Not An Effortless Morning

Writing can be difficult. At times. At others, the words flow onto the page effortlessly. We all know this. I love the effortless times. I think it’s probably when my work is at it’s best, when nothing blocks the flow from my heart to my head to the page. Those are usually the poetry days.

This morning is not one of those effortless times. I had a difficult sleep last night, though I was exhausted. I finally got up and wrote 3 different posts, trying to clear my head. It worked somewhat. I fell asleep after. I got up this morning and re-read what I’d written with my eyes closed last night. Two of them got filed in “Unpublished”. One got discarded, the last one, when I finally became too tired to make any sense at all.

I had a wonderful time last night. And I talked to L, no matter very briefly. A friend called me just as I went to bed to tell me the evening was live-streamed on FB. I told her I’d look in the morning, but I couldn’t find it this morning.

The girls are coming over Sunday to read my friends play. I only have to provide some guacamole, lol, and a place to sit.

My sister is coming this morning with her step-daughter. I have a fundraiser tonight at a restaurant in St. Pete. I’m almost out of half and half for my coffee, so I need to get some at some point today or I will be really upset tomorrow morning, lol.

I want to talk to L. More. I think I will call him this morning. Because when he calls I will be with my sister or at the fundraiser and I want to be able to talk, privately. No distractions.

If I’m honest, which I try to be even though it’s uncomfortable at times, I will admit that the nameless one interjected himself too, in my thoughts. I wish I could say that I only remembered the good things, but with him, every good thing had two or three bad ones, and I just wonder why the hell I held on so long. Then I get into the connection that can’t be broken, or whatever it is, and know I have to find a way to ignore it, if I want to fully move on. He is still blocked, and apparently has not figured out how to find my phone number, or just didn’t/doesn’t bother, because there are no blocked voice mails. That’s a good thing, really. Blocking him is my way of trying to break a connection that seems to have a life of its own, but has, in the end, never brought me anything but heartache and sadness, and I just want to move away from it.

I know at some point with L, if it proceeds as I expect it to, we will discuss the nameless one, and what will I say? I loved him, it was misplaced, but I did, and now I don’t? How will I explain the repetition over and over? Can I tell the story without too much detail? I will try. I suppose a lot of it would be TMI for L anyway. He will just want to know that I am past it. That’s what I want to know too, lol.

My ex is much easier for me to deal with. I was out of love, fully and finally, when I left the marriage. There are no left-over emotions, and certainly not a connection that continues despite the time and distance.

All this stuff was in my head last night. I suppose I was stimulated, so had a difficult time just settling off to sleep. I hopped from one thought to the other. I changed the meditation music I always play. I read, I wrote. I’m tired today, and I have a busy day.

Funny as I started writing this, I couldn’t put two coherent thoughts together, and now that I have written down all my incoherent thoughts, I feel much better, lol. I actually thought I should maybe stop writing for a week, and see what happened. But I love to write, and it keeps me sane, and I’m committed to it. So here I am sharing my sometimes stupid, sometimes profound, very ordinary thoughts again. My sister apologized for not reading my blog, and I said, “you don’t have to read it, it’s really boring for the most part.” Because it is, these blogs about my life where I’m just trying to glean some lesson from my experiences. Sometimes my poetry is worth reading I think. I get a lot more views when I write a haiku or a poem than when I do this….an essay on why I couldn’t sleep, lol.

But I’m grateful for all of you who do read it, and comment. It gives me a wider perspective, and often more profound insight. In the end, I feel blessed, always. For all of it.

Love and light to everyone.

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Flashback

A blast from the past. I don’t watch much TV. I turn it on in the evening, and often pay no attention to it. It’s just for the noise.

Tonight I’m watching the news, which is something even more rare than watching at all. I hate the news. At least, network news. But tonight there was a story about the CT Supreme Court reversing the decision on Michael Skakel and sending him back to prison for the murder of Martha Moxley. They showed the Supreme Court Room, and boy, did that bring me back to some difficult, yet triumphant memories.

December 2, 2010, exactly 2 years after the first day of our trial in Superior Court. More than 3 1/2 years since I had left my ex.  2 years since my son had come to live with me.  I remember sitting as a spectator, because that’s where the actual parties to the cases sit, in that auspicious room. The pomp and circumstance was palpable. Classrooms of students from local colleges filed in to watch the proceedings. The officer in charge of the courtroom gives all of us instructions. There was not an empty seat. Classrooms have to book it way ahead of time. The Supreme Court hears 2 cases a day. I had been waiting for 2 years to be heard. Two years from the 3 day trial my ex and I had, as he attempted to make sure I got less than 10% of the estate from a 32 year marriage. He lost that first Superior Court decision. He appealed, and then requested to have the appeal raised from the Appellate Court to the Supreme Court.

Meanwhile, every asset from our 32 year marriage, every dime, was in his possession.  I had a paycheck.  That was it.  (And just for added stress, my son was in a bad car accident 4 days before, broke his ankle, totaled 2 cars.  Of course the man with all the money did not contribute one cent to the deductible for his health insurance, or on a replacement car.)

7 chairs at the bench in the front. Like 7 thrones. The people who sat there would decide my future. I hoped they were just, I hoped they could see the truth about what had been done to me. Each atty gets a certain amount of time to make their case. My son’s GAL (guardian ad litum) sat with my attorney, to help her if needed. Because, he got it. It took him awhile, but he finally got it, and for the last year, and during our initial trial sat on my side. When my atty made her case, she didn’t even need all the time allotted. The judge in our Superior Court decision could see my ex coming 100 miles away, and did a ton of research for us, since there was no law regarding our issue. He wrote 7 pages, citing cases in other states. It was all in our brief, not much needed to be said. The point was that for him to prevail would have done a grave injustice, I think is what it said.

The justices argued with my ex’s atty. Not mine at all. They had some questions, but not many. They had a lot of questions of my ex’s and some actually argued with him, telling him that what the judge did, he was supposed to do.

In the end, I won. The decision was released April 18, 1 day before my 60th birthday. I had been secretly asking the Universe to give me the decision for a birthday present. Really.

They called my ex “unconscionable” 9 times in their lengthy decision. Unanimously.

And, my case made case law in CT. No one will ever be able to do to their spouse what he tried to do to me again. That makes me proud, really. And really, eases some of the pain of waiting 4 years to finally be free of that man.

A couple of years later, a Yale 1st year law student contacted my atty. His first assignment of the year in contract law had been to write a brief on my case, and could he come and see her for about an hour, and see some of the files. Imagine that. My case, my 4 year struggle ended up being a case which Yale University used to teach contract law.

I could go on, about how my life changed that 60th birthday. How I went house hunting, and bought my dream house, and later segued that house into this lovely life I now have in Florida. How I didn’t even consider having a date until I was moved into my new house. I hadn’t wanted to embroil anyone else in that mess. I learned that avoidance of something doesn’t mean you’re ready for it. I fell in love with someone who devastated me emotionally as badly, if not worse, than my ex did as he tried to separate my son from me, and hurt me financially. What my ex never did to me, my first love after divorce did. No need to expound on that. It’s all in the pages of this blog. I’m pretty cautious now.

Funny what just a flash of one picture can bring back.

Love and light everyone.

Except Here, A Poem.

There is no way to say
I love you
Except to say it
Here
Where you might see it.

There is no way to tell you
That the pain is gone
Only the good remains
Except to tell you
Here
Where you might see it.

I want to wish you well
And have no venue
For the words to connect
Except to put them
Here
Where you might see them.

There is no way
To make you understand
That I have no wish to disrupt you.
So I tell you
Here
So you might know.

There is no way to say
I miss you
But I do, every day.
So I’ll tell you
Here
So you might know.

And remember,
On days where no light is cast
Love always and all ways.

Selling Off A Bit of My Sacred Space

deck furniture

I have a few things that I need to sell or give away, large items, before I move. Yesterday I put some ads on a FB page that is a never-ending tag sale for my town only. I put my deck furniture and my grill up, for $50 each. I could have sold the deck furniture 10 times in 3 hours, it was amazing. A guy is coming by today to get it. I think I paid Walmart $150 or something for it when I moved in. It needs new cushions, they are all thread-bare now.

But I will miss it. It’s where I sit in the summer, in the morning, in the evening. It’s where S and I used to sit and talk, or star gaze for hours. We watched the meteor shower out here one night. One night we saw moondogs, it was my first time. But I digress. There are so many memories for me, every time I start sorting and packing. This will be good to let go of. One less reminder of what was and wasn’t.

Still, it feels like I’m selling off pieces of my sacred space.  Gotta let go of stuff, like the Buddha says, Non-attachment is the way.

For the next few weeks, I’ll just have to pull another chair out here, and maybe a tv table.

I didn’t get any bites on the grill, which needs new burners. My son said they are not a big deal to put in. The grill cost me $350 or so, It’s in good shape except the burners. It’s a really good grill.

Today I have to clean up the washer and dryer in the basement, the spare ones, and get them listed. I brought them with me from the condo I had been living in, they are perfectly good. I thought my son might want them if and when he moved out, never forseeing the moves that would happen 5 years later. And I have a couch and loveseat in the basement, that he uses. They are both pull-out beds, nice green microfiber. I also bought those for the condo I rented for 4 years. I need to sell them too. Or I’ll have to just give them away.

My neighborhood is having a tag sale next Saturday. So whatever is left, I will try to sell then. I have a lot of just stuff I’m not taking. Like a door wreath for the winter with a snowman on it. Not really appropriate for Florida, LOL. Snow shovels, maybe a rake.

This morning I need to get to the grocery store, and clean up my kitchen counters and floors, then continue with the packing and sorting. It feels overwhelming at times. So much to do.

Last night my girlfriend who is also moving when I’m moving, went out with me for a bite to eat. I just could not put together a meal. Tired, I guess. And needed some human connection, after being alone all day with my thoughts and memories. So we went to a local Mexican restaurant, I had shrimp and bacon quesadillas, it was good. One glass of wine and that was it. It’s been so great to have a friend going through this same thing, albeit she is only moving 15 miles from here, and not stopping working, and her kids will stay with her. So not the same, but still, similar.

At least I’m moving along down this path, getting things done. I hope I don’t have to be at the closing, and can leave a day or two before the closing. Gotta get an answer on that from my atty.

Onward….. Love and light, all.

 

Picture at top is my deck furniture.  🙂

Just an Afterthought

I just remembered something about last night that my friend and I both found really cool.

We walked into this bar/cafe, and because they had a good band playing, even at 7:15 every seat was taken.  As we were looking around, a woman at the bar said to us, “We just came here for dinner, and we’ll be leaving in 15 or 20 minutes.  If you stay here, you can grab our seats when we go.”  They were sitting at the bar, which is our preferred place to sit, because it’s just more casual, presents a better opportunity to meet and talk with people. That was so cool!

Then while we were waiting, there was a high table, with no chairs, where we could stand and at least put our wine glasses on it.  As we stood there, another woman who was seated at a high bar on stools (there are individual high bar tables scattered around) offered to us the empty chair at her table.

When we finally sat down at the bar, which was only about 15 minutes later, we were sitting there, and had our coats on the back of the bar chairs.  My coat fell off, unknown to me, and someone came over, picked it up, and gave it to me.

Just people, being so nice!!!  People talking, like family.  It was a neighborhood bar.  Small. The bartenders were 3 women, so friendly, so nice.  The people at the bar all talked to each other.  Someone came and asked us to dance, I deferred to my friend, lol.  She loves to dance, I am ok with it, but was not feeling like moving after 3 glasses of wine, lol.  While she danced a man next to me began a convo with me.  He was younger than me, and I think he really had his eye on my friend who was dancing, she was much closer to his age (she’s 50, I’m 64) .  But he asked how long I’d been single, we compared our ring “scars”!  LOL.  He’d been married 22 years. Me, 32.  We kind of understood each other, lol.

It was just so pleasant, to actually have people who were friendly, kind, normal interaction with fellow human beings.  We had a blast.  My friend was so happy she got to dance.

It restored my faith, that most people in this world are good and kind, and loving people.  I guess that’s why I had such a good time.

The Evolution of the End

I’ve been writing so much in the mornings lately that I haven’t had time to do my meditation, and I think I’m feeling it.  It’s such a good way to start the day, to become centered and grounded.  To step back and just let myself be.

This morning seems to be full of promise.  Letting out the “I Wonder” emotions last night seemed to be a clearing, cleansing experience, to put that energy out to the universe.  He is who he is, I don’t think there will ever be a significant change, in his default setting.  I’m sorry for him, that he feels the need to blame me, or anyone else, for the decisions he makes.  And then to run away, to silence…IDK.  It’s all the way it’s supposed to be though.  It’s easier to move on when we don’t talk, and that’s what he wants me to do, apparently, and that’s what I want to do.

It’s all about trust, really.  And the marble jar is empty.  He put in a few marbles, and dumped them out.  I think for me, I need to cap the jar and not even make it accessible. He’s not looking to build my trust, but the thing is…either you are trustworthy or not.  Not with just me, but with everyone.  And he’s not.  He’s just not.

It’s good to see him as he is, it makes it easier to continue moving away from the old, into the life I want.  In the words of Fleetwood Mac, (Silver Spring) “I began not to love you. Turn around and see me running.  I’ll say I loved you years ago, Tell myself you never loved me, no….”  Because  I did, and he didn’t, and I’m running.

I hope she can run too, or at least walk.  I don’t see a change ever happening.  Because it has to happen across the board.  He can’t recreate himself for her, and be someone else the rest of the time.

Life is good.  Spring is 33 days away.  🙂  Gotta get my muffler fixed, now that my wiper blades work.  Things to do, places to go, people to meet.

Onward.