It’s Christmas morning. I’ve been up since before dawn, and managed to catch the sunrise, which was beautiful. It is such an unusual Christmas morning. It’s warm out, I went out on the deck to take this picture, and left the slider open, it’s almost 60° outside! Certainly not a normal New England Christmas!
I have had a few epiphanies this morning. One was while I lay in bed, luxuriating in the fact that I did not have to get up, and go to work. For the last couple of months, my elbows, forearms and wrists have been in a lot of pain while I slept and when I wake. I believe it’s just arthritis. At least that’s what I’ve been saying.
I did realize this morning, that the pain has increased substantially since the break-up. I also realized I have not been dealing with it, just trying to ignore it, and have been focused more on obsessing about the break-up. What he did, to me, to her, to himself. Trying to understand that mindset that would create a situation that was bound to fail, to hurt himself most of all.
I decided that starting today, I was going to redirect that energy to myself, and find out what the emotional components of arthritis presenting in my arms was. Louis Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” has a permanent place on my coffee table. I got up, I did my morning meditation, (which I gave a little extra time today), and then consulted the book. I was not surprised at what I found, because I knew there was an emotional component linked inextricably to my recent experience. But here’s what it said.
Elbows (I have a limited range of motion at the moment): Represents changing directions and accepting new experiences.
Wrists (also limited range of motion): Represents movement and ease.
Arms (specifically for me, throbbing pain in my forearms when I rest): Represents the capacity and the ability to hold the experiences of life.
Wow. I am obviously not accepting, nor moving through the experience of the break-up, the deception that was visited on me, well. It is manifesting in my body.
It had also caused sleep issues, causing me to be dependent on taking a prescription sleep aid. I have not taken any this week, and I am finally getting back into my own old sleep patterns. Which probably allowed me to re-evaluate this pain in my arms.
I have to look at the lies and deception that culminated in such a painful break-up as an experience. An experience from which to learn something, about myself. I learned about trust, about loving myself first. And I also learned that I still have the capacity to love someone intensely and passionately.
These are lessons that I would not know, if I didn’t live through that experience. It is now my task to accept the experience, without regret. To embrace the lesson. It is said that those who make your life the hardest are your greatest teachers.
Perhaps, if my purpose in his life was to remind him of his intrinsic value, his was to teach me those invaluable lessons. That trust is something earned, not given freely like love. That we have to love ourselves first, and enough, to walk away when we recognize that a relationship does not serve us and only takes from us, causing us pain. To know that I can love passionately and intensely? Well, that’s just a gift.
The break-up also has brought me to feeling compassion for the man with whom I spent most of my life. He also created a situation which was bound to fail. There could be no other outcome of the way he was living.
It is obvious to me, that there is a healing in the wind. Healing my bruised psyche of the pain that the lies and deception caused me. Healing the relationship with my ex, because it may be that it’s possible now. I will take that as it comes. The journey back to life is still his to take.
Healing between my son and his father. I can only pray. It’s not my relationship, I can only facilitate the loving kind of environment that would make space for it.
I hope there is healing for Scott. Not necessarily the way he wants it, but for him to reconsider the way he lives his life, and change it so that he can live out his life in a rich full way. But his journey is his, it’s none of my business. I am hopeful for him, but there is no expectation. And I doubt if I’ll ever know what the outcome is for him, of all this trauma. So I wish him love and light, he is in my prayers. But my life diverges, and I will be leaving that path behind me. I just deleted the whole text thread with him, which went back almost 3 months to the week after I initially found out about Betty. I intend also to delete all the emails I have sent him, including a lot of writing I did just for him. I let it go, I send it to the universe now, where I trust it will be atoned and turned into something beautiful.
I see the break-up now, as a fissure. A huge crack in my life, which not only allows the light in, but also allows space to grow. Like a seed breaking ground to become a beautiful flower, or a tall tree, or some other magnificent creation. Everything reaches for the light.
On this Christmas morning, I change my focus, to accepting fully and with gratitude the experiences which continue to shape my life. I regret nothing. I will hold the experiences, not only in my arms but in my heart. I will change direction gracefully, and let go of the pain and devastation that has been my focus for the past few months.
The best Christmas gift I could give myself.
Merry Christmas everyone. Love and light to all.