Some Things Need to End, So Others Can Begin

It’s been a quiet day for me on this blog. I had a bunch of stuff that was unresolved, didn’t want to really blog about it. Stuff that’s been rolling around for a few days, maybe even 2 weeks. Anyway, I’ve been bombarded by some energetic stuff lately, and it was making me a little crazy. So I talked to my good friend who is a medium, and a psychic, and Karuna II Reiki master, Tarot card reader. It’s how she makes a living. I have known her about 8 or 9 years, we are close. This morning, instead of writing, I asked her for a reading on some of the issues I was having. We talked for over an hour, and she refused to charge me.

The rest of the day, I spent sorting out the information I got. It’s very personal, I can’t go into it here, but I’ll just say that I felt relieved and melancholy when we were done. What she said made perfect sense to me. And the overall message was, stay the course. Stay it with my personal life, with my creativity, with the way I am creating my life down here. And also acceptance of what is, and nurturing myself.

She also talked about how it’s the new moon Thursday. I knew it was soon, had lost track of the fact that it is Thursday. Time to set new intentions. Especially this month. January is of course a 1, the first month. The year, 2017, also reduces to a 1. 1’s are new beginnings, time to start new projects, new relationships. So a good part of my day has been spend creating a list of intentions. I told her I was going to write them down.

Speaking of relationships, last night I sent a text to the man I had lunch with yesterday, thanking him for the lunch and the laughs, telling him I had a lot of fun and look forward to doing it again. This morning I got a text from him with his correct phone number. He’d told me he would do that, since the phone he’d been using was not his, his had been being repaired. Then when I got to my sisters, he called me, after asking in a text if he could. So sweet, well mannnered. But funny!!! OMG, we laughed the whole time. We seem to get each other’s sense of humor. Anyway, it was a nice surprise, to have him call.

I got to my sisters about 3:45. We went in the pool which was at 90. It was not real warm today, probably in the low 70’s. But the pool was nice. And we spent a long time in her hot tub with a glass of red wine! LOL. It’s a rough life, lol. I made a pot roast in the crock pot yesterday and brought it with me, so we didn’t have to cook dinner, we just heated it up. It was delicious!!!

So, life is still good. I’m enjoying my sister and brother-in-law, it’s been about 3 weeks maybe since I’ve seen them. Feeling my mother’s presence so much today. Interesting day, and a good one. Many things I need to put to rest, so I can move forward with the new moon. I think I can do it now.

Love and light, all.

Last Night’s Dream Analysis

Well, not only sleeping last night, but dreaming as well. I dreamed that I was at a long table, with many people at it, eating a hot dog with all kinds of fixings on it, and found my ex-husband sitting next to me eating one as well. I remember looking at him and saying “Oh! I forgot you were here.” As usual when I dream of him (which is rarely) he said nothing. But watched me eat with the critical eye he always did. Which was actually funny, since he’s the one who got himself up to about 300 lbs.  But that was always about control, making me feel self-conscious, and unsure with hm.  It was never about how I looked.

Then I dreamed I was in a flower garden, with one of my best friends from up north, the friend who drove down here with me. Gosh I miss her. She is a wonderful gardener, and has planted flower gardens all over her 3 acres. Her deck and her house are full of plants and flowers. I gave her my house plants when I left.

So, it was off to dreammoods.com

The hot dog dream was the weirdest, because my ex was in it. Here’s what they had to say.

Hot dog: To see or eat a hot dog in your dream is phallic symbol representing masculinity, sexual energy, and vigor.

Ex: In particular, to see your ex-husband/wife in your dream indicates that you are currently finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable.

Eating: To dream that you are eating with others signifies harmony, intimacy, merriness, prosperous undertakings, personal gain, and/or joyous spirits.

So…sitting with my ex, eating a big hot dog. Well, we did have a good sex life, until we didn’t, and I am ready for another, that’s for sure. As for seeing him indicating that I find myself in a similar situation, well….Yeah, I did. I don’t now. I’m guessing that because I have had such a hard time completely letting go of S, and how much unhappiness, and uncomfortability that relationship has brought me, that’s the relationship that was in my subconscious. However, that is, for me, undone by the fact that I’m eating with others, signifying that I am now in harmony, and in a good place. I think that door is finally closed, and I am really open to something new in my life.

The garden with my friend…well, it’s a nice dream. It was a good dream, and it followed up the hot dog dream. Here’s what dreammoods has to say.

Garden: To see a flower garden in your dream represents tranquility, comfort, love and domestic bliss. You need to be more nurturing.

Friend: To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. In particular, to dream about your best friend means that you need to foster or acknowledge some special quality that your best friend has. Ask yourself what makes your best friend your best friend and how you need to work on these attributes within yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend indicates positive news.

I think that dream is all about me nurturing. My friend is very nurturing. Witness the fact that she drove most of the way here, knowing I was pretty well spent after moving my son to CO, and packing my house, and leaving everything I’d known for 45 years in a matter of 3 weeks. I couldn’t be more grateful and loving toward her. She’s a true friend indeed.

Yesterday, I tried to pay that forward. I called my childhood friend who lives down here, and she was kind of depressed (she is prone to that). I asked her if she wanted to go shopping, and she said no….and then told me she just wanted to crawl in a hole and pull the cover over it. I said, OK, I’m coming to get you in an hour, and we’re gonna go get a bite to eat and a drink. So she’s the one I went to St. Pete beach with. I’m going to try to be more that way toward my friends.

Dreams are wonderful things, if we can just understand what they are trying to tell us. It’s all good.

Love and light.

Working Through the Angst

This has been the hardest day yet. Trying to help my son get the bike rack on his car, and I could barely stand there, with the car full of all his stuff. Trying to help him arrange it so it all fit, plus the two carry-on bags that have to go in tomorrow morning. I came back in the house and walked around aimlessly, looking for something to do to take my mind off the fact that this would be the last day I ever spent living in the same house with him.

I decided to go to the store, and pick up snacks for us. He needed a bike lock. I needed to get the hell out where there were people. I managed to suck it up, and get the bike lock. In the store, I couldn’t even imagine what we’d want for snacks in the car because my stomach was so upset. I picked out a few things, then just decided we’d have to stop somewhere along the way and get things to refill the snack bag. I have a small cooler to put water bottles in.

When I got home, we were sitting watching TV together, because his TV was in the car. He put on a movie, a comedy. We both started laughing. Then he said, “Mom, you gotta get it together or this is going to be an awful long trip.” I said, “I’m trying.” I was able to express some heartfelt emotions to him, then. And he to me. And then we just kept talking…..And I think I was able to pull myself back from the edge quite a ways.

He is, as most young people are, a bit self centered, and didn’t realize how hard this was for me, even though I was the one who set it all in motion. And I perhaps have not wanted to burden him with the difficulty I am having with everything, because he’s my kid, and I don’t want him worried about me. But now, I explained to him that even if this house here were paid off, I’d still have to come up with $600 a month in taxes. That I want to be able to enjoy life for a few years. I told him how much money I’ll save there, and he knows how I hate winter. He finally said, “Mom, I’m gonna be 25 on my next birthday. I shouldda been out of the house already.” I smiled and said, “No, I don’t think so. I think you and I needed this house. We needed to be here. This is the happiest place we’ve ever lived and we deserved that. We had 5 good years here, really good for us. Now it’s time for us both to move on.”

So we are on the same page. I feel so much better. The unspoken fears we both had, and perhaps a little misunderstanding between us about what was going on for each of us on an emotional level, were eating at us both. Thank God we are able to communicate, in a loving and close way. No accusations, no blaming. Just listening to each other, and honoring our feelings.

He’s going out with his friends for sushi tonight. I’m going to a gong bath. Then we’ll come home, and go to bed, and begin our new adventure tomorrow. I think I’ll be ok. I think I see the light returning to my psyche.

Breathing, exhaling. I have a great kid. He has a great future in front of him, and so do I.

Love and light.

A Little Obsessing as I Put the Chaos Away

I felt a little guilty over the vitriolic email I sent Scott, lacing into him for sharing our personal stuff with someone else, and for trying to tell me what I should or shouldn’t write about.  I was so furious.  He can engender such anger in me, it frightens me that I can still get that mad at him.  It’s not who I want to be.  The truth was in there, but there was so much anger that it was difficult to decipher the actual message.

I’m not sure why he thinks if he takes from me, or now demeans and /or denies the  relationship that gave him much pleasure for 18 months, will somehow in her mind, undo the fact that he betrayed her.  He betrayed us both on a grand scale.  When he was with me in January, he blamed her.  And when she became so jealous that I was with him, he blamed me.

He did, to his credit, blame himself mostly.  But he tried to spread it around, so that we too were culpable in his mind, so that he didn’t have to bear the whole burden.  We were not.  My ex used to do that.  Every problem he had, he had to pretend I had it too.  I was conditioned for a long time to accept blame for something I didn’t do, just to keep the peace.  Taking years after my divorce to search my soul, I don’t and won’t do that anymore.  What Scott did to us, is all on Scott.  The fact that he ran to my bed when she left him….he can own that too.  I still loved  him, missed him, wanted him, but he ran to my bed, when he had the opportunity.  Not me to his.  I ended up there, but I didn’t initiate our reunion.  When he came to see me 12 hours after my mother died, I looked at him and said, “Do you want to sit on the couch and talk?  Or lay down and talk.”  He thought for a moment…And said, “lay down….”  Everything was easier for us there.  Talking, connecting, being.  I wasn’t going to undress, but he asked me to….I was distraught, over my mother, I just trusted him to do what would help me get through the day.  He had come, he said, to keep me company, to keep me from being alone.   I did as he requested, and soon, we were into our old rhythm, our old patterns.  It was all still there, after having been buried for 3 months.  The connection, the attraction, was just as strong as ever.

When she found out, to satisfy her jealous nature, he had to take from me, from us, from what we had.  She couldn’t allow it to just be over, and see if she and he had anything left.  She demands that he recreate himself in her image, the one that satisfies her huge ego, her possessiveness.  The one that wants him to have had no one ever but her in his life.

Well….he did.  He had me, and try as she might, and as much as she can get him to deny me, she can’t take from me what was real.  Nor can he.  It is over, but it was what it was, and it was something lovely, caring, passionate…..  No matter how the two of them try to re-write the story for their own selfish motives, it remains in the universe as it was.

I suppose a lot of her insecurity comes from the fact that he was still married to his second wife when he started seeing her, 15 or 16 years ago.  He told me that went on for about 5 years.  Eventually, his wife knew, and he and his wife stayed together still for a time, a couple years I think he said, for convenience sake, for their kids.   But for Betty, knowing he was willing to cheat on his wife, and then wanted to still live with his wife while he was supposedly with her?  She has or had to be very insecure, knowing what he was capable of.  And obviously, he is still capable of it. All that time, and he was living with his now ex-wife.  That is so f’d up, I can’t even begin to fathom it, nor do I want to.

I’m ok with it all.  Every minute it is all part of my past, and I am evolving into a new, wiser, smarter woman.  I don’t think he can anger me like that again, because I see it for what it is.  I see that the past week was a just more of the same dysfunction that has become his norm since she reappeared in his life, something that her extreme jealousy and possessiveness require of him.  I don’t have any idea if they are together, my intuition says not, but who knows, I’ve been wrong before. I think if they are not, he is still trying to do what she requires to accept him.  He mistakes her jealousy and possessiveness for love, they are the opposite of love, they are fear.  She mistakes his denial of me as more for her.  She thinks that the less he cares for me, the more he cares for her.

I used to say to him, I don’t want what you had with her.  I want my own account with you, filled with our specialness, our memories, our intimacies.  What you had with her has nothing to do with what we have together. Keep what you had with her, lets see what we can build that’s ours.

To me, that’s love.  And we had it…the fact that he now denies it, doesn’t make it less so.

So, here I am, winding it up again, and hoping I don’t have to do this again.  Trying to take the chaos of last week, the negativity and the raw emotion,  and put it back in order, find the places where it fits, put it away, and move on.

I would have liked to remain friends with him…and at first that’s what we did.  But then, it wasn’t enough for her, and soon he was denying me and us again, and he devastated us on even the level of friendship.  It’s too bad….that he can’t have even a friend who loves him.

I’ll be closing on my Florida house soon, I’ll be putting the one here on Zillow soon.  I’ll be spending pretty much 100% of my time on that.  I don’t have time to deal with this childish, adolescent dysfunction any longer.  Soon I’ll be 1500 miles away, in a new life, making new friends, living my dream, and I have no doubt that all the dreams I have had are going to manifest.

I wish no ill on either of them.  They are good enough, without my help, at dragging themselves down. My energy is on my future life, on ending this one correctly.

I’ll always love the man he was when I fell in love with him.  And will always think of that man fondly.

But now….the past is past, and the future is looking bright.  Onward….forward motion.

Love and light.

 

 

Closure is Vastly Overrated

No closure

I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra / Oprah 21 day meditation on losing the weight.  I’d like to lose another 10 or 15 lbs before I move. Just to be a new me, really the old me, long ago, when I was young..  I’ve lost a couple lbs (first I had to lose the 4 lbs I gained on vacation, lol.)

As it turns out though, being overweight has so much to do with our emotional state, at least I know that’s true for me.  Being hungry for lots of things, often manifests in food. For the longest time, I’ve wanted real closure with S.  All the endings, lol, and there have been many, have always been ugly, have always left me confused, and in pain, or angry. This morning during the mediation I realized that what has happened is my head gets stuck on replaying over and over the words, the scenarios, looking for hints, looking for something to hold onto.  It’s a loop, that I get stuck on, and I’d say many of us do.

Today I woke with no angst, or desire for that old life.  Then listening to Deepak’s quiet voice, I realized that I have to question that loop I get stuck in occasionally.  Is it real?  Is it true?  (And I say that in my best Byron Katie voice.) And, does it matter?  Does it have anything to do with what goes on now?

No, is the answer to all of it.  It has always been chaotic with him, it has always been extreme, it never made any sense and never will.  I have to stop the loop in my head that wants it that way. Just shut it down, and realize that my life and his no longer intersect because they are not supposed to.  The love and the passion that we shared is really the only thing that I choose to remember. Whether or not he perceives it, or chooses to remember it that way, I have to let go of.  And just move on.

There is no closure.  There wasn’t with my ex either.  My ex, is a mess…..I love him, I don’t want him in my life in any way.  There is only chaos, and still…he seeks power and control by trying to make me feel bad that I left, that he’s broke, that I salvaged what I could.  S…I love him too, but also can’t have him in my life.  Again, there is only chaos, of a different kind, but chaos nonetheless.  I saw, in January, how he was quite willing to bounce back and forth between me and B, when it suited him.  I hope he finds happiness, but I don’t expect he will.  There is no closure with people who live in their ego.

So…we have to break the loop that keeps asking for it.  The one that keeps asking “But why?” to all the myriad questions.  Suffice to say it’s over, there are better things ahead, and just move on.  Trust in the universe to right the wrongs, to bring your dreams to you.

In the meditation….he talks about breaking the loop that always brings us to eat as the answer.  That identifies all hunger as actual need for food.  I think those of us who have loved narcissists, or abusers stuck on power and control, just have to give ourselves closure, by breaking that endless loop that races through our minds.

And really move on.

Every day, I am able to do that more.  Yesterday I was stronger than the day before.  Today, I am stronger than yesterday.  The memories I choose to keep, are tempered by truth, and I detach myself from them.

Moving on….it starts slowly, one small weak step, then another.  At first away from the pain and heartache, but at some point, we begin to walk toward something, our dreams, ourselves.  I have begun to walk briskly toward my dreams.  Those memories are shrinking into the distant past.

Was it real?  Wast it true?  It doesn’t matter.  It’s over.

Life is good.  Make yourself a beautiful dream, and start taking one small step toward it.  You don’t need closure to do it. You just have to start walking.

Love and light.

 

Better Things Await

low points

First day back at work.  I had over 1000 emails to sift through. My boss promised a half dozen people I’d ship their orders today.  Like, yeah, sure.  While I’m reading my 1000 emails.  It was crazy, but….I laughed my way through it, thinking, I won’t have to do this much longer!  LOL  I was so happy, even though the normal absurdity of the workplace was creating chaos all around me.

I am not telling the people at work about the house.  There are too many people who can’t keep their mouths shut.

My sis called me today, and the real estate agent called her today and someone else has made an offer, contingent on financing.  So my sis and brother-in-law are going to meet with her at the house tomorrow and barring something unforseen, will make a cash offer to them.  Then I’ll pay them back when my house sells.

I can’t even believe they would do this for me.  I mean, I can, they are loving and grateful to have the ability to help their family out, but I can’t believe it anyway.  It’s just beyond what I ever would have dreamed of.  This means that I won’t have to rent a place when I head down there, I’ll have a place to just move into.  It’s crazy.  Just crazy.  I am so friggin blessed.  Just blessed.

My son is a little nervous, but I told him we will work it out.  He doesn’t think he’ll be ready to head for Colorado when I’m ready to move, but we will figure it out.  The universe will make it work, I’m sure.

I am so excited, and happy, and so looking forward to this move.  For awhile I felt like I was running from things. From S, mostly, from my ex, from so many bad memories, so much pain and sadness. But now…idk.  I don’t feel any attachment to any of the past, only a lot of excitement to get on with this chapter of my life.  Not having to go to work every day, being able to follow my passions, to ride a bike everywhere, to get to the beach on a daily basis!  To smell the salt air and feel the sea breeze all the time.

I think my ex and S were the two most difficult relationships of my life.  My ex for sure, and S, even though it wasn’t that long, I loved him soooo fucking much, and he hurt me sooooo badly.  But you know what?  I learned from both of them, both relationships, lessons I would not otherwise have learned.  They were without a doubt my best teachers.

Now I’ll take those lessons into a new life, and I feel like joy and happiness are just waiting for me to take their hand and walk with me.  I, honest to God, finally feel no pain with either of them, nor any longing, or desire.  They were part of my life, past tense.

Better things await.  I used to say, while waiting for my divorce to finish, my abundance has already been created, it just hasn’t manifested yet.  And that’s how I feel now.  I can feel joy and happiness in the works, it is manifesting…..slow but sure, every minute it comes clearer into view.