Throwing Stuff At The Wall to See What Sticks

throw shit

I went to Star Wars this afternoon with my 23 yr old son.  We went out to eat before to the Texas Roadhouse and got these humongous burgers which neither of us finished.  Then on to the movie in 3D at the Imax theater.

It was so good.  I am not a sci-fi fan.  I’m really not,even Avatar didn’t strike a cord with me.  But Star Wars always has, since I saw the first one almost 40 years ago.  I took my son when he was 4.  I remembered during the movie driving to 5 different Toys R Us stores looking for a storm trooper’s gun for Christmas.

I think it’s the movie’s epic battle of clearly defined good vs. evil, of light vs dark.  And the humanness of it.  This movie was not a disappointment.  And the 3D Imax combination was incredible, and so comfortable!  Lots of legroom, high seat backs so you can rest your head.

I was thinking about coincidences today.  Like, I don’t believe there are any.  I think people come together for specific purposes, even if we can’t understand what those are.  I think things happen because they are supposed to.

For instance, Scott put his FB page back up long before Betty came back into his life, but didn’t tell me.  I just didn’t go looking for one, because it wasn’t there when I first looked, and I believed him (unearned trust…) that he didn’t have one.  But he put it back up, risking that I’d see it.  He left the comment by Betty up, on the picture of his friend.  Risking that I’d find out who she was.  I didn’t find it for 6  or 7 months, but it seems out of character for a man who was so concerned about me using his first name in a blog, and so concerned about security, to have put that up and left it up, not to be concerned whether or not I found it.

I think, subconsciously, he wanted me to find it.  He had to know I’d figure out who she was.  He had to know I’d demand she be told.   It may be that he thought I loved him so much that I couldn’t say no to him.  It may have been a miscalculation, that he didn’t believe I could make him tell Betty.  I don’t think he thought I could stand up for what I believed.  He tried pretty hard to engage me after I knew about her, to get me to see him then.

I think that he thought, probably subconsciously, that it would be the easy way out for him.  A big blow up when I found it and then I’d be gone, and he’d live happily ever after with Betty.

I didn’t find it until we’d already broken up, so I already knew about her when I found his page.  I suppose he thought he was home safe.  Apparently he thought I’d just “let it be” (his consistent advice whenever something bothered me. “Can’t you just let it be?”).   No. I couldn’t.  I wanted the pieces to fit together.  I wanted the whole demise of our relationship to make sense, because I was trying so hard to do everything in my power to make it work, and I couldn’t.  I also know that the truth will always bubble up. I’m patient that way.

Only a narcissist would be so clueless to other people’s feelings that he wouldn’t imagine my reaction.  Only a narcissist wouldn’t consider the way it would devastate me, would break me, would rip my life apart.  Narcissists are so incredibly self-absorbed and self-important.    Apparently he didn’t think that discovering the depth of his lies and deceit would make me determined not to stand idly by while he lived a lie with her.  I was not going to be an accomplice to his deception.  Nor was I going to allow him to misrepresent to her the relationship that we had.

But I do think that he left the FB page up intentionally, so that I’d find it.  He’s got a way of throwing shit at a wall and seeing what sticks.  He just didn’t realize how much shit would stick to this wall.  He couldn’t be bothered to break up with me in a humane way, and sent me a text where he blurted out the truth. But he couldn’t be bothered to tell Betty in a humane way either.  He called her, on the phone.  Wasn’t about to go face either of us and our pain that he was 100% responsible for.

Narcissism.  It really blows my mind how they can detach from what they’re doing to everyone else, and be concerned only with getting what they want.  They don’t care what they say, what they do, who they hurt along the way.  Just mind-blowing. I never realized how many people there are who have absolutely no moral compass.

What a way to waste this one sweet life we are given.


10 responses to “Throwing Stuff At The Wall to See What Sticks

    • It’s possible. I do think that losing Betty may affect him. He always told me he hadn’t gotten over that relationship, that he thought she was “the One” even though he bold-faced lied about the reasons they broke up. Now, knowing the truth, I think he was just passing the time with me, knowing that their history was to break up for months and get back together. This time they were apart over a year, about 15 or 16 months. I have a feeling though, that she is done this time, and what he wants won’t enter into it.

      My hope, my wish, is that he would do what I encouraged him to do a number of times, which is take sometime by himself, and figure out why he behaves in ways that devastate the people who love him the most. And to figure out how he wants to live out his remaining years. I’ve told him there is still time in his lifetime to change. And I’ve told him through this blog. I hope that happens for him. But I doubt it. I don’t ever see him being able to do the right thing just because it’s the right thing. If it doesn’t serve his ego, he won’t. He can’t stand up and own his story, and then decide if his past story serves him, and change it going forward.

      I once told my ex he was going to die old and sick and all alone. I think the same will happen to Scott. They both push away the people who would most love them. And “push away” is too gentle of a description. Scott in particular, rips the hearts out of those who love him, chews it up, and spits it out. I pray that because he’s67 (almost) and has health issues anyway, that there won’t be any more unsuspecting women to fall for his pathological dysfunction.

  1. It is so hard to grasp the concept that a person can have absolutely no conscience or empathy… it is so unthinkable to us. Who can imagine hurting someone and then just… not care at all. It is an eye opening experience. I am still baffled by it though. Hugs! 💜

    • It is!!!! I am baffled, because I would see him be kind to people, and even to me, before she showed up in his life. When all this came down, He said to me “if you love someone you should love the person not what they do.” I told him he WAS what he did. And that since she cam back into his life he was not a lovable person, that his actions were cruel and selfish and hurtful, and if he wanted to be loved, he should behave in a lovable way. How he could profess to “love” her and continue doing what he was doing to her, let alone to me I’ll never ever get. But I’m glad to be able to see it, because it keeps me from missing him at all.

      • I believe they can be kind, but not genuinely feel it like we do… I believe their kindness almost always serves a purpose, securing new narcissistic supply, or keeping up a “good guy” façade for the people around them. My narcissist was Mr. Good Guy himself, outwards towards everyone… he was in fact obsessed with his good guy image…. I would guess 99 per cent of the time the kindness is for the image and nothing else… 😕

        • Oh yeah. And it’s also to convince themselves that they are kind and good and loving. They can devastate those who love them and then say “but I was really good to this stranger, so I am kind”. He used to say “I have feelings too.” In reference to the idea that I should feel sorry for him because he lost something too. Lol. Yes he lost something because of his own actions. He cheated on me and her, lied, deceived, got caught and lost us both. Lol. Feel sorry for him. That’s hysterical isn’t it? Geezus.

          • Loool! Exactly the words of my ex narcissist!! “I have feelings too”… i used to think; oh yeah? Really?” Think about it, a person that HAS feelings, do they have to actually use that particular phrase to show they have feelings? (Sort of like; good people do not go around saying what a good person they are, they show it in their actions! Lol). The “I have feelings too” is nothing else than a pity ploy. And an attempt to manipulate even more. Feelings my a*s. The only feeling my ex had was a feeling of the “high” he got when he could manipulate me or get a new woman interested in him. Sorry apparently I got really riled up by that phrase hahaha😄 must have heard it too many times. 💜

  2. I think that’s why we stay stuck for so long, trying to figure out how they could behave that way as it’s just so alien to us.

    In reading HG Tudor’s books, I’ve realised there’s a very definitive pattern to the narc’s behaviour, including, would you believe, pulling you in even closer before ultimately discarding you. That’s done to cause maximum devastation that they can bask in.

    Glad you enjoyed the film – I’ve never watched a Star Wars movie (or a Bond one!). x

    • OH YES, I’d believe that! Because he did. He picked the very moment when I felt the safest, the most understood, the most in love with him I ever was, wanted him the most I ever did, when I was the most sure that my expectations would come true to tell me, and devastate me in the most childish, immature, adolescent way possible. It was definitely like being pushed off a cliff and free falling 1000 feet. It was cruel. and then, wouldn’t stop calling me, texting me, would not let me go. In the next week I got at least 10 blocked voice mails. Completely crushed me, and then wouldn’t let me go.

      The movie was wonderful. There is such a human story to star wars, and they do such a magnificent job tying it all together. I love that the epic battles end with the right side winning. Every message in the movie is the right one, and it heartens me that people of all ages are so attracted to this series, that is all about light vs dark, and good vs terrible evil, and that the light always prevails.

      How does a Scottish girl never see James Bond???? LOL>

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