The hard thing is reconciling the man I loved, with the man he was. I love the guy I loved so much. It wasn’t him. It’s hard to comprehend how I fooled myself for so long. It’s hard to accept that I gave my heart away, to someone who didn’t want it, didn’t cherish it, didn’t even think of it as a gift but treated it like a burden.
Hard. Really hard.
But I’m getting through it, because I have clarity. There is no mistaking the man who showed up last night, or the one who texted me to tell me he was going to be with someone else. No mistaking that it wasn’t the man I love.
And I swear, yesterday he sent a few flirty, very sexual texts, followed by LOL. It was his thing, it was, I thought, our thing. It seemed inappropriate now. I didn’t respond. But I swear, what he thought was he might be able to get me to agree to see him while he’s seeing her. You know, what’s wrong he said, with being with one person Tuesday and another one Friday? (With, like intimately) I am pretty sure that he thought I’d have sex with him last night, because I was so bereft.
But I saw him, clearly. I hugged him hello, and started to cry. I didn’t sit by him. I was almost doubled over most of the time, my stomach was so upset. I am holding all of it in my sacral chakra, and it was on fire. Sacral, the abdomen is where we hold our creativity, our sexuality, and as a result, our vulnerability. I was hanging way out there on a limb, holding on for dear life, while he was defending his indefensible behavior. I had known that he would not be able to ease the pain, and he didn’t. He doesn’t know how to be compassionate, or kind, when he’s done something wrong. It’s not intentional. He just doesn’t know. No one taught him, and he never tried to learn. It was the same after the prison whore. He couldn’t own up to the pain he caused there either.
Today he finally, in his last message, said he was really sorry I was so hurt. SO WHAT. He didn’t apologize for what he did to hurt me, not today, not ever. He can’t own it. Who care that he feels bad I was hurt. What matters is that he was the one who caused the hurt, and couldn’t even own it. He thinks whatever he does is ok, because he does it. If you don’t like it, walk away.
Which I have done. Not even reluctantly.
I still see his heart, which he has barricaded up so no one can get in, and he can’t get out, not even to comfort the woman who loved him. He comes from the attitude of scarcity. There’s not enough of him as it is, he’s not going to give any of it away. He never learned that giving it away is the only way to get more. Too bad.
He’s a really really cool but totally fucked up guy. I will always love the man who he won’t let out. But I see him, I see him. The last thing I said was if he ever figures it out, he knows where I am.
I don’t expect to ever hear from him.