I’m unsettled this morning, though I don’t know why. I’m irritated I broke my tail light lense on something I couldn’t even see in an unlit parking lot. Backing up and turning. This morning it’s raining so I’ll have to tape it up with plastic to keep the rain out ofit. Grr.
I haven’t talked to my bff about her plan to put together some program that will benefit seniors, so I need to do that today. I know that will help me move forward more than anything.
Last night the book club talked about why people who lie, and take, and deceive do it. We all had someone in our lives that have done that. Was it for the thrill, for getting away with it? Was it for the power, to feel “in control” of things? I said, I really believe in Marianne Williamson’s and A Course in Miracles stand, that what is not love is fear. And fear gives the ego rise. The ego will convince someone who has doubt, that they are not worthy. That the only way they can have people in their life is to manipulate them in, to lie to them. The belief that you are not worthy of love and belonging, causes shame, it causes the belief that you are not worthy.
And shame…. is the most destructive of all human emotions. Guilt can be productive, guilt says, “What I did was bad.” Shame says, “I am bad.”
Those that purport to wish to be alone, like my ex-husband, really only believe they are not worthy of love, and are alone to hide their shame. Better he should be alone, I guess, than trying to do to someone else what he did to me. But the best outcome, would be if he could recognize his own worth, the beauty of his own soul, and let it shine.
S said to me, when he was trying to get me to help him with Betty, “I know I will pay 5 lifetimes for what I did to you.” He doesn’t understand that at any point, even now, he can choose to change, he can own, and apologize and try to make right, and thus learn the lesson that he obviously missed. Karma isn’t about paying. It’s about learning the lesson, and if you don’t, you will repeat it, until you do. The same situations will appear and reappear until you learn the lesson.
S was so similar to my ex, I believe that he showed up in my life to finish teaching the lesson that my ex started. I hope I’ve learned the whole lesson now.
I think the first part, with my ex, was the power of unconditional love manifested in setting my son free. The second part was to love yourself with that love, enough to learn not to give yourself away, to make a person earn the trust. To honor yourself, first, always.
I hope I’m done with this lesson, and with men who can’t love.
The lesson, whatever it may be…..while hard to learn, is such a beautiful thing, and life can change so dramatically when you learn to honor and love yourself, and let that spread to others.
Shame is not necessary. We all do better when we know better, that’s called evolving. Guilt, for something you have done wrong, is a message from your soul, telling you to change.
One day at work, someone asked me a to do something that clearly was their job, and clearly not mine, and I was already overwhelmed with the work I had to do. I very unkindly told this person that it was their job to do, and not to get me involved, etc. etc. Making them feel stupid, I’m sure. Even though I was right, I was cruel. I hung up the phone, (I was in a different part of the building) and within less than a minute realized what I’d done.
I called this person back, and said, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to be such a bitch.
Guilt….made me see what I did to her. Not shame, I didn’t feel shame that I did it, I felt guilt. And the guilt drove me to fix it. My co-worker and I laughed about it later.
I believe the only way to get rid of shame, is to stop listening to the ego tell you you are not worthy, and begin to reconnect with your soul, your true spirit, which in all of us, is connected to the one great thing. Love. Begin that journey, and watch your life change.
Guess I’m feeling philosophical this morning, lol. Book club is good for me.