’s journey to evolve my soul. Some were difficult, some were easy. But with all of them, it was, is, important to learn the lesson and then to Let It Go. As they said in the Huffington Post article, “No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future.” Learn the lesson that has presented itself. Then…put it in the past. And live in the moment. The present moment.

Am I safe? Do I have food to eat? Do I know if any of the terrible things I might think are really true? And if I don’t, was/is there any reason to obsess over them? Not meaning to preach here, just kind of relate a journey which took me from an abusive marriage to a new life in a place that I love, and a close relationship with my family, and friends. 10 years ago, I left that marriage. It was the beginning of creating a new life for myself. I accept that I also had an equal hand in creating the old, fearful and sad one that I lived in for so many years. But do I regret that life? No. I learned some of my most important lessons ever there. And, of course, without it would not have my son. Sometimes I reget that it took me so long to learn the lesson, but….it is what it is. I took as long as I needed, and now at the age of almost 66, I see the benefits of the lessons.

I’m so grateful that others have gone before me on this journey and have shared their wisdom. So greatful for the great teachers of these essential wisdoms who have been put in my path, holding a candle or a floodlight, or sometimes just taking me by the hand and guiding me….whichever was needed for me to see, and comprehend.

I guess that if I were to add a #11, it would be, “Every day find something to be grateful for. Even if it’s just your breath.” Gratitude is probably one of the most important things we can do for ourselves. Even to the point of being grateful for all our hardships, for the lessons we learned from them. Sometimes when I can’t get to sleep, I just start listing in my head all the things I’m grateful for. My son, my family, my friends. The bed that I sleep in, the food in my fridge, the moonlight outside my window, the air that I breathe. I’ve often fallen asleep making that list. It just brings a sense of calm and order, and peace.

Guess I’m doing some introspection this morning, caused by that article. If you want to read the article, here’s the link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/10-fundamental-truths-that-will-change-your-life_us_58dc0459e4b07f61a2bb8ae0?

Love and light, everyone.

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Just Wondering, WTF Was I Thinking?

wtf

I guess that phantom phone call got me thinking, about WTF I was thinking for so long….

It seems long ago now, suddenly. How much I loved a man, and how much I was betrayed. What strikes me this morning is I am trying to fathom what I was thinking, then. To love someone so much who will never love anyone but themselves. And that, only superficially.

I say superficially because this man doesn’t love himself enough to behave in ways that make him proud. He doesn’t love himself enough to take care of himself. He doesn’t do the things in a relationship that take care of it. He only makes sure he is getting his needs met, which translates to getting his ego fed. If he meets the needs of the other person, it is as part of trying to get his needs met, it’s not out of genuine care and concern. And I think that’s true across the board for him. I think he may use different ploys for different people, but it remains the truth. I’ve watched him.  I’ve also watched him pursue behaviors that result in reinforcing his low self esteem, setting himself up so he can say, “see, it’s all I deserve.  I’m a bad person.”

So anyway, I’m just wondering now, with all this time passed, WTF I was thinking? I’m not angry, I don’t dislike him. I have said over and over I will always love him, and, well, I guess I will. But I love everyone, or try to. Him no more or less than anyone else at the moment. But what I was thinking? IDK, do you think when you’re in love? He had lots of lovable qualities, I guess. The first being that he could make me laugh. He was funny, creative, smart. We had a wonderful physical connection. But he was completely self absorbed. When push came to shove it was always him first. He treated me so badly at times, and I just kept coming back for more, believing that he just needed experience unconditional love.

I guess the distance between us now, the physical distance has given me some perspective. I guess that move has enabled me to meet men who are funny, creative, smart, AND kind, gentle, loving, and generous. Men who try to take care of themselves and their loved ones. Men who squeeze your hand when they’re happy, sitting at a table with you. Men who behave in ways that will keep drama out of their lives, and people in.

Since I believe that our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls, I guess he was another life lesson for me. Now, far enough away from it, the complete lesson is coming into focus. At least part of it is, I think, to know that I can love that passionately, that fiercely, that deeply. That’s a good thing to know. He was practice. I’m sure there’s a man here who can match my ability to love, and celebrate it.

I suppose, based on the phantom phone call dream, that the connection we have had will remain, but will probably remain dormant. It originates on a level I can’t really comprehend, and will most likely always be there, but will not take over my life anymore. Life is for living in the present moment. His journey is his now, and mine is mine, and the paths have diverged far apart. That’s the present moment.

Glad to be moved on from all that. Stomach bug and car accident not withstanding, I’m very happy with the move I’ve made. It was 85 yesterday and I was at the beach. Not dressed in multiple layers and still shivering, lamenting the fact that I was burning up a ton of fuel oil. Yep, life is good, and exactly what I’ve dreamed of.

Love and light, all.

Christmas Morning Epiphany

Christmas Sunrise 2015

It’s Christmas morning.  I’ve been up since before dawn, and managed to catch the sunrise, which was beautiful.  It is such an unusual Christmas morning. It’s warm out, I went out on the deck to take this picture, and left the slider open, it’s almost 60° outside!  Certainly not a normal New England Christmas!

I have had a few epiphanies this morning.  One was while I lay in bed, luxuriating in the fact that I did not have to get up, and go to work.  For the last couple of months, my elbows, forearms and wrists have been in a lot of pain while I slept and when I wake.  I believe it’s just arthritis. At least that’s what I’ve been saying.

I did realize this morning, that the pain has increased substantially since the break-up.  I also realized I have not been dealing with it, just trying to ignore it, and have been focused more on obsessing about the break-up.  What he did, to me, to her, to himself.  Trying to understand that mindset that would create a situation that was bound to fail, to hurt himself most of all.

I decided that starting today, I was going to redirect that energy to myself, and find out what the emotional components of arthritis presenting in my arms was.  Louis Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” has a permanent place on my coffee table.  I got up, I did my morning meditation, (which I gave a little extra time today), and then consulted the book.  I was not surprised at what I found, because I knew there was an emotional component linked inextricably to my recent experience.  But here’s what it said.

Elbows (I have a limited range of motion at the moment):  Represents changing directions and accepting new experiences.

Wrists (also limited range of motion):  Represents movement and ease.

Arms (specifically for me, throbbing pain in my forearms when I rest):  Represents the capacity and the ability to hold the experiences of life.

Wow.  I am obviously not accepting, nor moving through the experience of the break-up, the deception that was visited on me, well.  It is manifesting in my body.

It had also caused sleep issues, causing me to be dependent on taking a prescription sleep aid.  I have not taken any this week, and I am finally getting back into my own old sleep patterns.  Which probably allowed me to re-evaluate this pain in my arms.

I have to look at the lies and deception that culminated in such a painful break-up as an experience. An experience from which to learn something, about myself.  I learned about trust, about loving myself first.  And I also learned that I still have the capacity to love someone intensely and passionately.

These are lessons that I would not know, if I didn’t live through that experience.  It is now my task to accept the experience, without regret.  To embrace the lesson.  It is said that those who make your life the hardest are your greatest teachers.

Perhaps, if my purpose in his life was to remind him of his intrinsic value, his was to teach me those invaluable lessons.  That trust is something earned, not given freely like love.  That we have to love ourselves first, and enough, to walk away when we recognize that a relationship does not serve us and only takes from us, causing us pain.  To know that I can love passionately and intensely?  Well, that’s just a gift.

The break-up also has brought me to feeling compassion for the man with whom I spent most of my life.  He also created a situation which was bound to fail.  There could be no other outcome of the way he was living.

It is obvious to me, that there is a healing in the wind.  Healing my bruised psyche of the pain that the lies and deception caused me.  Healing the relationship with my ex, because it may be that it’s possible now.  I will take that as it comes.  The journey back to life is still his to take.

Healing between my son and his father. I can only pray.  It’s not my relationship, I can only facilitate the loving kind of environment that would make space for it.

I hope there is healing for Scott.  Not necessarily the way he wants it, but for him to reconsider the way he lives his life, and change it so that he can live out his life in a rich full way.  But his journey is his, it’s none of my business.  I am hopeful for him, but there is no expectation.  And I doubt if I’ll ever know what the outcome is for him, of all this trauma.  So I wish him love and light, he is in my prayers.  But my life diverges, and I will be leaving that path behind me.  I just deleted the whole text thread with him, which went back almost 3 months to the week after I initially found out about Betty.  I intend also to delete all the emails I have sent him, including a lot of writing I did just for him.  I let it go, I send it to the universe now, where I trust it will be atoned and turned into something beautiful.

I see the break-up now, as a fissure.  A huge crack in my life, which not only allows the light in, but also allows space to grow.  Like a seed breaking ground to become a beautiful flower, or a tall tree, or some other magnificent creation.  Everything reaches for the light.

On this Christmas morning, I change my focus, to accepting fully and with gratitude the experiences which continue to shape my life.  I regret nothing.  I will hold the experiences, not only in my arms but in my heart.  I will change direction gracefully, and let go of the pain and devastation that has been my focus for the past few months.

The best Christmas gift I could give myself.

Merry Christmas everyone.  Love and light to all.