Fingers

fingers of fear

Fingers of doubt reach out
Trying to get a grip.
Touching my skin,
I tremble at their old familiar touch
Unwelcome sensations

Fingers of distrust
poke through the landscape
screaming across empty plains
and still forests
Trying to shake my resolve

I stand my ground
Give them nothing to hold onto.
There are no receptacles for their inept warnings.
Safe, because I know who I am
My center is grounded
And aware.

The fingers of doubt and distrust
withdraw and dissolve
When we don’t need the answers
To everything
Now.
Live like water and let life flow through us.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Pinterest

Hard Night, Beautiful Morning

I slept hard last night. Nightmare, of hate and anger. Displaced, afraid. Real fear that they were coming to get me, and that I would die in their hands. (I don’t know who they were, maybe Nazi’s.  With tanks. And soldiers marching.)  Then, in the dream, I told myself I was dreaming. And that I could combat their hate and anger and fear with love.

I did. I turned the tide, I sent the fear packing, I taught them that they deserved love, and they lay down their arms.

Still, it was a hard and terrifying dream.

Not sure what brought it on. Probably some deep-seated stuff, from the past.

Whatever. This morning I awoke early, around 5:30. My room was cool, I could hear the faint hum of the ceiling fan. I tried to go back to sleep but decided about 20 minutes later that that was not happening. I got up, tried to write, and did, but not sure it’s worthy of publication. I need to re-read and edit.

I decided it was time for me to see the sunrise here in my new hometown. So I quickly got dressed in my bathing suit top, and a skort, and drove the short mile or so to the beach. I parked along the street, as the first rays of dawn broke the sky.

There is a long fishing pier on the beach. I headed down the pier, into the gray and pink early morning light. The pier was dotted with a few fishermen, people walking dogs, people exercising. But not more than a dozen people in all. They all greeted me, everyone, with a “Good morning.”

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Felt like I was taken into a brother/sisterhood, of people who love the morning. I walked to the end of the pier. I guess it’s maybe 500′ long? I’m a bad judge of distance.

On the way, I passed a gull on the rail, so still I didn’t think it was real. He just watched me as I passed by. Then, a great blue heron flew in and landed on the rail, about 100′ in front of me. As I approached, taking my camera out of my pocket, it flew away.

I got to the end of the pier, and sat on a bench. I was alone. I set my cup of coffee next to me and closed my eyes and just breathed. Tried to take in that this was now my home. Listened to nothing but the sounds of the sea birds, and worked at finding peace again, the remnants of that nightmare still on the fringes of my psyche.

When I opened my eyes again, the sky to the east was breaking dawn. Turning the clouds pink, and gold. It is something I will never tire of, seeing a day come in over the water like that.

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There were a lot of boats anchored in the bay, many with their dinghies laying in the water behind them, signaling that they were aboard. I thought how lovely a place to anchor out. One boat had two dinghies behind it. I made up a story in my head of people coming from one boat to the other, drinking wine and talking late into the night, too late and too dark to find their way back to their own boat, and staying with friends instead. Like Van Morrison’s song, “So Quiet in Here”. “this must be what paradise is like, so quiet in here….”

After awhile, two women came walking past my bench, and struck up a conversation. One of them had a dog, she did not stay long, her dog was anxious to go. But the other woman and I talked. She’s lived here for 20-something years. She used to live in Philly and Martha’s Vineyard. We talked about the Vineyard, and the breach that happened about 8 years ago in the south beach, and changed the whole nature of Katama Bay, and made Chappaquiddick a real island.

She walks often, she said, so maybe I’ll see her again there. Her name was Mary.

I got up and walked back down the pier Most of the fishermen had gone by then. I walked along the sidewalks, past what says is a casino, but is really a dance hall now, advertising lessons and dancing in fox trot, tango…ballroom dancing, for $8. No partner needed. Might be fun to learn the tango. Outside is a sculpture which says this town is Florida’s best kept secret. I’m beginning to agree. I walked past the permanent beach vollyball courts, and along the beach for a while.

As the town woke up, I headed back home, to record this, my first sunrise here. What a lovely way to start the day. I think it may become a habit.

Love and light.

Working Through the Angst

This has been the hardest day yet. Trying to help my son get the bike rack on his car, and I could barely stand there, with the car full of all his stuff. Trying to help him arrange it so it all fit, plus the two carry-on bags that have to go in tomorrow morning. I came back in the house and walked around aimlessly, looking for something to do to take my mind off the fact that this would be the last day I ever spent living in the same house with him.

I decided to go to the store, and pick up snacks for us. He needed a bike lock. I needed to get the hell out where there were people. I managed to suck it up, and get the bike lock. In the store, I couldn’t even imagine what we’d want for snacks in the car because my stomach was so upset. I picked out a few things, then just decided we’d have to stop somewhere along the way and get things to refill the snack bag. I have a small cooler to put water bottles in.

When I got home, we were sitting watching TV together, because his TV was in the car. He put on a movie, a comedy. We both started laughing. Then he said, “Mom, you gotta get it together or this is going to be an awful long trip.” I said, “I’m trying.” I was able to express some heartfelt emotions to him, then. And he to me. And then we just kept talking…..And I think I was able to pull myself back from the edge quite a ways.

He is, as most young people are, a bit self centered, and didn’t realize how hard this was for me, even though I was the one who set it all in motion. And I perhaps have not wanted to burden him with the difficulty I am having with everything, because he’s my kid, and I don’t want him worried about me. But now, I explained to him that even if this house here were paid off, I’d still have to come up with $600 a month in taxes. That I want to be able to enjoy life for a few years. I told him how much money I’ll save there, and he knows how I hate winter. He finally said, “Mom, I’m gonna be 25 on my next birthday. I shouldda been out of the house already.” I smiled and said, “No, I don’t think so. I think you and I needed this house. We needed to be here. This is the happiest place we’ve ever lived and we deserved that. We had 5 good years here, really good for us. Now it’s time for us both to move on.”

So we are on the same page. I feel so much better. The unspoken fears we both had, and perhaps a little misunderstanding between us about what was going on for each of us on an emotional level, were eating at us both. Thank God we are able to communicate, in a loving and close way. No accusations, no blaming. Just listening to each other, and honoring our feelings.

He’s going out with his friends for sushi tonight. I’m going to a gong bath. Then we’ll come home, and go to bed, and begin our new adventure tomorrow. I think I’ll be ok. I think I see the light returning to my psyche.

Breathing, exhaling. I have a great kid. He has a great future in front of him, and so do I.

Love and light.

Questions (A Poem)

question-mark-sand

Do you know, she asked
How big is the space within my heart?
Or do you just guess
That it’s the same as the space in yours?

He looked at her quizzically.

She laughed.
“You, who has spent no time
trying to open your heart.
You have no idea
How much love it can hold.”

You can’t know,
If all you do is protect
The small perceived space
That you think your heart holds.

She smiled.
“Come see me,
When you are sick
Of being afraid.”

Afraid to be loved.
Afraid to love.
Afraid to feel.
Afraid
Afraid
Afraid.

“I’ll still be here…..
Because
What you feel about me
Is none of my business.
But what I feel for you….
Makes me happy.”

He looked at her,
Questions galore in his beautiful eyes.
She smiled at him
Hiding nothing
Unashamed
Unafraid.

He turned,
He could not meet her gaze.
He walked away.
She watched him,
And turned her gaze to the sea.

At that moment,
He stopped,
And looked back.
Questioning…..

So Hum

I meditate most mornings, for 15 or 20 minutes. To start my day, to center and ground me. I prefer guided meditations in the morning. Usually I choose a meditation that guides you in, with an intent, but then, lets you go off in silence, with only the music. I find the music helps block the internal chatter that might otherwise distract me. I find a mantra to repeat is also good to help keep my mind silent.

I have a favorite meditation from Youtube.  This meditation uses the mantra “So Hum”, which is traditional for meditation. It means, “I am”. Since “I am” is traditionally God’s name, they say (the wise spiritual teachers of the millennia) never to follow the words “I am” with anything that God could not be. Like, never say, I am stupid. I am ugly. I’m an asshole. Because, God is not, could not be, those things, lol.

And God lives within us, as us. (Lesson from Eat Pray Love, thank you Liz Gilbert.)

So this morning, I listened to this meditation, and as she guided us to say “So Hum” I began to cry. It surprised me, seriously. I have not felt sad this morning. I slept well last night. But…crying I was.

I realized, when I got to the place where I could just observe myself, that I just have a lot of emotion I am afraid to let surface, over this move. Not that I don’t want to do it, I do. I have dreamed of it. It’s just, all the goodbyes I have to say. To my friends, who are my family here. Mostly, though, to my son.

It brings so much pain to know he will be so far away. It has just been the two of us for so very long. We have gone through so much together. We’ve grown, we’ve had our joys, and our growing pains. I remembered when his father would pass out on the floor watching TV, and we’d both go to bed. He in his room, me next to him in the guest room that became my room for the last 5 years of my marriage. We’d talk, he’d make me laugh so hard. He and I had our own separate world then, about which his controlling father knew nothing. I swear those nights, my son sitting on my bed talking and laughing, made it all bearable, as I planned and plotted a way to get us free.

We created a bond which will never be broken, it is a connection that miles cannot stretch. He will always be my best friend, and I his.

This last thought made the tears stop, and I caught my breath. I am. He is. We are.

The meditation starts out with a centering thought. I am perfection, I am healthy, I am strong.

I am, we are, you are.

Love and light……

 

Self Regained, A Poem

whatyouseek

I was at that place today
You know the one.
You’ve been there too.

Daydreams collide
Fiction and fantasy
What was and what wasn’t
What could be and what can’t.
What is, and what isn’t.

Confusion and conflict wove
My head and my heart
Into a chaotic tapestry
Of love and pain, regret and hope.

Things I’d forgotten,
Or, tried to,
Danced rings around my psyche
Spiraling around me
Squeezing the breath out of me.

Days yet to come
Jousted for position
Among the dancers
Painting the pictures with the wind
On the surface of my soul.

I stayed there til it settled.
The spinning stopped,
The dancers grew tired,
The jousting painters dipped their brushes
Tentatively, beginning their work.

And I, in the center,
Of all that commotion
Regained myself.