When a Narcissist Is In Your Bed

Every morning I sit down at the computer, watch the sun come up, and read my email. During the week it’s “Notes from the Universe” that I read first, but I don’t get them on weekends. So I was perusing the multitude of stuff and found this, from Oprah.com

I don’t often write about clinical narcissism. I’ve read a lot of it, but haven’t discussed it too much here. I’ve discussed a LOT falling for and being mad crazy in love with a narcissist though. This morning, there was an article titled “How to Deal with the Narcissist in Your Life.” It is written by Jeffrey Kluger, The author of The Narcissist Next Door: Understanding the Monster in Your Family, in Your Office, in Your Bed—in Your World and he explains how to deal…without destroying yourself.

He listed the 5 places you find them, in your life. The first 2 had to do with work, in the bosses office or the cubicle next door. I didn’t read those, lol. I stopped at #3, “In your bed”. The first advice was this: Get out of bed. Run away. Don’t look back. Any questions?”

That just made me laugh so hard. It is so true. Because boy, had I recognized it, I would have done that. I knew better. I thought I’d share what else he has to say about it. It’s good information, for anyone who deals with a narc, and it’s not a long read, just a few paragraphs. So much truth, about the being faithful early on, about their sexy charm, about the cheating, about the lying (OMG, that was my narcs specialty, to both of the women who loved him. Imagine how many times he lied to me, and to her about where he was), about them not ever really listening. And yes, I do believe he will always cheat. Maybe not at the moment, but he did, he’s done it a number of times to her, and did to me. I told him I don’t think monogamy is in his genes, and I stand by that. Like it says, it’s about his self image, and he needs lots of women to want him. He told me so many times that he fantasized about having a different woman every day. When I found out about her he asked me, in all seriousness, why he couldn’t have one woman on Wednesday and another one on Saturday? Wow. Just, wow. He may be playing the good puppy on a leash for her now, but that’s not something that will lay low in his psyche forever. One day when she is feeling secure, she’ll loose her grip and he’ll be in someone elses bed. Both times that she’s told him never to talk to her again, he was, or wanted to be, (I said no the second time) in my bed, immediately, again.

Yep, a classic narc. And yeah, get out of bed and run. Don’t look back. It will happen again and again. Heed the red flags flying.

(What always shocks me is how I can at times still miss him so much. And care for him still so much.  Like, WTF is wrong with you????”  But at least I know better than to act on any of it now.)

So, here it is…. and a link to the rest of the article if you’re interested.

Okay, maybe it’s more complicated than that. It’s very easy to fall for the charm of a narcissist; and since charm often equals sexy, and sexy often equals sex, things get messy fast. Paradoxically, narcissists are often quite faithful in the early stages of relationships, because what frequently leads people to cheat is insecurity: If you’re afraid the person you love doesn’t love you back, you begin looking for your next landing spot. Narcissists can’t conceive that they’re not adored, so they don’t go through that phase.

But they’ll cheat soon enough, because for narcissists, a relationship is all about how the partner enhances their own self-image. That means always trading up to someone who’s younger, prettier, richer—or just plain newer. Narcissists will lie about where they’ve been and what they’re doing; they’ll listen less and less when you speak (not that they ever listened much to begin with), and they’ll leave you flat if you don’t leave first.

If you’re married to a narcissist you’re in a lot deeper. Here you must confront the problem squarely and suggest—indeed, insist on—either marriage counseling, individual therapy for your spouse, or both. Narcissists resist that, since the nature of the condition is that they don’t accept that anything is wrong with them. But stand your ground—and if that doesn’t work, consider leaving the marriage. You deserve better.

This broad rule holds for both sexes, but when it comes to romance, women really are in greater peril than men. A 2008 study, by a researcher at New Mexico State University, looked at the improbable attraction many women have to men who exhibit the so-called dark triad of personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism and impulsive thrill-seeking. The paper crunched the statistics and found that these men outscore other men in number of sexual encounters in any given week, month or year. If you’re seeing or married to one of these guys, that alone argues for getting single or unmarried fast.”

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