A Trying Kind of Day

at-least-i-tried

It was a trying day. Like the kind of day where you’re trying really hard not to quit your job. Grrr. But it’s over.

Since I put up that post about “how long can your sign hold a grudge” I’ve been looking into my Aries traits. I have never been really into astrology, but honestly, everything I read about Aries is on the money with me. Strong, quick tempered but just as quick to get over it and forgive. Energetic. Extroverted. Passionate. Tonight I was looking up my best matches, lol. And whether or not my ex and I, or Scott and I were a good match.  Just informative, I wasn’t doing anything but a little retro-analysis for fun.  Just to see.

My ex was a Pisces. Honestly my Aries traits were so subdued with him, because I was always trying to figure out how to be so he’d be happy. So he’d approve and not loose that vitriolic tongue on me. So whether or not we’d have been a good match if he wasn’t an abusive sociopath, remains to be seen. The site I was reading said Pisces are gentle and intuitive….Well, not my ex. I guess he was in bed, but that was the only place.

But I think when you add all the facets of an abuser to any sign, the rest of the traits are lost, really.

Scott was an Aquarian, and man, he is the quintessential Aquarian. This site said “The relationship of Aries and Aquarius is very exciting, adventurous and interesting. They will enjoy each other’s company as both of them love fun and freedom. Although they share the same personality traits Aquarians need more space than Arians which may create a tiff between them. An Aquarian will always support the spontaneity of an Arian and in turn the Arian will also admire the creativity and innovative ideas of an Aquarian.” Damn, so true….he loved his space (of course, I didn’t know it ws filled with Betty…..) He was creative, and innovative, and I loved those things about him. That his creativity led him to creatively deceive two women….lol. Well, let’s just say, I’m not interested in pursuing that any longer!

I had to laugh….Betty is a Scorpio, supposedly the worst match for an Aquarius. “Scorpio’s moodiness, jealousy, and possessiveness will eventually make Aquarius feel trapped and possibly ignite the water bearer’s roving eye.” Um, maybe…….LOL. Sounds like a match made in, um….heaven? Lol. Well, she should know, she’s known him long enough.

Makes me laugh, how he projected the jealousy thing onto me. Yeah, when he did the prison whore…I was jealous for a moment.  I was more pissed, and appalled and devastated.  He devastated me for a hooker?   Jealousy was a small part of it. When he dumped me by telling me he was going to be with Betty after leading me on all week, I was jealous. But not that much after, I figured he knew what he wanted, and I just missed him.  And still loved him.  When I saw him in January and he was crying to me about her, I wasn’t jealous at all.  Apparently she was, though, when she found out he was with me.  Whatever.  It’s just that I kept wondering why he kept telling me he hated my jealousy when I really wasn’t, have never been, jealous.  I won’t share, but that’s not jealousy.  Hell, I always laughed at the way he flirted with the cashiers and the waitresses, he was funny as hell.  I’ve always known who I am, and that I have value, and if you don’t like it or want it, I’ll find someone who does.

Interesting though. But ’nuff said. Just anecdotal now.

I called my ex this morning, to ask him what would be a good time to drop off all the cassettes I have that I’m gonna give to him, because I can’t play them. He was appropriately grateful. Then he asked how our son was.

I said, “Oh he’s fine. I know he keeps saying he is going to call you but hasn’t done it.” He started to tell me how he thought about it for 3 days, searched his heart….he doesn’t work, and has no friends, so he’s got nothing else to do. Anyway, he came up with the reason my son won’t talk to him (It’s been maybe 6 years or so….) is because my son could never understand why his father and I couldn’t get along and he had to grow up in that bad relationship. Was it ok if he talked to my son about that?

I wanted to laugh. I mean really. But all I said was, “You can talk to him about whatever you want. But you are barking up the wrong tree. The reason he doesn’t talk to you has nothing to do with our relationship or with me.”

Of course he got mad. Got his defensive back up, lol. Idiot. My son won’t talk to him because he physically, emotionally and verbally abused the kid his whole life. Duh. I didn’t say that. I just said, ok, you believe what you want to. I gotta go.

And ended the conversation.

Maybe he’ll call a couple more people who don’t know my son, and haven’t spoken to me in 10 years for some advice. He’s lost his business, his home, his boat, his family. And it’s all someone else’s fault I guess. Probably mine…..

So with that conversation, I became more sure that they will never have a relationship. Even if my son called him, talked to him, the minute his father started on him with this bullshit, son would get pissed and walk away.

His father will never own up to the damage he did. It’s clear.

It’s sad, for my son. I’d love him to have a father. But not one like that, that can’t see the truth, can’t own what he has done, can’t recognize, feel remorse and repair the damage. Nope. My 23 year old son can do that. His 65 year old father cannot.

Sad. It’s sad for my ex. He’s gonna live his life out in this 500 sq. ft cottage, in the shadow of the life he could have had, right next door…..It’s actually kinda creepy…..

So, I’m thinking, it snowed today. I talked to my ex and he was the asshole I’ve always known and loved. Work was beyond chaotic today.

But I did try…..with my ex, to get somewhere with him. He told me he doesn’t want my thoughts on how to resolve his relationship with my son. So he won’t get them.

Love and light to all. Even him…..

 

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The Biggest Fool

Christmas lights twinkle, and I sit here alone again, watching The Voice, my solitude broken by my son’s intermittent energy erupting into the family room.   I am ok alone, I always have been.

When I was married, I loved being alone.  At least for the last 10 years.  To have peace in the house, not to be dealing with the alcoholic temper, not to be worrying at least for a little while, what was going to set him off on one of his crazy tangents.

My ex is in a bed of his own making.  Renting the tiny cottage next door to the house we lived in for 30 years, he lived there for almost 40.  But it was not too big a change in his address, just one number.  One number in his phone number.  And he can still look out in the morning and see the lake.  I don’t think I could do that, though, see my old house every day that I lost in foreclosure.  I’d want to get away.  But he never did what one might expect.  I’ve known him for 46 years.  I’ve seen the changes that took over him little by little, and turned him into someone I just didn’t love anymore.  I’m not surprised, but saddened at his state.

It still is hard for me to to reconcile the S of the last 8 months with who I thought he was.  I mean, yeah, it’s in my face, and no I don’t want him in any way.  Just seems so incongruous.  I guess there was always a hint of it,  but when he did the prison whore, he couldn’t wait to get it off his chest.  He came to my house and stood up and talked about it, which I know was hard for him, until I understood enough of where he was to believe it was an anomaly and let him back into my life.

But this….he just lied and deceived two women who adored him for so long, for so many months.  Daily, hourly with me, lies.  He knew, he absolutely knew, that we didn’t want any part of a triangle.  I guess I shouldn’t speak for Betty, but from all Scott told me, she didn’t.  He knew for sure that I didn’t.  He once talked about swinging when he was younger… I just looked at him, like how?  How did you do that?

He used to say he wasn’t jealous, and if I had sex with someone else he wouldn’t be jealous.  Only if I loved someone else.  But when I was with A for the short time after the prison whore, and I was coming home from Florida and A was picking me up at the airport, S asked me not to let him sleep with me.  And A fully expected to, he was picking me up at midnight.  I hadn’t seen Scott in about a month, maybe longer, but I’d thought only about him when I was in Florida. We made plans to get together the day after I came back.  I said, we won’t have sex if he does.  S said, “sleeping with someone is pretty intimate.”  So, he pretended he wasn’t jealous to himself, but it was just a shell.  He didn’t want anyone else to be with his woman, whoever it might be.  At least, that’s the guy he showed me.

I don’t remember a break in our texting all summer on Saturday nights when he was with B. Not until I knew about her.  Then I would hear from him Saturday morning til early afternoon and then Sunday when he was alone.  But all summer…I don’t remember thinking where is he, why won’t he answer me, on Saturday night.  He must have taken his phone in the bathroom, or waited til Betty was out of the room.  We’d be texting and sexting as normal….

Damn, he was good.  Gutsy.  But in the end, I’m free of him.  I had nothing but a heart and soul full of love for him to get out of my system. I mean, no long term plans.  Just more desire than I’ve ever had for anyone.   Oh he talked about visiting me in Florida, how much he’d like that, but that was bs, just idle talk to draw me in, if he was with her.  He couldn’t have taken a week off, lol.  I was so angry he wouldn’t go with me in June, after he’d been looking at airfares and making plans.  He would say are you still mad about that?  “Yes”, I’d say for weeks after.  “It was stupid.  We could have had so much fun.  My sister lives in friggin’ paradise (2 blocks from the gulf, with a fenced in yard with lagoon pool) and it would have cost air fare.  We’d have had it alone.  Skinny dipping in the pool, walking the beach at night, we could have found a secluded spot to….”  And he’d go silent, because he couldn’t tell me the real reason, he thought I’d buy his bullshit story.  I never did.  But I sure didn’t think he was with her….

She and I will be ok.  B is attractive, she will find a man who can be faithful to her. I know right now she thinks she’ll never love again, but she will.   I think I can too.  I don’t think all that many men in their 60’s are interested in seeing how many women they can have.  Most of us are sick to death of games by this age.

Oh well.  Don’t know why I’m going here tonight.  Just still trying to see the man as he was, trying to put the pieces together still. I don’t know why.   It’s simple.  He is good at what he does, he fooled me, and he fooled her.  I think, in hindsight, he was probably the biggest fool of all though.

Peace out.  Love and light to all.

 

Not Ignorant Bliss

I missed you for a moment.

A single, solitary, moment.

I remembered, quickly,

How it always ends.

Badly.

Her

You

Me

Out there.

On the outside.

Your choice.

“Why do you have to be so jealous?”

“That green-eyed monster….”

She has one too.

A monster.

You just don’t knock on it’s door

with her.

You don’t tell her

You asked me

to come see you

The minute she walked out the door.

All you wanted

was a blow job

anyway.

“The best you ever had.”

But she’ll never know.

Your “girlfriend.”

HA HA.

She lives in ignorant bliss.

I’m working my way back there.

Toward bliss.

Not ignorant though.