On Not Having to Explain Myself

The other day, when I was at my sisters, she said, again, lol, how she didn’t realize how much it would mean to her to have me so close by. I think for me, it’s been different than for her. I KNEW how much it would mean to me, hell, I wouldn’t have moved here if she wasn’t here. I only knew her and my one friend from childhood. When you move a great distance, you think about those things.

My sis has lived here with her husband, in the winter for 8 years. She has a base here, close friendships. My appearance in her life was one more of them. But we both have realized how awesome it is to have each other. To have someone in your life on a regular basis who lived through your childhood together, who knew how you grew up, experienced all that you experienced. To have someone in your life regularly to whom you don’t have to explain who you are. It’s amazing really.

This morning, I was making my coffee, and thought about how all three of us, my older and younger sisters, and me, drink our coffee the same way. Cream only, and not too much of it. (Although my younger sister, now mostly vegan probably gave up the cream.) I thought about my little sister’s visit in about 10 days. Thought about how cool it will be to go out to lunch with both my sisters, just the 3 of us.

Of course, then I always think about how blessed we were to grow up in the Norman Rockwell life we did. Two parents who loved each other, in a small town in Iowa, in a 100 year old house 3 blocks from the Mississippi River. Days spent on that river together, where at least my older sis and I learned to water-ski, behind our 16′ boat. Minor league baseball games with my dad.

Mostly, and I’ve written about this many times, never ever going to bed wondering if our parents loved us. My God, what a gift that is to give your children. The people I know who did not have that foundation, that gift, of unconditional love have striven for it their whole lives, don’t believe it exists, and have built incredible walls and acted out in harmful ways to ease the pain of a child who doesn’t believe they are worthy of love.

I’m trying to finish up the stuff I need to get done with the house before my little sis comes here. I look at the diamond shaped window in my front door, and the round stained glass flower that this sister made for me which fits exactly in the center of it.

I feel so much peace lately. So much more than I’ve felt in years. My sisters and I hanging out together. The spark of a relationship that has the possibility of becoming something very special, without all the pain and drama and ugliness of my marriage and last relationship. A cute little house in a place where 60 is cold weather. And not having to go to work. Good, close friends. One of them who is almost like my sisters, who has known me forever, and to whom I never have to explain myself. It’s coincidental that the other day L was telling me a story from his youth, and said, oh yes, when I get together with my old friends, it’s still one of the stories we talk about.  Then he asked me, “do you have any friends that you’ve been friends with forever, like that?”  I told him “Oh yeah, in fact last weekend I had 3 girls staying with me and we’ve all been best friends since we were 13.”  He remarked how nice it is to have people in your life who knew you forever, that you never have to explain who you are to, who just know you.  It’s frigging amazing, really.

I have said so many times in the last couple of years, that I believe my purpose on this earth is to learn lessons and evolve my soul. I still believe that. The last couple of years though, I’ve added a caveat to that which is, that my lessons become easy lessons. I’ve had enough of the hard ones. I think I really have. Right now, it seems easy. I mean, the hardest thing that’s happened in a long time is having to set up a new cell phone, LOL. It feels like the Universe has listened, as if the intentions I set are manifesting.

Love and light to everyone.

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Some Things Need to End, So Others Can Begin

It’s been a quiet day for me on this blog. I had a bunch of stuff that was unresolved, didn’t want to really blog about it. Stuff that’s been rolling around for a few days, maybe even 2 weeks. Anyway, I’ve been bombarded by some energetic stuff lately, and it was making me a little crazy. So I talked to my good friend who is a medium, and a psychic, and Karuna II Reiki master, Tarot card reader. It’s how she makes a living. I have known her about 8 or 9 years, we are close. This morning, instead of writing, I asked her for a reading on some of the issues I was having. We talked for over an hour, and she refused to charge me.

The rest of the day, I spent sorting out the information I got. It’s very personal, I can’t go into it here, but I’ll just say that I felt relieved and melancholy when we were done. What she said made perfect sense to me. And the overall message was, stay the course. Stay it with my personal life, with my creativity, with the way I am creating my life down here. And also acceptance of what is, and nurturing myself.

She also talked about how it’s the new moon Thursday. I knew it was soon, had lost track of the fact that it is Thursday. Time to set new intentions. Especially this month. January is of course a 1, the first month. The year, 2017, also reduces to a 1. 1’s are new beginnings, time to start new projects, new relationships. So a good part of my day has been spend creating a list of intentions. I told her I was going to write them down.

Speaking of relationships, last night I sent a text to the man I had lunch with yesterday, thanking him for the lunch and the laughs, telling him I had a lot of fun and look forward to doing it again. This morning I got a text from him with his correct phone number. He’d told me he would do that, since the phone he’d been using was not his, his had been being repaired. Then when I got to my sisters, he called me, after asking in a text if he could. So sweet, well mannnered. But funny!!! OMG, we laughed the whole time. We seem to get each other’s sense of humor. Anyway, it was a nice surprise, to have him call.

I got to my sisters about 3:45. We went in the pool which was at 90. It was not real warm today, probably in the low 70’s. But the pool was nice. And we spent a long time in her hot tub with a glass of red wine! LOL. It’s a rough life, lol. I made a pot roast in the crock pot yesterday and brought it with me, so we didn’t have to cook dinner, we just heated it up. It was delicious!!!

So, life is still good. I’m enjoying my sister and brother-in-law, it’s been about 3 weeks maybe since I’ve seen them. Feeling my mother’s presence so much today. Interesting day, and a good one. Many things I need to put to rest, so I can move forward with the new moon. I think I can do it now.

Love and light, all.

Throwing Stuff At The Wall to See What Sticks

throw shit

I went to Star Wars this afternoon with my 23 yr old son.  We went out to eat before to the Texas Roadhouse and got these humongous burgers which neither of us finished.  Then on to the movie in 3D at the Imax theater.

It was so good.  I am not a sci-fi fan.  I’m really not,even Avatar didn’t strike a cord with me.  But Star Wars always has, since I saw the first one almost 40 years ago.  I took my son when he was 4.  I remembered during the movie driving to 5 different Toys R Us stores looking for a storm trooper’s gun for Christmas.

I think it’s the movie’s epic battle of clearly defined good vs. evil, of light vs dark.  And the humanness of it.  This movie was not a disappointment.  And the 3D Imax combination was incredible, and so comfortable!  Lots of legroom, high seat backs so you can rest your head.

I was thinking about coincidences today.  Like, I don’t believe there are any.  I think people come together for specific purposes, even if we can’t understand what those are.  I think things happen because they are supposed to.

For instance, Scott put his FB page back up long before Betty came back into his life, but didn’t tell me.  I just didn’t go looking for one, because it wasn’t there when I first looked, and I believed him (unearned trust…) that he didn’t have one.  But he put it back up, risking that I’d see it.  He left the comment by Betty up, on the picture of his friend.  Risking that I’d find out who she was.  I didn’t find it for 6  or 7 months, but it seems out of character for a man who was so concerned about me using his first name in a blog, and so concerned about security, to have put that up and left it up, not to be concerned whether or not I found it.

I think, subconsciously, he wanted me to find it.  He had to know I’d figure out who she was.  He had to know I’d demand she be told.   It may be that he thought I loved him so much that I couldn’t say no to him.  It may have been a miscalculation, that he didn’t believe I could make him tell Betty.  I don’t think he thought I could stand up for what I believed.  He tried pretty hard to engage me after I knew about her, to get me to see him then.

I think that he thought, probably subconsciously, that it would be the easy way out for him.  A big blow up when I found it and then I’d be gone, and he’d live happily ever after with Betty.

I didn’t find it until we’d already broken up, so I already knew about her when I found his page.  I suppose he thought he was home safe.  Apparently he thought I’d just “let it be” (his consistent advice whenever something bothered me. “Can’t you just let it be?”).   No. I couldn’t.  I wanted the pieces to fit together.  I wanted the whole demise of our relationship to make sense, because I was trying so hard to do everything in my power to make it work, and I couldn’t.  I also know that the truth will always bubble up. I’m patient that way.

Only a narcissist would be so clueless to other people’s feelings that he wouldn’t imagine my reaction.  Only a narcissist wouldn’t consider the way it would devastate me, would break me, would rip my life apart.  Narcissists are so incredibly self-absorbed and self-important.    Apparently he didn’t think that discovering the depth of his lies and deceit would make me determined not to stand idly by while he lived a lie with her.  I was not going to be an accomplice to his deception.  Nor was I going to allow him to misrepresent to her the relationship that we had.

But I do think that he left the FB page up intentionally, so that I’d find it.  He’s got a way of throwing shit at a wall and seeing what sticks.  He just didn’t realize how much shit would stick to this wall.  He couldn’t be bothered to break up with me in a humane way, and sent me a text where he blurted out the truth. But he couldn’t be bothered to tell Betty in a humane way either.  He called her, on the phone.  Wasn’t about to go face either of us and our pain that he was 100% responsible for.

Narcissism.  It really blows my mind how they can detach from what they’re doing to everyone else, and be concerned only with getting what they want.  They don’t care what they say, what they do, who they hurt along the way.  Just mind-blowing. I never realized how many people there are who have absolutely no moral compass.

What a way to waste this one sweet life we are given.

 

New Moon

Image result for New Moon

Tomorrow is the new moon.  The day of the month that the dark side of the moon faces the earth.  It is a time to set intentions about what you want to bring into your life.  It’s a time to be introspective, and commit to a new vision.

I am thinking about my intention.  Where do I go from here?  There is no S, only a friendship with A.  With my ex there is just the old stand-off.  I have a good life, all in all. But Ive taken a set back in the recent months.  I have been writing obsessively, trying to get back on my feet.

Inexplicably, I still miss S from time to time.  The S I knew, the one that really never was. I guess for about 6 months he was this guy, because he was consistently this guy, day in and day out.  Then the man just disappeared, he morphed into the old S, the one I never knew that I only heard stories about. The guy I loved was so cool.  But, he was my fantasy.  It was fun to live while I lived it.  When it crashed and burned it almost killed me though.

A….God, he is the sweetest man I’ve ever met.  He is all about me, all the time, but there are some things, that don’t bother me from 2000 miles away, that would bother me day to day.  Still…I was so loathe to hurt him today.  He told me he was “giddy” at the thought of spending 2 weeks with me.  There are times when I really want to “rest in his love” as he put it…but it just feels dishonest.  I can’t reciprocate that kind of love.

Back to my intentions.

  1. To stop obsessing about any of these men. Wasting a lot of energy on it, and there is nothing workable there.
  2. Open my sacral chakra back up.  It’s been closed since S has been out of my life.  It is where our sexuality is centered, but also, where our creativity is.  I’m going to work on opening my creativity back up.  Put that energy that I’ve been stifling because it made me miss him so much, into something productive, and beautiful.  Something that is uniquely me.
  3. To stop beating myself up as not good enough.  Rejection is so hard to take, when you’ve given all you have and then some.   I’ve been working on this, but I still find myself going there occasionally.  I suppose time and distance will help to resolve those emotions. But so will setting an intention on the New Moon.
  4. To begin open my heart to allowing in someone new, someone who wants what I want, can make me laugh but not cry, and love passionately. I’m a little afraid, really….to put myself out there at the moment.  So, one of my intentions will be to let go the fear that comes from hitting the floor so hard.

I have had a lump in my throat all day, since I talked to my ex this morning.  Not because I loved him or wanted him, but to see what he’s done to his life is just so sad.  Then I think about S, and how much he’s like my ex, and what he’s doing to his life with all the lies and deceit that are so unnecessary.  Especially with me.  I was like the girl in Jerry Maguire “You had me at hello.”  He didn’t need to hide or embellish.  He was so lovable just as he was.  But then, no one really knows him, so I can only say I loved that man that I knew.  I think I knew the most honest version of him that anyone did.  But that man’s gone now, so I let my love for him go with him, out into the universe.

Anyway, new moon. New intentions.  I have a first phone call with a seemingly nice man tomorrow night.  I hope he isn’t boring! He doesn’t seem so in his messages.  Seems willing to jump into the arena and be seen.

Maybe the new moon is a good time for that first phone call.

Being Intentional

My book club has been reading Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukov. It’s a small group, 5 of us. The book has a couple of chapters on intentions, and how important it is that we mindfully set intentions.

I first began to learn about intentions during my divorce. During that time I was seeking any and all information that could help me find my way through the minefield of ending a 40 year relationship, a 32 year marriage, and keep my head centered and grounded, and not get caught up in the vortex of negative emotions that surrounded it.

I’m not sure where or how the idea of setting intentions came to me. But at some point during the divorce I stopped thinking about how things were (scary, lonely, broke, sad, missing my son) and instead thinking about what I wanted them to be (my son with me, in my own beautiful sunlit home). I stopped wishing that my ex would get hit by a bus, and began dreaming about shopping for furniture.

4 years after I started that chaotic process, I had a beautiful home, on the side of a hill where the property is bordered by tall trees, and the sun shines through my skylights and warms my soul. My son and I have been very happy here.

So, I’m proof that intentions can work.

I started with parking places. Driving to the grocery store, or Walmart,I got in the habit of saying “I will get a good parking space. I will get a good parking space.” It has almost always worked. If, driving to work, I set the intention that the day would go smoothly, it often would.

Now….as with others in my book club, I don’t know what my intentions are. I watched Oprah say that after she read Seat of the Soul, she insisted that every show she did had an intention. So what are mine now?

To finish and publish my book, and have at least a few people who don’t know me buy it. To be able to retire comfortably in a warmer climate, and to spend my days making jewelry, writing, reading, performing reiki for people. Near or on a beach, listening to the sound of the waves, watching dolphins, collecting shells, eating fresh fruit and veggies, and maybe, if I really do it right, having the company of a special man to share it all with.

The thing is, I’m blessed with a wonderful life. My divorce was hard, contentious, drawn out, emotional. The same as all divorces. But I was blessed to have a wonderful close knit group of friends who saw me through it. Who helped me grow, who included me always. Like I told a friend at book club, I had a wonderful life the second I left that house where everything was broken down, let go, ad falling apart. The marriage was just one more thing that didn’t work anymore. The minute I was out, friends were at the door with the movers to help me begin my new life.

But back to intentions. Should I be setting them for some loftier goal? World peace maybe?

I think I have to, we all have to, listen to our hearts. To our gut. And follow our passion. Every thought we have affects the whole. Today I saw a video that a Korean woman had set up an experiment to show how her emotions affected water in bowls set out around here in a pattern of sacred geometry. It clearly showed how we our thoughts and emotions ripple outward.

The thing is, it would be easy to set a negative intention without even knowing you were doing it. If, for instance, you wake up dreading your day, thinking about what is going to go wrong at work, it probably will. We had an order at work that just went bad. First we got the wrong product. Then the right product got stuck in customs, then left behind at the UPS facility, twice, extra security scans…yada yada yada. I was saying to my boss, boy when an order goes wrong it really goes wrong.

But did it go wrong because we expected it to? It’s so easy, and is external ego power like Gary Zukov says, to find fault with others and play the blame game and expect it all to go bad. But was it partially caused by our acceptance, our expectation, that it would go bad?

As for world peace….well, I tend to believe that our souls choose these lives to learn specific lessons. And for some reason I don’t think the lesson I came here to learn was how to achieve world peace. But perhaps it was, how to achieve inner peace.

So, for now, I will continue setting intentions for finishing and publishing my book, for retiring where it is warm, for spending my days doing things that are a passion for me, and with, hopefully, someone who I’m passionate about and who is passionate about me.