Have Mercy on Those…..And Me…

Yesterday my friend and I went to the beach, finally. We had lunch at a restaurant/bar on Treasure Island where the tables are in the sand, and the overhead is strung with fishing line to keep the seagulls away. Then we got a couple chaise lounges down by the water, and just sat and listened and soaked up the hazy sun for an hour. We stuck our feet in the water, which was cold, probably around 61°. It was lovely.

When we got home again, she taught me how to make homemade biscotti. We made triple ginger and then cranberry pistachio. They are easy and so good!! Then we went out to dinner at an outdoor venue where 2 of my best friends were playing. We got a salad and a pizza. A bunch of the members of my tribe was around. We were all sitting in the same corner up by the band. Two of them came over to tell me that Dan was there, and had forgotten his wallet so went home to get it. It’s 10 miles each way for him, but very typical of something he’d do.

Whatever, when he got back for the last 15 min, he sat at the table next to mine. I guess I never realized how loud he talks, and how he dominates the conversation. Which is probably ok in a different situation, but not when people are performing right in front of him.

Then he called my name and thanked me for sending a letter from DMV about his truck insurance which had come to my house. He had had to do this in front of everyone, loudly of course. I don’t want to see him, but can’t help but run into him since we are really part of the same circle of friends. But I certainly don’t want to talk to him, and to me, it was clearly a bid by him to have everyone see how nice he was being to me. He needed the audience, but I didn’t appreciate it. I sent him a text and asked him to speak to me privately in the future if there’s something he wants to say. I didn’t appreciate having to respond to him, with all eyes on me. Of course, I just said “you’re welcome,” and walked away. He could have sent a text, he could have called, he could have said it to me when he was sitting almost back to back with me at the two tables. But he needed to act, to put on his show.

I suppose that seems picky, but I am still very hurt by what he did when he ended this relationship, and the way he did it. I still feel blindsided to find out he’s not who I thought he was, that he was doing an Oscar-winning job of acting. So little things like making me talk to him in front of people really upset me.

He answered my text back, “wow”. Whatever. His typical non-empathetic response. Just leave me alone. The whole thing gave me a bad night’s sleep, fitful, waking a lot. So I am totally ready for a night at home.

So my friend is headed back to the Adirondacks today. She may have a two day trip of it, since it will be snowing up there tonight. She may stay at the hotel near the airport she flies into, and try getting the last two hours of driving in the tomorrow. Better in the day, even if it’s snowing, than to drive 2 hours, later at night, in heavy snow.

I don’t miss snow, that’s for sure.

Tonight I’ll have my house back to myself, and will take a rest, and watch some TV, maybe read, maybe write.

I’m going to leave you with an old favorite songs, Phoebe Snow singing Have Mercy on Those. The lyrics fit just about anyone I was ever involved with. Love and light.

Winding Up the Week

I’ve had a lot of company this week. I was kind of dreading it, but it’s been easier than I expected. I’ve been sleeping 7-8 hours a night on average, without any aids such as a couple medicinal hits of pot, or an Ambien. That’s awesome for me. It’s where I want to be. I think I’m able to sleep because I am grounded, I have accepted what is, and I can look at the past without regret, but without longing either.

It’s pleasant.

Yesterday we went to the Sunken Gardens in St. Petersburg. They were created in a sinkhole 100 years ago, and are just beautiful. I’ve been before, and wanted to take my friends who is a consummate gardener. She really enjoyed it. Then we went to Trader Joes, which is up the street from there a few blocks, just because she had never been. I didn’t think I needed anything, but spent $33 anyway, lol.

We came home, each of us took a short nap, and then made dinner of some meatballs I had in the freezer, fresh raviolis, and a salad. We headed for open mic. My friend was a music teacher for 35 years up in the Adirondacks, and still leads chorales, etc. She really enjoyed the open mic because the people who perform are really good musicians and there is a huge genre of music played for the 3 hours. She met a few more of my friends, two of which were having their birthdays and people had brought cake, which was really good. We all sang happy birthday to the accompaniament of cajun music by the Gulfport Swamp Opera. It was so much fun! We hadn’t really expected to stay the whole 3 hours, but ended up doing it anyway.

So it was a really fun day, and I know we both enjoyed it. Tonight, her last night, two of my friends are playing at a local restaurant in an outdoor venue, so we are going, and get a pizza or something and watch them. Dan may show at this venue, because he’s friends with them, and enjoys their music. But I’m fine with that, as long as he’s not sitting at my table. I still have some anger mixed with the feeling that this has been coming on a long time, and he wasn’t honest about it. But whatever, I’m getting past it and am beginning to see how different we are, and how it never would have worked anyway.

Pretty soon (tomorrow afternoon) I will have my house back to myself. I have some things I need to do, like mow the lawn, and practice my new soundbath experience. The weather seems to be returning to normal Florida January weather in the 60’s and 70’s. It’s lovely. As my friend said, “Wow, it’s so nice to walk outside at night and it’s not freezing…..”

All is well in paradise, lol. Hope all is well with all of you. Love and light.

Update

The mini-reunion of old friends is winding down. At one point, on Monday night, there were 5 of us sleeping here in my tiny house. Funny how when we did this 3 years ago, my friends stayed up late, ’til 3 AM, talking. This time we were all asleep by midnight. The friend who’s staying all week is more on my schedule of going to bed around 10:30 and up around 6:30, so that works well.

I’ve been surprised how well I’ve been sleeping with all these people in the house. Perhaps I’m just exhausted because I’ve been going going going every day since last Thurs. I am usually out one or two nights a week, until 9 or so. Never late. Almost always it’s to go see friends playing music. I’m happy I’m sleeping. There’s something comforting having people here who have known me and each other our whole lives. No one is acting, no one is putting on a show. We can all just be ourselves and know we are accepted. It’s nice after being blindsided by someone who can act, but not feel.

It’s been pretty cold here on the west coast of Florida for a few days. Like highs in the 50’s, and Wednesday morning woke up to a temp near freezing, 36°. And windy. We actually had a wind chill, instead of our usual heat index. But today it’s going back up to the 70’s, so I’m happy my friend will get a day or two of more typical weather. We were going to go over to the barrier beaches last night so she could see a Gulf sunset but it was just too cold out. So we went out to Dunkin, and got some ice cream at the Baskin-Robbins attached to it.

Today I think we’re going to the Sunken Gardens in St. Pete, and then maybe across the street to Trader Joes. My friend has never been there. She lives in the Adirondacks of NY, in a town with a year-round population of less than 100. No TJ”s there, lol. And tonight, I’ll take her to open mic for a bit. The friend who plays Tibetan bowls at the sound healing had her birthday yesterday, so they will have a cake, etc., tonight at open mic for her. And it’s also the bass player’s (with the house band) birthday, so his name will be on the cake too. It will be fun. We have some plans for tomorrow, her last full day here too. I will honestly need a rest when everyone is gone.

I’m hoping Dan doesn’t show up at any of the venues tonight or tomorrow. I’m guessing tomorrow’s he may show though. I have done my best to make sure everyone knew I didn’t want anyone to feel that they had to choose between us, that I can be in the same place as him, and ok with it, as long as he leaves me alone, which he will. But still, it’s easier for me not to see him at all. I sent him a text a couple days ago, asking him to pay his portion of the phone bill, and to get his phone off of my bill by the end of the billing cycle. He sent me the money but no word about him getting off the bill and switching to his own account. I also asked him to let me know his plans for getting the boat back on the trailer correctly. He said he had no plans, but maybe we’d talk about it this week. I’m not looking forward to that, but it has to be. We need to get this boat sold, and out of my yard.

I am enjoying being alone, not having to listen to constant complaining which came on so slowly that I didn’t realize it was happening until it stopped, and I had peace and quiet and was able to feel happy, even joyful, and certainly grateful, about life, without the innuendo that I was naive, or whatever it was. When he tired of acting with me, the real him came out. The one who’s never been happy in his life (so he says). I’m thinking that’s where his thought process goes, and he manifests what he thinks about. I feel for him, to have nothing in his life that makes him joyful. Even his grandsons he wants to get away from after a few days. Sad. Really sad.

Well, my friend is up now, and we’re watching the sunrise out my kitchen window. Joy. The world is a beautiful place, and I’m feeling grateful I can enjoy it.

Love and light to all.

Friends Are Trickling Into Town

I’ll be off in a little while to pick up one of my oldest friends at the airport. We were 13 when we became friends, so that’s what, 55 years ago. A few more of our small circle are joining us Monday. It will be so good to see them. It’s perfect timing for me. It will help smooth the transition from being part of a couple, to single just because we all support each other and we have so much fun.

It’s nice to feel that kind of freedom again. I felt it for a long time with Dan, but for 6-8 months it has become a heavier and heavier burden, for both of us, I think. After the infatuation wears off, as it so often does, we weren’t that right for each other. We differed on so much. I hope he is happy. I know I am.

Once we get the loose ends resolved, we’ll both be able to put it behind us. Really the only loose end is the boat in front of my house. Need it sold, gone. The money straightened out as best it can be. Then the break will be clean, no hanging threads.

But for the moment, I don’t even care about that. I care that I have a few days coming up of people I love and who love me, a tight circle of friends that we have created. We have a busy schedule, but a fun one.

Probably won’t be writing too much this week with all the people in my house, lol. And one bathroom….I say, hey, at least there’s one!

Life is good all. I’ll check in when I can. Love and light.

Blessings Abounding

Blessings abound.

1. Reconnecting with an old and wonderful friend. In fact, a few of them! All the way from middle school (what we called then Jr. high school), to CT, 55 years of friendships. Then here, making new friends, close friends. Solidifying friendships that I’ve neglected.

2. Having many people urge me to do the sound healing on the beach alone, with only 1 gong. Urging me strongly, and they are people I don’t even know, but who went to the last one and fell in love with the practice of vibrational meditation/healing.

3. Having a friend who is willing to pick up some of the slack left by Dan’s leaving the sound healing. Without her, I don’t know if I could do it by myself.

4. The sun is pouring through my kitchen window, lighting up the day, with another beautiful day. I guess it’s supposed to cool off considerably next week for a few days, but while it’s here, this weather is so awesome.

5. My son and his family coming to visit. He’s young enough so he doesn’t realize how short 6 days are, lol, but it will be wonderful anyway. Love that kid so much.

There are so many more, but these are the few that are on my mind this morning. Counting my blessings, feeling grateful.

Love and light.