Delight

stars-and-moon

What does she say
When the night rolls in
And the light fades?

She watches quietly
She smooths her dress
And bows her head
And says “Thank you”.

The moon rises
The stars twinkle.
Planets shine their brilliant light
Gratitude delighting the universe.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

Really Settling In

Wow! Four nights of good sleep in a row, without any sleep aid. Last night was the best yet! 8 hours, with only one wake up for about a half hour. Awesome! So what is allowing me to sleep so well?

I think that I’ve let old things that caused me anxiety just go. I don’t wake up wondering about them any more, or even caring about them. New things, happy things, have come into my life, and when I wake up, I think of them and go back to sleep. I think I’m finally settling into my new life, and feeling comfortable here.  I am remembering that I named this house Avalon, a mystical place of new beginnings.  There was so much I wanted to let go of from my old life, and so much more I wanted to bring in with my new life.  It’s all happening.  I see that the journey from there to here was the way it was purposefully, bringing me to a much better, happier, fulfilling place.

For instance, tonight is open mic night. Both the friends I usually go with have been sick with bad colds, so I don’t know if either of them will go with me. But I am comfortable enough to go alone, because I know there will be people there that will be happy to include me. I have a circle of people here, and it’s a huge comfort to me, to have a base.

The big work on my house is mostly done now. I still have tree trimming and a shed to put up, but that’s not big stuff. No more workers in my house all day. I have to go curtain shopping for the windows now. The shades I bought will not work with the new windows, so I have to take them back and get something else. Right now my bedroom windows have tablecloths over them, and the living room has towels, lol. I’m going to re-install the blinds I had in the living room, they are fine for the living room. I had the same ones in my bedroom, but they let too much light in. I wanted the better shades I bought, but they won’t work. I think I’ll have to go for room darkening curtains. But that’s ok too. Whatever it takes.

When I was moving furniture yesterday away from the windows, the mirror on my dresser, big heavy mirror, fell off. Apparently the movers had stripped the holes where the screws went. So now I will need help getting it back up. I’m sure my handyman will help me with that. Thank God the mirror did not break. But it so aggravated me that the movers just left it like that.

I’m going to get going early this morning. To take back the shades, to look for curtains and a few other errands. I want to take a good long walk on the beach today. Tomorrow it’s going to get cold. Well, cold for here, lol. High of 60. By Sunday it will be back to 80, happily.

Lots of good things happening. I still pinch myself every day, I’m so amazed that I have this wonderful life here. Just so blessed, so lucky. When my sister and I were shopping, we were waiting in line to pay. She remarked that it was 3 PM. I said, “Oh good, we will have time to get into the hot tub for awhile and have a glass of wine before we go down to sunset.” Then I looked at her, hearing myself, and said, “It’s a rough life isn’t it? LOL.” She said “Thank you for reminding me…..” We both know how lucky we are.

Love and light, everyone.

Uncomplicated Love

“Think of someone you love who is uncomplicated to love,” the meditation guide instructed. I thought, of course, of my son. And as thoughts are liable to do, immediately after my son, I thought of my mother. And then of my father. And then of my two sisters.

All of them, uncomplicated to love, and to be loved by.

I have never known different with my family. Even when we had our disagreements, our rough patches, I never doubted that we loved each other, and that if pressed, we would be there for each other. Ever.

How friggin’ blessed I am, is something I’ve come to know as an adult. Really not until I was well past the half-way mark of my life did I realize the depth of that blessing.

I remember back when I just assumed all families were like mine. It seemed incongruous that my best friend’s father (at age 12) could put belt marks on her legs, but he did. She didn’t make a big deal of it, so no one else did. I can’t imagine what it was like, to be a 12 year old, going through puberty, and have your father take a belt to you. I remember my own father, at times in his frustration with my misbehavior as a child, raising his hand. That, the raised hand, was enough to make me know I better stop what I was doing, or saying. He never brought it down on me. I think it would have killed him to hit me.

I was SO naive.

I have known and loved men who were beaten by their fathers, whose mothers stood by and watched, thus enabling the brutality of a child. I think I made it my quest to prove to them that they were lovable, that they were in reality, as deserving of unconditional love as much as anyone. I wanted to convince them that it is possible for someone to love them purely, with no conditions. I cannot imagine a more painful thing to live with than the belief that you innately do not deserve love and belonging. Would it not instill false shame, to think you weren’t worthy of your parents love? And shame is such a destructive emotion.

I was unable to achieve this. It took me a long time to actively give up the quest. And that in itself, is not a good basis for a relationship anyway. There is no common ground. But, I love them, still. And wish they could see themselves the way I saw them. I wish they knew that all the love they think they missed is inside them now, given to them as a divine right. No one can take it from anyone else.

My childhood friend, has somehow managed to retrieve a relationship with her siblings now. They are very close. She has held onto the friendships of her youth. She’s coming to see me, and our other friend who lives in Daytona across the state, in January. This group of girls is like my family. They reconnected with me after about 40 years, and we picked up where we left off.

I think though, that it is part of my soul’s journey to love others the way that I’ve been loved. Am loved. It’s always the underlying emotion, the baseline. If I’ve loved you, I will always love you. If I never see you again, I will always love you, always wish the best for you, always feel the pain I know you feel and always send out whatever I can to assuage it. I may not like your behavior, I may choose to withdraw from it, but the love I felt, only came through me. I did not create it, I just channeled it. And will continue to do so, actively or passively.

So this was my post-meditation blog. Kind of a deep, heavy meditation, and it seems I’ve been doing a lot of reflection and introspection around this broader subject lately. I hope I’m not boring….not bringing the kiss of death on myself, lol.

Love and light, all.

A Grateful Start to the Day

I had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in days, slept 8 hours and that’s a real feat for me. I suppose the 3 glasses of wine I had while sitting outside with my sister and one of her friends in the evening really helped me to relax. It’s so awesome, to be celebrating TG here. I know, that’s very redundant. I’ve been talking about it for weeks, I think. But each day, I am grateful again as the feeling washes over me.

I made it to the town dock for sunrise this morning. It did not disappoint. Oddly, no one else was there. Perhaps because it’s a holiday, everyone is busy with cooking and planning and getting things ready. It’s slightly warmer here than where I live. And I only life about 30 miles north as the crow flies. But the temps this morning were in the low 60’s instead of high 50’s and it’s supposed to get to the low 80’s. These are some pictures.

I was kind of grateful that no one else was there this morning. It allowed me to do a bit of meditation. To kind of slide into the spirit of the day, the spirit of gratitude. I read these words by Anne Lamott a few days ago on her FB page, and I so loved them. This is a copy and paste of the short post. I think it’s fitting for today. My heart is full of gratitude that my life has turned out the way it has, so far.

” We pray to be mindful of the needs of others. We savor these moments out of time, when we are conscious of love’s presence, of Someone’s great abiding generosity to our dear and motley family, these holy moments of gratitude. And that is grace.”

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, with family and friends. Love and light to all.

Quiet Friday

Quiet day today. I drove out to another side of town, in search of a CVS. That was really just an excuse, I just wanted to go in the other direction, lol. I found the store, in the small town next to mine. Pretty little town, but more commercial, in a nice way. I also went to the post office to pick up the mail they’ve been holding. I had a letter from someone who wanted to buy my house. I guess that’s a good sign, but I just pitched it. Not selling for a LONG long while.

I came back, put some more stuff away. A new friend texted me, because she left something in my car last night. She came over to get it and the two of us went to the library in town, then off to get ice cream down on Beach Blvd, lol. How Florida does that sound?

She gave me a tour of the town, some things I hadn’t had a chance to see. We went to the Clam Bayou, which is a nature conservancy with all kinds of paths for walking an biking through it. It’s right on the water. She also took me over to the Boca Ciega Yacht Club, which is really just a club of boaters, that love boating and water. We were able to walk in, ask about their sailing lessons, just walk around it. Not fancy at all. Just people like me who love the water.

This town is about the same size, population size, as the small town I lived in in CT, 12,000. Yet it has all these wonderful things for the people who live there. Community theater, a big beautiful library, a wonderful senior center, a yacht club, artwalks, galleries. Tomorrow there’s something going on at a place called The Blueberry Patch, and there will be music, etc. There is always something to do. Always. I even found a center today that does sound healing and I’m going to call them and see what kind of sound healing. It could be gongs! That would be so awesome.

When my friend left, I noticed my ceiling fan was making a little noise. I shut it off, and got up on the ladder, to see if there was something loose. As it turned out, I could see the tail of one of those little lizards sticking out of it!!!!! I pulled the tail out and it broke off. I was completely grossed out. There was another little piece about a half inch long hanging out of the crack in the fan (I think it was a dried up leg) but I couldn’t find my needle nose pliers to pull it out. Poor little lizard got all the way to the fan and died…..Geez. I turned it back on and it’s not making noise now, so I suppose it was the tail whipping the blades as they spun.

I am starting to get less freaked out by the wildlife here. Giant bugs, lizards, fire ants….. I guess they are a fair trade for the balmy breezes, beautiful beaches, and lack of winter. I mean, I can’t be squeamish when I live alone.

My friend Pat, the painter, is going to start designing the sign to go outside my front door on my house that will say “Avalon”.  It really is the place of new beginnings, and healing. So happy the universe conspired in my behalf to land me here.

Life is good. Gonna look for a movie on TV tonight, after I eat dinner. All is well.

Love and light.

Straight From the Bottle

I’m about to drink wine straight from the bottle. Because I don’t have a glass that’s not packed. I feel like I need to sit back and relax.  (There’s only about 1 glass left in the bottle.)  I’ve been going full tilt since 8:30 am and it’s now 5:30. Vacuumed and mopped the basement floors, and cleaned the fridge in there. It was my sons fridge, he’s 24. That should be enough to explain how much fun that was. I did score 4 beers out of it, lol, but I don’t really like beer. Oh well. Someone will drink it.

My two besties came over this morning and cleaned out my pantry and freezer. Their husbands cleaned out the garage. By cleaned out, I mean that they took all the food that was edible out of the pantry, and all the stuff from the garage that I couldn’t sell or give away.   Snow blower, weed wacker, space heaters, gas cans, all sorts of stuff.  Then the husbands helped me disconnect the TV, and put it in the box it has to go in for moving. Also the mirror which is attached to my dresser.

Then I packed more stuff. Like my printer, jewelry box, jewelry that doesn’t fit in my jewelry box, DVD player, hand soap dispensers and toothbrush holder. Cleaned two bathrooms.

Done for today. Done. Especially after talking to my sister for an hour, and my son for a half hour. I’m pretty spent.

I don’t have TV to watch tonight either. I can watch it on my computer though. So many people are asking to come by and say goodbye one more time. It’s really heartwarming. Because I don’t have time to go see everyone, but they are all willing to come here. I am grateful. Doing all this stuff alone has proven to be very hard.

The one person I really kind of hoped would say goodbye has remained silent. I’m not surprised, he couldn’t do the right thing on his best day. And neither could his girlfriend. Match made in heaven. Or maybe the other place. I’m over it, just think it would have been nice to leave things on a more positive note. He’s never been able to do things that are uplifting to anyone but himself anyway.

On the other hand, Addie, whose heart I broke over the silent one a few times, has been in touch, and still makes mefeel his   unconditional love.   I am so hsppy to hear from him. And happy that his girlfriend is secure enough and mature enough not to try to stop him.  Blessed to have that sweet man in my life, takes the sting out of the other one.

Well, onward. Not much left to do here. Thankfully. Wind it up and get my butt down to the land of sand, salt and palm trees. I’m ready.

Love and light.

Leaving

leaving

Asking for strength
To get through the next days.
Friends buoy me,
Mark my channel.
Keep me centered
Grounded,
In the flow.

Looking back at my life
Here
for so many years.
Easy to have regrets
But I balk at regrets.
Lessons, not regrets.
Things I needed to learn
To grow my soul.

In the end,
I have loved,
much more than
I have hated.
I have laughed
More than I’ve cried.
Joy has filled
What pain tried to take away.

So young when I came here
Just legal age.
I leave 44 years later
The largest part of my life behind me.
At least, of this life.
Time for change,
For the next great adventure.

Love and light.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images