Back on an Even Keel

even keel

(( The top picture was me yesterday.  The bottom picture is me today. )

My eyes opened with the first rays of daylight this morning. I had gone to bed late, almost midnight, and managed to somehow get back to sleep for another hour. When I woke, I realized I was sore…from washing windows, mopping floors, carrying bags of empty bottles from the basement storage room to my recycling bin. I have a bit more to do this morning to have the house in shape for the showing today.

The thing was, I woke happy. Despite the early hour. Despite being alone. Despite a lawn mower that won’t start, lol. I feel like I got my clarity back, which was missing yesterday. Triggers, I guess. Just triggers. I see them, I know what they are. I just have to sit through them. Sitting with our feelings.

I find it difficult to comprehend at times, how someone could so devastate me, knowing how I felt about him, with all we shared together, and never wonder if I am ok. Never just say “hi, hope all is well. Happy for you about your Florida house.” How could I have loved, and been so intimate with someone who can be so cold? I suppose he has his own fucked up reasons. He will say he doesn’t need to ask, he reads my blog. And doesn’t feel the need to hear me say it. And for some reason, doesn’t think I want to know that he too is ok.

Whatever. I’m used to his callousness. His thoughtlessness. His selfishness. He’s got what he wants, what else matters?

Maybe just too much water under the bridge now. Idk. I was, still am, angry at him for showing her my writing. For even telling her it existed. Rightfully so. It was none of her business, what we did together. And then her, for having to tell me. So childish, immature of both of them. I’m not ashamed of what I wrote, but I wrote it for him, at his request, because I loved him. To have it cheapened, denigrated to less than it was, to appease her jealousy…..

On top of denying what he clearly felt, all the time we were together, again, to appease her jealousy.

Maybe it’s better I don’t talk to him. Some sick dysfunction going on there. Contact can only make me feel bad again. No contact is hard, but not nearly as hard as having the whole situation shoved in my face again.

Today I know I am moving closer to my dream. Today is one day closer to waking up in my Florida home, 1500 miles away from all the trauma of the last year. New experiences. New people. New joys. I am hoping that the unbreakable connection stretches thin over 1500 miles. I am hoping that I will be so preoccupied with my new life, I won’t think about the old life. At least, not the painful parts of it.

While my house is shown today, I’m going with my friend that I went out to eat with, to look for a dress for her for a wedding. And then to Sam’s Club, to restock the house. She just sold her house, just accepted an offer Friday. She got her full asking price. I’m so happy for her, and it made me hopeful. So glad I have such good friends.

That, and seeing a sundog yesterday. I think the universe knew I needed a sign. 🙂 All in all, things are moving ahead, with the plan I’ve always had. Plans that didn’t depend on a narcissistic man to complete them. I have always said, I wanted him, but I never needed him. I still don’t need him. And the want part…well….it’s fading.

Love and light to all.

Advertisements

11 responses to “Back on an Even Keel

  1. This right here:

    “The thing was, I woke happy. Despite the early hour. Despite being alone. Despite a lawn mower that won’t start, lol. I feel like I got my clarity back, which was missing yesterday. Triggers, I guess. Just triggers. I see them, I know what they are. I just have to sit through them. Sitting with our feelings.”

    Is what matters most. That you’re centered for the time being. You sat with your feelings. You acknowledged them and have them the time they needed, then you moved on from them.

    Do more of that.

    I’m so happy you’re leveled today. It makes me smile. Enjoy your friend and this Sunday.

    🙂

  2. He sounds like an ass.
    Can you make up a pseudo writers name? Or does he know your ip address?
    If you haven’t hooked up the Internet to your new address, get a new name.
    He really needs a job or another hobby…

    • He has a job, lol. I think his hobby is making her jealous. And then believing it’s love. Whatever. I stupidly gave him the link to my blog over s year ago. Though I haven’t talked to him in a few weeks or seen him since January, he was still reading every word, narcissist that he is. He can’t comment, though he tried. He set up a phony blog just so he could but didn’t realize every comment needs approval from me. I haven’t moved yet, I have to sell this house first. But I did set up a 2nd blog, which is private, by invitation only, they he can’t read. I don’t use it much now, but did when this was all coming down. I can send you an invitation if donutsplace is your username. Like I say I don’t post there much any more, mostly because it pissed me off that I felt censored by he and her. So I just write my truth and if they dont like it they can fuck off. Or own up and change. Whatever.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.