Not An Effortless Morning

Writing can be difficult. At times. At others, the words flow onto the page effortlessly. We all know this. I love the effortless times. I think it’s probably when my work is at it’s best, when nothing blocks the flow from my heart to my head to the page. Those are usually the poetry days.

This morning is not one of those effortless times. I had a difficult sleep last night, though I was exhausted. I finally got up and wrote 3 different posts, trying to clear my head. It worked somewhat. I fell asleep after. I got up this morning and re-read what I’d written with my eyes closed last night. Two of them got filed in “Unpublished”. One got discarded, the last one, when I finally became too tired to make any sense at all.

I had a wonderful time last night. And I talked to L, no matter very briefly. A friend called me just as I went to bed to tell me the evening was live-streamed on FB. I told her I’d look in the morning, but I couldn’t find it this morning.

The girls are coming over Sunday to read my friends play. I only have to provide some guacamole, lol, and a place to sit.

My sister is coming this morning with her step-daughter. I have a fundraiser tonight at a restaurant in St. Pete. I’m almost out of half and half for my coffee, so I need to get some at some point today or I will be really upset tomorrow morning, lol.

I want to talk to L. More. I think I will call him this morning. Because when he calls I will be with my sister or at the fundraiser and I want to be able to talk, privately. No distractions.

If I’m honest, which I try to be even though it’s uncomfortable at times, I will admit that the nameless one interjected himself too, in my thoughts. I wish I could say that I only remembered the good things, but with him, every good thing had two or three bad ones, and I just wonder why the hell I held on so long. Then I get into the connection that can’t be broken, or whatever it is, and know I have to find a way to ignore it, if I want to fully move on. He is still blocked, and apparently has not figured out how to find my phone number, or just didn’t/doesn’t bother, because there are no blocked voice mails. That’s a good thing, really. Blocking him is my way of trying to break a connection that seems to have a life of its own, but has, in the end, never brought me anything but heartache and sadness, and I just want to move away from it.

I know at some point with L, if it proceeds as I expect it to, we will discuss the nameless one, and what will I say? I loved him, it was misplaced, but I did, and now I don’t? How will I explain the repetition over and over? Can I tell the story without too much detail? I will try. I suppose a lot of it would be TMI for L anyway. He will just want to know that I am past it. That’s what I want to know too, lol.

My ex is much easier for me to deal with. I was out of love, fully and finally, when I left the marriage. There are no left-over emotions, and certainly not a connection that continues despite the time and distance.

All this stuff was in my head last night. I suppose I was stimulated, so had a difficult time just settling off to sleep. I hopped from one thought to the other. I changed the meditation music I always play. I read, I wrote. I’m tired today, and I have a busy day.

Funny as I started writing this, I couldn’t put two coherent thoughts together, and now that I have written down all my incoherent thoughts, I feel much better, lol. I actually thought I should maybe stop writing for a week, and see what happened. But I love to write, and it keeps me sane, and I’m committed to it. So here I am sharing my sometimes stupid, sometimes profound, very ordinary thoughts again. My sister apologized for not reading my blog, and I said, “you don’t have to read it, it’s really boring for the most part.” Because it is, these blogs about my life where I’m just trying to glean some lesson from my experiences. Sometimes my poetry is worth reading I think. I get a lot more views when I write a haiku or a poem than when I do this….an essay on why I couldn’t sleep, lol.

But I’m grateful for all of you who do read it, and comment. It gives me a wider perspective, and often more profound insight. In the end, I feel blessed, always. For all of it.

Love and light to everyone.

5 responses to “Not An Effortless Morning

  1. Yep, just friendly advice; do not hurry to open “The x files” :p The most boring thing in the world is to hear a new partner tslk about exes… that is usually best left alone until the relationship is official and on very solid ground (If I find a new boyfriend, I don’t want to hear bout the exes until I have a solid trust for my new partner, and when i feel completely safe and loved, with him..). Even then it is kind of an ordeal.. it can be used to bring people closer, to talk aboit past hurts, but with ex-talk, it must be done at the right time, and not too much, either. Am sure you know this, jist saying 🙂 Mr. 43 made the mistake of starting to tell me a bit about the other girls he had dated online, on our date, and that was one of the things that made him unattractive to me..
    Hugs! 💜

    • I totally agree with you about talking about exes. I just know at some point we will talk about it, maybe not for a long time. I think I was way future tripping, you know? I have the same questions about the blog. When and how much to tell him, but all those things should resolve themselves as the relationship grows. Just had all that crap rolling around in my head. UGH. I talked to L for a long while this morning, it’s all good. 🙂

      • Haha I knew you would understand my point. 🙂 I am sure you will talk about it at some point. It is very ok to be future tripping! I do it all the time (to myself). I even thought about Mr. Wrong’s surnsme and thought about how it would sound/look, together with my name… and the sad part is, it would have been soooo great! He has a surname that almost sounds like a noble family, and also, it starts with the same letter as my given name, I would have basically sounded like an actress, haha.
        I am glad you talked to L. Seems like things are happening even if it slows down cause he was away etc. I really hope he will prove to be the guy you deserve!!! Am so proud of you for exploring the possibility!! Hugs 💜

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