Nothing To Say? Not Quite….

I don’t have anything to say today. At least nothing profound, nothing that I am exploring in myself. But we’ll see how this writing turns out. Sometimes I have more to say than I think.

I had a busy day yesterday. I walked for a mile in the morning, then went to chair yoga. In between, I put coconut oil in my hair for 20 min while I meditated, because it seems to be breaking off. I think the cause is my RA medication, which is really a type of chemotherapy. It seemed to be a lot softer after I washed it, so I’ll try it a few more times. It can’t hurt, can it?

After chair yoga, I stopped by the senior center in town, to borrow a stapler. I was sending in my passport renewal, and the picture has to be stapled to the middle of a page. My stapler at the house is about 2” long, maybe 3”, but certainly not long enough to get to the middle of the page. Then I went to the post office, which is inside a souvenir shop in town. And while I was there I got them to put up a poster for our next sound healing. I went a couple doors down to my friend’s shop and she put one up also. As did the senior center.

Then I came home, had lunch, and then decided to go to the store to see if they had a decent melon. I love a cup of fruit in the morning but it’s not the season for good fruit yet. However, I got a small watermelon, and brought it home, and cut it up. It was just ok. Then I made some tuna salad and pulled some meatballs out of the freezer. Packed some of the watermelon, the tuna, and the meatballs in a bag and took the 10 miles to Dan’s house, where he is still trying to lose this cold or flu bug. I wanted to make sure he got at least one decent meal in him for the day. I ate with him, but came home early, before the sunset, because I really hate driving on the highway at night with my cataracts.

I watched The Voice, and found myself so tired, I was glad when it was over so I could go to bed. I fell asleep in a matter of minutes. However, I was awakened at about 1 AM by the sound of something scraping on the floor, under my night table. I knew immediately that it was a mouse, I have bait stations there. I made a loud thump on the nightstand, thereby knocking my phone, which was plugged into the charger, on the floor. The scraping stopped, I assume the mouse took off for safer ground. I don’t know why they like the far corner of my bedroom, there’s nothing to eat there, and never has been. Except for the poison in the trap.

I guess I’ve neglected to report that I caught a mouse in a trap the other day, it was caught by the leg. I felt awful, yet, I was unable to do anything (because I was terrified of the mouse) but sweep it out of the house, trap and all. It was fat, like it was pregnant. So after about an hour I started feeling really guilty that it was stuck there in a trap and still alive, so I went outside, intending to open the trap and release it, so it had half a chance to run (though I’m sure one leg was broken). But in that hour it disappeared, trap and all. So, I don’t know if it dragged the trap somewhere, or if some other animal got him.

So, my guilt remains, though it’s not obsessing me. But now I realize that it was not a lone mouse, that there are others. So this morning, I am headed to the hardware store to get a few more traps, not just the bait stations. Those (the bait stations) seem to work well on the fruit rats because they don’t stay in the house. But I think the mice set up housekeeping in the walls, so I need to get some traps. I know I should use humane traps, but I am very afraid that they’ll just run right back in the hole in my 100 year old house that they originally came in. And I can only dedicate so much funding to the traps anyway.

AARRGGHH. The joys of owning this old house.

Today my BFF is coming over in the afternoon. We do this every few weeks. She has been in a play for the last 2 months, 6 shows a week. It ended Sunday. She says it’s her last one. She’s a fabulous actor, and we all hate to see her stop, but the thing is, there are 2 months of rehearsals every night, and 2 months of shows, and she’s 72, and just sick of making that kind of commitment to it. She says all she wants to do is drink coffee and read, and go to our writer’s group meetings, lol. I think she will include a glass of wine or two in that. Dan wanted to know what we do, and I told him we just talk, non-judgmentally, just catch up with each other. We just enjoy each other’s company. Which we do, we laugh a lot, we know we can confide safely in each other. I’ll enjoy that today. It’s nice enough to sit out on the deck for the afternoon.

I told Dan we are “non-judgmental” because he is very much judgmental, and it makes me a little crazy. I often wish I could get him to listen and/or read some of the spiritual stuff I have, but he’s too fearful (which causes him to become opinionated about it) to do it. Just when I think he is getting closer to being willing to see things differently, I find myself in a deep conversation with him, and discover he still just can’t go there. I keep hoping that he will learn by my example, but I think he just thinks I’m naive. It’s too bad. It will always be a problem for us. But it is what it is. I often enjoy his company, but I enjoy it more when I’m not exposed to it 24/7. Still don’t know where this is going to end up. I love him, at least, many things about him. Just feel like the level of our relationship is not sustainable over the long haul. I would like it if it was. Maybe he’ll prove me wrong. And maybe all I really want is companionship. That’s quite possible too. Anyway, I am accepting it as it is, and not trying to make something else out of it.

Well, for someone with nothing to say, I managed to write quite a bit! I hope everyone has a wonderful day. Love and light to all of you.

Returning to My Path

I noticed this morning that my Facebook feed is more and more primarily from sites that are spiritual. I still get some political stuff, because I have in the past shared quite a bit of it. And funny stuff. Who doesn’t love to laugh? So, this morning I am thinking that the feed is kind of showing me where my head has been lately.

Since I am usually getting up alone these days, I have a chance every morning to attend to what’s important to me. Writing, meditating, reading. Politics is important to me because this country has become so divided, so many groups are so hateful, love hasn’t been mentioned since Marianne Williamson dropped out of the race. I have my opinions, and I will express them at the polls, but I’m consciously making an effort to keep the controversial feed off of my page. I read enough news and watch it occasionally. I want to be up to speed about what’s happening in the world, but it is not what matters most to me.

Obviously, my spiritual practice is extremely important to me, and as I have more time alone to consider what I am doing, and thinking, I am finding the time, and inclination to live more authentically. I signed up for a course on Commune.com ( onecommune.com) given by Marianne Williamson on Relationships. It was free for a week and was a 7 part, 7-day course. They have many courses by some great teachers, none greater than she. As you might expect, she teaches everything from the perspective of A Course in Miracles. Her insights are invaluable. Her ability to explain from the most simple relationship concept to the more difficult ones is immeasurable. Listening to her I find myself having to pause and absorb what she just said. Not because it’s hard, but because it is so profound, and often something I knew but didn’t know I knew. If you go to the site they will send you an email when they have something to offer. They don’t spam your mailbox on a regular basis, just let you know if they have something coming up you might be interested in.

Anyway, the 7-day course was very timely for me. It helped me so much in not only my relationship with Dan but with some friends and some family. I remembered that it only takes a willingness to learn, a willingness to listen to a different way, for the Universe to help you find what you need. It’s no longer free, now it costs $50. There are others on the site, as well as a community that offers discussion, and help. It’s not the first course I’ve taken there, but one of the best.

As long as I’m talking about courses, I should mention the site Udemy. They have 1000’s of courses on many many things, not even most of them are of a spiritual bent. They are very reasonable, and often put a group of them on a sale for $10-$15. I’ve taken sound healing classes to learn more about my craft, reiki classes to refresh my knowledge, and expand it. I actually liked the reiki courses better than the in-person ones I’ve taken, because there was too much social stuff going on in the live classroom. The sound healing courses helped me to find what I thought was the best way to present it to people down here in Florida as well as learn how to incorporate different instruments into a cohesive flow.  Because of the retired population in this particular location, I found that doing sound healing as I experienced it for so many years is not necessarily the best way down here. Doing it for free at the beach really works for me here for the time being. We’ve had between 25-40 people at each one we’ve done, and people really seem to love it. I don’t mind doing it for free, because it expands the community that can experience it. And really, that’s the most important thing to me, is to be able to offer that experience to others.

But back to my FB feed. I guess that the algorithm is reflecting what’s become important to me again. And, really, I’m happy that I am regaining a path I kind of disregarded for too long. My spiritual practice is what can guide me throughout the day. It’s kind of rejuvenating, really. I’m grateful to find these things that can help me to be more mindful of what I say, and do.

Love and light, everyone.

Mindfully Redefining

Friends ask if Dan and I are back together. We’ve been spotted around town together. I say we are “redefining” our relationship. But what does that really mean?

It means we no longer live together, at two houses. That was a real pain. And led to both of us not getting stuff done at our own houses. We kind of fell into that rhythm after we met, but it wasn’t tenable for the long term.

It means, no demands on each other, and no expectations. So when we are together it’s because we both chose to be. That alone makes us much gentler with each other, and more caring, because neither of us feels obligated, nor feel the other person is only with us because they feel obligated. It means breathing easier, no matter what choice we each make.

It means that even though there are still many issues to be worked out, there is no timetable, there is no pushing or pulling. I recognize that he and I will never see some things the same, but not being together 24/7 allows me to get distance from them. Distance gives me, and him I’m sure, the ability to look at the issue to determine if the issue is a big deal or not. Usually, it’s not.

It means that if it is a big deal, we are trying to learn to communicate with each other. I am better at that than he. I would guess that all the writing I do helps me to express myself, and not be afraid to express myself. I’m trying to show him that differences don’t necessarily have to end in argument. That discussion, rather than arguing, lends itself to greater understanding. That’s a work in progress, but I feel a slight bit of forward movement.

It means that I no longer make all the decisions about what we’re going to do, where we’re going to go, etc. He always deferred to me. I got sick of it. Now, I give him the choice and I am truly good with whatever he chooses. This is because I really want him to take the time to figure out what he really wants to do, not what he thinks I want to do. I’m an Aries, lol. Very assertive, and I also know myself pretty well. But I’m also a 3 numerologically, so I will always let the positive usurp the negative while meeting life head-on. My 3-ness tones down my Aries-ness. If that’s possible. If I try to influence him in anyway, it’s to help him see the good in almost everything.

Redefining a relationship is a work in progress. When we first talked, and thought we’d still like to spend time together, I told him, “I feel like we’ve crashed and burned, so that now, we have a chance to rebuild from the foundation up.” He agreed, and also told me that he never stopped loving me. Which was sweet, but I’m not even sure we have the same definition of that. But that’s ok too, we may come to common ground on the definition of love too.

So, here I sit this morning, at my kitchen table, alone, sunlight pouring in my kitchen window, writing, finishing my coffee, and quite content. This is the time of day when I can look at things and evaluate myself. I can figure out how I want to spend my day, and begin doing it. I know he and I will talk today, but since we spent a good part of yesterday together, I would guess we will both stay home today. When we first met, all I wanted was someone whose company I enjoyed and could spend 2-3 days a week with. And now, 3 years later, that’s what I have, I think. I have no expectation that it’s forever, but it might be. I don’t want to go past the next sound healing date, lol. That’s in just over 2 weeks. Mindfully redefining, and staying in the moment.

Love and light to everyone.

Mending Hearts

kintsukuroi heart

Words spoken
In anger and in pain
Shouldn’t carry the same weight
As words spoken in love and truth.

Should they?

Can the angry words be weighed
Against history and past actions?
If they were an anomaly
Can you let it go?

Or do you need to hold on to them forever?

If past actions were hurtful
Is it possible to forgive them
When the hurt that was caused
is over, and gone?

Soothed by understanding.

If love is pervasive now
Then why require past perfection.
None of us are, none of us were.
But love is.

Perfect.

Hearts can be broken
Hearts can be mended.
Like kintsukuroi
Perhaps hearts are more beautiful

When mended with love’s gold filaments.

 

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

Son’s Visit Comes To An End

My son and his family go home today. God, I will miss him. And them. We had so much fun. Ate out a lot, went to the beach quite a bit, went to my sister’s house for a couple of days. The weather couldn’t have been more perfect. The kids thought they were in paradise. And they were.

Mostly I loved getting to know my son’s girlfriend and her daughter. Her daughter calls me Gramma Deb and told me I was the best grandma. I think that is because she only has me and her mother’s mother, who is not well with early-onset Alzheimers. I forgot how exhausting kids can be, but she is such a good little girl (she’s 7). She finds her own stuff to do and keeps herself occupied. She loved playing all my musical instruments: the gong, the bowls, the keyboard, the drums.

She is so sweet, such a loving child. Always laughing, never mean. I adore her. I’m hoping my health remains good enough that when she is old enough to fly here by herself, she can come in the summer to visit.

Anyway, the visit was all I hoped it would be and more. I watch my son parent this little girl and I’m so proud of him. So proud of the loving caring and smart way he takes care of her. I know he is determined to be the father he didn’t have. He also treats his girlfriend wonderfully, and that makes me very happy too. And me, he treats me like a loving son, helps out in the kitchen, picks up after himself and his daughter, doesn’t complain about stuff. It’s a pleasure to be around him.

I will miss them. I feel very blessed to have these awesome people in my life, as my family.

So, I’m back, I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to say in the next few days. But I’m one happy lady, and one sad one too, to have to take them to the airport and say goodbye. I’ll be going out to Denver sometime this summer, which will be fun.

Life is good. Love and light to all.

A Family Visit

My son, his girlfriend and her daughter are here visiting. They got in yesterday afternoon. It’s so wonderful to have them here! I’m really excited to have them and spend some time really getting to know the gf and her daughter. We were together last summer, but the visit was short, and I didn’t stay with them. Her daughter calls me Gramma Deb. And she told me I was the BEST gramma, lol. She’s 7. I showed her how to tap the gong, and make the bowls sing, let her bang the drum, and make the thunder drum thunder, and she spent a lot of time playing them! Maybe a girl after my own heart. I really love this little girl!

I took them to open mic for some very casual good seafood. It was really good and fun. A bunch of my tribe was there and got to meet them. Ellena, the 7-year-old, was dancing to the music. It was so cute! She said next year she’s going to sing, lol. She said she’ll practice all year. She spent the afternoon chasing geckos around my deck, trying to catch one. She named the small ones “Flash” which I thought was so cute!

Today will be a quick run to get some bathing suits since it was apparently difficult to find one in Denver this time of year.  Then we can hit the beach this weekend.

Anyway, I don’t expect to be around much for the next few days, as we have a lot planned. I expect to be completely worn out when they leave. Happily.

Hope you all have as nice a Valentines Day as I’m about to have. Love and light to all.

Another Sound Healing and Some Thoughts

Last night we had our February full moon sound healing at the beach. We had a good turnout, at least 30 people came and either sat or lay on the beach. The sun was setting, another gorgeous Gulf sunset, as we began playing. I was sad that we didn’t get any pictures of that sunset, because it set after we began playing. I think we have to move the time up from 6 to 6:30. The supermoon was up by the time we were done, and it was so amazing.

I thought the playing went well. Dan decided at the last minute (yesterday around noon) to bring down his gong and join us. I was fine that he joined us, and would have been fine if he didn’t. I wish he would have decided earlier so we could have practiced together, because I don’t think he had a good feel for what I wanted to do there last night, of the new sounds I was wanting to make. I tried to explain it to him before we went, but I kept having to tell him during the actual healing. It kind of makes it harder when I have to pay close attention to what he’s doing instead of him just figuring it out. I know it sounds like I’m being critical, but his intuition in this type of thing is not really good, and it IS my thing, I’m the only one that knows what the outcome is that I want to achieve. Lynn, my friend on bowls, does, because we practice together and talk about it and we are like minded. So I somehow have to get better communication with Dan about it. If that’s possible. IDK.

We are talking on a regular basis but I don’t really feel the closeness I did, with the end result being I am right now kind of wondering where this is going. Kind of feeling in limbo at the moment. Like I’m standing in a circle of possibilities, some really awesome and some that I don’t like at all. I guess time will tell.

And then, we have to deal with this stupid boat, so I am loathe to change anything right now, because we have to do that and I don’t want to add stress back into our relationship.

However, all of that is kind of in the back of my head, because in the front is that my son and his family are coming in a few days, and we have plans for every day. It will be so wonderful. I’m taking them out for dinner at my favorite restaurant on Valentines Day, and up to Open Mic that I go to every week the night before which is the day they get here, for food and to meet all my friends. We’re going over to my sisters on the island for a couple days, too, and of course to the beaches here. Then one day is his girlfriend’s birthday too. Lots of stuff to do. I asked Dan to join us for the Valentines Day dinner but he seems to be very ambivalent about it. Whatever, I know I’ll enjoy it and so will my son and his family.

Lots to do so time to get going. Love and light, all.