Dancing Through the Insanity

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I am starting to find out exactly what’s involved with putting a house on the market. It’s not like there’s a choice, if I want top dollar for the house I have to do it. Today I spent a little time getting stuff together for Easter…some of the traditional Polish treats. My son is half-Polish, his father was 3rd generation 100% Polish, so I like to keep up some of the holiday traditions for him.

Started clearing out the stuff that needs to be out of sight when the house goes on the market, especially for the pictures. Up and down the stairs. Biggest problem is all my jewelry making stuff. Trying to put it in some semblance of order, out of the way. It’s not a neat hobby, lol.

I sat down on the couch to rest around 2. I was so exhausted, and I slept a good 7 hours last night. Why so tired? It occurred to me as I sat, on the computer, with my music from my phone playing on the stereo, that I hadn’t eaten but a protein bar at 7 AM and some coffee. So I got a yogurt, and a tall glass of water, and ate it while I perused WP and FB. Felt much better after about 10 minutes, I think my sugar had crashed.

I decided to brave the basement storage area. It’s attached to my son’s space, and his mess is like water, seeking it’s own level, spreading across the floor. I worked down there for awhile, just cleaning up, straightening up, throwing stuff away, emptying junk out of cabinets…. Maybe a couple hours. Changed the furnace filter while I was at it.

About 4:30 or so I sat down again in the TV room on the couch, opened the computer and next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and it was about an hour later. I had fallen so dead asleep, I was disoriented waking up. And I was hungry! I made a little dinner, and then got some estimates on moving stuff to Florida. That will require some thought. A mover would be nice, but would cost about $800 more than a POD. Which is expensive enough, but how to get the furniture from upstairs down into the POD? I have no idea….. My move into this house was about 2 miles, from a small condo, and cost me $300. Will have to work on that issue.

Tomorrow, no time to rest. I have to get to the grocery store, hopefully before the rest of the town. Make a carrot cake, traditional for Easter. Why? Idk…Bunnies like carrots? No idea, but it wouldn’t seem like Easter without it. I usually give most of it away, take it to work, whatever. Then start on the garage. I have a ton of stuff that needs to go to the dump, so I looked up how that works on line. I have to get a permit from the town for $10 and can only take stuff there on Saturday. It looks like at least 2 or 3 trips. UGH.

I talked to my BFF’s husband today, who is like a brother to me, and asked him if he would look at my fireplace and just tell me what I need to replace, because for the life of me I can’t figure it out. He said he’d come over this week sometime. He is truly one of the good guys.

If I weren’t moving to a house a mile from the beach, I’d say I was gonna need a vacation when this is all done. But I will be on a permanent one, lol. I guess it’s just getting the house ready now that seems the big job. Once it’s done and on the market, I only need to keep it that way, not get it that way.

This must be the most boring blog ever, but I’m trying to document what has been done, what has to be done, and this helps me to organize my thoughts. I think I’m going to need at least 2 more weekends before pictures, but no longer. I need the house on the market by the middle of April.

The realtor texted me today that the seller has decided to get the gas hooked up in her name, so we can test the stove (and I’m so excited to have a gas stove, I’ve always had electric) and hot water heater. It was really a small thing, but I’m glad about that. The stove is brand new but not the hot water heater, so will be glad to have it checked out. We had the mold test done today, will get the results back Tuesday or Wednesday and then go in for the final negotiating. So, I have from now til then to kind of relax and let it be.

Tonight, all the emotional kind of angst I’ve had for days seems to have subsided, really disappeared for the time being. I know it’s a huge part of why I’m so tired. When the medium told me I needed to nurture myself, she said, that’s why you’re so tired all the time. I didn’t think I was tired all the time then, but it was like a prophesy! Because man, am I tired now that I’ve let it go. It’s not completely gone I’m sure, but I’m in a way better place. Probably because I wrote so much about it, and then because I spent the day working toward my new dream.

It’s quite a journey, from unconditional love and forgiveness, to betrayal yet again, to understanding, to anger over people trying to involve themselves in something that was none of their business, and then trying to let it all go again. Egos are so destructive. I think I’m pretty much back to the place of unconditional love from an unattached place. Back to the knowing I will always love the man, and also that I can never let him into my life again. I would say, we could be friends only, but really, even that….would be hard. We’ve never been in the same place and been able to keep our hands off one another. So how could we be friends only? Just let it go. I’ll soon be 1500 miles away, and creating a new life. He’ll have his old life, maybe. IDK. Maybe not, maybe she will realize she can never trust him, even if she loves him. Same as I did. It doesn’t matter to me any more. Moving forward. Rising strong.

Going to bed, lol. Love and light.

Sunrise Thoughts

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I walked out the door at 6:30 this morning to go to the town dock, about a half a block from my sister’s house to watch the sunrise.  I’d only been up a bit, but I could see the sky turning pink over that way, so got dressed, made coffee and off I went.

There was a southeast breeze blowing off the water, and about 65°F, so I was glad I put a light sweater on.  Sunrise was supposed to be 6:45, and normally there are 4 or 5 people there already by 15 minutes before.  Neighbors, and as much as I’ve been down here, I know quite a few.  However, this morning it was just me.

The pink was already leaving the sky when I got there, but it was still beautiful.  I sat on the bench, and closed by eyes, breathing in the balmy salt air breeze, loving the dawn of a new day.  (I am such a morning person.)  Looking at the boats in the harbor, some on moorings, some anchored out with their dinghies tied to the stern, knowing they were on board, waking up to the rocking of the boat in the gentle waves. I remembered feeling that many many times, and missed it.  There’s nothing like waking up on the water, or going to sleep to that same effect either for that matter.  I used to sleep better on our boat than anywhere else.

I opened my email, there was an email from B.  It was kind, articulate, acknowledging my feelings and relationship with S.  I believe she wants to put all the unkindness away, as I do.  I would have liked S to be the one to stand up and say what B did, but he’s who he is, this is a way for him to get someone else to say it for him, so he doesn’t have to acknowledge personally what he said, and did that was so untrue.  But I’m letting it go.  My life is so moving on and away from all of that.   I have no pangs of regret for it, but it is so clearly not what I want in my life.  I cant imagine being in a relationship with someone like him, never being able to trust him, always having to play detective, always needing to verify everything he told me, and dig out the whole truth.  I wish her luck, I really do, because she has so much of her life invested in him.  It was a lesson, a rung on the ladder of my evolution, to know him and to love him.  And now I continue up the ladder.

So, on the balmy sea breeze, I just let it go.  There will probably be more to let go, but it’s all flowing away easily at the moment.  I’ve learned what I needed to learn.  I’m glad I did what I did in January, to complete that lesson.  It was good for me, and caused no pain for me, because I never got reattached.  I saw reality.  I think too, that in the end, it was good for B too, to see the way he actually is, that he could say one thing to her, making her believe he was in so much pain, and actually running to another woman’s bed instead of dealing with the behavior that broke her heart in to a million pieces. For me, seeing that reality makes it easier to let go. I can only hope when her heart is put back together, it is stronger than it was.

As soon as I was done responding to her, a man came and sat down on the other bench with his cup of coffee, and struck up a conversation.  He had an Irish type of brogue, I asked him where he was from (because most people you meet here are not from here, lol.)  He was from Thunder Bay Canada.  I have met so many Canadian people between last night at the art show and now him. Like maybe 4 or 5 new people, friends of my sis, all from Canada.  We talked a bit, about the area, and the mornings, and the sunrise.  A very nice man.  We walked back down the dock in conversation, and I found out he’s renting the upper floor of the house across the street from my sis’s house.  He’s been renting it for 6 or 7 years now in the winter.  We joked about why everyone in the world isn’t in Florida for the winter, lol.  I said, well I soon hope to be.  He asked about winter in CT, and I told him about the 4 ft of snow we got one night 2 years ago, lol.  We agreed that the sunrise is a perfect way to start the day.

It was so pleasant, just to have a normal conversation with a man on my own.  Kind of like a gift from the Universe, saying see what will happen when you have let all that other stuff flow out of you, and away on the breeze?  Feeling so much like this place is exactly where I need to be.

So, I’m posting a couple pics of the sunrise. The one at the top was just before.  The one at the bottom is just after.  It was just an average, maybe even below average, but still just lovely.  Love and light all.

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Tidying Up

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I’m pretty happy tonight.  I was alone, really alone,  all day, but it was a good thing.  I got a bunch of paperwork done for my mom’s estate.  I did my taxes and filed them!  Yay! I paid all my bills, and that felt really good!!!  I wanted all that stuff done before I went to FL.  Now I can get ready for the trip and relax.

So, then I went through my summer clothes.  I washed what I felt needed to be.  I packed.  I was trying to to the small, carry-on.  But I’m going for a week.  Don’t think I can do it. I never understood shoe fetishes, where people were like Imelda Marcos.  But honestly, I am her for flip-flops.  I am taking maybe 6 pairs.  I am NOT taking maybe 10.  Geezus.  I do love flip-flops.  They just speak summer to me.  I even have a pair of flip flop earrings and a necklace with a flip-flop mother of pearl pendant.  I can’t wait to live somewhere where I get to wear them every friggin’ day.

While I was packing I started throwing stuff out again.  Literally, another 10 pair of flip-flops that are beyond wearable, lol.  I threw out 6 bras that are way too big for me, from when I weighed 30 or 40 lbs more.  I am not done.  I am going to keep throwing stuff!

I was told about a book last night by Montana, called something like , “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.” And then, my friend Emma talked about it in her blog today.  So there you go, it’s a sign, I need to buy the book .  I hope it’s available on kindle.  But it will be so much easier to pack for moving if I just purge and purge first.  So I was doing that today.  Purging.

Maybe more than clothes, lol.  Next is my kitchen.  That’s gonna be a trip.

I’ve made a nice dinner for my son and I.  I’m going to watch the final Downton Abby.  Dang, I will miss that show so much!!!   I’m having a 2nd glass of wine, because, dang, I got a lot done today.  I’m going to find a realtor in the town in FL I have my heart set on tonight and make an appt tomorrow for Friday.  FRIDAY!!

I talked to my sis today.  She paints, she is really good. She sells her paintings for some decent money. Anyway, they are having a show at the art center in her neighborhood, the night I get in.  So…I’ll have a place to wear my new dress!!  She is showing a painting there.  We’re going to drive around and check out the other neighborhood I might like.  It’s a village arts center.  It’s closer to her, but she doesn’t think it’s as nice as my first choice.  This trip is going to be so much fun, because it’s really going to give me a feel for living there, not just vacationing.

My sis is taking Tai Chi.  I hope she’ll show me some of what she has learned.  I have a CD, that I used to follow some mornings.  Maybe we’ll go to the beach and do it together!  That would be cool.  Tho I think she’s too shy, lol.  I am looking forward to walking on the beach every morning, swimming in her pool in the hot afternoons.  Clearing my head of the old, making room for the new.

Two days of work this week.  I can do this.

And here is the coolest thing about today!  I got my 200th follower!!! I am so excited.  I know in the scope of blogging 200 is a pretty small number, but I’m very excited about it!  So thank you America On Coffee, for being my 200th follower!

Life is so good.  Love and light to all.

Getting to the Other Side

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I got so much done on my house yesterday.  I think one more weekend and it will at least be ready for these people who are interested to see it.  My son promises to go at his space today, and it’s by far in the worst space in the house.  I just have the bathrooms and the garage to do.   Even if these people don’t end up buying the house, at least it will be ready to put on the market, pretty much, when I get back from Florida.  I will need to paint the deck, but I don’t think I can do that until the days are longer and warmer.  End of April maybe.  I’m going to hire someone to come in and get the yard in good shape, cut back the shrubs, etc.

I had so much fun talking to my friend in Florida last night. Old friends are so wonderful to have.  I haven’t talked to her, except FB messenger, for a long long time, but we know each other so well, we just pick up where we left off.  I just love her to death.  She’s just one of those people who never allows anything to take her joy of living from her.  I can’t wait to see her.  Having her there, where I want to live will be like instant immersion into that life.

Which will move me at light speed  away from this one, lol.  It’s time, really.  Definitely time.  It’s funny, I have had the plan to move to Florida since before I met S.  The relationship with him did not deter it.  It has always been there.  It could have worked out in many different ways, either for us, or for me.  If he had wanted a relationship, and to retire, we could have shared each other’s homes, had a place to go in the winter in Florida, a place here in New England in the summer.  And kept our independence, both owning a home.  We could have just visited each other. It turns out it became my escape route, from the devastation he wrought on my life for a time.  I’m so glad it’s one dream I never gave up.

I think at times, well he wanted a relationship, just not with me.  But then, did he want one with her, really?  If he did, why did he do what he did, knowing it would kill it.  And if it wasn’t dead, then spending January with me, certainly didn’t help breathe life back into it.  It’s not my problem any longer though.  I look so forward to loving a man who knows what he wants, and who doesn’t engage in self-destructive behaviors constantly.  There is another side of life, and I intend to experience it fully. 🙂

Lovely to have slept a good night’s sleep last night.  Today is supposed to be warm, at least warm enough to go to the cove for lunch.  It’s been so long, I am looking forward to it.

Off for my 2nd cup of coffee…..Love and light, all.

 

Florida Dreams

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Sunrise from the town dock

I got my dates to go visit my sis in Florida.  I’m going the week of March 7 and for about a week, which is the longest I’ve ever gone!  I’m very excited about it.  I have a couple of neighborhoods I want to scope out while I’m there.  But balmy breezes, sunrises on the town dock, (the picture above is one I took of one of the more stunning sunrises there), walking the beach of the Gulf of Mexico every morning.  Even the call of the peacocks is beautiful to me.

It will be so cool to live close to my sister.  I have never in my adult life lived close to any of my family.  None of us have, my sisters and I have always been spread out across the country.

The idea of moving is overwhelming though.  To get the house ready to sell, to put it on the market, to figure out how to get all my stuff down there, and my cat, and then I’ll have to store it until I find the house I want.  The logistics of giving notice at work, to coincide with closing on my house when it sells, and moving into a temporary place while I look for somewhere permanent.  I will be unsettled for awhile.

But with the beach close, I should be able to stay grounded, lol.

I will also miss my friends so much.  That’s the hardest thing to leave, is the wonderful people I have here.  I’ve lived in the same small town since 1978. My son has spent all 23 of his years here.  I think all of my friends are parents of kids he hung out with, played baseball or hockey with.  The blessing is though, I know they will all come to see me, and I know I can come up here and stay with them.  I’ll like that.

I was driving home one night thinking, “It will be a long time down there, before you can drive around knowing exactly where you are without even thinking about it.”  But that’s ok, I know I’ll have the path to the beach memorized soon enough when I get settled!

What I’m looking forward to the most is not working.  Getting up and writing until I’m done, making jewelry, maybe learning something new. I hope I can find a house with a space for me to be creative, because even though I am very right-brained as it is, I intend for that part of my brain to run free when I don’t have to work!!  You never know what might come out of it.

I hope I can find a spiritual community.  I know the gong baths will be probably non-existent, but if I can find a meditation group, maybe even one that has sound healing, that will ease the moving stress.

Time for me to go check flights!  Have a good day, everyone.  Love and light.IMG_0787

All in a Day’s Work

Back to work…which went just about as I thought it would.  1001 emails, literally. And really, only 1001 because a co-worker waded through some of the junk for me.  Piles of papers all over my desk, each person left their own pile, lol.  Crazy, but I tread water all day, and stayed above the surface.

However, with the perfect timing only the universe can achieve, I walked into the office and had not even made it to my desk when my son called to tell me something happened to the AC, and water was spraying around the basement.  He shut it off, but it still sprayed so he shut off the furnace.

Let me add that the temperature was 95° F today.

It seemed to be a return line on a pump for the central air that a fitting broke on.  I called the furnace people, since the pump said it was for use on furnaces.  Made no sense to me.  But I scheduled them to come out tomorrow morning.  For a $100 diagnostic fee and then the cost of repair.  I’m thinking $300. And no AC tonight, meaning I probably would get very little sleep.

Then I texted my best friends husband and asked him what he thought it would cost me.  He said $140 plus labor.  But that he thought he had the fitting, and would come over tonight and see if it was the right one.  So….when I got home at 7:45 he came over and it took him less than 10 minutes to save me $300.

That’s a good friend.  This man is like a brother to me.  He’s fixed my snowblower twice, he came over with a chainsaw after a storm and cut out my broken shrubs. This is why I say I am blessed.  I have loving family, and loving friends that treat me like family.

At the end of the day, my house is cooling down.  All in a day’s work.

A Little Closer to Not Working

I just talked to my mother. She’s 94, living in a memory care facility in Florida. She is not happy there, even though hospice workers tell us that it’s one of the best in the area. She wants to be with her family, which is what we would all hope if we make it to 94. But she had a major stroke last fall, and cannot speak, read, or write and is partially paralyzed on her right side. Sad, she was an English teacher, and an avid reader. We used to talk for ages about the books we were reading. Mom needs care 24/7. I wish it weren’t so, because no matter how good the facility, at least down there, the aide to patient ratio is about 20 to 1, and the aides just can’t spend time with her, and time is all she craves. I get so sad thinking about it, imagine never being able to ask a question, voice an opinion, take part in any activities. I asked her if there were things for her to do tonight, and she said, “Oh yes….” which was a good sign. She can usually answer yes and no questions, which is what I try to ask her, and then she babbles unintelligibly until you ask another question.

Her voice was weak tonight, very soft, and quiet. It’s never been like that before. It makes me so sad. I so wish I already lived in Florida. She would be happy at this place if we could come visit her every day. My little sis is going to see her next week. I’m happy about that.

My vacation is whittling down to the last couple of days. Tomorrow I have a party for which I had to make an appetizer and dessert. I made “Pecan Cloud” cookies, which are really just baked meringue with pecans in them. They are so good!!! For an appetizer, I got some proscuitto, fresh peaches, arugula and blue cheese. You layer the peaches with the arugula and blue cheese and wrap the proscuitto around it. They are really good.

Then another friend texted me about doing something on Sunday, it’s going to be 90. We made tentative plans to do something, we will decide at the party tomorrow. Because the rest of our crowd will be there. Probably be about 60 people, it will be fun. Sunday will probably be the beach, or maybe my friend’s boat.

I have had such a nice vacation. Trip to the Adirondacks, Newport, a party, the beach, great weather. Good friends, saw S one evening, and had a couple days at home, to do stuff around here and relax, Reading, writing. It’s all good.

Except Mom. I wish she was happy.

And except, I want to retire more than ever. To spend my days as I feel like, and to be closer to my mother.