Mending Hearts

kintsukuroi heart

Words spoken
In anger and in pain
Shouldn’t carry the same weight
As words spoken in love and truth.

Should they?

Can the angry words be weighed
Against history and past actions?
If they were an anomaly
Can you let it go?

Or do you need to hold on to them forever?

If past actions were hurtful
Is it possible to forgive them
When the hurt that was caused
is over, and gone?

Soothed by understanding.

If love is pervasive now
Then why require past perfection.
None of us are, none of us were.
But love is.

Perfect.

Hearts can be broken
Hearts can be mended.
Like kintsukuroi
Perhaps hearts are more beautiful

When mended with love’s gold filaments.

 

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

Son’s Visit Comes To An End

My son and his family go home today. God, I will miss him. And them. We had so much fun. Ate out a lot, went to the beach quite a bit, went to my sister’s house for a couple of days. The weather couldn’t have been more perfect. The kids thought they were in paradise. And they were.

Mostly I loved getting to know my son’s girlfriend and her daughter. Her daughter calls me Gramma Deb and told me I was the best grandma. I think that is because she only has me and her mother’s mother, who is not well with early-onset Alzheimers. I forgot how exhausting kids can be, but she is such a good little girl (she’s 7). She finds her own stuff to do and keeps herself occupied. She loved playing all my musical instruments: the gong, the bowls, the keyboard, the drums.

She is so sweet, such a loving child. Always laughing, never mean. I adore her. I’m hoping my health remains good enough that when she is old enough to fly here by herself, she can come in the summer to visit.

Anyway, the visit was all I hoped it would be and more. I watch my son parent this little girl and I’m so proud of him. So proud of the loving caring and smart way he takes care of her. I know he is determined to be the father he didn’t have. He also treats his girlfriend wonderfully, and that makes me very happy too. And me, he treats me like a loving son, helps out in the kitchen, picks up after himself and his daughter, doesn’t complain about stuff. It’s a pleasure to be around him.

I will miss them. I feel very blessed to have these awesome people in my life, as my family.

So, I’m back, I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to say in the next few days. But I’m one happy lady, and one sad one too, to have to take them to the airport and say goodbye. I’ll be going out to Denver sometime this summer, which will be fun.

Life is good. Love and light to all.

A Family Visit

My son, his girlfriend and her daughter are here visiting. They got in yesterday afternoon. It’s so wonderful to have them here! I’m really excited to have them and spend some time really getting to know the gf and her daughter. We were together last summer, but the visit was short, and I didn’t stay with them. Her daughter calls me Gramma Deb. And she told me I was the BEST gramma, lol. She’s 7. I showed her how to tap the gong, and make the bowls sing, let her bang the drum, and make the thunder drum thunder, and she spent a lot of time playing them! Maybe a girl after my own heart. I really love this little girl!

I took them to open mic for some very casual good seafood. It was really good and fun. A bunch of my tribe was there and got to meet them. Ellena, the 7-year-old, was dancing to the music. It was so cute! She said next year she’s going to sing, lol. She said she’ll practice all year. She spent the afternoon chasing geckos around my deck, trying to catch one. She named the small ones “Flash” which I thought was so cute!

Today will be a quick run to get some bathing suits since it was apparently difficult to find one in Denver this time of year.  Then we can hit the beach this weekend.

Anyway, I don’t expect to be around much for the next few days, as we have a lot planned. I expect to be completely worn out when they leave. Happily.

Hope you all have as nice a Valentines Day as I’m about to have. Love and light to all.

Another Sound Healing and Some Thoughts

Last night we had our February full moon sound healing at the beach. We had a good turnout, at least 30 people came and either sat or lay on the beach. The sun was setting, another gorgeous Gulf sunset, as we began playing. I was sad that we didn’t get any pictures of that sunset, because it set after we began playing. I think we have to move the time up from 6 to 6:30. The supermoon was up by the time we were done, and it was so amazing.

I thought the playing went well. Dan decided at the last minute (yesterday around noon) to bring down his gong and join us. I was fine that he joined us, and would have been fine if he didn’t. I wish he would have decided earlier so we could have practiced together, because I don’t think he had a good feel for what I wanted to do there last night, of the new sounds I was wanting to make. I tried to explain it to him before we went, but I kept having to tell him during the actual healing. It kind of makes it harder when I have to pay close attention to what he’s doing instead of him just figuring it out. I know it sounds like I’m being critical, but his intuition in this type of thing is not really good, and it IS my thing, I’m the only one that knows what the outcome is that I want to achieve. Lynn, my friend on bowls, does, because we practice together and talk about it and we are like minded. So I somehow have to get better communication with Dan about it. If that’s possible. IDK.

We are talking on a regular basis but I don’t really feel the closeness I did, with the end result being I am right now kind of wondering where this is going. Kind of feeling in limbo at the moment. Like I’m standing in a circle of possibilities, some really awesome and some that I don’t like at all. I guess time will tell.

And then, we have to deal with this stupid boat, so I am loathe to change anything right now, because we have to do that and I don’t want to add stress back into our relationship.

However, all of that is kind of in the back of my head, because in the front is that my son and his family are coming in a few days, and we have plans for every day. It will be so wonderful. I’m taking them out for dinner at my favorite restaurant on Valentines Day, and up to Open Mic that I go to every week the night before which is the day they get here, for food and to meet all my friends. We’re going over to my sisters on the island for a couple days, too, and of course to the beaches here. Then one day is his girlfriend’s birthday too. Lots of stuff to do. I asked Dan to join us for the Valentines Day dinner but he seems to be very ambivalent about it. Whatever, I know I’ll enjoy it and so will my son and his family.

Lots to do so time to get going. Love and light, all.

A Soft Place to Land

I spent the day alone yesterday, all day. Didn’t even go out of the house. After going out for pizza and to listen to our good friends play Dan and I had stayed up until just after midnight Friday night. Since we were home by 8 PM, that was 4 hours of talking and about 2 hours past when I usually go to bed. The conversation turned to hard, difficult, at times angry. Finally, at one point in a break in the conversation I asked him if we could be done for the night.

For whatever reason that happened, I woke up yesterday morning after 4 hours of sleep, and my waking thought was, I cannot do this anymore. I cannot go through this verbal blood and guts scene. We have been talking just a week now, and 3 times have had hours long conversations into the wee hours of the morning. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally.

I don’t know if he finally understood how this all came about, this whole rift, the crashing and burning of our relationship. I think we are trying to build a new foundation, though sometimes I feel like the old one is being defended. Which of course is not necessary. It’s not even the right thing to do.

But yesterday, upon waking, I didn’t know if I could continue. It was just too hard. It shouldn’t be that hard if love is present.

I didn’t try to reach him all morning, I needed a rest from the whole thing. And I was exhausted. In late morning, I got an email from him. I think he’s beginning to realize that when something is written, it is less likely that you run off-track, because this email was a beautiful thing. He soothed my bruised psyche. He reached out.

So, I did some journaling, I read for a while, I did a little bit of housework, I did a complete run through of the sound healing (which was so good for me) and I napped. He and I texted intermittently through out the day. It was peaceful. Even though I am still kind of in the place where I woke up, not knowing if I can stay with it, I see him trying and so, I continue to try. Still, I feel like it just shouldn’t be so hard. I crave the ease that used to define our relationship. I don’t know if we can ever get back there. I am reminded of the scene in Eat Pray Love, where Liz Gilbert says to David, “It’s not that I need easy. I just can’t have it be so hard.”

I can take hard, like illness, like external issues. I can’t take hard interpersonal relationships. Not this hard. I want to not be so tired that I can’t go for a walk, that I don’t want to do anything, or talk to anyone, that I am in my head way too much trying to understand what the hell is happening, and how I ultimately feel about it. I want to be his soft place to land, but I also want him to be that for me.

I am so grateful for my close circle of friends, my tribe as we call ourselves. They have been that soft place for me to land. I’m trying not to lean on them so much now, just trying to figure things out on my own. This is mostly my writers group.

I’m guessing I’ll be alone much of today too, until I get down to the beach and set up the sound healing with my friend Lynn. I asked Dan to join us, but I don’t think he’s going to. He is holding on to resentment that I excluded him at all, and not realizing that in doing so, he’s separating himself now. I invited him back to try to heal the resentments, to move us forward instead of being stuck in that hurtful place. But that’s a realization he needs to make on his own, and that’s what I told him, that it’s completely up to him whether he joins us or not. I know I can do it without him. I have planned until this last week to do this, and I’m ok with it. He can add to it, or not. You never know, he may surprise me and show up.

I also suggested to him that he could go and just be a participant. Lay on the beach and experience it from that side, because he has not done that. It would be good for him, and he could go with two of our good friends who always go. I don’t know if he’s considering that. I hope so.

My morning coffee is getting cold. It’s a chilly 54° outside. Since it’s supposed to get to 75° today, I think I’ll wait to take my walk. Gonna do my best to prepare myself for the sound healing, and hope nothing is able to disrupt that.

Love and light.

Personal Observations

The wind blew hard last night. Over 40 mph. Tornadoes were hanging around. It poured rain, flooded many areas. The moon is almost full, and the storm tide has brought water up into the streets, back up storm sewers, and pushed 10’ seas up on shore. It was a wild night.

But daybreak brings an end to the rain, and a breezy, not blustery, wind. As daylight illuminates, I see a fence down, palm fronds all over but of course not the dead ones I was hoping the wind would prune from one of my palms.

We don’t often get wild weather here in Florida, at least not this time of year. It is basically the same most days, sunny, a few clouds, with temps running from the 60’s to the 70’s, and sometimes a breeze like this morning. Some people would call it boring but I call it wonderful. I know the northeast got a bunch of snow in some places yesterday, and rain now, and it’s cold. So I’ll take my boring Florida sunshine. Meanwhile it was kind of fun having a night of wild weather last night. I’m guessing there are power outages around, and I’d probably not be so glib had I lost power, or had a tree fall on my house.

I was watching the news a little bit, the nightly news. I can’t stomach politics in the morning when I have a whole day in front of me. But now that the drama is over, and what we knew was going to happen sadly for our nation, actually happened, I don’t know if I can watch it at all. I mean seriously, I can’t take watching the child in the WH have another temper tantrum. That he has no humility is one thing. To attack those who could see through him, to the truth, is so inappropriate, to say the least. I expected no less from this sick man. So, I just choose to not watch, not hear. He’s proven who he is, and pretty much anything he has to say now only reinforces the soul-less human that he is. Enough of him. I will just ignore him and allow my life to go on without that injection of hate, anger and utter conscienceless rhetoric of his.

As I write this, the sun has begun to peek out from the clouds. It’s chilly this morning, but no one would call it cold. It looks like FL again. The weather for the sound healing on Sunday looks good. The weather for my son and his family’s trip here next week also looks good. Perhaps Florida spring is starting now. That would be nice.

I’m so pleased that Dan and I are really talking, about what matters to our relationship. It’s been wonderfully cathartic for me, and I believe for him too. We’re going to make our “debut” as a couple back into our own circle of friends tonight when we go to watch our good friends at a local restaurant. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable a few of our friends were when I wouldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t talk to him, especially with other people’s eyes on me. Even though I’d asked them all to please not change their relationships with him, a few did, and I hope our being together will help to heal that. It will never be as it was, neither of us wants to go there. We have been able to clearly talk about what we both want and need, and it isn’t to move back and forth from one house to another again. That happened by default, that we did that. As a consequence, after a time, neither of us was happy. I am writing more, because I am alone most mornings, and I need that time to myself. We have only had a few days of this new communication, so who knows where it will end up, but it is always better to communicate closely than not. We know, and have discussed, that we both care for each other very much. We also recognize that we need time to ourselves, need our own space, and it makes us better together. I have no expectations, want to push nothing. But I still love his big bear hugs.

I think we are building a much more tenable foundation for ourselves, one that can actually support us without sagging floors, and tilted walls. It’s all good.  I also think that as we age, change comes slowly, when you have a lifetime of experience to weigh the change against.

I can prepare for the sound healing with more enthusiasm now. I was and am a little nervous about performing by myself. I have told him he is welcome to join us, since I no longer feel the disconnect I did a month ago. I also said that I wanted the choice to be his, that I didn’t want him doing it because he thought I wanted it. I want him to be happy and comfortable. So far, he has declined until the March full moon. He also knows he can change his mind at any time. My friend who plays with me told me last night she thought she was coming down with something, and I’m afraid she’ll be sick for Sunday’s beach sound healing. (There is a terrible respiratory thing going around. I had it, and many people I know have had it.) I asked Dan if he would help me out if she couldn’t play Sunday,. I can’t do it completely by myself, I don’t think. He said he would. He thought my friend didn’t want him to play with us, and I hope he believed me when I told him that she was not on board with excluding him, but believed it was my call, not hers to make. For me, it was about the energy.  I felt our connection was broken, and that I couldn’t go up in front of all those people and pretend otherwise. I want no insincerity, no negativity, to be in that space. I mean, it’s vibrational healing, there needs to be an honest positive vibe. But now, we wouldn’t have to act, and even though things are not the same, and the outcome is yet unfolding, the energy around us is positive. We’ll see. I am good with whatever happens.

It’s interesting to watch my life’s path unfold. I feel like an observer at times. Following my intuition, and allowing what is, to just be what is.

Love and light to all.

A Shift In The Works

Today will be busy. I start at my friend Lynn’s Tibetan bowl meditation. Then she and I will get some lunch and maybe do a run-through of the sound bath. Then we will go to my Spirit Girls meeting, which is always nice. Lynn asked me afterward to take her to the grocery store because she can’t drive. Of course, I said I would, but it will mean getting home late, probably close to 6. That’s a long day for me. But I’ll enjoy it. I need these things, except the grocery store, lol.

The week has been very much in my heart, and in my head so far. Some things come into focus, and that’s a good thing, to see clearly. But clarity on one thing often leads to the obscurity of another. Like in a movie, when the cameraman focuses on a single point in the picture, The point becomes very clear, but the rest of the picture is blurred.

Slowly more and more pieces come together, but I’m still not sure what the outcome of this particular movie will be. I don’t expect to know.  If I could, I could make a lot of money predicting the future! All we can do is take one minute at a time, one moment, and stay with it. Try to stay in the flow of things. And let be what will be.

My son and his family will be here in a week. I’m very excited. He keeps calling me to tell me which of his favorite foods he wants me to make, or which places he wants to go. I am obviously going to be exhausted when he leaves, but happy. I told him he was only here for 6 days. He said, “Oh I know. I’m just throwing stuff out there as I think of it.” But he knows we can’t do it all, and that I have a budget. I think the highlight will be for him, taking his family over to my sister’s house. She has a beautiful old-style Florida house, with a lagoon type pool hidden in the back yard, and a private apartment for them to stay in. We’re only going for a night, but it will be fun.

I had such a nice visit with my sister the other day when we met for lunch. We sat and talked for 3 hours, about everything under the sun. She worried about taking up a table in this small cafe which was pretty busy because it’s tourist season here and everywhere is busy. But the waitress kept telling us it was ok, she’d let us know if they needed the table. It was good for my soul, I felt reconnected to her. I haven’t been to her house in ages. I’ll sleep in the bed my mother slept in when she lived there. It’s always full of good vibes, lol.

I’m not mentioning Dan on purpose. We are engaged in an ongoing conversation and I have no idea where it will end up. But it’s been good to be able to have this conversation, this close communication. So, I’m just going with the flow on it, and let happen what will. Just holding things close to my heart right now.

There’s a lot going on at the moment. I can feel an energy shift for sure. It seems like a good one, a positive shift. The focus becomes a little clearer all the time.

Love and light to all.