It’s been a good day. The north wind blew in and it was blustery, probably the first day this season with a wind chill.
In Eat Pray Love, Liz Gilbert says “Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” I would have to agree. Complete chaos ensued from the devastation of my life. But now, 6 weeks later, I can see the unfolding of a new life for me, with clarity. I see what I was not getting from that relationship, and how I just accepted it as it was. Seriously, I was unfulfilled in many ways, and always deferring to his wishes. If I asked for myself, it would only be once, most of the time. “No” is just too much rejection for a simple request. I learned to find happiness with what I was given. For awhile. Because I loved him so much. I was always dreaming of the day when he’d want me the way I wanted him.
It was never gonna happen.
Eventually, I wanted out, because I was unhappy. Most of the summer. He talked me down, he kept me engaged. I don’t know why he did. We rarely saw each other. What did it matter? I settled for misery because I loved him. Time and time again, he pushed me away, til I left and then reeled me back in til he had me.
He should have told me about Betty Boop wanting back into his life. Or him wanting her. He just should have been honest with me and let me know the truth. He knew neither she nor I would share him. So he lies to her about it, and tries to convince me there’s nothing wrong with it. He should have told me, and let me walk away with some dignity. Instead of dealing a crushing blow to me. A blow that left me face down in the dirt, gasping for air, while he danced.
He chose BB because she doesn’t want anymore than his warm body in bed once a week. And that’s what he wants, someone who asks nothing more of him. Who doesn’t even ask much of him there. I caused endless problems between us because I was not satisfied with less than.
We have had an uncanny connection, I think more from my end than his. He used to have it, he would call when I was thinking of him. I have always been able to feel when things aren’t right with him. The day his friend died. Different days and nights I wondered if he was ok, and he wasn’t. Sometimes I knew, and didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to know. Just the other day, with his health. I am still concerned with that, I’m not sure that was what I had the intuitive feeling about. Waking up to middle of the night phone calls or texts. The morning he dropped his bomb on me, I sat there shaking, knowing there was something terrible about to happen. I even blogged about it, how I was trying to talk myself down. But my intuition was right. My world was forever changed that day.
It felt like I would die. And I was dying. The me that kept giving in, and giving up, and accepting being treated poorly, and accepted less than I deserved, and so little real fulfillment, did die. That day, and on the ensuing days. And now, I have been reborn, transformed as Liz Gilbert says. I have lost some of my excess weight. I have done my work, I have looked within to see why I accept less than I want. I defined what values were important to me. I have realized that unconditional love has to be extended to ourselves first. We have to value ourselves first, and only then can we offer anything to anyone else.
I am proud of my ability to show up, to get into the arena and be seen, and dare to love with my whole heart. I don’t regret for a moment that I loved S. But now, I won’t accept a one way street again. What he has with the Boop, I don’t want. I want connection. Love. Happiness. I loved being in love. I want to be loved back. This life is too precious to waste it away on trivial sex without connection, on a love that only goes one way, in a relationship that makes you cry as much as laugh.
I want more.
My heart is open to all the endless possibilities. I am transformed. I am stronger than I ever was. I am more focused. I am more sure of myself, and what I want. I can find and make very happy someone whose happiness will also depend on my being happy. An energetic circle, where the beginning and ending are blurred, because eventually, they are the same thing.