Stream of Consciousness: Men. LOL.

Stream of consciousness……da duh da duh da duh…..

Men.

My ex.

I had to talk to him this week, in the midst of all the chaos of the grand opening and the drama of Scott. He never signed a quitclaim for the deed to our slip, which I got in the divorce. I have sold it, but can’t complete the transaction until he does this. So I called him to ask him to please do it, and he said he would, but that means nothing. He is a worse game player than Scott, I think. I will probably have to threaten him with contempt of court to get him to actually execute the quitclaim. I have a court order from a few years ago that if he is back in court for not following the judge’s orders following our divorce trial, he will go to jail, because he messed with it so much. But that’s who he is. A pathologic liar and sick sociopath. I don’t know if he’s still drinking or not. He said he needs to call me back because he has some issues to discuss. I said, what issues…we’ve been divorced 8 years. I have always said that he still thinks I’m his wife, somehow…..I don’t want to have another conversation with him. But I also know he’ll probably never call me back, lol. It’s not my first go ’round with him either. However, the 10 minute conversation I had with him was exhausting, as it always is. Circular, difficult, can’t be heard, can’t be acknowledged, and he lies, about everything, just to be lying.

Scott.

So wonderful to have freedom from the chaos of Scott. I am not gonna say anything else because I’ve already spent too much time and thought and emotion on this relationship in the last week, and it’s over.

Lou, L.

God, I like him so much. I think I could easily fall in love with him. I feel like the above drama with S though, spent my emotional energy away from focusing on a relationship with Lou, toward ending one with Scott. It just feels that the connection with Lou has weakened. I hope that I have not energetically sabotaged it. I hope that now that I have closed the door on Scott, that it will reopen the energetic door with Lou. There’s no concrete reason I feel this way, but intuitively, I’m just feeling that we’ve backed away from each other. I’m not pushing it. If I hear from him, I’ll be happy. If I don’t, I’ll still be happy and know that the Universe is still working in my behalf and has not yet brought the exact right guy to me. There are some things that put me off a bit, actually. He’s way more conservative than me. I don’t think he likes to think about things deeply, which right now is a godsend. I am sick of having to go so deep to figure a situation out, and then still feeling confused and chaotic about it. Lou is much more “what you see is what you get.” And, what I saw when I made him dinner, I liked. It was light and breezy, and easy. But at some point, it may frustrate me, to be with someone who shys away from the hard conversations. He goes home a lot to Ohio, which might be a problem at some point, but I also admire his commitment to his kids to help them start this business and make sure it gets off the ground on the exact right footing. That’s just cool. Just saying….I don’t know if that adds up to having a real relationship. But I’m just gonna go with the flow on this one. However the universe takes it, is ok with me. Surrender is becoming easier.

Chuck.

Chuck is an artist I met Friday when he brought in his incredible artwork for the gallery opening. I did not talk to him much at all then, I was just way too busy. Yesterday he came into the gallery I spent the day in, and we began a conversation as he looked at the three original panels used for the granite wall Vietnam Memorial in Tampa. He is a Viet Nam vet. And and incredible artist. And tall, and good looking and kind. One of those people who just is not afraid to be vulnerable. (It’s hard to be a good artist if you’re afrid to be vulnerable, but that’s another blog. Maybe though, that’s why I like artist types so much.) We talked for 20 minutes, maybe a half hour. About my friend the curator, and her physical ailments and how she just pushes through them. How she and I grew up together on the banks of the Mississippi. About movies, and the art therapy mission of the Veterans Art Center, about Gulfport, and CT. Finally, the gallery began to get busy again, and I had to focus my attention on other people’s questions, etc. He said he was going to go check out the other galleries, but we exchanged names, and both said we’d enjoyed talking, and he held my arm for a moment, and said, “ talk to you again….” Not that there were big sparks, or anything. But I did realize that if it doesn’t work with Lou, it could work with someone else. That I don’t need to be feeling bad if the universe directs me and Lou apart. Just gave me a lift. I have a feeling that I may see him again, at the gallery, or at something to do with it.

My horoscope for yesterday (I didn’t read it til this morning, lol) said I might meet the love of my life yesterday, unless I already had. I don’t know if that statement, or either of them is true, but I do believe I will meet that person. My medium said by October, she feels I’ll be in a relationship. I hope she’s right. I think I’m ready to really have that happen.

Love and light, again.

Being Intentional

My book club has been reading Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukov. It’s a small group, 5 of us. The book has a couple of chapters on intentions, and how important it is that we mindfully set intentions.

I first began to learn about intentions during my divorce. During that time I was seeking any and all information that could help me find my way through the minefield of ending a 40 year relationship, a 32 year marriage, and keep my head centered and grounded, and not get caught up in the vortex of negative emotions that surrounded it.

I’m not sure where or how the idea of setting intentions came to me. But at some point during the divorce I stopped thinking about how things were (scary, lonely, broke, sad, missing my son) and instead thinking about what I wanted them to be (my son with me, in my own beautiful sunlit home). I stopped wishing that my ex would get hit by a bus, and began dreaming about shopping for furniture.

4 years after I started that chaotic process, I had a beautiful home, on the side of a hill where the property is bordered by tall trees, and the sun shines through my skylights and warms my soul. My son and I have been very happy here.

So, I’m proof that intentions can work.

I started with parking places. Driving to the grocery store, or Walmart,I got in the habit of saying “I will get a good parking space. I will get a good parking space.” It has almost always worked. If, driving to work, I set the intention that the day would go smoothly, it often would.

Now….as with others in my book club, I don’t know what my intentions are. I watched Oprah say that after she read Seat of the Soul, she insisted that every show she did had an intention. So what are mine now?

To finish and publish my book, and have at least a few people who don’t know me buy it. To be able to retire comfortably in a warmer climate, and to spend my days making jewelry, writing, reading, performing reiki for people. Near or on a beach, listening to the sound of the waves, watching dolphins, collecting shells, eating fresh fruit and veggies, and maybe, if I really do it right, having the company of a special man to share it all with.

The thing is, I’m blessed with a wonderful life. My divorce was hard, contentious, drawn out, emotional. The same as all divorces. But I was blessed to have a wonderful close knit group of friends who saw me through it. Who helped me grow, who included me always. Like I told a friend at book club, I had a wonderful life the second I left that house where everything was broken down, let go, ad falling apart. The marriage was just one more thing that didn’t work anymore. The minute I was out, friends were at the door with the movers to help me begin my new life.

But back to intentions. Should I be setting them for some loftier goal? World peace maybe?

I think I have to, we all have to, listen to our hearts. To our gut. And follow our passion. Every thought we have affects the whole. Today I saw a video that a Korean woman had set up an experiment to show how her emotions affected water in bowls set out around here in a pattern of sacred geometry. It clearly showed how we our thoughts and emotions ripple outward.

The thing is, it would be easy to set a negative intention without even knowing you were doing it. If, for instance, you wake up dreading your day, thinking about what is going to go wrong at work, it probably will. We had an order at work that just went bad. First we got the wrong product. Then the right product got stuck in customs, then left behind at the UPS facility, twice, extra security scans…yada yada yada. I was saying to my boss, boy when an order goes wrong it really goes wrong.

But did it go wrong because we expected it to? It’s so easy, and is external ego power like Gary Zukov says, to find fault with others and play the blame game and expect it all to go bad. But was it partially caused by our acceptance, our expectation, that it would go bad?

As for world peace….well, I tend to believe that our souls choose these lives to learn specific lessons. And for some reason I don’t think the lesson I came here to learn was how to achieve world peace. But perhaps it was, how to achieve inner peace.

So, for now, I will continue setting intentions for finishing and publishing my book, for retiring where it is warm, for spending my days doing things that are a passion for me, and with, hopefully, someone who I’m passionate about and who is passionate about me.