Purging, and Moving On

Purging this morning, lol. First about our president’s utter disregard for everything that is decent. Then, Scott, who seemed to think that it was a good time to contact me again. Just need to purge all that chaotic energy out of me. I probably will piss Scott off totally with that blog, but I needed to get it out there. I can’t get a message or call from him, so if he’s pissed off he’ll have to take a walk or something. Go live in a monastery, whatever. Just leave me the fuck alone.

(Note:  I have taken the blog titled Contact down, the one about Scott’s trying to reach me.)

I did not hear from L yesterday, but as I said, didn’t expect to. He has a lot going on, and I know I will hear from him while he’s there, when he gets a minute. I look forward to that, he always puts a smile on my face.

It is cold and raining here this morning. Such an anomaly, lol. 53 and rain. But it will be back up to 70 in a couple days, and sunny. We need a day like this every once in a while to remind us how good we have it 95% of the time.

I had plans to make banana bread with the rest of the bananas from the community garden this morning, with my friend. However, she rides a bike, doubtful she will be riding in the rain. I’ll probably go get her, she lives a few blocks away, and we can make the bread this afternoon. It will be a good distraction from all this stuff.

Yesterday I signed up for a 21 day free meditation with Oprah and Deepak. They sent along 3 free meditations from other 21 day programs they’ve had, all of which I have done. I am grateful for the 3 they sent, I need to get myself centered and grounded. This next program is called Hope in Uncertain Times. They send a guided meditation via email to you each morning for 21 days. If you are interested, go to thechopracentermeditation.com to sign up. I’ve done them all, I’m pretty sure. I always get something valuable from these 21 day meditations.

Time to get moving, to get productive with the day. Time to put the chaos behind me, and get back to the rich happy life I have here. Don’t let the bastards get you down. And resist. Continue to resist.

Love and light…..

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Closure is Vastly Overrated

No closure

I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra / Oprah 21 day meditation on losing the weight.  I’d like to lose another 10 or 15 lbs before I move. Just to be a new me, really the old me, long ago, when I was young..  I’ve lost a couple lbs (first I had to lose the 4 lbs I gained on vacation, lol.)

As it turns out though, being overweight has so much to do with our emotional state, at least I know that’s true for me.  Being hungry for lots of things, often manifests in food. For the longest time, I’ve wanted real closure with S.  All the endings, lol, and there have been many, have always been ugly, have always left me confused, and in pain, or angry. This morning during the mediation I realized that what has happened is my head gets stuck on replaying over and over the words, the scenarios, looking for hints, looking for something to hold onto.  It’s a loop, that I get stuck on, and I’d say many of us do.

Today I woke with no angst, or desire for that old life.  Then listening to Deepak’s quiet voice, I realized that I have to question that loop I get stuck in occasionally.  Is it real?  Is it true?  (And I say that in my best Byron Katie voice.) And, does it matter?  Does it have anything to do with what goes on now?

No, is the answer to all of it.  It has always been chaotic with him, it has always been extreme, it never made any sense and never will.  I have to stop the loop in my head that wants it that way. Just shut it down, and realize that my life and his no longer intersect because they are not supposed to.  The love and the passion that we shared is really the only thing that I choose to remember. Whether or not he perceives it, or chooses to remember it that way, I have to let go of.  And just move on.

There is no closure.  There wasn’t with my ex either.  My ex, is a mess…..I love him, I don’t want him in my life in any way.  There is only chaos, and still…he seeks power and control by trying to make me feel bad that I left, that he’s broke, that I salvaged what I could.  S…I love him too, but also can’t have him in my life.  Again, there is only chaos, of a different kind, but chaos nonetheless.  I saw, in January, how he was quite willing to bounce back and forth between me and B, when it suited him.  I hope he finds happiness, but I don’t expect he will.  There is no closure with people who live in their ego.

So…we have to break the loop that keeps asking for it.  The one that keeps asking “But why?” to all the myriad questions.  Suffice to say it’s over, there are better things ahead, and just move on.  Trust in the universe to right the wrongs, to bring your dreams to you.

In the meditation….he talks about breaking the loop that always brings us to eat as the answer.  That identifies all hunger as actual need for food.  I think those of us who have loved narcissists, or abusers stuck on power and control, just have to give ourselves closure, by breaking that endless loop that races through our minds.

And really move on.

Every day, I am able to do that more.  Yesterday I was stronger than the day before.  Today, I am stronger than yesterday.  The memories I choose to keep, are tempered by truth, and I detach myself from them.

Moving on….it starts slowly, one small weak step, then another.  At first away from the pain and heartache, but at some point, we begin to walk toward something, our dreams, ourselves.  I have begun to walk briskly toward my dreams.  Those memories are shrinking into the distant past.

Was it real?  Wast it true?  It doesn’t matter.  It’s over.

Life is good.  Make yourself a beautiful dream, and start taking one small step toward it.  You don’t need closure to do it. You just have to start walking.

Love and light.

 

The End of the Fireworks

the end

My book club is reading “The Untethered Soul” by Mark Singer.  I have seen him on OWN, on Super Soul Sunday and liked him.  I just started the book, but he begins by talking about the voice in our heads.

He asks why we  discuss with ourselves, in our heads, situations and things that we know.  I thought about how I keep re-running the chaos that ended the relationship with Scott, and replaying it in my head.  Why??  do I do that to myself?

I know what it was, I know how it hurt, but I’ll never really get past it if I keep re-living it in my head, or here on the page.  I know what happened, I know how I loved him, I know all the red flags that I ignored, I know what he did to me, to her.  I know how he is now, there’s nothing that needs to be figured out.

I would like to shut that conversation down permanently.  I don’t want to forget, I just don’t want to be obsessing about it.  It was traumatic, yes.  At my age, I’d never experienced it before, and was blindsided that it happened.  But I need to let it all go.  Why give all that bad news my continued attention?

Gratitude is a better place to go. This morning I woke up after a poor night’s sleep and thought about all the things I do have.  My great son, a lovely home, a lot of friends, a decent job, the real possibility of retiring and moving closer to family.  I’m grateful for our incredibly mild winter so far.  I’m grateful to have a few things I love to do passionately.

If I think about my relationship with him, I am going to be grateful that I found out I can love passionately, despite my long abusive marriage.  I honestly never thought I would when I left it.  That I chose the wrong man, is secondary to the fact that I was able to passionately love someone.

I guess a relationship that was so passionate, was probably not going to end quietly.  It was bound to go down in a huge explosion of emotion.  We were night and day, just as he said in the poem he wrote me. When we occupied the same space for a short time, there were fireworks in the sky like the blazing colors of dusk and dawn.  Sometimes it was beautiful and sometimes the display was terrifying.  Now  all the fireworks are spent and I am going to just let the memories fade, pack up my stuff and go home.

I have a lot of good years to live yet.  I don’t want to waste any more of my days trying to make sense of that chaos.  It will be an effort at first, because I think it’s a habit now.  But I’ve never been an addictive person, and I can change that.

With gratitude, and a conscious effort to extend love and compassion wherever I go.

Change Is In The Morning Breeze

I’m running late today.  I had to shut down and reboot my new laptop this morning, the keyboard wouldn’t work.  I miss my old Sony Vaio, lol, never one problem in 5 years.

Thinking about change this morning, starting anew.  Change is the only constant in life.  I feel like maybe the past is in the past now, like maybe it’s settled down and won’t be blindsiding me with hurt or anger or regret anymore.  The picture seems pretty complete.  I can see what happened, I can see why, what caused S to do what he did. I’m able to feel sad for him but unattached.  Not sad for the state he’s in presently, because it is a situation he created and obviously was supposed to happen because it did.  I’m sad for his inability to deal with the emotional demons that caused him to do what he did.  I hope  now that he has some time for introspection, he will take it, and take care of that inner child who was acting out so destructively.  I hope he can find the light that I always saw in him.  It’s still there.  Just because he’s covered it in layers of darkness, doesn’t mean it’s not still burning.

I’ve had a few conversations with a couple of men who seem nice, normal, not self destructive.  I am hopeful.  I am not needy.  I have a life, a good life.  Tonight I have a gong meditation, and it will be the first time in a very long time I’m going without some ridiculous drama I am dealing with.  I wonder where it will go, when I’m not looking for a specific answer to something.  Saturday I am going to a cookie swap with my bff at her sister’s house.  Not that I need cookies, but it will be fun to do something Christmasy.

The weekend is supposed to be warm here, 60°, which is absolutely crazy and unheard of in December here.  We are much more likely to be below freezing and have snow on the ground.  We have had two very severe winters back to back, so this mild weather is a reprieve for sure.  We can only hope it lasts til March.

Change, sometimes chaotic, and sometimes just like an tide on a windless day, just coming and going out on a smooth sea.  Just accept and embrace it.  The universe knows what it’s doing.

 

Tuesday Night Rumble with the Chaos

This morning I was laying in bed at 4:45 AM.  Awake.  I realized, laying there, that while I was awake, I could not identify the exact moment I woke up.  Like when you gradually turn on the lights that have a dimmer, not knowing or recognizing when they are fully on.  It was kind of odd…..To find myself awake and not know when I had achieved the state of wakefulness.

When I finally looked at the time and saw it was so early, I tried to go back to sleep.  No go.  I finally got up at 5:10.

So, that’s kind of what happens when you fall in love, well sometimes.  I mean, I’m sure there are times people know the exact moment they fell in love.  But I think more often, it’s a gradual process.  Holding back less and less, through time, until you’re not holding back at all.  It’s not always a conscious thought or decision.

I wish it was, because I would not have chosen to love someone who couldn’t love me back.  I will be more conscious in the future.  I am being more conscious.

A wants me to come visit him when I am off between Christmas and New Years.  I would like to see him, at times I’d love to see him.  But I don’t want to rush into it, I am still healing.  Not grieving anymore, but healing.  And I don’t want to hurt A again, I did that once because S drew me in, away from A, I think just to prove he could.  Once, I just disappeared, again for S, but not at his request, so I could focus on that relationship with no distraction.

I promised A I would not disappear again.  I would love to snuggle up with him.  I would love to feel his love, his warmth,  He treats me like gold.  He loves me…..I love him but he’s always way ahead of me.  I love him, as a man, as a person. He has stood by me, and never let me down.  But I want passion….maybe it’s possible, but I don’t feel it now.

Still healing. Still walking that thin line.  But strong in my conviction not to talk, or contact, or allow contact.  That’s just a waste of time.  I need to focus on what makes me attracted to men like S and my ex. Totally afraid to put themselves out there.  Just full of fear, so they close the door, they hide themselves so they can’t be seen.  Why men like this, when I am so willing to get into the arena, and be seen?  Why not A, who is available, sweet, loving, kind, so willing to put himself out there, and let me see him.  He tells me every day he loves me, and shows me….  I need to lean into the discomfort, and “rumble” with what’s going on with me, as Brene Brown says.

I am reading a book by Rebecca Rosen for book club, “Awaken the Spirit Within.”  She is a medium, well known.  Two books.  She said that 1000’s of spirits, in her work as a medium, have told her the same thing.  That we contract with the universe for the lessons we are coming here to learn for our soul’s spiritual evolution.  She says that the people who give us the hardest emotional time, are our teachers.  She says if we contract to learn these lessons, but instead of doing the work to learn them, and understand them, choose the easy way out, and don’t learn them, we will have to, at some point come back and have another go at it.

This idea floored me, but I can see it’s validity.  I learned so much through the experience with my ex.  The one with S, I am still rumbling with…I still have a load of pain from the hurt he delivered to work through.  It’s not that I want him anymore, far from it.  I would have to be stupid to want to go back there.  But the hurt of the betrayal, the dismissal, being thrown out like the trash….will take some time to heal over. I think I’m looking or exterior validation that I didn’t deserve it.   I’m guessing therein is at least part of my lesson, once I can work through that.  Many questions surrounding that hurt…and all of them point to me, for allowing it to happen, for opening the door to it.  And also, the  healing has to come from within.  S was my teacher for this lesson, because he’s the one who was in the relationship with me that caused so much pain.  His soul is the one teaching me to love myself, because not everyone else can or will.  He’s learning his own lessons, whatever they are.  (This also tied in to my belief that we knew each other before we were born. I felt like I knew him before we even met, strongly.)  He told me every woman in his life has screwed him over.  I don’t think, when all is said and done, he can include me in that equation.  I gave him more than he wanted, but I didn’t screw him over.  Though he may see it differently, I don’t know, and don’t really care.  Just sayin’, I try not to do that to people.  But..the two men I have loved the most in my life, have screwed me over.

Rebecca Rosen says if we don’t learn the lesson, it will just keep repeating itself until we do.  So…I didn’t fully learn it from my ex, so enter S….  I am determined to discover, uncover, and deal with the lesson this time.  Truth be told, with my ex, I rumbled with it.  I didn’t take the easy way, I rumbled with him and won my freedom and my son’s, and my life.  I saw it through to the end.

Then again, maybe there are 2 different, but related lessons.  I have always thought that with my ex, the lesson was the power of unconditional love.  I still believe that.  I believed it so much, that I was fearless about loving S that way.  I just believed in the end, that it was irresistible.  Apparently it’s not, lol.

I haven’t been able to rumble with the discomfort from S for more than a few days at a time.  I feel different now, I’m sure I can, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.  It means I’m determined to value myself, and my life, enough not to slip back into something that would only bring me more pain, and cause me to dislike myself, and disrespect myself.

Poor S, doesn’t understand how I can love him and miss him but not want to ever see him again. Because he compartmentalized his relationships, my relationship with him should be unaffected by his relationship with another woman. That’s his journey, his lesson to to figure out. Maybe.  Not my problem, I have enough of my own. I digress anyway.  The passion I had for him is dying, in relation to him.  Because I love the passion and the love, though, I’m going to find out the answers, and open the door to the real thing.  A loving passionate relationship for the 3rd act of my life.

Rambling.  Tuesday night rambling, looking for answers, and lessons.

Accepting What Is

Outside again before the sun was up today.  Everything still wet from last night’s much needed rain, the sky was streaked with gray clouds in the darkness.  One tiny crack in the gray gave way to dawn’s first light. It is still, except for the faintest breeze.  The air is chill, I sit, wrapped in a blanket.

I closed my eyes in the dark, choosing a meditation on Acceptance.  Because things are not as I want them, but they are ok, I need to shut down the incessant chatter of my monkey mind, and allow myself to see and accept and find joy in what is.

Oddly, though it was not my intention, choosing to focus on acceptance, to think about my ex-husband.  He is rarely in my thoughts anymore.  But, as it does in it’s own inimitable way, the universe reminded me that today is his last day in our old house.  The house was foreclosed on and he fought a crazy misdirected fight to remain in it once it was sold, which lasted about 6 months. He has lived there since 1978.  It was a small cape cod style home, exterior of stucco, roof of slate.  It sat on a rise, overlooking 125′ of lake front, on 3/4 of an acre of land.  The tallest tree on the lake is on that property, a tulip tree maybe 100′ or even 150′ tall.  The trunk so big that you couldn’t even put your arms 1/2, maybe not even 1/4 of the way around it.  I loved the orange tulips that grew on it every year.  You could see it from anywhere on the lake. A yard full of mountain laurel, and huge old rhododendrons.  It was once a beautiful place, but has fallen into complete disrepair.

But I digress.

In his belief that there was only lack in the world, he never had enough.  In his belief that he was not worthy of love and belonging, he was unable to accept or give love to anyone, in the end.  I spoke to him earlier this week.  He called me and left a voice mail, the night S was here.  Oddly, I  had driven by his business, of which I was an integral part for 30 years, earlier in the day, (after I found my car in the parking garage….) and seen a for sale sign on it, and it was closed.  I assumed that had something to do with his call.  He had sounded urgent, when he called, as if it was very important to both of us.  I know better.

But I called him.  He was calling because in the basement he said there was a box of stuff that was really mine, that was really water damaged.  Things like my high school diploma, books, pictures…. Did I want it?  It was so badly damaged that he didn’t know how I would salvage anything.  I told him, no, throw it out.  I haven’t looked at it in 30 years, at least, I won’t miss it.

This was not urgent.  I am surprised he would even ask.  I think the urgency in his voice mail came from somewhere else.  Perhaps, he just wanted my attention.  Perhaps, he wanted me to know that he’d finally given up the fight.

I asked him how he was doing, knowing that he is not equipped to deal with this move on any emotional level.  His things are how he identifies himself.  To say he had a house on the lake, was who he was.  To say he owned his own business, was who he was.  Now he has neither.  I am sure he has no idea who he is anymore.  He told me he’s taking it one day at a time.  I offered my assistance this weekend, to help him pack it up, to move it, to store things for him.  He politely declined my help, as I knew he would.

My son asked me to see if I could get his hockey stuff.  Hockey was a HUGE part of son’s life, the main focus, as he grew up.  He played from age 5 or 6 to 16. He was pretty good.  He quit, to be free of his father’s control.  He gave up a lot, something he really loved, for that freedom.  It was not until years after that he understood what his motivating force was.  But 3 weeks after he quit, he was living with me, having gone to school one day from his father’s and come home to my house.  He has been back one time for dinner in the 6 years since.

But he wanted his trophies, his jerseys, his autographs and any other memorabilia he has.  His father told me he could have them.  I offered to come over and pick them up.  His response was that it was all packed to go to his new place, and to get at it, he would have to unpack everything else.

Meaning, no…son can’t have it unless he asks his father himself, and comes to get it himself.  His last little string of control on my son.  My son has no relationship with his father at the moment, for a few years now.  Because his father, is his father.  He has made a small effort, at times, to make my son believe he has changed, and the minute my son felt comfortable with him, he would go back to being the controlling manipulative man he is.  He brings chaos to everyone’s life that he encounters.  It is mainly the chaos we both left, the never knowing what any day would bring us, never knowing if the earth might shift on its axis while we slept.

I asked him where he was going.  Since things were packed up to go to his “new” place.  He said, “Oh I’m not sure, I’m hoping for confirmation today.”  I wanted to say, “Really?  You have to be out of the house in 4 days and you don’t know where you are going?”  But I know better.  He doesn’t want me to know, and to question him will only bring me a whole huge circular conversation at the end of which the answer will still be that he doesn’t know.

So…today.  He will pack up the final load.  He will drive out of the driveway, to parts unknown.  My son and I will have no way to contact him (he hasn’t had a cell phone in years) or know where he is.  It is the way he likes it to be, so no one can find him, or know what he’s doing, or hold him accountable.

It just seems so strange, so odd, so unsettling I guess, to not know where he is.  I have known every day for the last 50 years almost, since we were 18, where he was, what he was up to, basically.  It’s not that I need to know, really, my emotion for him is only sadness.  But now, he is really on  his own, really by himself.  I have serious doubts that he has even told his sister, the only family he has outside of us, where he will be.

I can’t imagine living so solitary a life.  Isolating yourself so much from the world at large.  But I accept it, it is his journey to make, perhaps he needs to do this to find his true center.  I prefer to believe that.  I prefer to believe that he will, at some point, have the epiphany of all epiphanies, and find a glimmer of light.  I prefer not to think of him as living his life out separated from the world.

Acceptance.  This was not where I thought I was going to go with this.  I was looking to accept that I wasn’t seeing S this weekend, because he’s busy with his house, and perhaps still uneasy with me, and I was looking to make good use of the time, even though I’d rather have spent some time with him, trying to bridge the gap that I so stupidly put between us last week.  To be honest, even before that, although we talked regularly and intimately, we hadn’t seen much of each other. Maybe because I was always jumping the gun with him, always demanding more than he was able, or wanting, or free to give.  Kind of acting like a petulant child, I guess, not getting what they want.

Today, I may see some friends, maybe take a walk, maybe go to a farmer’s market.  Maybe not.  Maybe just stay home, work on my house, make some jewelry since I have use of my right hand again.  The day usually brings it’s own destiny, and I will practice accepting whatever it brings my way.

I guess the only way to make sense of chaos, is acceptance.  To let be what is.  Even if the path is strewn with obstacles, and difficult to see at times.  It is what it is.  To live like water is to find a way, to go with the flow.  There is only acceptance.

Fog

Shrouded by the fog

Tears stuck in my throat,

Unwilling to make themselves known to the world.

Embarrassed to be seen

Because the reasons lay behind them, not in front of them.

Sleep is such a welcome guest

But even sleep asks,

Who are you?

Should I be here?

Solitude,

making me look inward

and see what others see.

Necessary.

Chaotic.

Like the head of Methusala

With a thousand tendrils pointing in different directions

Each one squirming to be heard, to be seen,

Which is real, which is not?

The fog narrows the world

To my small circle of vision.

I lean back, and dream

The path appears,

there, in the corner of my eye.

But I have to walk it alone, I fear.

Fear.

Paying the price.

Loss comes to me with the fog.

Suddenly all the tendrils lay together,

And weep.