I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra / Oprah 21 day meditation on losing the weight. I’d like to lose another 10 or 15 lbs before I move. Just to be a new me, really the old me, long ago, when I was young.. I’ve lost a couple lbs (first I had to lose the 4 lbs I gained on vacation, lol.)
As it turns out though, being overweight has so much to do with our emotional state, at least I know that’s true for me. Being hungry for lots of things, often manifests in food. For the longest time, I’ve wanted real closure with S. All the endings, lol, and there have been many, have always been ugly, have always left me confused, and in pain, or angry. This morning during the mediation I realized that what has happened is my head gets stuck on replaying over and over the words, the scenarios, looking for hints, looking for something to hold onto. It’s a loop, that I get stuck on, and I’d say many of us do.
Today I woke with no angst, or desire for that old life. Then listening to Deepak’s quiet voice, I realized that I have to question that loop I get stuck in occasionally. Is it real? Is it true? (And I say that in my best Byron Katie voice.) And, does it matter? Does it have anything to do with what goes on now?
No, is the answer to all of it. It has always been chaotic with him, it has always been extreme, it never made any sense and never will. I have to stop the loop in my head that wants it that way. Just shut it down, and realize that my life and his no longer intersect because they are not supposed to. The love and the passion that we shared is really the only thing that I choose to remember. Whether or not he perceives it, or chooses to remember it that way, I have to let go of. And just move on.
There is no closure. There wasn’t with my ex either. My ex, is a mess…..I love him, I don’t want him in my life in any way. There is only chaos, and still…he seeks power and control by trying to make me feel bad that I left, that he’s broke, that I salvaged what I could. S…I love him too, but also can’t have him in my life. Again, there is only chaos, of a different kind, but chaos nonetheless. I saw, in January, how he was quite willing to bounce back and forth between me and B, when it suited him. I hope he finds happiness, but I don’t expect he will. There is no closure with people who live in their ego.
So…we have to break the loop that keeps asking for it. The one that keeps asking “But why?” to all the myriad questions. Suffice to say it’s over, there are better things ahead, and just move on. Trust in the universe to right the wrongs, to bring your dreams to you.
In the meditation….he talks about breaking the loop that always brings us to eat as the answer. That identifies all hunger as actual need for food. I think those of us who have loved narcissists, or abusers stuck on power and control, just have to give ourselves closure, by breaking that endless loop that races through our minds.
And really move on.
Every day, I am able to do that more. Yesterday I was stronger than the day before. Today, I am stronger than yesterday. The memories I choose to keep, are tempered by truth, and I detach myself from them.
Moving on….it starts slowly, one small weak step, then another. At first away from the pain and heartache, but at some point, we begin to walk toward something, our dreams, ourselves. I have begun to walk briskly toward my dreams. Those memories are shrinking into the distant past.
Was it real? Wast it true? It doesn’t matter. It’s over.
Life is good. Make yourself a beautiful dream, and start taking one small step toward it. You don’t need closure to do it. You just have to start walking.
Love and light.