Out of Sight

leaf

Leaf blowing in the autumn wind
Chased, for it’s beauty
Glowing the bright colors of the earth.

She chased it, with all her breath
Racing with the wind
To catch up with the apparition.

It slowed, and she almost caught it.
Teasing, a sudden gust blew it
Just out of her reach.

Across golden fields she ran
Through dark forests,
Obscured by the fog.

Up hills strewn with rocks
Through meadows fragrant with flower
She chased the dream of holding the leaf.

Always, just out of her reach.
Finally, exhausted
She let go the desire

To hold the leaf, to feel every facet
To know it was real.
She watched, as it blew out of sight.

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Sunday Morning Writing Therapy

Writing has saved me $1000’s in conventional therapy.

Yesterday, I recognized that it was the first weekend where I was not in absolute pain because I know he is with her.  I’ve been ok, and I guess it’s because I know the man that’s with her is not the man I knew and love.

My friend Megan wrote a blog about it not being the pain she fears but the void beyond the pain.  If it’s over, what is there but emptiness where all that emotion was?  Yes…thus my poem a few blogs back called The Void.  (https://learningtolivelikewaterblog.com/2015/10/29/the-void/   Some days it’s larger, some smaller.  Some days I can ignore it, walk by it, some days I fall in and disappear.

I also have realized that what I miss is the every day connection. I miss him being part of my life every day and being part of his.  I don’t like a man who changes his face for everyone he meets, but I have always seen S’s soul, not his face, and it’s always been his soul that I love, and that I know.  I see the inner child, just wanting to be loved because he exists, like every other child.  I can still do that.

He tried occasionally, to convince me he was a bad evil person. I always said, “I see your soul S.  I see your soul and I like what I see.  I don’t know what to tell you.”  Imagine being so convinced you don’t deserve love that you try to convince others not to love you.

I wish he and I could just talk, and be friends, without the sexual tension that’s between us.  But it always goes there, and for me that comes with attachment, and besides, I know he can turn on me on a dime, evidenced by his texting me at 4 am, and devastating me 6 hours later.  That’s not a friend.  I don’t even know what to call that.  It’s been 4 weeks, this weekend.  The wound at times is fresh, as if it just happened.  Then I remember how every time I’ve spoken to him since it has not ended well.  He has told me he cares for me.  Whatever he feels only causes me pain.  I can’t go there again.

The man I saw last week, Jim, sent me two texts yesterday.  The first was “Happy Halloween 300 times.”  which I didn’t understand at all. Like I said, I don’t get his sense of humor.  Then later he sent one saying he enjoyed my company the night before very much.  And I thought “How?  You didn’t make even the smallest effort to find out who and what I am.”  I didn’t answer either one.  I didn’t know what to say.  I was afraid if I said I was sorry, but I didn’t feel any connection, maybe we should just let it go, that he would call me, and I didn’t want to deal with it.  I chose to just ignore the texts, and hope it just fades away.  We’ve only been out 3 times.  There is no attachment.

And then there’s A.  Always there for me, always steady.  Never anything but loving and caring and honest.  Yesterday he sent me a pic, and there was a red truck in it. His truck, I thought, was black.  I asked him if he got a new truck when I disappeared.  (Which I did in August and September, just cut him off without warning to focus my attention and energy on my relationship with S, which was unraveling then.  I think even then, S was in touch with her, which was why we were unraveling.) Anyway A, answered about the truck saying it wasn’t his, but then said, “I’m so glad to have you back.  Don’t fucking disappear again!”  He went on to say “Fall madly in love, get married, but don’t disappear!”  I told him I wouldn’t, ever.  And that I didn’t want to get married either.  Just to have a loving, monogamous, extraordinary relationship with someone.

And so…I continue onward.  Feeling like S and I have unfinished business, business that will remain that way for the foreseeable future, at time nagging at me, at times I can just ignore it.  Hopeful that perhaps there is someone else out there that I can love as intensely as I loved him.  Someone who is also capable of that depth of emotion.  Clearly S, in his present state is not, nor wants to be.

Therapy, writing is therapy.

Shape-Shifter

I realized last night, after I wrote my “angry, vicious” blog, that I don’t even know him any more.  That the man I fell in love with has disappeared.  That man knew who he was, and was the same no matter who he was talking to. He would never have tried to make someone believe he was something different than who he was.

But for her he’s morphed into this quiet kind of ordinary man.  Not the flirty, very sexual, fun man I know.  I can’t stand two faced people, who behave one way with one person and another way with someone else.  Trust me, the woman Jim knows, and A, is the same woman S knew.  I will speak my truth and let everyone know who I am, although now I will speak it more slowly now.  I would never have a relationship with one man where I was flirty and communicative, and spoke directly, and embraced my sexuality and have a silent, reserved relationship with someone else.  How do I know he’s like this with her?  Because they don’t talk all week.  There is no relationship except one day a week.  So he can be whoever he wants all week, and one day a week, he convinces himself he’s what she wants him to be. She will never know that he talked to me, with lust in his heart, all day yesterday.

Way too many games necessary to do that.  Way too much drama necessary.  Way too many lies that have to be kept secret.  So manipulative.

And no way to ever really connect with anyone.  It’s a good way to stay alone, if that’s what you want.

I don’t.  And I don’t like people who won’t speak their truth with me. Or, will speak it with me, but let me watch them pretend to be different with someone else.

So I guess, there was a reason I needed to talk to him yesterday.  I guess I needed more clarity that he really is able to shape-shift into someone that I never knew, for someone else.

Who has the real guy?  I am gonna say I do.  Because I know…about her, about how she and he really are, about how he changes his personality to be with her.  Because I know his secrets, because I never asked him to be someone else to be with me.  I was always the one who knew.  He didn’t have to manipulate me to win me. He once said, “There’s no challenge with you….”  No.  there’s not.  If you want a challenge, which is just a game, go fuck someone else. If you want a connection, I’m your girl.

I do not want a shape-shifting man.  If he thinks he’s not good enough as he is to tell me his truth, then he better find another woman, one who likes the games.  One who lives the same way, and reinvents themselves for every person they meet.

I said to him last night, Why don’t you become 3 men?  Maybe 10?  Why don’t you ask her if it’s ok if you’re with one person on Tuesday and her on the weekend?  Do you think she’d like that concept?  I said, do you think it would be ok with her that you talked about having sex with me yesterday all day?  Hmmmm, I doubt it.

So yeah, it was painful for me and stupid, but boy do I have clarity now.  For the first time in 18 months, he’s not someone I want.  It’s creepy to me, it’s so manipulative.

He tried to break up with me last January or February, before he screwed the prison whore.  He came to my house, we sat on my bed, he looked me in the eye and said that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore.  He held me why I cried, he comforted me.  He allowed me to feel that I had value in his life.,

This time, 8 months later,  I got a text, telling me he was going to be with her, and he was busy and didn’t want to talk about it.  And only talked about it when I told him I was coming to his house if he didn’t.

Who the hell was this new guy?  It’s taken me 3 weeks to gain clarity.  He’s a pussy-whipped weak man, who would devastate someone who has been a good friend to him, who he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, loved him completely.  Why?  Because she had no idea of the intensity of our relationship, if he told her he was coming up here to tell me face to face he would have had to explain.  Or lie.  LOL. Lying seems to be his current choice.  But the man who looked me in the eye last winter and said, he didn’t want to hurt me and he needed to tell me that he wanted out of the relationship, never would have.  That man could have the hard conversations.

Now he will say and do whatever he feels, and manipulate her into thinking he’s someone he’s not.  It’s creepy.  It’s creepy for me, that I loved, yes past tense, someone like this.  I run from people like this, I look them in the eye and tell them to leave me alone.  I want nothing to do with them.

There is always a lesson from the pain.  I needed to do this yesterday, to have absolute clarity.

Now I can go out to dinner with Jim tomorrow night with a much more free heart.  A much more healed heart, open heart.  Jim wants to take me to Point Judith (a fishing village in Rhode Island) to a place he loves to get lobsters, sometime.  I was a little unsure, because it would be spending most of the day together, it’s about 2 hours from here, but I’m not now. I look forward to the drive, to being with him for the day.  To the lobsters.  I know who he is, so far.  So far he has been willing to be vulnerable to me, I have not felt an inkling of manipulation on his part.  Nor have I manipulated him.  I told him about S.  He knows what he’s getting, he doesn’t know me well, but enough to trust me.

A….well, A and I had a nice conversation yesterday.  S said he hoped he and I could have a relationship like that.  Not while he’s willing to shape-shift to impress someone, and in the process  carelessly and yes, viciously, hurt the people that love him.  A is the same with me as always, and with everyone he knows.  I met his son, his step son, his friends, he included me in his life because everyone knows the same man, there is no pressure.  Jim is the same way.

S didn’t want me to know anyone. And now I see, it’s because he has a different personna for each person.  He wouldn’t know who to be if I was in the same room with say, his daughter, or one of his few friends.  Being a phony is a lot of pressure.  Which is why he has only a few friends, because no one knows the same man.

Wow.  I get it.  I may be slow, but I get it.  Onward, with men who know and like who they are, and don’t shape-shift trying to get everyone to like them.

Add on:  After doing my morning meditation, I realize he does the best he can, that the shape-shifting is a strategy he developed to deal with what has happened to him in  his life.  It doesn’t mean it’s right, but it does allow forgiveness, and release of my anger.  I let him go with love again, but this time, knowing what I am letting go with much more clarity.  I hope he can find a way, before he leaves this life, to be true to himself.

The End Is In Sight This Morning

I’m up early this morning.  I have been out on the deck since the very first rays of sunlight edged the eastern horizon.  It’s still, the birds are not even singing yet.  And it’s cool, I’m wrapped in a blanket.  It promises to be a beautiful day.

I’d thought I was going to the beach today, but that didn’t work out.  It’s ok, though.  I am going for a walk with a friend this morning, just back from Martha’s Vineyard where she has a summer home.  It will be good to catch up.  My son will be home from his music festival in the early afternoon, and it will be good to see him, have his somewhat chaotic energy back in the house.  And his help in finding and getting rid of the snake!

I am better this morning.  I have a selenite healing wand with a fluorite tip on it.  The two stones are very healing.  I held it to my heart last night.  One of selenite’s metaphysical properties is that it helps to break up patterns, and I felt it was exactly what I needed to get over S.  I need to break up the pattern that my mind and heart go through when I think of him.  I held it there, and repeated “detach” like a mantra.  Focusing on the word, on visually seeing the energetic cords break off and fall away.  I fell asleep with it that way.  I think it helped.  Because this morning when I think of him, I remember all the ways we did not get along, all the reasons I tried to break it off with him all summer, and he kept drawing me back in.

Looking back, I suppose he just didn’t want to be alone.  I don’t think that he thought that, purposefully.  Just, he really has so few people in his life.  His daughter and son, and one good friend that I know of.  He wasn’t in love with me, but he liked the fact that I was.

I am putting that in the past tense.  I think I can just begin to feel the transformation of what I felt for him, becoming something else.  Something less painful, something more like the words of that song “You’re just someone that I used to love.”   No mean intent, just that I can feel the first tendrils of moving my heart away from him, and the pain and chaos loving him has cost me.

I’ve known for months we were not meant to be.  We never saw each other for one, which was his decision. Not mine.  But I stopped fighting it long ago.  I saw him maybe 4 times all summer.  So why is it such a big deal that he is not with me now?  Because he’s with someone else, and it feels like rejection.  Because I am jealous, I would have liked to be someone he wanted to spend more time with, but I never was, so I need to stop making it out to be like he ever wanted to be with me anyway.  He just liked keeping me on the periphery of his life, liked knowing there was someone out there who adored him.

Well, I don’t, adore him at the moment.  I’m not mad, but this morning I am real.  His relationships are all pretty dysfunctional.  He has been healing the one with his daughter, but Betty Boop will probably reverse that in a big hurry.  Too bad.

I have lived such a dysfunctional life with my ex, that I was comfortable with S’s ability to create a dysfunctional relationship with me.  I realized that this summer, there are probably 3 or 4 blogs about how I tried to end it with him, and he talked me out of it.  Most notably, the time in maybe July, where he had just pulled me back in with the possibility of him being very sick, and then disappeared on me for 4 days.  I mean, literally, on the weekend, he called and asked me not to “dump” him, and told me how he is sick and the constant pain of his headaches was making him behave poorly, and so I didn’t, and I think he came up to my house that weekend, maybe.  Then the next weekend his mother died and he disappeared to New Jersey, without a word, and I was calling the hospitals here to see if he’d been admitted, because I was afraid he had an aneurysm.  I was so terrified.  He came home and texted me like it was nothing.

Dysfunction.

I don’t need that.  He once told me that he and his ex gf used to fight passionately, and make up passionately, and that there had been many times when they had separated for months at a time.  This was when we first met, and I thought, I don’t want any fighting passionately.  When a fight begins, I run.  I was the runner.  I have had more than my share of hard fought, blood and guts fights in my life, and I don’t like them.  Back then, he didn’t yet know she had married within months of leaving him.  I think he thought it was just another temporary break up.  One day she messaged him, after I’d been seeing him for a couple of months, said she wanted to see him.  Of course, I was terrified, and he was kinder then, than now.  He told me to not worry, that I was taking him out of the equation, that he was just going to talk to her, and it didn’t mean he was going back to her.  Turns out she wanted to meet with him to tell him face to face she was married.  He disappeared then for 2 days.  Wouldn’t talk to me, or answer my texts, left me hanging out to dry, just kind of like this weekend.  The difference was he gave our relationship no consideration this time, He just said, “she’s back in my life.”  After 18 months.  He let go of me so fast, that it’s taken me days just to get up on my own two feet again.  I was blindsided, not only by Betty Boop’s appearance in his life, and mine by extension, but by how easily and quickly he threw our relationship to the wind.

Well, it’s all moot now.  She’s back, and I am letting go.  I think about all the hurt, all the times he disregarded my feelings because he couldn’t cope with his own.  When I am in a relationship with someone, him included, generally I consider their feelings first.  He and I both were dysfunctional, we could not figure out how to make it work.

It was a bad relationship.  It is good that something happened to make it actually end, to create an ending that there is no bridge from to get back to where we were.  Where we were was not a good place anyway.  I know there are much better places ahead of me, than behind me.

I’m going to have a good day today.  The knot in my stomach has unraveled some.  I made a pot of chili yesterday, but couldn’t eat any of it.  We’ll have it today, with some good bread.  I’ll work at opening the door for something “magnificent” to walk through.  I know the rest of my life will be wonderful, I know what I want, and where I’m going and what I’m going to do when I get there. S is beginning to fade, and I can imagine, for the first time, that a day is coming where I don’t think of him wistfully.  Maybe kind of, he was kind of a cool guy but so messed up.  I’d like to remember him fondly, but not painfully.  Someday.

Not there yet, but like I say, I know where I’m going and what I want, and that’s what I want.  Just to let go of it all, say I loved him once, we had some fun, but we had more pain, and we let it go.

The end.

Beach Day

Rocky Neck Beach, Niantic CT

The day was hot, my car said 87.  We got to the beach about 10:30.  There was a light breeze off the water, and it was slightly humid and hazy.  We could make out Plum Island in the haze.  (If you ever saw “Silence of the Lambs”, at the end they made an offer to Hannibal the Cannibal to live out his life on Plum Island.  They used to do testing on very very dangerous animal diseases, like Anthrax, etc. there, but I believe it’s closed.  They still don’t allow anyone on the island.  It’s widely believed that’s where Lyme Disease came from.  It is directly across Long Island Sound from Old Lyme, CT, where the disease in humans was first diagnosed.  Just a bit of local information.)

I watched the boats plying the water and wistfully remembered my old life, all the years I was out there on a day like this. But the next best thing is to be sitting on the beach, smelling the salt air, letting the negative ions do their thing.  We talked, ate, walked, rested, read.  It was just a lovely relaxing day.

I had a short texting conversation with A before I went to the beach.  I wanted to make sure we were on the same page and he understood that there were 1000’s of miles between us, which would always remain. So we were good friends, close friends, but that chances are we would both meet someone else. He agreed completely and said he hoped I would find someone who would “adore me”.  Sweet man.

I didn’t hear from S today at all, but did hear from him Friday night.  We first texted, then we talked on the phone.  It was a nice conversation.  He updated me on his health. He made me laugh, I will always appreciate that about him.  He has an offbeat sense of humor that just tickles my funnybone.  We texted a little yesterday before I went on the boat.  I didn’t get in touch with him when I came home last night.  I was just tired from the day, being on the water always makes me sleepy.  He texted me at about 11, wondering if I was angry.  Which made no sense to me, but no, I said, I wasn’t angry, I was just sleeping.  That conversation ended rather badly, because I brought up the 4 day silence I got last week.  I have not heard from him since, even though I apologized this morning for being bitchy, but saying I was also still working through that anger. I think it’s understandable.  Maybe he’s just giving me space to work it out, I don’t know.  Maybe he’s angry.  Whatever it is, I am not worrying about it.

There are many things about him I love (like the way he makes me laugh) but I have no interest in continuing our relationship as it was.  So it’s all good.

It has been a lovely weekend, by the water, all weekend. The thought runs through my mind occasionally that I so hoped I’d be doing these things with S, but I’m doing them, and that’s a good thing. There are no expectations now, no hopes, no dreams, only the present moment, and I am good with it, as it is, whatever it is.  There’s no pain that way either.

Getting Grounded in Reality

I finally talked to S.  Well, that’s stretching it. We texted.  And I think in the end, we came to an amicable understanding that we needed to stop seeing each other.  That’s how I hoped it would be.  I have no anger, I have no regrets.  I understand him, and I think that while he may not completely understand me, he at least respects my feelings now.  I didn’t want this to end in a blaze of anger and ego, and I think that’s what we managed to do.

Last night I had a strange dream.  I had been thinking how S was now free (he always was, but there will be nothing pulling him back now) to go discover who he is, on his own, discover his passions, decide how he wants to spend his retirement.  That thought converted to a dream as I fell asleep, I guess.  I dreamed he came to just “check in”, just visit.  I was sitting outside, on the side of a hill, next to a border garden, backed up by a fence..  There was another man sitting with me, who I didn’t recognize. I never saw S in this dream but I know he was sitting with us.  I said to him something about my sister…and then “my sister knows everything.”  (LOL, I know I was talking about my older sis, even though I have a younger as well.) When I said it, suddenly a human form began to break out of the garden, sitting up, forming before my eyes from the dirt and grass and flowers in the garden.

I guess that kind of freaked me out, I wasn’t scared,  but it was just weird….and it woke me up.  I don’t know  what it had to do with S, or me.  I don’t think I can look up “human form created from garden” on dreammoods.com, lol.  I would guess it had something to do with being grounded, a spirit, connection to the earth.  As for how my sister ties into it, I really don’t know.  She went through such a hard time this winter, trying to care for my mother after her stroke, and has spent the couple of months regrounding herself, in much the same way I do when I get lost.

That’s two strange dreams I’ve had in a couple of days.  The other one upset me, this one didn’t, but I thought about it a lot, had a hard time getting back to sleep, and ended up texting S, further explaining to him that I still can see him, I still know there is something in his soul worth loving, and that someday I hope he is able to believe it and open it up to someone.  And I felt quite grounded, loving and detached when I said it.  So maybe that was the point of the dream, to help me to become grounded in the reality that it is over with S.

On to a new day, a new week.  I hope there are some new and exciting things coming my way.   And yours.

Love and light.

Reality Check

Reality is the conjectured state of things as they actually exist, rather than as they may appear or might be imagined. In a wider definition, reality includes everything that is and has been, whether or not it is observable or comprehensible. – Wikipedia

Image result for reality

Trying to sort through memories, dreams, visions, events, people who came and left in the last year.  How much of it was real?  How much of it was conjecture on my part?

What was real, aside from putting my head on my own pillow at night, by myself.  The chaotic energy of my son in the house. The morning meditations.  The mundane household tasks.

How much of love was real?  How much of the passion was real?  How much of it was just created.  Just me trying so hard to get what I wanted.

So…how much of the ugly was real?  If the love maybe wasn’t completely real, maybe all the ugly wasn’t either.

I’ve been reading Byron Katie’s books on The Work.  The four questions….

1. Is it true?  2. Can you know absolutely that it’s true? 3. How do you react, how do you feel, when you think that thought? 4. Who would you be without that thought?

Answers:  1. I don’t know.  I thought so, but maybe not. 2. No. No. NO.  3. I am emotional.  4. Relaxed, happy, non-judgmental.

I don’t know what was real, and what wasn’t.  But I do know this.

Love never hurts. It never makes you feel bad about yourself. It never makes you insecure.  If it’s doing that 75% of the time, and bringing you joy 25% of the time, it’s not love.  Especially, when you’re the only one whose thinking it is.

Well….whether or not it was love isn’t really important now, because the love, if that’s what it was, is gone.  Poof!  In a big cloud of epithets cast for reasons not fully understood, it’s gone.

I think though,  it’s floating around in the universe, waiting to come back where it’s real.