Haiku No. 166: Incessant Silence (2 parts)

incessant silence

Tentative, she steps
Unsure, insecure, trying
To expel the fear.

She has no answers
Only questions, plaguing her
Incessant silence.

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Questions (A Poem)

question-mark-sand

Do you know, she asked
How big is the space within my heart?
Or do you just guess
That it’s the same as the space in yours?

He looked at her quizzically.

She laughed.
“You, who has spent no time
trying to open your heart.
You have no idea
How much love it can hold.”

You can’t know,
If all you do is protect
The small perceived space
That you think your heart holds.

She smiled.
“Come see me,
When you are sick
Of being afraid.”

Afraid to be loved.
Afraid to love.
Afraid to feel.
Afraid
Afraid
Afraid.

“I’ll still be here…..
Because
What you feel about me
Is none of my business.
But what I feel for you….
Makes me happy.”

He looked at her,
Questions galore in his beautiful eyes.
She smiled at him
Hiding nothing
Unashamed
Unafraid.

He turned,
He could not meet her gaze.
He walked away.
She watched him,
And turned her gaze to the sea.

At that moment,
He stopped,
And looked back.
Questioning…..

Answers, and More Questions

I don’t know what to do.

After all the stupid bs with S in the last 12 hours, I needed to put it to rest and focus on my own life.  I was afraid he was going to so freak out that he’d show up at my house, with his eyes glazed over or something.  (Not that I’ve ever seen him like that, but he’s got a temper and he used to just withdraw when he lost it, because, he said, “people get hurt when I get mad.”)  So in an effort to avoid another ugly scene, I called and left him a voice mail, trying to reassure him I had no interest in communicating with Betty Boop.  But if he needed to talk to me about it, to reassure himself, then to leave me a voice mail and I’d call him back. I have not heard so I guess he’s ok with it.  I hope.

That’s the end of it for me.  I got my answers, finally, as to what happened to our relationship, and now I can leave it in peace.  What goes on between the two of them, whatever happens, I want it to be a result of the way they treat and respect and care for each other, I want nothing to do with it. It’s so far from anything I’d even dream of, I can leave it behind me without another thought.

When I got home, it was already late, and I’d promised A I would call so we could discuss him coming here for Christmas.  I had a headache from work which is insanely busy as I cover two desks, and from the ridiculous situation with S.  It all gave me a massive headache.

I don’t want to talk to A about the S situation.  It’s too stupid and sick to even tell someone.  I think he is sick to death of hearing about S, as am I, but the guy keeps popping into my life from the sidelines.  So I didn’t tell A about the dream, or about all the lies I uncovered today, because it’s all irrelevant to anything except giving me the answers I wanted.  Well, it was relevant I guess, because it distracted me.  I don’t feel I can talk to  him about it, bottom line.

I thought A was going camping until Dec. 29 and he could come here the next day and stay until I went back to work, the 5th.  He got so excited, that without discussing it, he canceled his camping plans and now wants to come for 2 weeks.  And that terrifies me, I would like 5 or 6 days, but 2 weeks?  I don’t want to live with him….I really care for him, and it will hurt him if I don’t want it.  I don’t want to hurt him, but man he’s always jumping ahead of me.

Before I called him, I sat in silence, and did about a 10 minute self-reiki session.  Trying to unblock myself, trying to be able to hear what my intuition is telling me.  My third eye chakra was friggin pulsing.  My heart felt blocked.  I think that even though I was over S before I even found them out, to discover the huge mass of lies just made my heart chakra close up a little.  Or a lot.  I don’t know.

So A and I talked.  He’s flying across the country, he wants to stay for a while.  While I get that, I’m not ready for it.  I don’t want company for that long, I am so independent, I am not ready for him to move in here, with no options to stay anywhere else.  He wants us to see how we are for the long haul, I want to spend 2 weeks together when I know already that I want it.

I told A I needed to run it by my son, because he lives here, and I think he deserves a say in it.  My son’s reaction was like mine, 2 weeks?  That’s a long time.

When I hung up, I felt pressured.  I told him he always jumps in and gets so far ahead of where I am.  This is all why I don’t think a long distance relationship will work for me.  It has to grow on me, I can’t force it.  I’m afraid A has grown on me as much as he’s going to.  And I know he’s so in love with me.  I’m trying really, I’ve always tried.

I asked him to let it roll around my head for another day or two. Maybe I’m just worn out. I don’t think that’s it.  I just don’t have the energy to have to pull in the reins on him,constantly.  Not when I’ve just gotten my hands burned letting them go with S. I just need to be alone I think.  Even though I’m sick of being alone.

I guess I already know what the answer is. It’s gonna break his heart.

Even In My Sleep

It was a rough night last night.  Maybe because I opened up to A about my struggle to reclaim myself..  Maybe because I got hit by one of those rogue waves on the way home from work.  But last night I wrote the next two paragraphs in the middle of the night.

He came to me in a dream. We were together the way we used to be. For awhile, sweet, loving.  And then he began to tell me about being with her, and taking care of something for her. I got so angry. He wanted to know why I was ruining our good time being jealous of her.  I told him to leave. It was exactly the way he would act, the words were exactly what he would say about it. Cut my heart open and ask why I would bleed. 

I woke up wracked in pain, sobbing shaking. I could still feel him, smell him, taste him. I’m afraid to go back to sleep. Afraid he will come again and torture me. Can’t he just leave me alone?

Even in my sleep.  It was such a vivid dream, almost like a visitation.  I suppose there was a reason.  Maybe the purpose is to make me more fully accept that he chose her.  I am apparently still struggling with that, I think it’s mostly because of the way he just turned on me that day.  Suddenly I went from the one he wanted to be with, to a pariah, that he just wanted to quickly get me out of his life to make room for her.

He has since said, no, he wanted to keep me in his life, but under conditions he knows I could never accept.  And there is no trust now, I will never trust him again.

I felt like it was an energetic connection, manifesting.  I rarely remember my dreams, let alone feel so much from them.  Maybe because I’ve cut off all forms of communication to him, this is how his soul will communicate with me.  It’s exactly what he continued to try to convince me to do. To be with him, while he’s still with her. 

I’m considering going to the psychic, to try to understand what holds me back. What it is that keeps me connected.  It doesn’t feel normal.  It’s not like any connection, anything at all, that I’ve ever experienced before. Maybe I’ll talk to my friend Linda, who plays the gongs, but also does many types of energy work, including hypnotherapy.
My dear friend A….is another issue.  And I think talking to him last night didn’t help this struggle any, but I needed him to try to understand, which he doesn’t.  He wants to change my mind. He wants me to rest in his love, and forget about it.  I’ve done that before, but it can’t last, because I need to deal with the reason I chose to be with S, against all reason.  Why did I stay when I knew he would hurt me.  When he TOLD me he  would hurt me. Why did I choose not to believe him.  I tell everyone else, when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. But I ignored that sage advice.

I need to know why.  I need to learn how to do it.  I need to understand.  And I need to find a way to stop loving the man.  And stop missing him.  And to stop seeing him as that little boy who just wanted to be loved, but as an adult couldn’t trust it when he got it, and instead fought it, fought not to have it, and found someone who can’t and wont give it to him, and he won’t give it to her.

Until I get this, I won’t be available for any relationship.

And A….is 2000 miles away.  I don’t think I even want to be in a committed loving relationship over a long distance.  I love him, he’s like a best friend, but intimacy requires more than that. If I’m going to be intimate, I want the intensity I felt with S.  I don’t want a relationship where I only see him for a short time with months in between.  I don’t want to live in the desert.  But I also don’t want to be with out the love and kindness of the man.  I’m afraid he will just get sick of my inability to deal with what happened with S and give up on me.

So,rough night.  not much sleep.  Still feel like crying this morning.  I want my life back.  I want to be free of all this emotional encumbrance.  I think it’s too big for me alone.  Today, I may start to seek some help with it.

Rogue Waves

i have been trying to explain to A for over an hour why I have backed away.  Not because I don’t love him, but because I am healing.  Because I need to sort out my emotions, because I need answers as to why I set myself up for such a fall.  He doesn’t get it.  He’s one of those, snap-out-of-it kind of guys.  Oh man, if only it was so easy.  If only I didn’t have deep dark questions about myself.

I don’t know if I want to engage in a long distance relationship with him.  At all.  Let alone when my heart is still in pieces, my trust in myself is shot.  My understanding of what is has been flipped over, and upside down, and is still righting itself.

I told A I have a blog, all this time he didn’t know.  But I told him no one has the link to it, because it would cause me to censor what I write.  That was not true, S has the link.  I regret every day that he has it.  It caused so many problems in our relationship, and it prevented me, at times, from writing what I felt.  Now, I try to write imagining that he doesn’t read it, because I need this outlet for myself.  If he can’t contact me, then I won’t ever know if he read it or not.  I don’t care, as long as I don’t have to deal with his emotions over it. But I vowed no one else would ever get the link that knew me.  So I could keep the purity of what I write as coming from my heart.

Last I talked to S, on Monday, he was still reading them.  I shake my head….why would he?  Maybe he’s afraid I’ll tell some of his deep dark secrets.  I won’t.  Geezus.  I won’t.  I also know he misses me, and wants to know what I’m up to.  I hope that will go away if we never communicate.  I hope I will stop missing him too.

I feel bad that A is unsettled by me again.  I may lose him….that would be awful. I didn’t shut him out, I just don’t want to be intimate at the moment.  I have to heal, I have to get the connection with S out of my psyche.  I tried to explain about learning lessons from the hard things we go through. A said, “he has nothing to teach you.”  He doesn’t get it, what it is I need to do.  It was frustrating, to me, to have him try to get me to change how I feel.  Because he loves me.  He doesn’t want to lose me.  Again. He wants me to come see him, to stay with him.  To make love to him.  I’m not ready to do that with anyone.

I feel what I feel.  Geezus.  I’ve been on this journey for a long time.  I will honor what I feel, I will have the hard conversations.  But I won’t be deterred.

It was a hard day anyway.  My job is ridiculous, totally get stressed out there.  For the next 10 days I’m covering 2 desks, and my own desk is keeping me there at least 9 hrs every day.  Then I am dealing with the roller coaster of emotions still, from S.  They are like a stormy sea, they are calming.  I have been boating in some seas where when you look up, all you see around you is water, and a small patch of sky.  That’s where it was.  The patch of sky is bigger now, but the seas are still rough.  Every once in a while a 50 ft wave knocks me down and dismasts me.  Rogue waves. From a rogue.

From  Merriam-Webster:  Rogue.  A vagrant, a tramp . a dishonest or worthless person.  A scoundrel.

Rogue waves. Still riding them.

Questions

I’m trying to learn to stay in the moment.  I’m trying not to make up stories in my head, and even more, I’m trying not to believe the stories I tell myself.  Byron Katie teaches a method to inquire as to the truth of the stories we believe with the following 4 questions.

Do you know it’s true?  no.

(In case the first answer was yes)….Do you absolutely positively know it’s true?  No.

(If the answer is yes, then move forward based on that absolute truth.)

How do you feel when you think that thought?  Afraid, insecure, unloved, uncared for, disrespected, hurt, lonely.  (In other words, all the negative unhappy emotions that you can think of.)

Who would you be without that thought?  Content, patient, loving, self-assured, trusting, safe, busy, relaxed.

So why would I hold onto a thought that I don’t know (and in my heart don’t believe) is true, when it makes me feel like shit?

Because…history…triggers…fear…ego…

Ego.  Goddam ego, telling me maybe it’s true, and what will you do if it is, and how will it feel when you know it wasn’t real, you’re about to get blindsided, and yada yada yada.  Stupid monkey mind egoic voices screaming in my ear, “fear fear fear.”

In my marriage, I had to assume the opposite of what came out of his mouth was true. I had to take all the clues, and hints, (because there was always a piece of the truth in what he said, and he spun his lie around that truth) and then investigate and he never disappointed, he was always lying, when the whole truth came out.  It got so I didn’t even get mad, I couldn’t confront him with the truth, and expose his lies, because my anger and indignance at being lied to (again) only exacerbated the situation.  I just had to deal with the lies, work around them, discover the truth on my own, and then do my best to act based on whatever the truth actually was.

Of course, I was just burying anger, but that’s another blog.

I don’t have to do that anymore, but my mind is so trained to do it, I can’t seem to stop, unless I can find stillness somewhere.  I try hard to hold myself back from seeking constant reassurance.  I know it’s irritating, to people who have never lied to me.

So back to Byron Katie….my problem lies between acting on the third question and rising to the fourth, so that I don’t create problems that don’t exist.  The negative voices are so many, so deep-seated, they don’t want to let go. They tell me I’m being a fool. I fight to ignore them.  Because I know….they don’t have any good news, and are only afraid of losing their power.

Buddha teaches that attachment and desire are the causes of all pain….(or something like that…).  But how can we not be attached, nor desire the object of our affection?  When that attachment and desire is fulfilled, it is a beautiful thing.

I don’t know the answer to these questions. Well…I do know that I have to continue to try not to listen to my monkey mind.  I do know that I need to wait, to have patience, I have to let the truth make itself known, in its own time.  To fill my own time, and be flexible, because that’s what it takes right now.

Intimacy Issues

Been thinking a lot about this…what is intimacy, really?  And why are so many people afraid of it?  Afraid of the difficult but fulfilling conversation that leads to true understanding of another?  Why does some conversation, meant to be an opportunity to let another know who you are, become an attack on another?  Why do people pretend to have intimate conversations via text and email, instead of taking time in their busy lives to talk to someone they feel intimate with, on any level?

Is it because the electronic communication makes us feel protected from hurt?  Does it put another layer of resistance between, a speaking to, without actually looking in the eyes, or at least, hearing the words?  Is it because a text can so easily be ignored, and explained away?  “Oh I didn’t see your text?”  “I didn’t understand what you were asking.”  “I was busy…”  “I didn’t check my email today yet.”

All could be true.  And all could be a way to avoid intimacy.  Why? Why do we mistake physical intimacy for personal, emotional, spiritual intimacy?

Questions, questions.  There may be more to come on this….Lots of questions, few answers.