Just Wondering, WTF Was I Thinking?

wtf

I guess that phantom phone call got me thinking, about WTF I was thinking for so long….

It seems long ago now, suddenly. How much I loved a man, and how much I was betrayed. What strikes me this morning is I am trying to fathom what I was thinking, then. To love someone so much who will never love anyone but themselves. And that, only superficially.

I say superficially because this man doesn’t love himself enough to behave in ways that make him proud. He doesn’t love himself enough to take care of himself. He doesn’t do the things in a relationship that take care of it. He only makes sure he is getting his needs met, which translates to getting his ego fed. If he meets the needs of the other person, it is as part of trying to get his needs met, it’s not out of genuine care and concern. And I think that’s true across the board for him. I think he may use different ploys for different people, but it remains the truth. I’ve watched him.  I’ve also watched him pursue behaviors that result in reinforcing his low self esteem, setting himself up so he can say, “see, it’s all I deserve.  I’m a bad person.”

So anyway, I’m just wondering now, with all this time passed, WTF I was thinking? I’m not angry, I don’t dislike him. I have said over and over I will always love him, and, well, I guess I will. But I love everyone, or try to. Him no more or less than anyone else at the moment. But what I was thinking? IDK, do you think when you’re in love? He had lots of lovable qualities, I guess. The first being that he could make me laugh. He was funny, creative, smart. We had a wonderful physical connection. But he was completely self absorbed. When push came to shove it was always him first. He treated me so badly at times, and I just kept coming back for more, believing that he just needed experience unconditional love.

I guess the distance between us now, the physical distance has given me some perspective. I guess that move has enabled me to meet men who are funny, creative, smart, AND kind, gentle, loving, and generous. Men who try to take care of themselves and their loved ones. Men who squeeze your hand when they’re happy, sitting at a table with you. Men who behave in ways that will keep drama out of their lives, and people in.

Since I believe that our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls, I guess he was another life lesson for me. Now, far enough away from it, the complete lesson is coming into focus. At least part of it is, I think, to know that I can love that passionately, that fiercely, that deeply. That’s a good thing to know. He was practice. I’m sure there’s a man here who can match my ability to love, and celebrate it.

I suppose, based on the phantom phone call dream, that the connection we have had will remain, but will probably remain dormant. It originates on a level I can’t really comprehend, and will most likely always be there, but will not take over my life anymore. Life is for living in the present moment. His journey is his now, and mine is mine, and the paths have diverged far apart. That’s the present moment.

Glad to be moved on from all that. Stomach bug and car accident not withstanding, I’m very happy with the move I’ve made. It was 85 yesterday and I was at the beach. Not dressed in multiple layers and still shivering, lamenting the fact that I was burning up a ton of fuel oil. Yep, life is good, and exactly what I’ve dreamed of.

Love and light, all.

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When a Narcissist Is In Your Bed

Every morning I sit down at the computer, watch the sun come up, and read my email. During the week it’s “Notes from the Universe” that I read first, but I don’t get them on weekends. So I was perusing the multitude of stuff and found this, from Oprah.com

I don’t often write about clinical narcissism. I’ve read a lot of it, but haven’t discussed it too much here. I’ve discussed a LOT falling for and being mad crazy in love with a narcissist though. This morning, there was an article titled “How to Deal with the Narcissist in Your Life.” It is written by Jeffrey Kluger, The author of The Narcissist Next Door: Understanding the Monster in Your Family, in Your Office, in Your Bed—in Your World and he explains how to deal…without destroying yourself.

He listed the 5 places you find them, in your life. The first 2 had to do with work, in the bosses office or the cubicle next door. I didn’t read those, lol. I stopped at #3, “In your bed”. The first advice was this: Get out of bed. Run away. Don’t look back. Any questions?”

That just made me laugh so hard. It is so true. Because boy, had I recognized it, I would have done that. I knew better. I thought I’d share what else he has to say about it. It’s good information, for anyone who deals with a narc, and it’s not a long read, just a few paragraphs. So much truth, about the being faithful early on, about their sexy charm, about the cheating, about the lying (OMG, that was my narcs specialty, to both of the women who loved him. Imagine how many times he lied to me, and to her about where he was), about them not ever really listening. And yes, I do believe he will always cheat. Maybe not at the moment, but he did, he’s done it a number of times to her, and did to me. I told him I don’t think monogamy is in his genes, and I stand by that. Like it says, it’s about his self image, and he needs lots of women to want him. He told me so many times that he fantasized about having a different woman every day. When I found out about her he asked me, in all seriousness, why he couldn’t have one woman on Wednesday and another one on Saturday? Wow. Just, wow. He may be playing the good puppy on a leash for her now, but that’s not something that will lay low in his psyche forever. One day when she is feeling secure, she’ll loose her grip and he’ll be in someone elses bed. Both times that she’s told him never to talk to her again, he was, or wanted to be, (I said no the second time) in my bed, immediately, again.

Yep, a classic narc. And yeah, get out of bed and run. Don’t look back. It will happen again and again. Heed the red flags flying.

(What always shocks me is how I can at times still miss him so much. And care for him still so much.  Like, WTF is wrong with you????”  But at least I know better than to act on any of it now.)

So, here it is…. and a link to the rest of the article if you’re interested.

Okay, maybe it’s more complicated than that. It’s very easy to fall for the charm of a narcissist; and since charm often equals sexy, and sexy often equals sex, things get messy fast. Paradoxically, narcissists are often quite faithful in the early stages of relationships, because what frequently leads people to cheat is insecurity: If you’re afraid the person you love doesn’t love you back, you begin looking for your next landing spot. Narcissists can’t conceive that they’re not adored, so they don’t go through that phase.

But they’ll cheat soon enough, because for narcissists, a relationship is all about how the partner enhances their own self-image. That means always trading up to someone who’s younger, prettier, richer—or just plain newer. Narcissists will lie about where they’ve been and what they’re doing; they’ll listen less and less when you speak (not that they ever listened much to begin with), and they’ll leave you flat if you don’t leave first.

If you’re married to a narcissist you’re in a lot deeper. Here you must confront the problem squarely and suggest—indeed, insist on—either marriage counseling, individual therapy for your spouse, or both. Narcissists resist that, since the nature of the condition is that they don’t accept that anything is wrong with them. But stand your ground—and if that doesn’t work, consider leaving the marriage. You deserve better.

This broad rule holds for both sexes, but when it comes to romance, women really are in greater peril than men. A 2008 study, by a researcher at New Mexico State University, looked at the improbable attraction many women have to men who exhibit the so-called dark triad of personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism and impulsive thrill-seeking. The paper crunched the statistics and found that these men outscore other men in number of sexual encounters in any given week, month or year. If you’re seeing or married to one of these guys, that alone argues for getting single or unmarried fast.”


Read more:
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/how-to-deal-with-the-narcissist-in-your-life_1#ixzz4GXu4xESF


Reminiscing

memories

I’ve been talking to a friend, who is on a path exactly like the one I was on with Scott in January.  Together not as long, but long enough to be crazy in love, and then having it ended cruelly, by him.  Then after months of no contact, seeing him again, and having him start up as if it never stopped, and then, once again walking away with no notice.

I’m just so glad my experience can help her.  She knows that I made it through, that it triggered in me at the time, all the same emotions triggered in her.  My story went on for a few weeks.  Those weeks gave me clarity on who S was when he chose to deny me because our relationship hurt B.  And because I had gone into it with no expectation, no desire for a long term relationship, it was easy to let go, and be done.  If he hadn’t then denied me to B, and if B hadn’t made it clear to me that he was lying to her about me, yet again, I wouldn’t have even gotten involved again.  Add to that her arrogance in thinking that she knew what I was wanting, or that she knew what he felt.  Assuming that our relationship deteriorated into something ugly.  Our relationship was fine, it’s just that there was a third person involved and I didn’t know it, HER. That’s why it deteriorated, because he was a liar and a cheat, to both she and I. Does she think he told her the truth?  Or that he does now?  That’s a laugh, really.  He can’t discern the truth from the crap he makes up, he never has been able to.  He fails the trust test, every single time.  Maybe it’s a game they play together, who knows?  Who cares?  It’s not one I want to play though, that’s for sure.

Anyway, talking to my friend, trying to help her clear her head, kind of made me remember how it felt.  I am so grateful not to have any of those emotions now.  I am so glad to be past that, to leave that relationship behind me.  It entices me not at all any more.

I have been thinking I don’t even know if I ever want another relationship.  Men have been the bane of my existence.  One was a control freak extraordinaire, unbelievably abusive.  The other was deceptive, a liar and a cheat extraordinaire.  The ex, the first one, inspired more anger and frustration, than I can even express.  The second, more pain than I can express.

Not sure I want to risk round 3.  But maybe there’s someone special out there, someone who just wants to love, like I do.  Who just wants to enjoy life, and enjoy me, and let me enjoy him.  I will be careful, before I give anyone that much trust, that’s for sure.  These narcissists, and sociopaths are so good at the game, at fooling us who have no ill intent, who don’t need it for an ego boost, but just want the pleasure of someone’s company and attention.  Who just want a relationship that evolves us into a better person, and adds to our life, instead of filling it with darkness.

I guess that’s why Florida looks so good to me. It is full of light, and happy people, really.  I didn’t run into anyone who didn’t have a smile, and a positive attitude. Maybe it’s the negative ions from the ocean, lol.

I’m going to the light, that’s for sure.  Away from the darkness that drives people down, and consumes them with false promises and false projections of who they are.  It’s easy to even fool yourself in the darkness.  Give me light any day.

Love and light, everyone.

 

Throwing Stuff At The Wall to See What Sticks

throw shit

I went to Star Wars this afternoon with my 23 yr old son.  We went out to eat before to the Texas Roadhouse and got these humongous burgers which neither of us finished.  Then on to the movie in 3D at the Imax theater.

It was so good.  I am not a sci-fi fan.  I’m really not,even Avatar didn’t strike a cord with me.  But Star Wars always has, since I saw the first one almost 40 years ago.  I took my son when he was 4.  I remembered during the movie driving to 5 different Toys R Us stores looking for a storm trooper’s gun for Christmas.

I think it’s the movie’s epic battle of clearly defined good vs. evil, of light vs dark.  And the humanness of it.  This movie was not a disappointment.  And the 3D Imax combination was incredible, and so comfortable!  Lots of legroom, high seat backs so you can rest your head.

I was thinking about coincidences today.  Like, I don’t believe there are any.  I think people come together for specific purposes, even if we can’t understand what those are.  I think things happen because they are supposed to.

For instance, Scott put his FB page back up long before Betty came back into his life, but didn’t tell me.  I just didn’t go looking for one, because it wasn’t there when I first looked, and I believed him (unearned trust…) that he didn’t have one.  But he put it back up, risking that I’d see it.  He left the comment by Betty up, on the picture of his friend.  Risking that I’d find out who she was.  I didn’t find it for 6  or 7 months, but it seems out of character for a man who was so concerned about me using his first name in a blog, and so concerned about security, to have put that up and left it up, not to be concerned whether or not I found it.

I think, subconsciously, he wanted me to find it.  He had to know I’d figure out who she was.  He had to know I’d demand she be told.   It may be that he thought I loved him so much that I couldn’t say no to him.  It may have been a miscalculation, that he didn’t believe I could make him tell Betty.  I don’t think he thought I could stand up for what I believed.  He tried pretty hard to engage me after I knew about her, to get me to see him then.

I think that he thought, probably subconsciously, that it would be the easy way out for him.  A big blow up when I found it and then I’d be gone, and he’d live happily ever after with Betty.

I didn’t find it until we’d already broken up, so I already knew about her when I found his page.  I suppose he thought he was home safe.  Apparently he thought I’d just “let it be” (his consistent advice whenever something bothered me. “Can’t you just let it be?”).   No. I couldn’t.  I wanted the pieces to fit together.  I wanted the whole demise of our relationship to make sense, because I was trying so hard to do everything in my power to make it work, and I couldn’t.  I also know that the truth will always bubble up. I’m patient that way.

Only a narcissist would be so clueless to other people’s feelings that he wouldn’t imagine my reaction.  Only a narcissist wouldn’t consider the way it would devastate me, would break me, would rip my life apart.  Narcissists are so incredibly self-absorbed and self-important.    Apparently he didn’t think that discovering the depth of his lies and deceit would make me determined not to stand idly by while he lived a lie with her.  I was not going to be an accomplice to his deception.  Nor was I going to allow him to misrepresent to her the relationship that we had.

But I do think that he left the FB page up intentionally, so that I’d find it.  He’s got a way of throwing shit at a wall and seeing what sticks.  He just didn’t realize how much shit would stick to this wall.  He couldn’t be bothered to break up with me in a humane way, and sent me a text where he blurted out the truth. But he couldn’t be bothered to tell Betty in a humane way either.  He called her, on the phone.  Wasn’t about to go face either of us and our pain that he was 100% responsible for.

Narcissism.  It really blows my mind how they can detach from what they’re doing to everyone else, and be concerned only with getting what they want.  They don’t care what they say, what they do, who they hurt along the way.  Just mind-blowing. I never realized how many people there are who have absolutely no moral compass.

What a way to waste this one sweet life we are given.

 

Is He a Narcissist? Maybe…..

I’ve been reading about narcissists, and relationships.  And sociopaths.  I always thought my ex was a sociopath…he fit the bill perfectly.  I think S, my only other relationship, was more of a narcissist.  In my never-to-be-humble but honest opinion.

Here’s what I just read about a narcissist in a relationship, from Emmagc75’s blog Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse.  ( https://emma75love.wordpress.com/2015/12/11/recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-2/ )

“People with narcissistic traits are known for targeting intelligent, self-sufficient, empathic individuals as partners. They tend to lack core identity (Brown, 2013), and need narcissistic supply to fill their empty psyches. Narcissistic supply comes mostly in the form of adulation, adoration, and attention, but any sort of feedback allows the individual with narcissistic qualities to feel alive (including negative attention). ”

I don’t know about Betty Boop, but I am intelligent enough to be self-sufficient, and empathetic (which is why I feel his energy so acutely at times).  I am sure I filled S’s need for adoration and attention.  I believe it’s why he could not let go of me.   I can’t say my ex thrived on adoration, because I didn’t adore him, but I did S.

And those of us who have been involved with someone like this, have a hard time getting over it because not only do we have to deal with a “fake relationship” but we have to deal with emotional and possibly sexual abuse.  There’s usually a good bit of post-traumatic stress thrown in there.

And yes, having sex with us both for months without us knowing about the other, is sexual and emotional abuse. It feels like rape, to be honest. Telling me that he was going to be with her, and then refusing to let me go, trying to get me to see him, to have sex with him, continuing intimate conversations when he was “with” someone else (even though he denied that he was with her, he only admitted that he slept with her once a week, making it sound like he was just getting laid….) is sexual and emotional abuse.  Denying her to me, and hiding me from her, is emotional abuse of both of us, in two ways.  It is a lie, but it is also betrayal of the relationship he had with either of us, to deny it to the other.  The narcissist disappears for hours or days.  He is unreliable, read that, lies.

The thing is, he didn’t just do it to me.  He did it to her too.  So…while it’s obviously personal, he devastated me, now I can see that that’s who he is.  He didn’t give me special treatment, he didn’t single me out….he gave it to her too.  He acted it out differently with each of us. He had a long history with her, which differentiated how he abused her from how he abused me.  He’s probably done something similar to every other woman in his life, all of whom he claimed “hurt” him.  He used to say, “how could I have been so wrong about her (Betty)?”  Oh that’s funny, when he was the one who had sex with her (former) best friend and caused the break-up during which I met him.  Did he think she would stay?  Geezus.

Which is, just, Wow.  The man walks through life devastating people who innocently and lovingly buy into his bullshit, and then claims he’s been hurt.  I remember him saying to me when all the lies and deception were exposed, but Betty didn’t know yet, how he was hurt too. That’s just funny, really.  HE was hurt?  OMG, I feel so sorry for him, lol. He lies and deceives two women who loved him, and speaking only for myself, beyond limit and reason, and when both women refused to play his game, he is hurt.  OMG.  It’s like theater of the absurd.  I have to laugh, now.

God, he has no idea what hurt is.  NONE.  He’s incapable of that much emotion.  You can’t set yourself up knowingly to fail, and then cry about it.

But still….I feel sorry for him, because he’s never going to know the joy of real connection in his lifetime.  I still don’t know why I feel him so much.  And, I am still a believer in the power of unconditional love, (which means, I have to love him in that generic way because we don’t get to pick and choose who we love if we believe in unconditional love and it’s those who appear to least deserve it that need it the most) and when I feel his energy winding it’s way into my gut, I’ll continue to send him Reiki.  He used to talk about going to live in a monastery for 6 months, and I’d laugh….because I couldn’t imagine him going with out sex that long, lol.  But it would be a good thing for him to do, with counseling.  Maybe he could salvage the remaining years of his life.  And stop fucking over people who love him.  If there are any left.

They say a narcissist loves attention, and so does a sociopath.  Doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative attention, it’s just attention.  It’s just knowing that someone else’s head is wrapped around them.  Well…S, this one’s on me.  Here’s a bunch of attention for you.  I hope you enjoy it.

But really, I hope you take it to heart, and get some help, and learn how to love people and let them love you.  There’s so much more to living than playing these childish games. Love always.