Uncomplicated Love

“Think of someone you love who is uncomplicated to love,” the meditation guide instructed. I thought, of course, of my son. And as thoughts are liable to do, immediately after my son, I thought of my mother. And then of my father. And then of my two sisters.

All of them, uncomplicated to love, and to be loved by.

I have never known different with my family. Even when we had our disagreements, our rough patches, I never doubted that we loved each other, and that if pressed, we would be there for each other. Ever.

How friggin’ blessed I am, is something I’ve come to know as an adult. Really not until I was well past the half-way mark of my life did I realize the depth of that blessing.

I remember back when I just assumed all families were like mine. It seemed incongruous that my best friend’s father (at age 12) could put belt marks on her legs, but he did. She didn’t make a big deal of it, so no one else did. I can’t imagine what it was like, to be a 12 year old, going through puberty, and have your father take a belt to you. I remember my own father, at times in his frustration with my misbehavior as a child, raising his hand. That, the raised hand, was enough to make me know I better stop what I was doing, or saying. He never brought it down on me. I think it would have killed him to hit me.

I was SO naive.

I have known and loved men who were beaten by their fathers, whose mothers stood by and watched, thus enabling the brutality of a child. I think I made it my quest to prove to them that they were lovable, that they were in reality, as deserving of unconditional love as much as anyone. I wanted to convince them that it is possible for someone to love them purely, with no conditions. I cannot imagine a more painful thing to live with than the belief that you innately do not deserve love and belonging. Would it not instill false shame, to think you weren’t worthy of your parents love? And shame is such a destructive emotion.

I was unable to achieve this. It took me a long time to actively give up the quest. And that in itself, is not a good basis for a relationship anyway. There is no common ground. But, I love them, still. And wish they could see themselves the way I saw them. I wish they knew that all the love they think they missed is inside them now, given to them as a divine right. No one can take it from anyone else.

My childhood friend, has somehow managed to retrieve a relationship with her siblings now. They are very close. She has held onto the friendships of her youth. She’s coming to see me, and our other friend who lives in Daytona across the state, in January. This group of girls is like my family. They reconnected with me after about 40 years, and we picked up where we left off.

I think though, that it is part of my soul’s journey to love others the way that I’ve been loved. Am loved. It’s always the underlying emotion, the baseline. If I’ve loved you, I will always love you. If I never see you again, I will always love you, always wish the best for you, always feel the pain I know you feel and always send out whatever I can to assuage it. I may not like your behavior, I may choose to withdraw from it, but the love I felt, only came through me. I did not create it, I just channeled it. And will continue to do so, actively or passively.

So this was my post-meditation blog. Kind of a deep, heavy meditation, and it seems I’ve been doing a lot of reflection and introspection around this broader subject lately. I hope I’m not boring….not bringing the kiss of death on myself, lol.

Love and light, all.

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Gonna Dance in the Moonlight

I guess I will have to buy a new hot water storage tank. We don’t have the inspection report yet, but the realtor texted me to tell me that the hot water tank is leaking badly, and ready to go at any time. So….I guess I shouldn’t delay. Sucks….big time. However, my bff’s husband is gonna look for me, I have no idea who to even call. What a blessing to have friends like that.

But today I mellowed out about it. It is what it is. I will still be in Florida in 2 months, no matter what. Just gotta get through this leg. Then the packing leg. Then the getting my son to Colorado leg. Then the finish packing leg. Then the driving leg. But then I’ll be there. For good. Dancing in the moonlight. Under the palm trees, where the water is blue, not green.

One step at a time. I’ll get there.

It was hot today, like 103°. Really hot. Air so thick it weighed you down to walk in it. Then when I left work tonight it started raining, and the temp dropped to 75 in about an hour. So nice. Yet the heat didn’t seem bad to me. I went to the cove for lunch and sat in the sun with my windows down and a very slight breeze off the water. I fell asleep for about 5 minutes, it was lovely.

Maybe I’m a little crazy, lol.

Feeling really content tonight. Don’t feel stressed, didn’t need a glass of wine. Only The big picture is moving in the direction of my dreams. Not much more to say. At least not tonight.

Love and light.

The Best is Yet to Come

The sun poured into my bedroom window like spun gold this morning. It was filtered only by the sheer white curtain that hangs like a flouncy skirt onto the floor. It was 6:15. I woke earlier, at 5:30 and thought, no, I don’t want to get up this early, and the next time I looked it was 6:15.

When the sun is like that, pouring through the windows on the south side of the house, I am excited to get up, and watch the day unfold. I am only sorry it isn’t warm enough to sit outside, and listen to the birds, and feel the gentle spring breeze on my cheek.

I did a meditation this morning by Tara Brach on Open Awareness. She does wonderful guided meditations. https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/

At the beginning, as she guides you into physical body relaxation, she asks you “What is it your heart really wants?”

My answer was swift, required no thought. “To love and be loved.” That’s all.

The meditation sought to bring us to a place of only awareness, not thought. Using words from the Buddhist monk Tilopa from 1000 or so years ago:

Let go of what has passed.
Let go of what may come.
Let go of what is happening now.
Don’t try to figure anything out.
Don’t try to make anything happen.
Relax, right now, and rest.

It was a nice way to begin the day. Peaceful, no angst today. Or at least, not right now. (she smiles, lol)

My son and I are going out for BBQ today. It’s a delayed birthday dinner. Then we’re stopping at Sam’s club, for a few things. It is a lovely spring day.

I have not buried the St. Joseph statue that my friends Peter and Linda gave me in my front yard yet. I think I’ll do it this morning. I’ve not had a nibble all weekend on the house. Even though I’m not really worried about it, I still think I will give it whatever added boost the statue can give it.

And believe. Just believe it will happen. Just trust that the universe will bring the right buyers to my house at the right time.

Feeling peaceful and calm this morning. Trusting my intuition to guide the path of my life to follow my heart’s desire, to find my heart’s desire. I am beginning to trust myself again. It’s a good feeling. I’m not sure if that isn’t the greatest trauma of being betrayed on such a grand scale, the loss of our ability to trust ourselves. A good lesson was learned about love and trust.

I still believe love never dies. I think I’ll always love the people I loved. It’s just that I see them through unfiltered glasses now, in all their imperfection. What’s done is done, what’s over is over. In the words of Van Morrison in Someone Like You:

But just lately I have realized
The best is yet to come.

I hope that’s true until my last breath.

Better Things Await

low points

First day back at work.  I had over 1000 emails to sift through. My boss promised a half dozen people I’d ship their orders today.  Like, yeah, sure.  While I’m reading my 1000 emails.  It was crazy, but….I laughed my way through it, thinking, I won’t have to do this much longer!  LOL  I was so happy, even though the normal absurdity of the workplace was creating chaos all around me.

I am not telling the people at work about the house.  There are too many people who can’t keep their mouths shut.

My sis called me today, and the real estate agent called her today and someone else has made an offer, contingent on financing.  So my sis and brother-in-law are going to meet with her at the house tomorrow and barring something unforseen, will make a cash offer to them.  Then I’ll pay them back when my house sells.

I can’t even believe they would do this for me.  I mean, I can, they are loving and grateful to have the ability to help their family out, but I can’t believe it anyway.  It’s just beyond what I ever would have dreamed of.  This means that I won’t have to rent a place when I head down there, I’ll have a place to just move into.  It’s crazy.  Just crazy.  I am so friggin blessed.  Just blessed.

My son is a little nervous, but I told him we will work it out.  He doesn’t think he’ll be ready to head for Colorado when I’m ready to move, but we will figure it out.  The universe will make it work, I’m sure.

I am so excited, and happy, and so looking forward to this move.  For awhile I felt like I was running from things. From S, mostly, from my ex, from so many bad memories, so much pain and sadness. But now…idk.  I don’t feel any attachment to any of the past, only a lot of excitement to get on with this chapter of my life.  Not having to go to work every day, being able to follow my passions, to ride a bike everywhere, to get to the beach on a daily basis!  To smell the salt air and feel the sea breeze all the time.

I think my ex and S were the two most difficult relationships of my life.  My ex for sure, and S, even though it wasn’t that long, I loved him soooo fucking much, and he hurt me sooooo badly.  But you know what?  I learned from both of them, both relationships, lessons I would not otherwise have learned.  They were without a doubt my best teachers.

Now I’ll take those lessons into a new life, and I feel like joy and happiness are just waiting for me to take their hand and walk with me.  I, honest to God, finally feel no pain with either of them, nor any longing, or desire.  They were part of my life, past tense.

Better things await.  I used to say, while waiting for my divorce to finish, my abundance has already been created, it just hasn’t manifested yet.  And that’s how I feel now.  I can feel joy and happiness in the works, it is manifesting…..slow but sure, every minute it comes clearer into view.

On Being Half-Dead

Burial Cost

This poster was hanging from the ceiling of the bar I went to Friday night.  It’s kind of a western themed bar/cafe.  This sign tickled me, lol.  I took a picture, but I’m sorry about the quality.  I had to zoom in to make it legible, and it lost a lot of definition in doing that.

It made me think about how people walk around so unaware of the beauty and possibilities that life has.  If you’re walking around half-dead, then you can choose to be buried, quite inexpensively!  Or, you can choose to breathe in life, and rise.  There is always another choice.  As long as we breathe, there is another possibility.

There are thousands of them actually.

How do we choose?  It’s so easy to make the wrong decision, and end up far from where we want to be.

I think first, you have to believe that inside of you, and every sentient being, there is a center, connected to the One Thing, borne of the unconditional love of the universe.  Even if you don’t feel it at the moment, believe it is there.  That’s the  beginning.

And then, trust your gut.  Trust your third eye.  Trust your intuition.  Trust the way a choice makes you feel.  Don’t think about it, FEEL it.  Feel what is right for you.  And trust that.  It may seem harder.  It may seem unreasonable.  It may seem stupid.

People asked me why I would even want to talk to S, let alone be with him after what he did, last summer and fall.  But I trusted my gut.  There was something else I needed to know, to learn from one last go-round with him.

I don’t regret it.  I learned what I needed to.  And it allowed me to have clarity and let go.

I am trusting my gut on this move to Florida.  I am terrified, if I think about it.  Overwhelmed.  The logistics alone, of getting the house ready for sale, selling it, retiring, getting my house packed up and moving to a new place where I know 3 people well, 1500 miles from the place where I am comfortable every day of my life, all by myself?  It seems crazy.

I trust my gut, that it is absolutely the right thing for me to do. And I move ahead.

I got through my long contentious divorce, trusting my gut, going with the flow.  It’s how I freed my son, just listening to that inner voice.  Making choices that absolutely freaked my attorney out, and proved to be the exact right thing to do.

Sometimes, it requires stillness.  Sometimes you need to sit somewhere, and just clear your head and let the energy of the Universe fill you, and guide you.  Giving yourself a few minutes of stillness every day can give you the space to just know.

If you make a mistake, so what?  There is always a way back, or another path you can choose to get where you want to be.  If you know where it is you really want to be.

Sometimes we think want to be with a specific person, that we won’t be happy unless we are.  We make a mistake that sends that person packing, never to be seen again. Is that cause to lay down and die?  To spring for the $22.95 and get ourselves buried?

What did we really want?  What were we expecting to feel when we were with them?  Can we just realize that what we wanted them to fulfill in us, can be fulfilled in another way?  By ourselves, by our passions, or by finding someone else?  Was the mistake that we made a mistake?  Or just, a lesson, a signpost to point us in another direction, towards more personal fulfillment?

Thousands of choices. Every step is a choice.  If you run into a wall, change your course.  Find a way around it. Even the great wall of China has a beginning and an end.

Why waste a lifetime walking around half-dead?

 

Just an Afterthought

I just remembered something about last night that my friend and I both found really cool.

We walked into this bar/cafe, and because they had a good band playing, even at 7:15 every seat was taken.  As we were looking around, a woman at the bar said to us, “We just came here for dinner, and we’ll be leaving in 15 or 20 minutes.  If you stay here, you can grab our seats when we go.”  They were sitting at the bar, which is our preferred place to sit, because it’s just more casual, presents a better opportunity to meet and talk with people. That was so cool!

Then while we were waiting, there was a high table, with no chairs, where we could stand and at least put our wine glasses on it.  As we stood there, another woman who was seated at a high bar on stools (there are individual high bar tables scattered around) offered to us the empty chair at her table.

When we finally sat down at the bar, which was only about 15 minutes later, we were sitting there, and had our coats on the back of the bar chairs.  My coat fell off, unknown to me, and someone came over, picked it up, and gave it to me.

Just people, being so nice!!!  People talking, like family.  It was a neighborhood bar.  Small. The bartenders were 3 women, so friendly, so nice.  The people at the bar all talked to each other.  Someone came and asked us to dance, I deferred to my friend, lol.  She loves to dance, I am ok with it, but was not feeling like moving after 3 glasses of wine, lol.  While she danced a man next to me began a convo with me.  He was younger than me, and I think he really had his eye on my friend who was dancing, she was much closer to his age (she’s 50, I’m 64) .  But he asked how long I’d been single, we compared our ring “scars”!  LOL.  He’d been married 22 years. Me, 32.  We kind of understood each other, lol.

It was just so pleasant, to actually have people who were friendly, kind, normal interaction with fellow human beings.  We had a blast.  My friend was so happy she got to dance.

It restored my faith, that most people in this world are good and kind, and loving people.  I guess that’s why I had such a good time.

The Biggest Fool

Christmas lights twinkle, and I sit here alone again, watching The Voice, my solitude broken by my son’s intermittent energy erupting into the family room.   I am ok alone, I always have been.

When I was married, I loved being alone.  At least for the last 10 years.  To have peace in the house, not to be dealing with the alcoholic temper, not to be worrying at least for a little while, what was going to set him off on one of his crazy tangents.

My ex is in a bed of his own making.  Renting the tiny cottage next door to the house we lived in for 30 years, he lived there for almost 40.  But it was not too big a change in his address, just one number.  One number in his phone number.  And he can still look out in the morning and see the lake.  I don’t think I could do that, though, see my old house every day that I lost in foreclosure.  I’d want to get away.  But he never did what one might expect.  I’ve known him for 46 years.  I’ve seen the changes that took over him little by little, and turned him into someone I just didn’t love anymore.  I’m not surprised, but saddened at his state.

It still is hard for me to to reconcile the S of the last 8 months with who I thought he was.  I mean, yeah, it’s in my face, and no I don’t want him in any way.  Just seems so incongruous.  I guess there was always a hint of it,  but when he did the prison whore, he couldn’t wait to get it off his chest.  He came to my house and stood up and talked about it, which I know was hard for him, until I understood enough of where he was to believe it was an anomaly and let him back into my life.

But this….he just lied and deceived two women who adored him for so long, for so many months.  Daily, hourly with me, lies.  He knew, he absolutely knew, that we didn’t want any part of a triangle.  I guess I shouldn’t speak for Betty, but from all Scott told me, she didn’t.  He knew for sure that I didn’t.  He once talked about swinging when he was younger… I just looked at him, like how?  How did you do that?

He used to say he wasn’t jealous, and if I had sex with someone else he wouldn’t be jealous.  Only if I loved someone else.  But when I was with A for the short time after the prison whore, and I was coming home from Florida and A was picking me up at the airport, S asked me not to let him sleep with me.  And A fully expected to, he was picking me up at midnight.  I hadn’t seen Scott in about a month, maybe longer, but I’d thought only about him when I was in Florida. We made plans to get together the day after I came back.  I said, we won’t have sex if he does.  S said, “sleeping with someone is pretty intimate.”  So, he pretended he wasn’t jealous to himself, but it was just a shell.  He didn’t want anyone else to be with his woman, whoever it might be.  At least, that’s the guy he showed me.

I don’t remember a break in our texting all summer on Saturday nights when he was with B. Not until I knew about her.  Then I would hear from him Saturday morning til early afternoon and then Sunday when he was alone.  But all summer…I don’t remember thinking where is he, why won’t he answer me, on Saturday night.  He must have taken his phone in the bathroom, or waited til Betty was out of the room.  We’d be texting and sexting as normal….

Damn, he was good.  Gutsy.  But in the end, I’m free of him.  I had nothing but a heart and soul full of love for him to get out of my system. I mean, no long term plans.  Just more desire than I’ve ever had for anyone.   Oh he talked about visiting me in Florida, how much he’d like that, but that was bs, just idle talk to draw me in, if he was with her.  He couldn’t have taken a week off, lol.  I was so angry he wouldn’t go with me in June, after he’d been looking at airfares and making plans.  He would say are you still mad about that?  “Yes”, I’d say for weeks after.  “It was stupid.  We could have had so much fun.  My sister lives in friggin’ paradise (2 blocks from the gulf, with a fenced in yard with lagoon pool) and it would have cost air fare.  We’d have had it alone.  Skinny dipping in the pool, walking the beach at night, we could have found a secluded spot to….”  And he’d go silent, because he couldn’t tell me the real reason, he thought I’d buy his bullshit story.  I never did.  But I sure didn’t think he was with her….

She and I will be ok.  B is attractive, she will find a man who can be faithful to her. I know right now she thinks she’ll never love again, but she will.   I think I can too.  I don’t think all that many men in their 60’s are interested in seeing how many women they can have.  Most of us are sick to death of games by this age.

Oh well.  Don’t know why I’m going here tonight.  Just still trying to see the man as he was, trying to put the pieces together still. I don’t know why.   It’s simple.  He is good at what he does, he fooled me, and he fooled her.  I think, in hindsight, he was probably the biggest fool of all though.

Peace out.  Love and light to all.