Tag Archives: emotions

Stream of Consciousness: Men. LOL.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Stream of consciousness……da duh da duh da duh…..

Men.

My ex.

I had to talk to him this week, in the midst of all the chaos of the grand opening and the drama of Scott. He never signed a quitclaim for the deed to our slip, which I got in the divorce. I have sold it, but can’t complete the transaction until he does this. So I called him to ask him to please do it, and he said he would, but that means nothing. He is a worse game player than Scott, I think. I will probably have to threaten him with contempt of court to get him to actually execute the quitclaim. I have a court order from a few years ago that if he is back in court for not following the judge’s orders following our divorce trial, he will go to jail, because he messed with it so much. But that’s who he is. A pathologic liar and sick sociopath. I don’t know if he’s still drinking or not. He said he needs to call me back because he has some issues to discuss. I said, what issues…we’ve been divorced 8 years. I have always said that he still thinks I’m his wife, somehow…..I don’t want to have another conversation with him. But I also know he’ll probably never call me back, lol. It’s not my first go ’round with him either. However, the 10 minute conversation I had with him was exhausting, as it always is. Circular, difficult, can’t be heard, can’t be acknowledged, and he lies, about everything, just to be lying.

Scott.

So wonderful to have freedom from the chaos of Scott. I am not gonna say anything else because I’ve already spent too much time and thought and emotion on this relationship in the last week, and it’s over.

Lou, L.

God, I like him so much. I think I could easily fall in love with him. I feel like the above drama with S though, spent my emotional energy away from focusing on a relationship with Lou, toward ending one with Scott. It just feels that the connection with Lou has weakened. I hope that I have not energetically sabotaged it. I hope that now that I have closed the door on Scott, that it will reopen the energetic door with Lou. There’s no concrete reason I feel this way, but intuitively, I’m just feeling that we’ve backed away from each other. I’m not pushing it. If I hear from him, I’ll be happy. If I don’t, I’ll still be happy and know that the Universe is still working in my behalf and has not yet brought the exact right guy to me. There are some things that put me off a bit, actually. He’s way more conservative than me. I don’t think he likes to think about things deeply, which right now is a godsend. I am sick of having to go so deep to figure a situation out, and then still feeling confused and chaotic about it. Lou is much more “what you see is what you get.” And, what I saw when I made him dinner, I liked. It was light and breezy, and easy. But at some point, it may frustrate me, to be with someone who shys away from the hard conversations. He goes home a lot to Ohio, which might be a problem at some point, but I also admire his commitment to his kids to help them start this business and make sure it gets off the ground on the exact right footing. That’s just cool. Just saying….I don’t know if that adds up to having a real relationship. But I’m just gonna go with the flow on this one. However the universe takes it, is ok with me. Surrender is becoming easier.

Chuck.

Chuck is an artist I met Friday when he brought in his incredible artwork for the gallery opening. I did not talk to him much at all then, I was just way too busy. Yesterday he came into the gallery I spent the day in, and we began a conversation as he looked at the three original panels used for the granite wall Vietnam Memorial in Tampa. He is a Viet Nam vet. And and incredible artist. And tall, and good looking and kind. One of those people who just is not afraid to be vulnerable. (It’s hard to be a good artist if you’re afrid to be vulnerable, but that’s another blog. Maybe though, that’s why I like artist types so much.) We talked for 20 minutes, maybe a half hour. About my friend the curator, and her physical ailments and how she just pushes through them. How she and I grew up together on the banks of the Mississippi. About movies, and the art therapy mission of the Veterans Art Center, about Gulfport, and CT. Finally, the gallery began to get busy again, and I had to focus my attention on other people’s questions, etc. He said he was going to go check out the other galleries, but we exchanged names, and both said we’d enjoyed talking, and he held my arm for a moment, and said, “ talk to you again….” Not that there were big sparks, or anything. But I did realize that if it doesn’t work with Lou, it could work with someone else. That I don’t need to be feeling bad if the universe directs me and Lou apart. Just gave me a lift. I have a feeling that I may see him again, at the gallery, or at something to do with it.

My horoscope for yesterday (I didn’t read it til this morning, lol) said I might meet the love of my life yesterday, unless I already had. I don’t know if that statement, or either of them is true, but I do believe I will meet that person. My medium said by October, she feels I’ll be in a relationship. I hope she’s right. I think I’m ready to really have that happen.

Love and light, again.

A conversation

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sitting in silence, in my small, old, adorable bungalow, thoughts run through my mind of what was, and is no more, and what is, and what will be. Observing the journey is all.

I think about the conversation I had with my close male friend last night on what’s happening in the world, and why it so triggered an emotional response from me. His calm, loving, focused care of me as I explained to him how much I have been reminded of my ex, and how last weekend I so felt that darkness over me again. When I told him, in a very abbreviated way, about my marriage, he asked, “What did you do when that happened?” (My ex just going off on me or my son for any random thing, just to cause chaos.) I said, “Usually I just got quiet, because to say anything just made it worse.” He nodded. Then I said, “But eventually, what I did was leave him…..” And he smiled. Because he saw that I realized that I actually didn’t let my ex kill me. That I took my own power back.

Now, I think how if I ever complained to my ex about anything, like I was sick and felt awful, even when I was in labor (!) he would have to make sure he told me how much worse he had had it than me. That I still didn’t know what pain really was. (I was trying to give birth to a 10lb. 15 oz. Child, 22 1/2” long, who was posterior. No, not much pain there…..idiot.) Always he had more, he was worse off, my pain or whatever I felt or experienced was negated.

You learn not to say anything, because you will feel worse.

With S, he always would say, “Whine whine whine….” as if I was just making up something to bitch about. Never wanted to listen to my troubles. Could never extend an ounce of empathy toward me. Because it was all about himself, always and forever. I guess I thought that was an improvement from the treatment I got from my ex. S was just telling me to forget about it, I guess, it wasn’t important. Even though it apparently was, or I wouldn’t have said anything. I was looking for support, he couldn’t give it so told me to forget it. Stop whining, as if I were a petulant child. Now I see who the petulant child was though.

I can already tell that L would be there if I needed him to be. He would not negate my feelings or emotions, by telling me his problems were worse, or that mine didn’t matter, minimizing my feelings, so I should move on. He’s much more like my friend that I talked with last night. We may not be on the exact same page politically, but I feel, at least right now, and it’s very early to even go here, that he would not negate my feelings, and try to make his dominant.

Once I let my friend last night know how I dealt with the triggering (by taking a couple of days off, walking, meditating, reading) and got myself centered again, and grounded in unconditional love, looked at me and said, “It’s insanity. What’s going on is just insanity.” His first action was to make sure I was ok, then he expressed his feelings on it. I knew we were on the same page about it anyway, we have had a lot of close conversation about our beliefs and feelings.

He’s a gift to me, really. He is quite a bit older than me, and married to a woman who is in a convalescent home with the final stages of Alzheimer’s. He is loyal and faithful to her, a trait which I totally admire in him. I think we serve each other well. He reminds me what I really want in a partner, and shows me how amazing it could be. I imagine being physically intimate with a man who can communicate, and feel empathy the way he does, and know I will not settle for less. I think I also offer him the companionship of a woman, and the sweet, intimate conversations he misses with his wife.

So many blessings, and so many lessons I’ve learned. So many gifts I’ve been given. I have to remember that in the end, I believe tRump will be his own worst enemy. I know he’s going to cause a great deal of pain and hardship in this country, maybe the world, before he is driven from power. I’ve never experienced growth on any scale, without pain. But in the end, he’ll be gone, impeached, or imprisoned, or at least not re-elected, or maybe even worse. The world will right itself again. I believe what you think about expands. My ex thought only about making me penniless, and ruining my relationship with my son. I thought only about having a beautiful home with my son. My ex ended up penniless, and has no relationship with my son. He attracted to himself what he wished for me. The universe only hears the wish….not where it’s directed. I ended up with a beautiful home, and a close relationship with my son. I don’t wish ill on anyone, not even tRump. Meaning I wish he would see the light, and become someone who could stand up for it, but I don’t wish him dead or any other ill. I wish love and freedom for us all. That’s what I want to manifest, so that’s what I’ll focus my thoughts on.

Enough philosophy, lol. Time to get another cup of coffee. Love and light, all.

Sensitivity

Posted on by learning to live like water

deep-sensitivity

 

I don’t know if I’m “deeply” sensitive, or just ordinarily sensitive. I am sensitive, I suppose. How do you qualify, quantify your sensitivity?

All I know, is when I read this quote on FB, put up by a friend who is a fellow Reiki master and a medium, it completely resonated with me. So, deeply, or ordinarily, I don’t know or even care which I am. This is beautiful, and this is how things are for me.

The original post on FB was made by a page entitled “Bodaishin”  who I am now following.

 

Working Through the Angst

Posted on by learning to live like water

This has been the hardest day yet. Trying to help my son get the bike rack on his car, and I could barely stand there, with the car full of all his stuff. Trying to help him arrange it so it all fit, plus the two carry-on bags that have to go in tomorrow morning. I came back in the house and walked around aimlessly, looking for something to do to take my mind off the fact that this would be the last day I ever spent living in the same house with him.

I decided to go to the store, and pick up snacks for us. He needed a bike lock. I needed to get the hell out where there were people. I managed to suck it up, and get the bike lock. In the store, I couldn’t even imagine what we’d want for snacks in the car because my stomach was so upset. I picked out a few things, then just decided we’d have to stop somewhere along the way and get things to refill the snack bag. I have a small cooler to put water bottles in.

When I got home, we were sitting watching TV together, because his TV was in the car. He put on a movie, a comedy. We both started laughing. Then he said, “Mom, you gotta get it together or this is going to be an awful long trip.” I said, “I’m trying.” I was able to express some heartfelt emotions to him, then. And he to me. And then we just kept talking…..And I think I was able to pull myself back from the edge quite a ways.

He is, as most young people are, a bit self centered, and didn’t realize how hard this was for me, even though I was the one who set it all in motion. And I perhaps have not wanted to burden him with the difficulty I am having with everything, because he’s my kid, and I don’t want him worried about me. But now, I explained to him that even if this house here were paid off, I’d still have to come up with $600 a month in taxes. That I want to be able to enjoy life for a few years. I told him how much money I’ll save there, and he knows how I hate winter. He finally said, “Mom, I’m gonna be 25 on my next birthday. I shouldda been out of the house already.” I smiled and said, “No, I don’t think so. I think you and I needed this house. We needed to be here. This is the happiest place we’ve ever lived and we deserved that. We had 5 good years here, really good for us. Now it’s time for us both to move on.”

So we are on the same page. I feel so much better. The unspoken fears we both had, and perhaps a little misunderstanding between us about what was going on for each of us on an emotional level, were eating at us both. Thank God we are able to communicate, in a loving and close way. No accusations, no blaming. Just listening to each other, and honoring our feelings.

He’s going out with his friends for sushi tonight. I’m going to a gong bath. Then we’ll come home, and go to bed, and begin our new adventure tomorrow. I think I’ll be ok. I think I see the light returning to my psyche.

Breathing, exhaling. I have a great kid. He has a great future in front of him, and so do I.

Love and light.

Emotional Packing

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

packing

I’ve found I can only pack and sort things for about 2 or 3 hours a day. I just get too emotional. So attached to some things, which it would be stupid to take, but it’s so hard to let them go. One of them….well, I just stuffed it in a box. It was a huge teddy bear that was a Christmas gift to my son for his first Christmas. I just couldn’t let it go. It’s been sitting in the rocking chair in my room since forever, even before I left his father.

So many other things. I had emails between S and I that I’d printed out, I had pieces of writing from 20 years ago, I had memories, memories. So hard. I managed to throw most of that stuff out, but it made me melancholy, to be leaving everything I have known as an adult. I lay down on the chaise in my living room and cried for a few minutes. I laid down on my bed, and just closed my eyes to process all that has happened to me in the 40 years I’ve lived here.Everything that has brought me to this moment, of packing up my life of 40 years, and sorting out the things I want to take with me.  Lay there for about an hour.

My son asked me twice today what was wrong. I just said, “You know, it’s just big changes…so many big changes.” But I decided that I was done packing and sorting for the day. I changed my clothes, put on some makeup and went to the store to get laundry detergent and limes so I could have a drink when I got back, maybe read a book or something.

I got to the store, and as the universe does, I walked through the parking lot right into my bff who I am able to tell anything to, and told her how my morning was. She knows me, she gets it. She is always, has always been there for me. Even when I didn’t listen to her about S, she stuck with me while I figured it out. So we talked, it was the best thing that could have happened to me to run into her. She said she’d pick me up at the airport on the 8th when I get home. Awesome.

When I got home, instead of making the drink I was going to, I made a frozen peach strawberry daiquiri for my son and myself. It wasn’t bad, considering it was the first time I’ve made one in maybe 20 years, lol. Then I sat on the couch and began really mapping out our trip to Denver. We’re going to do somewhere around 500 miles a day, and then the last day only have about 350 to do. I got hotel phone numbers so we can call and make reservations.

Then I did the same for the trip to Florida which is a full day shorter.

Then a girl which whom he is close friends came over, had the last of the daiquiris and they decided they’d make me dinner. 🙂  Good kids.

I think I’m at the point I can stop obsessing about making sure everything is packed up for my mover’s date. I think I’m well ahead of the game now. When I stop working next weekend, I’ll have all week to get most of the house finished. I will leave the kitchen until I get back from Denver.

It gets more real every day. Most everyone I know I’ll see again. They’ll be down to see me, or I’ll be up to see them. There are some people I won’t see again though, and some I won’t get to say goodbye to. I guess I just have to do the best I can. The love I have for them will always be. I think they know that.

Love and light, all.

Back on an Even Keel

Posted on by learning to live like water

even keel

(( The top picture was me yesterday.  The bottom picture is me today. )

My eyes opened with the first rays of daylight this morning. I had gone to bed late, almost midnight, and managed to somehow get back to sleep for another hour. When I woke, I realized I was sore…from washing windows, mopping floors, carrying bags of empty bottles from the basement storage room to my recycling bin. I have a bit more to do this morning to have the house in shape for the showing today.

The thing was, I woke happy. Despite the early hour. Despite being alone. Despite a lawn mower that won’t start, lol. I feel like I got my clarity back, which was missing yesterday. Triggers, I guess. Just triggers. I see them, I know what they are. I just have to sit through them. Sitting with our feelings.

I find it difficult to comprehend at times, how someone could so devastate me, knowing how I felt about him, with all we shared together, and never wonder if I am ok. Never just say “hi, hope all is well. Happy for you about your Florida house.” How could I have loved, and been so intimate with someone who can be so cold? I suppose he has his own fucked up reasons. He will say he doesn’t need to ask, he reads my blog. And doesn’t feel the need to hear me say it. And for some reason, doesn’t think I want to know that he too is ok.

Whatever. I’m used to his callousness. His thoughtlessness. His selfishness. He’s got what he wants, what else matters?

Maybe just too much water under the bridge now. Idk. I was, still am, angry at him for showing her my writing. For even telling her it existed. Rightfully so. It was none of her business, what we did together. And then her, for having to tell me. So childish, immature of both of them. I’m not ashamed of what I wrote, but I wrote it for him, at his request, because I loved him. To have it cheapened, denigrated to less than it was, to appease her jealousy…..

On top of denying what he clearly felt, all the time we were together, again, to appease her jealousy.

Maybe it’s better I don’t talk to him. Some sick dysfunction going on there. Contact can only make me feel bad again. No contact is hard, but not nearly as hard as having the whole situation shoved in my face again.

Today I know I am moving closer to my dream. Today is one day closer to waking up in my Florida home, 1500 miles away from all the trauma of the last year. New experiences. New people. New joys. I am hoping that the unbreakable connection stretches thin over 1500 miles. I am hoping that I will be so preoccupied with my new life, I won’t think about the old life. At least, not the painful parts of it.

While my house is shown today, I’m going with my friend that I went out to eat with, to look for a dress for her for a wedding. And then to Sam’s Club, to restock the house. She just sold her house, just accepted an offer Friday. She got her full asking price. I’m so happy for her, and it made me hopeful. So glad I have such good friends.

That, and seeing a sundog yesterday. I think the universe knew I needed a sign. 🙂 All in all, things are moving ahead, with the plan I’ve always had. Plans that didn’t depend on a narcissistic man to complete them. I have always said, I wanted him, but I never needed him. I still don’t need him. And the want part…well….it’s fading.

Love and light to all.

On Breaking Like a Little Girl

Posted on by learning to live like water

breakingi like a little girl

So, look….I don’t break like a little girl. Usually. And not now, not today. In fact I’m a long ways away from breaking.

I am tired, I am slightly stressed. I know I need to be doing things like putting my furniture up for sale that I’m not taking with me. I’ve heard to just sell it on ebay, with a pick-up only, not to use Craig’s list. Don’t want to be letting the craigslist killer in my front door. Maybe I could advertise it in the local little paper. IDK. I need to find someone to give my old washer and dryer to, although, I have been told that Big Brother/Big Sisters will take that stuff off your hands and put it for sale in their stores, Savers. Which seems like a good cause, and I could take a tax deduction.

I need to finish getting the utilities in the Florida house in my name. I need to have the mail forwarded up here from there, til I move there.

I worry that my boss will find all this stuff out, about both houses, and it will ruin my relationship with him, which is good at the moment. Work life could get very unpleasant if that happens. But if I tell him, without an exit date, he might give me one, and I might not be ready to move, and I don’t want to have to pay this mortgage if I don’t have a job. So every day I feel like I’m taking a chance.

I want to find out what a POD will cost to get my son’s stuff to CO. I need to get costs on moving my stuff to FL.

Yesterday I was sat on my deck and fell asleep in the sun. It was lovely. But while I was there, I thought about how I ran into a good friend at the store yesterday, in the organic produce section, and we talked for 15 or 20 minutes. She wants to try her hand at jewelry making, for a hobby, because her youngest child is about to go off to college. So we made tentative plans for me to go with her to get some basic tools etc, and I told her to come over some Sunday (her husband works weekends) and we’ll sit on the deck and make jewelry…drink wine…

Anyway, sitting out there yesterday, thinking about that, I thought, God, I wonder how long it will take me to have friends like that in Florida? Friends I can make spur of the moment plans with, like going to Costco Saturday with my bff, like going to my cousins to do reiki, like having this friend over to make jewelry on the deck. I will miss my peeps so much. They are my family here. I’ll have to create a whole new family and that’s a little scary.

Altho, my bff said Saturday, “we want to come see you as soon as you get settled.” And I know she means it. I said, “October, you will love it there in October. You will be getting pissed because it’s getting cold here…Florida is lovely then.”

But still I had this dark vision of me sitting alone every weekend there, nothing to do and no one to do it with. It was momentary, because I know I will make friends, and I know that before I’d sit all alone, I’d probably head to the beach or my sisters, or something….But, you know, the fear kind of showed up momentarily.

But, I guess the point is, it doesn’t break me. I think a broken heart can break me, but even that only momentarily. And who knows, maybe I know enough now to work through it, without feeling broken at all, if it happens again. Plus, I think I learned enough lessons from the last two men, to choose better, and not fall in love with someone who will treat my heart so callously. I’m sure there are men who actually appreciate a loving heart, and will treat it lovingly in return. I’m hoping I find one in Florida.

Maybe at the yacht club, lol. Or maybe I’ll get a fishing pole and go down to the fishing pier and find a fisherman, one that doesn’t get a thrill out of being helicopter lifted off a sinking ship. One that just likes to catch fish, and be near the ocean. Calmer…..more content. More appreciative of the joys life offers every minute. One who doesn’t need to be walking on the edge to feel alive. One who feels alive every moment he takes a breath, and finds wonder in that gift.

So, the opinion once given me by the man who broke my heart, that I break like a little girl, well, I am gonna guess that he has probably discarded that opinion of me anyway. I broke like a grown up, and I did my work, and I once again found a new path that will work for me. I’ll get through the hard parts of it, probably by writing, by being near the sea every day, by finding joy somewhere every moment.

I won’t walk the edge, I won’t risk falling off. And if I slip, I won’t break. If I crack, well…I’ll let the light in, let it weld the pieces back together, and glow a little brighter when it’s over.

Love and light.

Dealing With Unsettledness This Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

unsettled

I’m unsettled this morning. Lots of reasons.

First, concern over my son moving to Colorado. I would feel better if I knew this was something he really wanted to do, not a choice he was making out of necessity, because he can’t stay here. I was happy when I thought he was really looking forward to it. Now, as his mother, I can’t help but feel sad that my choice is making him make a choice he didn’t want to have to make. You know, if you have kids, that your whole life is about putting your kids first. This time, I can’t. He’s an adult, and I can’t stay here and retire. He gets that, he understands. But he doesn’t like it.

Of course, I have made him so comfortable here. No real responsibility here. His own space, really like his own apartment, but he doesn’t worry about the utility bills, or food in the fridge. He pays me $400 a month, he makes his car payment. He does his own laundry. But I’ve always dealt with everything. Why would he want to leave?

I know it will be good for him. I know he needs to do this, even if he doesn’t want to. It’s just that when I was his age, I’d been on my own for about 3 years, a long way from my family, and I was fearless. I had no fear that my life wouldn’t work out the way I wanted. (And it didn’t, but I had no fear about it anyway, lol.)

Then there are the logistics of he and I moving. If the house sells quickly, I’m afraid the closing date will fall in the middle of June which will be a problem for me. We are going to VA in early June, to have a memorial for my mother, and bury her remains next to my dad. In the middle of June son is going to Las Vegas to a music festival he’s been planning for a year. He’ll be gone a week. I am afraid I will be packing up the house before he’s gone. I will have to insist on the end of June for the earliest closing date, if I should get an offer. That’s all, I guess.

I had hoped to drive out to CO with him, and help him get settled. And then come back and drive myself to FL. That would be ideal. I don’t want him going by himself. He’s nervous enough as it is. The alternative is, he could come to FL with me, and we could drive to CO from there.

I guess I should stop worrying about it, and just deal with one thing at a time, as it comes. Duh. Stay in the moment. I may not even get an offer til June, and not close til July some time. I need to trust the universe to work it out in my behalf.

Actually, I think this is all that has unsettled me this morning, lol. Aside from the fact that my arthritis in my hands woke me in the middle of the night and I had to get up and take a couple ibuprofen. Louise Hay says problems with hands, wrists and elbows all have to do with handling new experiences and changes well, easily. That makes sense. I had the trauma of my relationship ending, and now this move to Florida, which, while I want it to happen, is anything but easy.

I didn’t handle the relationship ending at all well. For a long time I thought it would kill me. It took me 6 months to see the reality, the truth. To move on and away from it, from him. To see him for the who he is. That’s not to be putting him down, either. It’s just a fact. It was all about him, and always will be all about him. He’ll always be someone, too, who cannot stand up and be counted. It’s not my issue to deal with, it’s just a fact. It’s not what I want in a man. To know that, in my heart, allows me to let go easily. He was another life lesson. That’s all.

As for the moving…I’m not nervous about it being the right thing. It’s just resettling my son so that he’s comfortable and the logistics of the whole thing. It’s overwhelming to have to do it all by myself. It’s the way it is though, so I will just plug away at it.

I need to be grateful, I think. So here’s the list.

Grateful for:

My health

My son’s health

My sister and brother-in-law, and all they’ve done to help me.

The rest of my family.

My friends.

The financial ability to make the dream a reality.

My lovely home here, which I will miss.

That it will be 70 and sunny today.

Ok, feel better already. Love and light everyone.

Sunday Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

challenges

The weather here has retreated back to winter for a few days.  An Alberta Clipper dumped a few inches of snow on us in a very short time this morning, and now has stopped.  Yesterday it was warm and rainy, typical spring weather.  Like me, the weather can’t quite let go of the past, yet, knows that the best is yet to come. 

Still, I know that the past is not what I want. And the future is so bright, right now.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. Well…not getting to sleep, staying asleep. I think, left-over emotions from Maggie’s passing. She was the first living being that I have stood by, watching as she left this world little by little. Letting her go, little by little. And grateful, when her time came, that she was no longer in pain. Grateful that she had been in my life for these last 8 ½ years, to comfort me when I most needed it, to love me when the darkness came, when the fear for and missing of my son overwhelmed me. When the illusion of being loved was no longer an option. When the person who loved me the best, the most, the longest, the purest, left this world.

Honestly, she would hear me cry, and hop up on the bed, and lay on the pillow next to me, resting herself on my arm, or hand, purring loudly. She was my constant companion, where I was, she was. When she heard my mediation music go on in the morning, she would jump up on the couch, walk around me, rub her head against my cheek, and lay down beside me purring, as I drifted into the space between the words. She always greeted me by the door when I came home, having been alerted that I was home by the garage door opening. It will take me some time not to be looking for her to race up the stairs ahead of me, and then sit in the bathroom, waiting for me to turn on the water in the sink for her drink.

Watching her slide into the void, sharing that experience with her, felt like an honor. She was here, she slowly drifted away. She seemed afraid in moments, she was calmed by my voice and my hand petting her head gently. My son too, throughout her last night, came up to check on her often. He brought her food and water bowls in the room where I had made her a bed, he took food out of the bowl and put it by her head, trying to will her to eat a little.

Her loss, brought up the other losses, of the last few months. I work my way through all those emotions, again, and wonder when they will just be memories, and not arouse pain, or longing, or wistfulness. When I will just miss those people, without attachment to their loss. When will all the working through will be done.

I have found that missing someone is easier than losing them. Most of the time, I can miss those who are gone from my life, and it is just an undercurrent of my life. Part of who I am, what makes me the unique person I am. But another loss, makes a new crack, and before the light fills it, the emotions all pour out of the crack, into my heart. When they are done, finished, the light will fill the crack, I will have a greater glow than before.

The people we have loved will always live on in our hearts, they will always have a place there. The energy connections remain, a comforting hum in the cacophonous din of the world.

Love and light….

Thoughts on Healing

Posted on by learning to live like water

Healing

I’ve had a lot of thoughts about healing in the last 24 hours. This is just me, working out my thoughts.

In the circles I run in, “emotional healing” is a big deal.  It is what we are always doing.  Sometimes with a narrow focus, like trying to get over a failed love affair, or the loss of someone close to us.  Often though, to heal from these things, we find out we have to dig deeper.  Sometimes the healing is very broad, it encompasses all of our pain, and comes down to the base idea that we have decided we are separate from the one great thing. That concept, that idea in itself, is faulty and will lead to all kinds of emotional angst.

In my case, it is easy to understand why I grieve and and have healing to do from the loss of the people and animals I have loved, who have moved on to the next level.  The healing there is just really adjusting to life without them, but knowing they are in truly a better place, and haven’t really left us.

Getting over a love that didn’t work out makes me go deeper, and ask questions.

Why was I so attracted to this person?  Why did I ignore the red flags?  Why did I allow him to treat me so badly?  (And by allow, I mean, stick around continually after he did it?) Why did I think so little of myself?  And, finally….what did I learn?

These same questions can be asked in a million different situations, which have made us unhappy.

I really believe that our soul’s purpose in this life, (which makes it our purpose….our only real purpose) is to learn the karmic lessons we have agreed to learn, so that our souls can evolve. I believe that this is the definition of karma….that if we don’t learn these lessons they will keep repeating until we do. That can become, what goes around comes around. But I don’t believe karma is about paying for it if you do something which harms yourself or someone else. That just perpetuates a negative cycle. I think it’s more about learning, and evolving. I think if you learn the lesson and truly change your path, then the lesson is learned, and won’t come around to bite you. The payback, if there is any, is the pain you feel when you truly understand the damage you did and truly feel remorse over it. Empathy, to understand how another feels. The pain you feel, if you are truly changing and learning and evolving, will cause you to do all you can to repair the damage done by your false ego.

The three R’s…recognition, remorse, repair.

The universe, the great consciousness of which we are all part, is unconditional love. Unconditional…..meaning, you don’t have to do anything except exist to have it.  It is not earned, or given, and can’t be taken away.  Unconditional.  That one great thing, wants you to remember you are part of it, and that we are all so connected. That if you hurt, I hurt. If you hurt someone, you hurt everyone. If you love someone, truly unconditional love, not selfish ego-boosting pretend love…then everyone benefits from the extension of that love.

(If this sounds like lessons from A Course in Miracles, it probably is, lol.)

S has said to me a few times since the truth became known, “I know I’m going to pay 5 lifetimes for what I did to you.” (I’m using this as an example only, not to be talking about him. It’s just such a clear illustration of the kind of faulty thinking that separates.) But he didn’t change, he kept doing it, or attempting to, until she and I put a stop to it. Even though he’s not doing it now, as far as I know, he has not been able to feel empathy for what he did to she and I, he has not repaired the damage, at least not with me.  He has run from the implications.  He left it, with the lies that were exposed, acknowledged.  But there were more in the works. Lies about the things that can’t be proved, but are known.  About feelings, and motivations.  I believe it’s just a matter of time until his ego forces him back into the same lesson, over again. Not to be berating him, but to see him. My heart aches for him to keep living this lesson over and over again.

He recognized, but there was no true remorse, and no real attempt to repair. When push came to shove, he couldn’t cross over, and stick with it. (I think it is in large part because admitting it, and truly seeing it causes so much shame that it becomes easier to continue rather than face it. Short term gain, vs long term ramifications.) So…yes, he will continue to experience the same lesson over and over, because he is a narcissist, who puts his ego ahead of everything else. He once told me the only reason he hadn’t finished himself off was because he had so much fear that the next life would be worse than this one.

As if he had no control over that. As if, he couldn’t change his life and his thinking right now…..and alter his path. Imagine being such a slave to your ego, that you would keep causing yourself the same pain over and over at it’s direction. As if the unconditional love of the universe would hold a grudge. The universe simply wants us to evolve. That loving energy is not hell-bent for revenge, or punishment. It’s hell bent for us to evolve into more loving, caring beings. The ego, on the other hand, uses fear to drive us. Why anyone would want to live their life in fear instead of love, when the choice is made clear to them, is beyond me.  But we have a choice, because we have free will.  To learn the lesson, or not.

So…healing, for all of us, I think, is a matter of peeling back the layers, one at a time. As humans, there is always another layer. We are, after all, spiritual beings having a human experience. Healing is evolving. Evolving, to me, is why we are here.

Love and light, and sweet healing, to all.