I’ve been talking to a friend, who is on a path exactly like the one I was on with Scott in January. Together not as long, but long enough to be crazy in love, and then having it ended cruelly, by him. Then after months of no contact, seeing him again, and having him start up as if it never stopped, and then, once again walking away with no notice.
I’m just so glad my experience can help her. She knows that I made it through, that it triggered in me at the time, all the same emotions triggered in her. My story went on for a few weeks. Those weeks gave me clarity on who S was when he chose to deny me because our relationship hurt B. And because I had gone into it with no expectation, no desire for a long term relationship, it was easy to let go, and be done. If he hadn’t then denied me to B, and if B hadn’t made it clear to me that he was lying to her about me, yet again, I wouldn’t have even gotten involved again. Add to that her arrogance in thinking that she knew what I was wanting, or that she knew what he felt. Assuming that our relationship deteriorated into something ugly. Our relationship was fine, it’s just that there was a third person involved and I didn’t know it, HER. That’s why it deteriorated, because he was a liar and a cheat, to both she and I. Does she think he told her the truth? Or that he does now? That’s a laugh, really. He can’t discern the truth from the crap he makes up, he never has been able to. He fails the trust test, every single time. Maybe it’s a game they play together, who knows? Who cares? It’s not one I want to play though, that’s for sure.
Anyway, talking to my friend, trying to help her clear her head, kind of made me remember how it felt. I am so grateful not to have any of those emotions now. I am so glad to be past that, to leave that relationship behind me. It entices me not at all any more.
I have been thinking I don’t even know if I ever want another relationship. Men have been the bane of my existence. One was a control freak extraordinaire, unbelievably abusive. The other was deceptive, a liar and a cheat extraordinaire. The ex, the first one, inspired more anger and frustration, than I can even express. The second, more pain than I can express.
Not sure I want to risk round 3. But maybe there’s someone special out there, someone who just wants to love, like I do. Who just wants to enjoy life, and enjoy me, and let me enjoy him. I will be careful, before I give anyone that much trust, that’s for sure. These narcissists, and sociopaths are so good at the game, at fooling us who have no ill intent, who don’t need it for an ego boost, but just want the pleasure of someone’s company and attention. Who just want a relationship that evolves us into a better person, and adds to our life, instead of filling it with darkness.
I guess that’s why Florida looks so good to me. It is full of light, and happy people, really. I didn’t run into anyone who didn’t have a smile, and a positive attitude. Maybe it’s the negative ions from the ocean, lol.
I’m going to the light, that’s for sure. Away from the darkness that drives people down, and consumes them with false promises and false projections of who they are. It’s easy to even fool yourself in the darkness. Give me light any day.
Love and light, everyone.