Ruminations on Reclusiveness

Am I becoming reclusive? I spend a lot of time alone. And I don’t mind. I consider calling a friend to come over or go do something, and so often I stop myself. Not wanting someone intruding on me. At least lately. I don’t understand this sudden change in me.

I’ve always been extroverted. Love having people around. Love deep conversation. Love my friends. It’s why I was not afraid to move somewhere far away where I knew only 2 people, an old friend and my sister. I knew that I had always made friends easily, and I have. But lately, I find myself keeping to myself.

Perhaps I have given too much of myself, maybe I feel spread thin. I don’t know. I miss my son. At times I really miss my old life. But I love my new life. It’s just that lately, I don’t want to take a walk with someone else. I want to walk by myself, along the waterfront, sorting out my thoughts and emotions. Trying to figure out what it is that I really want, that brings me joy, and passion.

Writing is the first answer. Not the only one, but the first one. It brings me so much peace, to put my thoughts in a form where I can see them. I cannot seem to work them out without putting them on the page. I was up again, last night in the middle of the night, writing away. Because thoughts were there that were screaming at me for release. Compelling thoughts. And things I don’t want to publish, I don’t want them to be public knowledge. I need to keep and honor some things only in my heart. We all do.

This morning I have to get some groceries. Coffee, cream, toilet paper, some salad makings. I had to force myself to be kind enough to ask my friend who has no car of her own if she wants to go with me. I’m glad I did. I have wished someone was here to just talk with, someone I knew well. I want to rest in the arms of a close friend. This friend I called, well, she is a good friend. She can become argumentative though, and I hope that doesn’t happen today because I am way too tired to deal with it.

What I really want is someone who could take a nap with me, just lay down and make me feel safe….a man, no doubt, but just to rest my weary head against someone who I knew would not hurt me. It has been decades since I had that peace. And even when I had it, it was temporary.

When I lived with my son, I was content enough, to have him around. He was there. He would listen to me if he realized I really needed to be heard. He could see and understand me without a whole lot of communication. He read my body language. It wasn’t like having a significant other, but it eased the fact that I didn’t have one, or that the man I’d chosen had let me down, again.

I don’t want to be a recluse. I want to be involved in life, with passion, with love. I don’t want to become isolated, yet that’s what I’ve been doing lately to some degree. I’ll show up where I’m expected, but I just want to be alone most of the time.

I guess, when I look at it from the more objective perspective of reading it on the page, that I am sitting with some things. I don’t really know what they are, or why they are affecting me this way. But like a teacher who used to facilitate my meditation group each week said, “You don’t have to excavate. You don’t have to dig up your past. You just have to honor that you feel the way you feel.”

I guess I’m honoring myself, by allowing myself to feel things that are uncomfortable right now, but are evasive in origin. I guess that I want to do this in private, until I don’t need to anymore. So, if my blogging is more sparse, that’s why. I’m not saying it will be, but it was yesterday. And then the things that came out were direct from my soul. Today, this comes from the same place. I am confused, but willing. Reticent, but full of words. I suppose at some point it will spill back out and the clouds will dissipate.

Love and light.

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Foolishness

To love beyond reason
Is kind of foolish,
She thought.
Though she had loved him like that
Forever.

There was no gain
Ever, in loving him,
Except
The joy that comes from having
A heart that’s full.

There was some game
To be played
But she could never
Understand the rules.
She never played it right.

She wasn’t a player
She was a lover.
Waiting
For a sign
That the game had ended.

But he disappeared.
His disappearance filled the void
Where once he lay
Beside her.
Now she wondered if he was real.

Were they, he and she, real
In the time-outs between rounds,
When playing stopped momentarily?
What was there?
Nothing? Or something?

There were times she grew weary
Of the game.
Times she said,
Go. I can’t play this game
Anymore.

Her heart aches still.
She waits for answers
As yet unspoken.
So she moves on,
And tries to love again.

Reconnecting

I had a very hard time getting to sleep last night. I was up at midnight, writing. I have heard wakefulness is a curse of many writers. It seems to be mine lately, for sure. I wrote, some things that I won’t ever publish, just trying to express whatever it was that was stuck inside and trying to get out.  Leaning in, as Brene Brown advises, to the discomfort. Often that helps, just to write out whatever comes to mind, without a whole lot of worry about the mechanics. But still, as I sat on the couch, I was wide awake.

Saved on my computer is a short meditation, “The Great Bell Chant (The End to Suffering)”. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1ZwaEzMtJw ) . It has always given me some peace to watch this video, or simply to listen to it. I put it on, and after the first minute, closed my eyes. It isn’t too long, about 7 or 8 minutes. It is the first thing that helped me to begin to relax, and center myself.

When it ended I clicked on another suggestion on Youtube, for an Om Chant. It said it was 3 hours, but I thought, just let me listen for a few minutes, maybe it will clear my mind, remembering years ago a meditation group in which we listened to chanting for at least an hour, in the dark, and how I was always able to somehow shut down the monkey mind in my head. This video was simply a recording of Buddhist monks chanting OM, over and over again. Deep resonant voices. Listening to them, focusing in on them, my eyes finally began to close, and restfulness finally came to me. I found the same video on my phone, went to bed, and put it on. It was supposed to play for 3 hours. I don’t know if it did, lol, because finally I fell asleep, and slept until about 6:30. Only about 5 hours of sleep, but enough, especially for someone who’s retired, lol.

A few times in the last couple of days I’ve seen the term “metta” associated with Buddhism. Not because I was in particular reading or looking for information on Buddhism. The word just showed up, on FB, in my email newsletters. So this morning I googled it, and found a fascinating (to me) article on what it is, and how it’s practiced. ( http://www.vipassana.com/meditation/facets_of_metta.php ) It’s one of the 4 sublime states of Buddhism that leads to enlightenment. It kind of goes along with my post about unconditional love, but extends that love to oneself equally with extending it to others. You have to make yourself happy first, basically. And in serving others, you will find you make yourself happy. But, you can’t defer to others wishes if doing so makes you unhappy.

I slept well at my sisters, because I was helping her, and her friends, and it made me very happy to be there. I came home, to my little house that I love, but it was empty, devoid of that human connection, or so I thought. But connections remain, there is no space or time in regards to a connection. In focusing in on the OM meditation, I reconnected to myself, which reconnected me to all in a loving way. And I went to sleep.

And so the journey continues. Love and light.

Upside Down

hanging-upside-down

Sometimes it just sets in.
No reason, no rhyme.
Just sometimes.

The world turns upside down,
And hangs me from its teeth
And I can’t breathe.

Sometimes, the longing
For what was and what wasn’t
Takes over my entire being.
I try not to remember
So I remember more.
I try hard not to feel it,
So I feel it more.

No reason,
No comprehension
Of why this happens to me.
But it does.

Misty eyed,
I crawl into a corner,
and I let it bleed.
I lick my wounds,
I close my eyes
I dream a dream
That didn’t come true.
I try to find a new dream.
I don’t.

Waiting for it to leave
As it came.
Unannounced,
Unwelcome.
Without a goodbye
or a Fare Thee Well.
Just to stop.
Just, stop the pain.

Love always, all ways.
Never ending.
I remain.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

Gaining Perspective Through Transition

This feels so strange. Sitting in the house where my son will live, not with me. But it’s a nice house. It’s a nice room. It’s a neighborhood much like ours at home. The landlady is, like me, quite spiritual. Loves gemstones and rocks like me. Has a wealth of metaphysical books. She doesn’t seem invasive. I’m not leaving him in her care, of course. He’s 24. He doesn’t need a caregiver. But I do think it’s a good step-down from living with me. It’s only for 3 months, then he and his friends will get an apartment.

There are two parks a within a mile of his house.  Big parks with bike paths, and a lake.  Hiking trails all over.  He and his friends were making plans to go hiking this coming weekend.  There is so much to do here.  It’s seriously unbelievable.

It’s amazing how distance, physical distance, can give one perspective on things. I have been able to look at where my life has been for the last couple years objectively. I can see why I made the choices I did, and what I learned from them. It seems easier, when I’m not sitting in the scene of the crime, lol. There is no energy attachment here, to things. There is still to people, of course. Just, when I think about my relationship with Scott, I’m not sitting in the bedroom, family room, or deck where all the lies were perpetrated. It has helped me detach from him emotionally, completely. Spiritually, I think he and I will always have a connection, because I think we always have had one, and I’m sure we will meet again in another life. But that’s ok. It doesn’t make me long for him. I just have to acknowledge the connection that is obvious.

I am quite ready when I get back to move on with my life. To finish packing, to finish saying my goodbyes, to get the contents of my house on the moving van and drive away with my friend. I have been imagining what will happen there for so long, I know that it will manifest. I feel sure of it. Same way I knew that the perfect house would manifest when I bought the house I’ve just sold.

Son and I are going shopping today, for food, a clothes hamper, a few other things, to finish setting him up. I am kind of hoping we can go somewhere to watch the sunset before I leave. I met his friends yesterday, what a nice bunch of guys. They have all done what he has done, moved here from CT. They are really trying to make the transition easy for him. I know Thursday when he takes me to the airport will be difficult for both of us. But I know we both will be fine.

Transitions are hard, this will be one of my hardest ever. Maybe my hardest one ever. But I’ll get through it. I’m strong. I will break like a little girl, to use someone else’s words. But I put myself back together like a woman.

Love and light, all.

Dancing Through the Insanity

Rumi

I am starting to find out exactly what’s involved with putting a house on the market. It’s not like there’s a choice, if I want top dollar for the house I have to do it. Today I spent a little time getting stuff together for Easter…some of the traditional Polish treats. My son is half-Polish, his father was 3rd generation 100% Polish, so I like to keep up some of the holiday traditions for him.

Started clearing out the stuff that needs to be out of sight when the house goes on the market, especially for the pictures. Up and down the stairs. Biggest problem is all my jewelry making stuff. Trying to put it in some semblance of order, out of the way. It’s not a neat hobby, lol.

I sat down on the couch to rest around 2. I was so exhausted, and I slept a good 7 hours last night. Why so tired? It occurred to me as I sat, on the computer, with my music from my phone playing on the stereo, that I hadn’t eaten but a protein bar at 7 AM and some coffee. So I got a yogurt, and a tall glass of water, and ate it while I perused WP and FB. Felt much better after about 10 minutes, I think my sugar had crashed.

I decided to brave the basement storage area. It’s attached to my son’s space, and his mess is like water, seeking it’s own level, spreading across the floor. I worked down there for awhile, just cleaning up, straightening up, throwing stuff away, emptying junk out of cabinets…. Maybe a couple hours. Changed the furnace filter while I was at it.

About 4:30 or so I sat down again in the TV room on the couch, opened the computer and next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and it was about an hour later. I had fallen so dead asleep, I was disoriented waking up. And I was hungry! I made a little dinner, and then got some estimates on moving stuff to Florida. That will require some thought. A mover would be nice, but would cost about $800 more than a POD. Which is expensive enough, but how to get the furniture from upstairs down into the POD? I have no idea….. My move into this house was about 2 miles, from a small condo, and cost me $300. Will have to work on that issue.

Tomorrow, no time to rest. I have to get to the grocery store, hopefully before the rest of the town. Make a carrot cake, traditional for Easter. Why? Idk…Bunnies like carrots? No idea, but it wouldn’t seem like Easter without it. I usually give most of it away, take it to work, whatever. Then start on the garage. I have a ton of stuff that needs to go to the dump, so I looked up how that works on line. I have to get a permit from the town for $10 and can only take stuff there on Saturday. It looks like at least 2 or 3 trips. UGH.

I talked to my BFF’s husband today, who is like a brother to me, and asked him if he would look at my fireplace and just tell me what I need to replace, because for the life of me I can’t figure it out. He said he’d come over this week sometime. He is truly one of the good guys.

If I weren’t moving to a house a mile from the beach, I’d say I was gonna need a vacation when this is all done. But I will be on a permanent one, lol. I guess it’s just getting the house ready now that seems the big job. Once it’s done and on the market, I only need to keep it that way, not get it that way.

This must be the most boring blog ever, but I’m trying to document what has been done, what has to be done, and this helps me to organize my thoughts. I think I’m going to need at least 2 more weekends before pictures, but no longer. I need the house on the market by the middle of April.

The realtor texted me today that the seller has decided to get the gas hooked up in her name, so we can test the stove (and I’m so excited to have a gas stove, I’ve always had electric) and hot water heater. It was really a small thing, but I’m glad about that. The stove is brand new but not the hot water heater, so will be glad to have it checked out. We had the mold test done today, will get the results back Tuesday or Wednesday and then go in for the final negotiating. So, I have from now til then to kind of relax and let it be.

Tonight, all the emotional kind of angst I’ve had for days seems to have subsided, really disappeared for the time being. I know it’s a huge part of why I’m so tired. When the medium told me I needed to nurture myself, she said, that’s why you’re so tired all the time. I didn’t think I was tired all the time then, but it was like a prophesy! Because man, am I tired now that I’ve let it go. It’s not completely gone I’m sure, but I’m in a way better place. Probably because I wrote so much about it, and then because I spent the day working toward my new dream.

It’s quite a journey, from unconditional love and forgiveness, to betrayal yet again, to understanding, to anger over people trying to involve themselves in something that was none of their business, and then trying to let it all go again. Egos are so destructive. I think I’m pretty much back to the place of unconditional love from an unattached place. Back to the knowing I will always love the man, and also that I can never let him into my life again. I would say, we could be friends only, but really, even that….would be hard. We’ve never been in the same place and been able to keep our hands off one another. So how could we be friends only? Just let it go. I’ll soon be 1500 miles away, and creating a new life. He’ll have his old life, maybe. IDK. Maybe not, maybe she will realize she can never trust him, even if she loves him. Same as I did. It doesn’t matter to me any more. Moving forward. Rising strong.

Going to bed, lol. Love and light.

Don’t Look Back

don't look back

Maybe I tried too hard to dig down and let stuff go last night, because he’s been in my head all day. Not all good, not all bad, just is there. It could be just those bottom layers, coming up, needing to be sat with before they will depart for good. IDK. You’d think with all the work, and cord cutting he’d be gone from me. It scares me to think I may never be rid of this connection with him.

I’m cleaning the house, and once again, ridding it of things that remind me of him. I need to put away the prism light he gave me, taken out when he came to see the day after my mother died. I was so bereft, and he offered, and I was so glad to see him, and have him here. His presence was comforting, and sweet, and caring. We didn’t intend to do what we did, but I guess it’s’ just how we are. I remember putting my hands over my face, wondering what I was doing, but not stopping. It felt like I was undoing some of the torture from the way we ended last October. I remember not wanting him to leave.

I have to put away the coaster I put back on his side of my bed, taken out when he spent the night here a few days later. And used again, a few days after that.

Small things…..that’s all I have are small things. Except memories. None of them are small enough.

I wasn’t looking for a commitment. I knew he was confused, hell, I was SO confused, and he professed to love her but be mad at her for “running”, after telling him she could deal with whatever was in my blogs. She couldn’t, not many women could. I told him that. I was just happy to be with him. We felt close, he confided so much in me, I talked him down, I made him see that all might not be lost. I probably also thought, how much could he love her, if he’s in my bed a week after she leaves him? But never said so, I didn’t want to know the answer. I was in the moment, I loved him, I wanted nothing but his happiness, and to be with him. I saw him in pain over her, and tried to help. It wasn’t even hard to do. We pledged our close friendship always.

And then he turned on me, when she found out that the following weekend I’d spent it at his house with him. He’d already said he wanted to cool it between us, he needed time to think. I was ok with that. But I wasn’t ok when he found out she was hurt by it, and said he hadn’t wanted me there. That I was pushing. That was so untrue, that was such an attempt to rewrite history. He wanted me there, just like he wanted to come up here the week before. 3 times in a week. Even that day, that he found out that she knew. Hours before that he’d asked me to call him and wake him from a nap. So, I did, and he kept saying how he wished I was there. To negate that there was something between us, because she was hurt, was so disingenuous, so hurtful, such a betrayal, again. It wasn’t all lust. We spent hours talking, literally hours. More than ever before. Every night, texting in the day, and suddenly he’s telling me I was pushing and he didn’t want me there. It angered me more than hurt me, because I had no expectations of a future with him. I’m moving, he’s a mess….I just didn’t expect him to disown whatever it was that we had. It wasn’t what he had with her, but it was something. It meant something to both of us.

So, today, I will put these things away. I’ll get out my sage smudge sticks and cleanse the energy in the house, and also around me. Someone told me to ask for my aura to be protected from his energy, so I’ll do that too.

I’m going out with a friend tonight. Food, drinks, a band. It will be good to be around people, it will bring me back to this moment, the present moment. To the good life that I have. I’ll remember how little joy there is with him, in the long run, it always ends up being painful, I always end up hurt. I will walk, not run, away. Just walk at my own pace, there’s nothing chasing me, even though I’ve been looking over my shoulder, wondering. I need to remember there’s no joy in the place I’m walking away from. So stop looking back.