Blowin’ Away on the Summer Wind

summer wind

I walked with my cousin this morning, a short walk, just a couple of miles. The rain stopped, it was cloudy, and though it was very humid, it was cooler, not quite 80. It was a pleasant change. It’s was that way all day, til a short time ago.

We talk, deep and honest, always. I talked to her about moving, and when I talked about leaving my son in Denver, I started crying. Geezus.

The walk was nice, but I can’t even talk about that without losing it. I don’t know how I’m going to actually do it.

Then I went to the grocery store this afternoon. I ran into one of my best friends there. We have known each other 22 years, since our kids were 2 and in Story Hour at the library together. Her daughter and my son were born on the same day. My son is older, lol, by 3 hours. A fact he never let her daughter forget.  She was part of our small book club.

She had just come home from a big family vacation to Ireland and England, with some side trips, one to Paris for a few days, I think. I had called her to see if she wanted to go for a walk about 3 or 4 weeks ago and she said, “Um…I’m in Ireland.” LOL. I said, “Oh, I guess you don’t want to go then…..” And laughed. We talked a little, texted a little.

So it was good to see her, and just catch up briefly. I told her I sold the house while she was gone, and she looked happy and sad in the same moment. We talked about it briefly, because she had an engagement she had to get to, but I choked up again, talking about taking son to CO. I am a basket case. I so wish he had a father. Or I should say, a father who wasn’t a sociopath. Anyway, we are going to try to get the book club together to say goodbye the week after next.

I truly can’t believe I’ll be out of here in 6 weeks. I’ve feel like I’ve been talking about it forever. It’s been so often, my final escape from so much drama in my life, from men who can’t love, or won’t, who have caused me so much pain.  Men who have taken all I would give, and given me back nothing except pain, and heartache, and lies.

Now I look at it as just an awesome thing I get to do. I’m so over all of that. I think about it, and I think, the drama goes on, I’m sure. Just without me. Because, really….how could there ever be any trust there? Yeah, she lied, a small tiny lie to make him stop lying to her, to make him believe he’d been caught red-handed.  I seriously only objected to it because she involved me, and it just wasn’t true. But really, he’s the one who cannot tell the truth. How could she ever ever trust her heart to him again? So much like my ex. Just cannot talk without trying to manipulate someone.

I feel like, she’s just in her comfort zone with him, and willing to put up with his bullshit.  She was never going to talk to him again, twice now, til I did.  So she did.  What kind of foundation for a relationship is that?  If I’d told him to come here that night 6 weeks ago when he asked me so many times….what would she have done then?  Wanted him back?  I was leaving anyway….who knows?  Such a game they play.

Whatever. It’s none of my business. Sometimes I just go off on a tangent, it was part of my life way too long.  I still feel connected to him on some level, it’s weird.  But it doesn’t stop me from living this life.  If we are connected through past lives, which I feels sure we are, we will bump into each other again.  But this life time….I don’t think so.

The whole point, now, is….I get to retire.  I don’t have to work, unless I want to.  I intend to find a part-time job, grocery money.  I get to live by the water, which has always been my other home.  I get to do the things I love to do, that I have a passion for, and not spend the bulk of my time at a stressful job.  I will be so free.  As hard as it will be to say goodbye to my son, the fact that he’s not going to be living with me, makes me all the more free.

I didn’t do any packing today. Just normal house chores. Laundry, shopping, making some food so we’ll have food to eat during the week. Now I’m outside in the sacred space, lol. With a dark rum and diet coke and half a lime squeezed into it. Feeling pretty content. Sun is out, and it’s breezy. This mornings humidity is blowing away.

As are the last years tears, and pain, and drama. Blowing away, leaving cool, clean energy in it’s place. Life is so good.

Love and light, everyone.

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Beth Hart and Joe Bonamassa

When I went to Florida I stayed for a couple of nights with a friend from high school who lives in the town I’m moving to.  Turns out she’s been singing the blues at local places around there for over a year.  One of her favorite female blues singers is Beth Hart.  I have to sheepishly admit I did not know her.  My friend put on a few youtube videos of her, one was with Jeff Beck at the Kennedy Center honoring Buddy Guy. I realized I had seen it, live, because it was way tooo fabulous not to burn a spot into your psyche.

Needless to say, I’m looking forward, really forward, to going with my friend to see her sing.

Anyway after she played the Hart-Beck Kennedy Center video,  she “introduced” me to Joe Bonamassa, except when I heard him, I remembered that Scott had already introduced me to him, and I loved him.  One of those moments where we weren’t having sex, lol.  Listening to and discussing music.  With our clothes on!  (Ok sometimes we were naked, but not having sex, lol. Just sayin’ it wasn’t what some people wanted to believe it was!) OMG, and we did that with books too!  Anyway, my friend played the video below, and all I can think when I hear it, is damn…that was me last fall.  October 3.  And damn, I want to love someone else like that.  Except, I don’t want to ever have to watch him walk away again.

Listen to it…I bet you’ll feel the same.

Reminiscing

memories

I’ve been talking to a friend, who is on a path exactly like the one I was on with Scott in January.  Together not as long, but long enough to be crazy in love, and then having it ended cruelly, by him.  Then after months of no contact, seeing him again, and having him start up as if it never stopped, and then, once again walking away with no notice.

I’m just so glad my experience can help her.  She knows that I made it through, that it triggered in me at the time, all the same emotions triggered in her.  My story went on for a few weeks.  Those weeks gave me clarity on who S was when he chose to deny me because our relationship hurt B.  And because I had gone into it with no expectation, no desire for a long term relationship, it was easy to let go, and be done.  If he hadn’t then denied me to B, and if B hadn’t made it clear to me that he was lying to her about me, yet again, I wouldn’t have even gotten involved again.  Add to that her arrogance in thinking that she knew what I was wanting, or that she knew what he felt.  Assuming that our relationship deteriorated into something ugly.  Our relationship was fine, it’s just that there was a third person involved and I didn’t know it, HER. That’s why it deteriorated, because he was a liar and a cheat, to both she and I. Does she think he told her the truth?  Or that he does now?  That’s a laugh, really.  He can’t discern the truth from the crap he makes up, he never has been able to.  He fails the trust test, every single time.  Maybe it’s a game they play together, who knows?  Who cares?  It’s not one I want to play though, that’s for sure.

Anyway, talking to my friend, trying to help her clear her head, kind of made me remember how it felt.  I am so grateful not to have any of those emotions now.  I am so glad to be past that, to leave that relationship behind me.  It entices me not at all any more.

I have been thinking I don’t even know if I ever want another relationship.  Men have been the bane of my existence.  One was a control freak extraordinaire, unbelievably abusive.  The other was deceptive, a liar and a cheat extraordinaire.  The ex, the first one, inspired more anger and frustration, than I can even express.  The second, more pain than I can express.

Not sure I want to risk round 3.  But maybe there’s someone special out there, someone who just wants to love, like I do.  Who just wants to enjoy life, and enjoy me, and let me enjoy him.  I will be careful, before I give anyone that much trust, that’s for sure.  These narcissists, and sociopaths are so good at the game, at fooling us who have no ill intent, who don’t need it for an ego boost, but just want the pleasure of someone’s company and attention.  Who just want a relationship that evolves us into a better person, and adds to our life, instead of filling it with darkness.

I guess that’s why Florida looks so good to me. It is full of light, and happy people, really.  I didn’t run into anyone who didn’t have a smile, and a positive attitude. Maybe it’s the negative ions from the ocean, lol.

I’m going to the light, that’s for sure.  Away from the darkness that drives people down, and consumes them with false promises and false projections of who they are.  It’s easy to even fool yourself in the darkness.  Give me light any day.

Love and light, everyone.

 

A Good Place

a good place.jpg

Feeling a little passively content this morning.  Not so angry at S, as I have been for 24 hours, which followed reading my blogs from last summer.  I had a hard time with them.  I was in so much pain, all summer.  Trying to make sense of what was happening to our relationship, nothing fitting together. I know he read every one of them, and knew the pain he was causing with his lies, and didn’t care….as long as he was getting what he wanted.

But that’s who he is.  He is who he is, I’m just glad to know now, and be out of it.  I accept him as he is, I don’t invite him into my life though.

I’m sure that the loving attention I get from A has soothed the anger.  It reminds me how insignificant S’s behavior is, in the face of someone loving you.  Sometimes I want to be with A, but I’m so fickle right now, I know sometimes I won’t. Or, I’m afraid I won’t.  Right now, he is not rushing, or pushing me in any direction, he’s just loving me, and I’m just loving him, from a distance, and it is very healing.  Just the right amount of relationship for me, while I continue to put the one with S in it’s proper place, and gain perspective on it.

I’ve learned that I caused so much of the pain I experienced, by trusting S with out his having earned my trust.  I’ve learned that I have to love myself first, and demand what I need.  Over the summer, I thought what I needed was him, but when he refused, what I needed and demanded was that he let me go.  I realize now, that I should have just gone, I didn’t need his permission, or release, because he wasn’t going to give it.  He wanted me to continue to adore him, to desire him…..no matter the cost to me.

I’m stronger now, and wiser.  Whoever I love next, will get a balanced, more mature love, and all the passion I lavished on S…I will have more for the next one.  Because I will make wiser choices, I will love myself more and know my own worth and therefore, attract someone who also feels that way about himself and me. No more high school drama.

It’s all good.  I’m in a good place this morning.  Content again.

Set Back

I set myself back today, way back. I was so good this morning. And I cried all the way home, and haven’t stopped.  He started off with an angry text because of my last blog, Questions Without Answers.  I apologize to all of you, who were cheering me on.

First off, he’s with her.  Why is he even reading my blogs, and 2nd, why does he care what I write? What does it matter, she’s his life now, what I say is just peripheral, and should have no effect on him.  I have to write.  It’s my only outlet.  My friends are sick of listening to me cry.  Complain.  Bitch.  And cry some more.  I can’t even tell A, he has been so good to me, he loves me, but even he will want to excuse himself if I start up with him again.  This is all I have, and he hovers over it as if he cared, but he doesn’t.

He says he apologized.  I said, yes you apologized for choosing her, and breaking my heart.  You didn’t ever apologize for telling via text, like a 14 yr old adolescent boy, hit and run.  “I’m with someone else and I’m busy and I don’t want to talk about it.”  Never.  No apology.  You should have been here, face to face, and dealt with the devastation you caused like a man.  Not left me in the street bleeding. Not treated me like yesterday’s trash.

But this is all repetitive.

We texted for about 3 hours.  I told him that calling him a 14 yr old adolescent was only stating the obvious.  That everyone’s first words, were “Really???  Like a teenager?? How old is this guy?”  No one needed me to tell them how immature and cruel and thoughtless that was.

But it’s water over the dam now.  He wants her, I don’t want him.  Well, I do.  I will for a long time.  But he wants her, even if he didn’t want her, I could never ever expose my heart to this much pain again.

He told me I wasn’t devastated, just jealous.  Wow…..I said, Yeah I’m jealous.  A woman who is a whore, a bitch and a bimbo is sleeping with the man I love.  You BET I am jealous.

After I’d said that about 5 times, he asked why I keep trashing her.  I said, I call a spade a spade.  I had to learn to read people when I was married and divorcing a manipulative asshole.    She #1) makes sure she gets paid for her time with you.  A new kitchen, a new car, maybe help with her credit card debt.  Who knows this time, probably help with her divorce.  Just like the prison whore, just the stakes are higher.  No different than the $50 you paid the prison whore, just cost you way more. She #2) left you when you were diagnosed with untreatable liver cancer.  (A miracle experimental drug saved his life).  If that’s not being a total bitch, and devoid of any human feeling, I don’t know what is. She thought you were dying, and she left you. She #3) left you then, as soon as you were done with the kitchen, I think you said the day later on your birthday…to marry some man she’d been cheating on you with.  That’s a bimbo.  The definition of all 3, in Websters, should have her picture.  I asked him what he did to piss her off.  Because he says he hates my temper.  I said, oh, yeah, well I do have a temper, and I lose it and then I get over it, and I don’t hold a grudge once something is settled it’s settled.  I don’t store it up, so that I can fuck someone up 6 months later when they are at their most vulnerable moment.  Personally, I think THAT’S a bad temper.  And a devious one, and a manipulative one.  Mine, is flat out anger, at injustice usually. It is fiery for a few minutes.  Seems to me, that would be easier to deal with than having someone leave you when you’re sick, after they’ve gotten 10’s of $1000’s from you, to be with someone they cheated on you with.  But that’s just me.  I’d take the honesty any day.

And then I said, so she comes back to you.  And she’s so sweet and cunning, isn’t she….you just can’t resist….You don’t even know where she’s been all week?  Do you care? It is sickening, that that’s the kind of woman he wants.  Just sickening.  Fucked up.  Royally.

I think that’s when he told me to leave him alone.  But I didn’t….because I was on a roll.  And he didn’t either. But we did say some t things that weren’t ugly, that we both needed to say.  And I ended up in the bathroom at work, sitting in there, crying. Wondering how I was gonna finish the day.  Not devastated?  No, decimated.  Crushed. Used Up. Wrecked. Shattered.  Broken.  Bruised.  Beat up. DEVASTATED.

Someone else is in his bed and his heart, no, I’m not devastated.  He is denying it, but he knows it’s true.  He knows I loved him more than I can say.  He knows I gave him everything I could give him, and asked for nothing.  Those things he knows.

I will never ever be the same.  I will be ok, I will recover, but I will never ever be the same.  I will look twice before I trust again.  Maybe 3, 4, 10 times.  100 times.  I will hold onto my heart, and probably fuck it up with a good man because I’m so fucking scared to give my heart away again.  I’ll never go to a beach around here without wishing he were with me.  Good thing I’m moving.  New beaches, new places, where he won’t be ghosting my psyche all the time.  Even the town he lives in, I won’t want to go to anymore.  And it’s a beautiful little town. Lots of tourists because it’s so beautiful.

He wanted me to go to the beach with him yesterday, why didn’t I go?  “Do you think I want to see you when you are sleeping with someone else?  Do you think I want to look in those eyes and see someone else’s reflection?  Are you THAT cold, that you think that would be ok with me?”

He blasted me for being online, on a dating site.  Why does he care?  What does he expect.  Yes, I said.  Of course I am.  Of course I’m looking for a man that will soothe my aching heart, and make me forget about you.

So, I have been messaging with a nice man, looks nice in his pics, loves the ocean like me.  Seems we have something in common.  My heart isn’t in it, but I’m going to meet him for coffee after work one day, because I have to force myself to get out there, and stop sitting home making myself sick.  I got a nice message from a different man today, but too busy to check him out. I might respond, just to put the energy out there, just to get used to trying to deal with the fact that this is where I’m at. That the man I love wants someone else, and ruined me. The fact that she’s the kind of woman she is, only rubs salt in the wound. I have to start from square 1 again.

So, I guess I need to stop talking to him, again, because this is all that’s going to happen.  I’m gonna miss him more, and hurt more, and still know we can never be together.  I just want to curl up in a ball and hide out.    He’s gonna get an ego boost out of my pain.  He’s going to keep me engaged.  I need to let go.

It’s only been a week and 2 days.  I guess I shouldn’t be beating myself up so much for still wanting him so much.

Wanting, or Needing? I Know My Answer

It was late. The pain was still raw, as if I’d had surgery done on my heart. The anger visceral, because it covered the pain. Demons gnawed at my very sinew, baring their bloody teeth. Some of them churned my stomach, like a hurricane in the middle of my body. My breath, my very breath, was being stolen from me. I could feel the fury coursing through my veins, my eyes and head and heart pounding in an evil dance.

I sat on the edge of the bed.

“I don’t want to get in.” I said, to nobody. “Maybe I’ll go sleep on the couch. Then I won’t think of him. Sleeping with her, never with me again.” Although loathe to sleep in my bed, I knew I had to do put one leg in, then the other. Lay on the pillows that we used to share. I had to be comfortable in my own bed.

But first, I put on a nightgown. So I wouldn’t have visions of him, not next to me naked. Next to her naked. So I wouldn’t feel the luxury of the sheets on my skin. So I could avoid the worst pain.

I sat on the edge of the bed again. I had to know. “Is she sleeping in your bed?” I asked. “No.” I drew out some more anger, to mask the pain.

Sleeping pills and wine… I got a little sleep somehow.

I woke 2 hours later, it was 3 AM. I called him, but he wouldn’t answer. I wanted to know. I needed to know. How long had I been the fool?

I’m still the fool. Because I still let it hurt me. Because I still allow the anger to consume me. Because he’s not worth it, he’s never given me back anything. Yet, I sat there, sit here, empty. Wanting him to fill the void.

I guess I always did, and because he was here with me, I thought some day he would.

There’s always a lesson. Some people can’t. Just can’t, fill an emotional void. Some people run from the emotions. They don’t want to feel. So they numb. Numb with drugs, numb with alcohol, numb with cigarettes, numb with food. Some people numb the present by living in the past, because, you can rewrite your past. You can make a nightmare into a dream. Or a dream into a nightmare. And believe it.

I’m kind of getting it. Having someone who needs you to take care of them, keeps you from having to invest in them emotionally. “See, see what I did for you. How can you question my love for you?” “I gave you a kitchen, I bought you a car. Of course I love you.”

But something made her run, into the arms of another man. Who, of course, she didn’t even know, let alone love. A grown woman? No, an emotional teenager. And now she wants out, and of course, he will take care of it for her. Of course. It will prove that he loves her. Of course, it doesn’t prove that she loves him. It only proves that she needs  him.  Then when she runs again, after she is free….he can wear his pain like a badge, “All women hurt me. I don’t ever want to love again.”

All women, except me. I didn’t hurt him. But I didn’t want anything either. Except his love. That was it, that was all.  The one thing that he gives no one.  Not even himself.

But I’ll be gone. I’ll be in the arms and bed of someone who wants me, and doesn’t need to take care of me.

I don’t want to need anyone, nor do I want to be needed. But want, oh what a glorious thing that is, to want someone, and have them want you back. I’ll find him.

Disclaimer:  I don’t know for a fact that any of that about her is true.  It is my intuitions best guess.  Only time will tell.

The Prayer, My Prayer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbviXG_56ss

There was a time in my life, about 4 years from 2007 to 2011, when I was just spending every moment trying to hold my own in court against my abusive crazy ex.  My son came to live with me in 2009, but I still had nothing, except my paycheck and some child support, to support us until the Supreme Court decision in 2011.  After 30 years of marriage he held every asset we owned and the court would not order him to release any of it to me, except for attorney’s funds. My car was falling apart, I was building up a good chunk of credit card debt.  I was scared a lot, but had to keep pushing on, for my son and I. I don’t remember ever feeling safe, or that my son was. It was without a doubt, the hardest 4 years of my 64.

I would listen to this song, and sing along with it, the words

Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we’ll be safe.

And then I’d cry, and pray.

In the end it all turned out ok.  My prayer was answered.  But whenever I hear this, I can remember…..