I’ve been reading about narcissists, and relationships. And sociopaths. I always thought my ex was a sociopath…he fit the bill perfectly. I think S, my only other relationship, was more of a narcissist. In my never-to-be-humble but honest opinion.
Here’s what I just read about a narcissist in a relationship, from Emmagc75’s blog Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse. ( https://emma75love.wordpress.com/2015/12/11/recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-2/ )
“People with narcissistic traits are known for targeting intelligent, self-sufficient, empathic individuals as partners. They tend to lack core identity (Brown, 2013), and need narcissistic supply to fill their empty psyches. Narcissistic supply comes mostly in the form of adulation, adoration, and attention, but any sort of feedback allows the individual with narcissistic qualities to feel alive (including negative attention). ”
I don’t know about Betty Boop, but I am intelligent enough to be self-sufficient, and empathetic (which is why I feel his energy so acutely at times). I am sure I filled S’s need for adoration and attention. I believe it’s why he could not let go of me. I can’t say my ex thrived on adoration, because I didn’t adore him, but I did S.
And those of us who have been involved with someone like this, have a hard time getting over it because not only do we have to deal with a “fake relationship” but we have to deal with emotional and possibly sexual abuse. There’s usually a good bit of post-traumatic stress thrown in there.
And yes, having sex with us both for months without us knowing about the other, is sexual and emotional abuse. It feels like rape, to be honest. Telling me that he was going to be with her, and then refusing to let me go, trying to get me to see him, to have sex with him, continuing intimate conversations when he was “with” someone else (even though he denied that he was with her, he only admitted that he slept with her once a week, making it sound like he was just getting laid….) is sexual and emotional abuse. Denying her to me, and hiding me from her, is emotional abuse of both of us, in two ways. It is a lie, but it is also betrayal of the relationship he had with either of us, to deny it to the other. The narcissist disappears for hours or days. He is unreliable, read that, lies.
The thing is, he didn’t just do it to me. He did it to her too. So…while it’s obviously personal, he devastated me, now I can see that that’s who he is. He didn’t give me special treatment, he didn’t single me out….he gave it to her too. He acted it out differently with each of us. He had a long history with her, which differentiated how he abused her from how he abused me. He’s probably done something similar to every other woman in his life, all of whom he claimed “hurt” him. He used to say, “how could I have been so wrong about her (Betty)?” Oh that’s funny, when he was the one who had sex with her (former) best friend and caused the break-up during which I met him. Did he think she would stay? Geezus.
Which is, just, Wow. The man walks through life devastating people who innocently and lovingly buy into his bullshit, and then claims he’s been hurt. I remember him saying to me when all the lies and deception were exposed, but Betty didn’t know yet, how he was hurt too. That’s just funny, really. HE was hurt? OMG, I feel so sorry for him, lol. He lies and deceives two women who loved him, and speaking only for myself, beyond limit and reason, and when both women refused to play his game, he is hurt. OMG. It’s like theater of the absurd. I have to laugh, now.
God, he has no idea what hurt is. NONE. He’s incapable of that much emotion. You can’t set yourself up knowingly to fail, and then cry about it.
But still….I feel sorry for him, because he’s never going to know the joy of real connection in his lifetime. I still don’t know why I feel him so much. And, I am still a believer in the power of unconditional love, (which means, I have to love him in that generic way because we don’t get to pick and choose who we love if we believe in unconditional love and it’s those who appear to least deserve it that need it the most) and when I feel his energy winding it’s way into my gut, I’ll continue to send him Reiki. He used to talk about going to live in a monastery for 6 months, and I’d laugh….because I couldn’t imagine him going with out sex that long, lol. But it would be a good thing for him to do, with counseling. Maybe he could salvage the remaining years of his life. And stop fucking over people who love him. If there are any left.
They say a narcissist loves attention, and so does a sociopath. Doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative attention, it’s just attention. It’s just knowing that someone else’s head is wrapped around them. Well…S, this one’s on me. Here’s a bunch of attention for you. I hope you enjoy it.
But really, I hope you take it to heart, and get some help, and learn how to love people and let them love you. There’s so much more to living than playing these childish games. Love always.
Yes he does ring a lot of the bells regarding narcissists. And you’re completely right. He and all the other narcs will NEVER feel that pure joy that comes from a deep intimate loving relationship. But they don’t care because to them those relationships are fake n don’t really exist. I just pity such a pathetic excuse for a life. On a positive note, once u know what to look for, you won’t let another one ever get too close. Hugs!
Being able to round out the picture of what was going on makes it easier to really let it go too. I’m able to see and accept it, and just know it wasn’t what I wanted, and detach. Because I feel his energy so acutely, I am pretty sure he’s really sad right now, but sad for himself, not sad about what he did to Betty and me. In the words of Rihanna, “You’re only sorry you got caught.” LOL.
I’m very similar. I process thru information and understanding and then I’m able to better let things go. Yes he’s sad for HIMSELF and the lack of remorse is a very scary thing. As someone with empathy and a conscience, I would feel horrible for causing so much pain to someone who cared for me. I wouldn’t want anyone so selfish n narcissistic anywhere near me. Bad toxic energy. Yuck, no thanks lol.
I could have used this knowledge around 2005, but then again – would I have listened? No, because i was too caught up in the narc’s web. It would have saved me 9 years of emotional abuse that i willingly and yes, truth-be-told, knowingly allowed. Hindsight is 20-20 and i definitely am “Claritan-clear” ‘now’. You’re soo right – i know what to look for & more importantly what NOT to allow, accept or get close to. Onward and forward! xo
Everyone of my friends, and my son, knew he was bad news and told me so. Except for my son, they’d never met him, but that was even part of why they thought it. He obviously didn’t want us to be part of each other’s life, he was just sucking all my energy to himself, to fill the huge vacant space in his own heart. But yes, now I know the signs, I think I’ve learned the whole lesson now, lol. I sure hope so anyway!