Haiku No. 284: Echoes in the House

two empty chairs

The house is silent,

Save the echoes of your words.

Do they matter now?

By Deborah E. Dayen

Image from Google Images

 

Foolishness

To love beyond reason
Is kind of foolish,
She thought.
Though she had loved him like that
Forever.

There was no gain
Ever, in loving him,
Except
The joy that comes from having
A heart that’s full.

There was some game
To be played
But she could never
Understand the rules.
She never played it right.

She wasn’t a player
She was a lover.
Waiting
For a sign
That the game had ended.

But he disappeared.
His disappearance filled the void
Where once he lay
Beside her.
Now she wondered if he was real.

Were they, he and she, real
In the time-outs between rounds,
When playing stopped momentarily?
What was there?
Nothing? Or something?

There were times she grew weary
Of the game.
Times she said,
Go. I can’t play this game
Anymore.

Her heart aches still.
She waits for answers
As yet unspoken.
So she moves on,
And tries to love again.

Why Is It So Hard

 

Why is it so hard
to say, “I fucked you over”?
How do you even know
Who you are
If you can’t own it?

Is it worth losing people?
People who loved you?
A son, a lover
Because the shame is so strong
For what?

Hold onto that shame
And lose everyone who ever loved you.
Lose everything that ever meant anything.
Because you can’t stand the shame
so you lie, you steal
You rewrite history
To avoid feeling the shame.

Your son has no father
Your wife has no husband
You have your pet shame
You hide it in the closet,
But with every word you say
The closet door cracks open
And the shame creeps out and
Stinks up your world.

Would that you could own it.
And we could embrace you
And tell you we are ok.
And tell you we loved you anyway
And that shame is no friend.

Lies, fear, shame,
Causing so many people so much pain.
Why? Because you can’t own it.
So no one ever trusts you.
No one ever knows you.
Not me, not her, not him.
So you walk through this world alone.
Your whole life
Miserable, unhappy.
Believing shame, when it tells you
You don’t belong
and you don’t deserve love.

If you only knew
If you only could see
How simple it is to leave it.

Let it go, own it
Send it to the universe
To atone.
Join life again.

Life Without My Stuff

(I had such a hard time titling this post.  I kept wanting to call it Breaking My Life Into Pieces but thought that sounded too much like a sad love affair, and I’ve surely written enough of those, lol.  Athough the emotion is not dissimilar, strangely.  Big change comes hard, most times, whether it’s a love affair, your kid moving out, or you moving away.  There is always some degree of loss, and some degree of gain.)

The people who bought my deck furniture two weeks ago finally came back and got it last night. The wife is very excited to have it, which makes me feel good. But now, I can’t sit outside in the morning and write and have my coffee and listen to the birds and feel the cool morning air because there is no place to sit. I can’t even take a chair from my kitchen table out because I sold the kitchen table.

It feels like watching my life get broken into pieces and sold off, or given away. I was able to schedule the Salvation Army to come pick up my son’s couches on Sept 12. I’ll give them a bunch of other stuff that I have that’s in decent shape. I have to call a guy whose name a friend gave me, to take a bunch of stuff to the dump for me. I have a large collection of half burned candles I want to give away….Good Yankee candles for the most part. But I think I’ll have to throw them out.

I never thought I was attached to things. Really. My ex is attached to things, he can’t let go of anything even when it drags him under. I’m not attached like that, I can divest myself of what I don’t want to take with me, but it is harder than I expected to walk through my house without all the stuff that is normally there, just part of my life. I am a bit shaken by it.

I’ll be glad in a few weeks, when I can start putting it back in a place I want it, in Florida. When I can again have my house with my stuff, and feel like, yeah, it’s my house when I come through the door. Right now, even my bedroom is beginning to look strange to me. The nightstands almost cleared off, the closet with nothing in it except shoes, and my summer clothes. Drawers have been emptied out.

I’m making lists of what has to be done yet. Call the insurance co, call the utilities, call the cable company, call the garbage pick up. I wish honestly I’d quit working last Friday. I just have so much to do before I take off for Denver.

Which is another stressor altogether. I should be down about 10 lbs by the time this is over. I know my friend, my bff, is planning a goodbye party of some kind when I get back from Denver. She invited me to dinner the 9th. But I KNOW her. Besides her nephew said to me last time I saw him, “Well, we are having that party for you anyway, right?” LOL. Gave it away, lol. But I’m not telling her, I will fake it and be surprised. That will be nice, really, to see everyone one last time before I go.

I’m sure my blogs are getting kind of boring, just about the stress, and the angst, and things I have to do to accomplish this. Let me say it is WAY more stress than leaving my ex-husband was. For one thing, I was running full-tilt boogie from a life that was killing me, literally. I couldn’t wait to get out of the pressure-cooker of that house, away from him and his lying power trip. I couldn’t wait to live somewhere where I could wake up and everything was the same as when I went to bed. I didn’t take much with me, and I was going a mile and a half away.

This move…the life I have here is wonderful, and I don’t particularly want to leave it. I just want to stop working and I can’t, and live here. And I am sick to death of winter. It’s so difficult when you are on your own, and have to deal with all the snow, and cold and heating bills by yourself. I’m sick of driving to work and/or home in snow, shoveling my car off, getting snow in my shoes, when I leave work. But mostly sick of having to go to work anyway, lol.

My life….I’m just blessed. My son and I are happy sharing the same space while we both have our own lives. I have a ton of friends, so I’m not usually alone unless I choose to be. But I can’t keep this house if I don’t work, and I don’t want to work, so off I go to my mortgage free bungalow in Florida. It will all be good, but the transition is difficult, really difficult.

Time to get this day underway. Love and light, all.

Thoughts on Healing

Healing

I’ve had a lot of thoughts about healing in the last 24 hours. This is just me, working out my thoughts.

In the circles I run in, “emotional healing” is a big deal.  It is what we are always doing.  Sometimes with a narrow focus, like trying to get over a failed love affair, or the loss of someone close to us.  Often though, to heal from these things, we find out we have to dig deeper.  Sometimes the healing is very broad, it encompasses all of our pain, and comes down to the base idea that we have decided we are separate from the one great thing. That concept, that idea in itself, is faulty and will lead to all kinds of emotional angst.

In my case, it is easy to understand why I grieve and and have healing to do from the loss of the people and animals I have loved, who have moved on to the next level.  The healing there is just really adjusting to life without them, but knowing they are in truly a better place, and haven’t really left us.

Getting over a love that didn’t work out makes me go deeper, and ask questions.

Why was I so attracted to this person?  Why did I ignore the red flags?  Why did I allow him to treat me so badly?  (And by allow, I mean, stick around continually after he did it?) Why did I think so little of myself?  And, finally….what did I learn?

These same questions can be asked in a million different situations, which have made us unhappy.

I really believe that our soul’s purpose in this life, (which makes it our purpose….our only real purpose) is to learn the karmic lessons we have agreed to learn, so that our souls can evolve. I believe that this is the definition of karma….that if we don’t learn these lessons they will keep repeating until we do. That can become, what goes around comes around. But I don’t believe karma is about paying for it if you do something which harms yourself or someone else. That just perpetuates a negative cycle. I think it’s more about learning, and evolving. I think if you learn the lesson and truly change your path, then the lesson is learned, and won’t come around to bite you. The payback, if there is any, is the pain you feel when you truly understand the damage you did and truly feel remorse over it. Empathy, to understand how another feels. The pain you feel, if you are truly changing and learning and evolving, will cause you to do all you can to repair the damage done by your false ego.

The three R’s…recognition, remorse, repair.

The universe, the great consciousness of which we are all part, is unconditional love. Unconditional…..meaning, you don’t have to do anything except exist to have it.  It is not earned, or given, and can’t be taken away.  Unconditional.  That one great thing, wants you to remember you are part of it, and that we are all so connected. That if you hurt, I hurt. If you hurt someone, you hurt everyone. If you love someone, truly unconditional love, not selfish ego-boosting pretend love…then everyone benefits from the extension of that love.

(If this sounds like lessons from A Course in Miracles, it probably is, lol.)

S has said to me a few times since the truth became known, “I know I’m going to pay 5 lifetimes for what I did to you.” (I’m using this as an example only, not to be talking about him. It’s just such a clear illustration of the kind of faulty thinking that separates.) But he didn’t change, he kept doing it, or attempting to, until she and I put a stop to it. Even though he’s not doing it now, as far as I know, he has not been able to feel empathy for what he did to she and I, he has not repaired the damage, at least not with me.  He has run from the implications.  He left it, with the lies that were exposed, acknowledged.  But there were more in the works. Lies about the things that can’t be proved, but are known.  About feelings, and motivations.  I believe it’s just a matter of time until his ego forces him back into the same lesson, over again. Not to be berating him, but to see him. My heart aches for him to keep living this lesson over and over again.

He recognized, but there was no true remorse, and no real attempt to repair. When push came to shove, he couldn’t cross over, and stick with it. (I think it is in large part because admitting it, and truly seeing it causes so much shame that it becomes easier to continue rather than face it. Short term gain, vs long term ramifications.) So…yes, he will continue to experience the same lesson over and over, because he is a narcissist, who puts his ego ahead of everything else. He once told me the only reason he hadn’t finished himself off was because he had so much fear that the next life would be worse than this one.

As if he had no control over that. As if, he couldn’t change his life and his thinking right now…..and alter his path. Imagine being such a slave to your ego, that you would keep causing yourself the same pain over and over at it’s direction. As if the unconditional love of the universe would hold a grudge. The universe simply wants us to evolve. That loving energy is not hell-bent for revenge, or punishment. It’s hell bent for us to evolve into more loving, caring beings. The ego, on the other hand, uses fear to drive us. Why anyone would want to live their life in fear instead of love, when the choice is made clear to them, is beyond me.  But we have a choice, because we have free will.  To learn the lesson, or not.

So…healing, for all of us, I think, is a matter of peeling back the layers, one at a time. As humans, there is always another layer. We are, after all, spiritual beings having a human experience. Healing is evolving. Evolving, to me, is why we are here.

Love and light, and sweet healing, to all.

 

 

I’m Back, but I’m Sad

I’m back.  One blog.  But today, I am dedicating the blog to my mom, who we lost last night.

Mom had a massive stroke in October 2014 that left her unable to speak, read, or write.  Since then, for 16 months, she has had only her memories and her thoughts.  Even though she could understand,she couldn’t communicate.  I know she is at peace now, with my dad.  I am so glad I went to they psychic a couple months ago, because my dad’s spirit was there, and he asked me to write her a letter, a long letter, relaying stories of us growing up and letting her know how much we appreciate her and loved her.  I did that, at his request and I’m ever so grateful for that direction, so that I know nothing was left unsaid with her.  The psychic also said that my dad was with her in the convalescent home she was in and would stay there with her, which gave me a lot of comfort.

My mother and father were the people who taught me the value of unconditional love.  We never talked about it, we just lived it.  My sisters and I grew up knowing that we had value just because we existed, and that knowledge, when I was able to actually form it into a thought, was what I knew would save my son.  At the end of the day, with both of my parents, I never went to bed wondering if they loved me.  I took it for granted, as all children should be able to.  I know now, in a very personal way, what happens to people who don’t have that luxury.  It has always been our rock to stand on our whole lives.

My mother’s own mother, my grandmother, died when my mom was 4.  She lived with her large extended family growing up, as her father looked for work as an iron worker during the Great Depression.  We had a family reunion for her 80th birthday.  The whole family came, kids, grandkids, great-grandkids….She told us, “you can’t imagine how happy this makes me to see this, to have this big loving family, after growing up without one.”

The lessons I learned from her I am still uncovering.  Grace, even under the worst pressure.  Survival.  Thriving.  Moving past things and going forward.  Forgiving.  Compassion. Countless more I can’t even put to words at the moment.

She was the glue that held us together, and I know that her love will live on in my sisters and me, and will continue to be the glue that holds us together going forward. Blessed, so blessed to have had her as my mother.

 

Knowing

truth at center

Love.

It was a gift to myself

To love you.

The joy of loving

Outlives the pain of losing.

Precious moments lived

Delight my senses.

Painful moments

Teach me to rise

To surrender

To grow

To learn.

There is no loss anymore.

Gratefully I give up

The attachment

And keep the ethereal joy

Of knowing I can love.