Craziness Resurfaces

The day started out well. I had the reception for Kristin Beck, the transgendered Navy seal at the Vets Art Center. She’s a lovely woman, and my trans friend that I’d told about Kristin Beck came with her daughter. They met and were talking at a table when I left. My friend was a paratrooper, so I think she and Kristin had a lot in common.

When we got home, I made us some food, and just as I sat down to eat, got a phone call from my old neighbor. My ex has deteriorated quite a bit. He’s holed up in his cottage, won’t talk to anyone, or answer the door. He’s quite paranoid. Apparently the police got involved again, and an intervention worker. They got him to hold up food in the window so that they’d know he has food.

She told me it’s so sad, he sits on a big boulder at the end of the driveway and stares down the street, looking for my son. He asked her husband if someone dropped off the key to his new car, and they just told him no. Because they know he doesn’t have a new car.

She really wanted to know if it’s ok to give the intervention worker my number if they need further information, and of course I told her it was.

When I hung up, I was freaked out, again. As I’ve been the last two times this has happened. I’m not really equipped to deal with mental illness. I talked to Dan about it for about an hour, then we just kind of rested. I knew I had to process and absorb it.

When all was said and done, I’m really feeling a little angry about it. I’m pissed off that I have to deal with this, 8 years after I divorced the man. I have compassion for him, but his situation is entirely his own fault, by his own choice. I’m not even family. I’ve decided if and when the intervention worker calls, I will give her any information that I can, but refer her to my sister-in-law.

I guess one reason it bothered me more than it should have was that it’s been about a month since his last episode. I had hoped that the appearance of the police at his door might have sent him back to reality. No news is good news, right? Apparently not always. But honestly, he’s not my responsibility any longer. Nor is he my son’s. His sister will have to manage his affairs, or the state.

Whatever. I have made a concerted effort to leave that old life in the past. I resent having it surface and try to interrupt the life I have made here. So, this time, I may push back a little.

Maybe that’s the lesson. For me to learn that what happens to someone else is not necessarily my responsibility. My responsibility lies in my own future, and not in correcting the problems that he’s made for himself.

Love and light, even to him.

Hats, and Other Saturday Musings

Lots of things on my mind today. I’m still kind of trying to comprehend the person across that street that shot herself. The police were there all day yesterday. One investigators car was there for 24 hours. I am guessing that there were some serious drugs involved. We went into town in the afternoon, and when we got back around 4, they were taking someone away by ambulance, on a chair not a stretcher. Dan remarked that sometimes when someone is busted for drugs they will try to get taken to the hospital instead of jail. Could be. This morning it seems quiet. I guess I’ll have to let the incident go. It’s just too hard to try to fathom that kind of pain.

I’ve decided I need to get a hat. A big floppy sun hat. The sun is so direct here, that going to the beach for an hour usually results in a scalp that’s slightly burned under my hair. Dan, who has a thick head of hair, found the same problem. When we were at my sisters, we were at the beach only about an hour, maybe an hour and 15 minutes. He put some sunscreen on because he didn’t really have a base tan, and forgot to do his feet, and the tops of his feet are beet red from that short time in the sun. I didn’t put any on, because I knew we weren’t going to be at the beach that long and I have a pretty gooe sd base tan. I still got a slight burn, just the kind that tingles enough to know it was too much sun. And, my scalp got a bit too much. Granted, we were in the sun again, when we were in my sister’s pool, but that’s partly in the shade.

So anyway, a sun hat is probably what I need to protect my face and my scalp. Thing is, I don’t wear hats. Everyone down here has been telling me I need a hat. My response has always been “I didn’t wear a hat in CT when it was 10° out, unless I was blowing the snow in the driveway. I’m not wearing one here.” It seems ridiculous when the weather is nice. I have also found that hats make me hot.

I once dated a guy who was balding on top and had a little beret. He asked me how I liked his hat, wasn’t it cool? This was a first date…. I said, “Yes, it’s cool if you like hats.” He said, so surprised, “You don’t like hats?” I gave him the same answer, that I’d never worn a hat.

Now that I think of it, in college I had a floppy wide-brimmed suede hat I used to wear in the winter, with my suede jacket with fringe down the arms. Thinking I was so cool, lol. But it was friggin freezing out in Iowa. The wind gets really rolling across the plains out there, and it’s cold. I didn’t have a car either, so was walking everywhere. I needed a hat. Trouble was, it didn’t cover my ears so I froze anyway.

I hate to become one of those old ladies on the beach in a hat. But I guess I’m going to have to. Sunscreen on the head looks worse than a hat. I guess I’ll have to break down.

The Veterans Art Center is having a reception today for Kristin Beck, who is a transgendered navy seal. She was Christian Beck. There was a movie made about her life, called Lady Valor, which had a showing yesterday, but I didn’t go to that. Apparently she has political aspirations, so has gone very public. At any rate, I need to get going to get showered and dressed for it. Dan’s going with me, which will be nice. He’ll be able to see the art center.

Love and light.


Opposite Ends of Life’s Spectrum

After another wonderful day with my family, we got back to my house about 5:30. While I was unpacking, Dan happened to look out the front window. There were 3 marked police cars, and 2 unmarked cars parked in front of the house across the street, so something big was happening, but we had no way to know what it was. I do know that the Child Protective Services have knocked on my door before, regarding a complaint about that house, and asked if I had seen anything going on. But I don’t know the people and had not noticed anything going on there. I’ve seen cruisers there on two other occasions as well.

There were two women out in front of the house, who lived there, I think. And one of them was hysterically crying. You could see she was totally distraught. My first thought because of the CPS coming here, was that something happened to her child or they were taking her child from her. But we really had no way to know. I just kind of felt that anyone who was that hysterical might be losing her child.

We left for open mic night shortly thereafter, for a nice evening of music, chatting with friends, and we ate dinner there, since we hadn’t had had time to make anything. While we were there, I got a call from my handyman. He lives near me and had driven by the house because he was here doing work yesterday. He wanted to know if I knew about all the police cars. He said there was now a forensics truck there, and the sherrif’s department.

It was kind of creepy, because we all knew if forensics was there it meant there was a dead body in the house. Open mic ended early, at 9 instead of 9:30 because it started raining. We got home about 9:30 and there were still police cars there, though not as many. The woman who had been hysterical happened to walk out of her house and get on the phone. Dan could hear her say (my hearing is not that good) “She shot herself in the head.”

Needless to say, we were freaked out. More me than him.  We had to talk for a good couple hours. I have such a hard time relating to being in that much pain. It makes me question, for a bit, my belief that we all choose the hour and the manner of our death before we are born. That its all part of our individual spirit’s journey, and cannot be understood by us on a human level. This belief was very comforting to me, when my mother struggled her last year and a half after her massive stroke, unable to speak, read, or write. But suicide? I feel like it goes against the grain, the taking of your own life. It is hard to comprenhend. Really hard. It is times like that when I am so grateful for my life, for the love of my family which I’ve had all my life. So grateful I’ve never had that struggle.

This morning I woke up and one of my first thoughts was that I was so glad that I didn’t know the people who lived there. That I wasn’t mourning the loss on a personal level. I suppose that’s kind of selfish, but I am still grateful for it.

Kind of crazy, to have two such nice days, full of love and happiness with my family, and then to come home and face the fact that someone was so miserable in their life that they could take it. It sure makes you remember to be grateful for your blessings

Love and light to all.

Family Time

Dan and I at my sister’s house on the island tonight. We picked up my nephew and his wife at the airport today and are now all at my sister’s house. It’s been a wonderful day.

We showed them my house, then drove around Gulfport, the quick tour from the car. Then drove over here to the island. We sat around having drinks and food. My sister has so much food here. We are only staying tonight, but I know we won’t be hurting for good food. We spent a long while in at her pool, but skipped the hot tub. It’s really hot here, and high humidity. The pool heat is shut off, and the water is still about 85°.

We ate a fabulous dinner and then drove the two blocks to watch the sunset over the gulf. Clouds had set in to the west, probably from the tropical storm system to the west in Lousisana, and from the humidity here. So we didn’t get to see the sunset, but we did just hang out on the beach.

The Florida Conservation Assoc. (I think that’s the name) marked some sea turtle nest today on the beach. They stake them out and cordon them off so that people won’t disturb the nests. So, on a full moon in July or August they will hatch, and run to the sea. They have to make it to the water and then swim 2 miles out within 24 hours to make it to safe feeding grounds. The people who live along the water have to follow strict regulations on their outdoor lighting, because the turtles need moonlight to find their way to the water. We hope to come back here to watch them hatch. I’m pretty excited about it.

Anyway, it’s been a fun family filled day, with my sister and brother-in-law, and my nephew and his wife. So good to have family time. So good the way they have embraced Dan into the family. My sister told me I look so happy. I am, I am.

Love and light, everyone.

A Happy I’m-Not-A-Father’s Day

I’m not a father, obviously, but I had a really nice Father’s Day. I made cream cheese brownies for Dan, and brought them to his house with a Father’s Day card. We took some to his mother, who was so excited about them. She doesn’t get out much at 90, so is very appreciative of people bringing her goodies. Later in the day we went to Bonefish Grill and ate way too much and had a bottle of wine, then stayed up groaning about how full we were, lol. But it was fun.

This morning we went out for breakfast, and when we got there, we saw Krispy Kreme donuts across the street. We managed not to go there, but now I know it’s not that far from his house, lol. That’s so dangerous.

We were laughing at breakfast, because our server asked Dan where he was from. They had a conversation about South Boston, where they were both from. Well, he isn’t technically from that part of Boston, but he spent a lot of time there. Anyway, she was saying how she’d worked to lose her Boston accent and learned to say her R’s. Like “park the car” not “pahk the cah” because she got tired of customers and people always asking where she was from. After she left, he and I kept talking about it. He thinks he’s lost a bunch of his accent, but I don’t. He’s very Bostonian, to me. He said to me, seriously, “I say my Ahhhh’s now.” And I burst out laughing. “Yeah,” I said. “You say your Ahhh’s real well.”

We went to my house to pick up a med I had forgotten, and when we walked in the house was hot. Turns out my thermostat battery had died. I was glad we didn’t wait until tomorrow, or it would have been 90° inside the house by the time I got home tomorrow. I think my salt lamp would have had a serious melting episode.

We think the rat problem is solved, but can be sure tomorrow. I want the traps and food to go untouched for a few days before I put all the food back in that cabinet. I’ll be happy to be rid of that problem!

Anyway, we had plans to go in the pool this afternoon for some exercise, but it started pouring rain on the way home. Guess we’ll have to rethink that plan. Still, it’s a nice relaxing day.

Love and light.