Settling Out

Sunrise 11-07-15

Sunrise from my deck

Feeling peaceful this morning.  It was week full of turmoil, but has ended ahead of where it started, emotionally.  It started with me missing S last Sunday, and making the mistake of telling him.  It opened the door to him telling me to come see him then, the minute she walked out his door. Which led to raw emotions, again, and to ugliness between us.  It led to me having to cut him off completely in order to move forward.  Which led to the dream (I don’t know what else to call it, but it was way more than a dream)….which freaked me out, but then made me realize that I had let him go, energetically, that I could do it at my most vulnerable.  Not saying it wasn’t hard, and didn’t hurt, but I did it, for me.

I was so concerned with the lesson.  I think it was the balance of the Unconditional Love lesson, that we have to extend that love to ourselves, first.  We have to be strong enough to let go of those things that hurt us, that no longer serve us, even if we love them.

So, now I follow my own advice for the moment and will go where the love is.  Which leads me to some peace this morning, starting with the beautiful sunrise. Peaceful in the sense that I can think things through, without angst.

A and I will talk this weekend about Christmas break this weekend.  He wanted to last night but it was too late for me, I was too tired.  It deserves more attention than that.  I am conflicted, to say the least.  I would rather he came here, he might be open to it, because his house is getting gutted, and there’s a good chance it won’t be done by then anyway.  I’m still uncertain about the long term implications, but I think that I need to just let what happens happen.  I love him enough to spend 5 days with him.  I know he won’t make me sorry.  My only issue is guilt that I don’t feel the same about him as he does me, but I’m not that far off.  I think it’s the distance that keeps me from engaging my heart more.  But I’m not even sure about that.

Am I just being lazy, accepting what is here, in front of me, offering me unconditional love, but without the passion that I crave?  Am I just being impatient?  Is it just that my defenses are down?  I love the relationship I have with him at the moment, would I ruin that with expectation on his part if I do this? Because I don’t want to commit to a long distance relationship… And I don’t want the perception of friends with benefits, because we are way more than friends, we have been lovers in the past…

God I don’t know. Sometimes I think I should just be celibate until I find the passion I crave.

I hope the psychic calls me back today.

The weekends have been so hard for me since S dumped me so easily.  Last weekend I made it til Sunday morning. I hope I can get through Sunday this week, without being hit by a rogue wave.  Even if I get knocked down, I won’t reach out…I’m sure of that.  He is growing fainter in my psyche.  I ignore his messages, the ones I feel, (there aren’t any others) more easily now, they are always the same. And only lead to more pain.

I am beginning to feel that he stopped reading my blog, I’m hoping. But I’ve thought that before, and was surprised to find out he still read them.  It doesn’t really matter, I don’t have to deal with his emotions over them, unless he visits me in a dream again.

Just thoughts, emotions settling out.  Time to get the day underway.

Love and light.