I walked with my cousin this morning, a short walk, just a couple of miles. The rain stopped, it was cloudy, and though it was very humid, it was cooler, not quite 80. It was a pleasant change. It’s was that way all day, til a short time ago.
We talk, deep and honest, always. I talked to her about moving, and when I talked about leaving my son in Denver, I started crying. Geezus.
The walk was nice, but I can’t even talk about that without losing it. I don’t know how I’m going to actually do it.
Then I went to the grocery store this afternoon. I ran into one of my best friends there. We have known each other 22 years, since our kids were 2 and in Story Hour at the library together. Her daughter and my son were born on the same day. My son is older, lol, by 3 hours. A fact he never let her daughter forget. She was part of our small book club.
She had just come home from a big family vacation to Ireland and England, with some side trips, one to Paris for a few days, I think. I had called her to see if she wanted to go for a walk about 3 or 4 weeks ago and she said, “Um…I’m in Ireland.” LOL. I said, “Oh, I guess you don’t want to go then…..” And laughed. We talked a little, texted a little.
So it was good to see her, and just catch up briefly. I told her I sold the house while she was gone, and she looked happy and sad in the same moment. We talked about it briefly, because she had an engagement she had to get to, but I choked up again, talking about taking son to CO. I am a basket case. I so wish he had a father. Or I should say, a father who wasn’t a sociopath. Anyway, we are going to try to get the book club together to say goodbye the week after next.
I truly can’t believe I’ll be out of here in 6 weeks. I’ve feel like I’ve been talking about it forever. It’s been so often, my final escape from so much drama in my life, from men who can’t love, or won’t, who have caused me so much pain. Men who have taken all I would give, and given me back nothing except pain, and heartache, and lies.
Now I look at it as just an awesome thing I get to do. I’m so over all of that. I think about it, and I think, the drama goes on, I’m sure. Just without me. Because, really….how could there ever be any trust there? Yeah, she lied, a small tiny lie to make him stop lying to her, to make him believe he’d been caught red-handed. I seriously only objected to it because she involved me, and it just wasn’t true. But really, he’s the one who cannot tell the truth. How could she ever ever trust her heart to him again? So much like my ex. Just cannot talk without trying to manipulate someone.
I feel like, she’s just in her comfort zone with him, and willing to put up with his bullshit. She was never going to talk to him again, twice now, til I did. So she did. What kind of foundation for a relationship is that? If I’d told him to come here that night 6 weeks ago when he asked me so many times….what would she have done then? Wanted him back? I was leaving anyway….who knows? Such a game they play.
Whatever. It’s none of my business. Sometimes I just go off on a tangent, it was part of my life way too long. I still feel connected to him on some level, it’s weird. But it doesn’t stop me from living this life. If we are connected through past lives, which I feels sure we are, we will bump into each other again. But this life time….I don’t think so.
The whole point, now, is….I get to retire. I don’t have to work, unless I want to. I intend to find a part-time job, grocery money. I get to live by the water, which has always been my other home. I get to do the things I love to do, that I have a passion for, and not spend the bulk of my time at a stressful job. I will be so free. As hard as it will be to say goodbye to my son, the fact that he’s not going to be living with me, makes me all the more free.
I didn’t do any packing today. Just normal house chores. Laundry, shopping, making some food so we’ll have food to eat during the week. Now I’m outside in the sacred space, lol. With a dark rum and diet coke and half a lime squeezed into it. Feeling pretty content. Sun is out, and it’s breezy. This mornings humidity is blowing away.
As are the last years tears, and pain, and drama. Blowing away, leaving cool, clean energy in it’s place. Life is so good.
Love and light, everyone.