So dawns a new day. I still have not heard a peep from him. I left another voicemail, I have texted him. It is unlike him to hold a grudge with me, especially when I am so obviously trying to find my way back to him. But this morning, acceptance is setting in.
I had a nightmare about him last night. And now I’m trying to see if I can logically understand why he is silent. So far these are my choices.
1. He’s still angry with me for being so hurt the other night. He cannot stand being the bad guy. All it required was an “I’m sorry”. We all make mistakes, he made one in not telling me he was not going to come. He made one in underestimating how much it meant to me. But a heartfelt “I’m sorry” would have gone a long way. A phone call would have been nice.
2. He read the blogs I wrote after, “Crash and Burn” and “Sifting through the smoldering ruins” and was furious. He dislikes i when I write about him, us. When we are published on the internet. No one knows me, or him. He says, “yes, but when your book is published they will know who you are, and then who I am….” That’s still such a long shot. But I have to write about me. I have told him any blog I write is a snapshot in time of how I am feeling at that moment. So why don’t I just journal it, why publish? Because when I am in pain, confused, fearful I long for feedback from my peers. The community helps me through it, helps me not to feel so alone. I am quite able, obviously, when my feelings change, or circumstances change, to own it, and correct it here. I rue the day I ever gave him the link to this blog. It puts a bracket on my freedom to write what I feel here.
3. Maybe he is too sick to communicate with me. I can’t know that he actually went to work yesterday. I do know that he wasn’t in the hospital. I do know that he didn’t die, because I checked the obits this morning. Sounds morbid, I know, but if he had an aneurism, which could kill him instantly, I would never know, I would never be told by anyone because no one knows of me. So it was some kind of black comfort not to see his name there. Maybe he is just in too much pain to add the stress of talking to me to it. But…he doesn’t have to talk with me. Just to tell me how he is, in a text or an email, and then ask me to continue to leave him alone, and I will. Just to ease my mind.
4. I have occasionally, thought, what if his ex girlfriend leaves her new husband (that she found within 4 months of breaking up with him after 12 years) and wants him back? He told me many times he was not over her, that he thought she was the one. I asked him not that long ago, maybe a couple months, what he would do if that happened. He said he didn’t know. Which didn’t help me feel secure with him at all, obviously. There is no making sense of who we choose to love, he says he loved her, and she took him for so much….. I just don’t know. But it is what it is. I mean, I still love him after all the ups and downs we have had, when it is quite obvious to me that this is not a healthy relationship. This #4 reason leads me to the nightmare.
I dreamed he finally called me. We were, in the dream, on the phone, but I could see him at his house as well. He told me he was in love. His voice was odd, kind of a falsetto. He has in reality a deep, sexy voice. I kept asking with who? And he just kept telling me it was real, he was finally in love. (He constantly told me he didn’t want to be in love.) Then I could see his ex girlfriend in his jacuzzi. And I said, “tell me who it is or I’m hanging up.” He got mad at that threat and started yelling back at me on the phone. I hung up, I woke up.
This morning I can’t help but wonder if the universe was telling me something. I don’t even know what to look up on dreammoods.com. It is so unusual for me to dream about him, about anyone I know, and to remember it, though I am sure I remember it because it woke me.
So where am I at this morning? Still numb, thankfully, from the wine and an Ambien. It’s nice how the two combine to knock you out on a night when you’d not have slept otherwise. Especially after the dream. I am accepting that I can’t do anything about his refusal to communicate. I can call the hospitals again, and make sure he’s not there. I considered calling his ex-wife, who doesn’t know me, and asking her to check on him. Because I am pretty sure, that unless he goes in the hospital, he has not told his family about his health issues either. By family I mean ex-wife and kids. But then I think, in my best Byron Katie mind, no don’t do that. Then you are in HIS business. (you know, there are three kinds of business: Mine, other peoples, and God’s)
So to try to stay in my business, only mine today, I won’t try to reach him but just let it be, as he used to tell me all the time. Maybe he’ll be in touch when he feels up to it. Maybe he never will be again. My business is to go on with my life. So, I’m going to go get my hair done, go to the grocery store, go get 2 new tires for my car and maybe talk to my ex husband about our son while they put the tires on, since his business is right next door to the tire place. But his business is weather related and we are supposed to have a huge storm this afternoon (of course, it’s Saturday) so he might not be there. That should keep me clear of him until tonight.
Acceptance of what you truly don’t want to have to accept is such a mind-fuck But again, it’s reality. He is not communicating with me, and I need to respect that is how he wants it, for whatever reason. I can’t put too much energy into that thought, the lump in my throat begins to grow again.
Slowly taking steps to move beyond this pain.