I keep thinking that I’ve figured out how to get off the merry-go-round. You know, that feeling, that you’ve been going around and around and not getting anywhere. Riding a horse that you can close your eyes and with a real good imagination believe it’s real for a moment. Ah, such bliss in that fake horse, for the short time that you make it real. But, you open your eyes and there you are on a fake horse going nowhere.
Suddenly, you want off. You have things to do, places to go, people to meet, a reality to deal with. You just want off. So, you dig in your heels and try to slow it down so you can get off with out smashing your face into the ground. You ask the man who runs the throttle to please slow it down, so you can dismount. But you’re dependent on his good nature, his time-table, you don’t know if the glint in his eye means he enjoys seeing people flying off the horses or if he has some compassion for those that need to leave.
I went to a gong bath Thursday night. During an exceptional “white noise” tsunami, which is when the gong players play them so loud and hard that the sound and the vibrations absolutely don’t allow a thought, only emotions, I cried out, asking for resolution. I surrendered. (It’s lovely when you cry out during a tsunami, no one hears you except God, or your inner self….). I turned it over to the greater powers that be, to resolve how they saw fit, trusting that it would be in my best interest.
I was up all night (thus my poem, Sleepless). Caused, as usual by expectations, attachment. (OH Buddha, I can’t figure out how to not be attached. And not having expectations is hard….) I expected a certain outcome, which I thought was realistic, on Wednesday night. Let’s just say, I was disappointed. I was suddenly snapped back into the past, with old fears, old issues.
Thursday morning, I was on an emotional edge all day, it wouldn’t have taken much to push me into the abyss, a gentle push, maybe one little finger in the small of my back, as I peered over the edge and idly wondered what was at the bottom. Of course, I remembered, later. Grateful that I didn’t make the leap to find out what I already knew. It’s never good down there.
Back to surrender…..and the vibrational healing of the gongs. I was subdued after the bath, I went home, I was in bed not long after. I was exhausted, as if I’d been up for days, and carrying a heavy burden while I walked. I lay down, sure I would pass out and of course, did not. Until about 4 am. I sobbed, I cried, i asked. I lay there numb. I got up and walked around, I sat by the window, I put on my meditation music over and over, changing the cd’s at 2 am. I asked…please get me off this merry-go-round. Trusting that it would be resolved to my highest good. To everyone’s highest good.
So, come Friday, I had to go to work on 2 or 3 hours sleep. Again, still, I had what I thought was a realistic expectation for Friday night. But the offer I got, was a long way from the one I wanted. My gut did a flip flop and screamed “NOOOOOO….” and so, I refused it. Knowing that my gut is much more tied in to what’s better for my highest good than my mind, which toyed for a second or two with accepting far less than I wanted. Because it would have given me a little pleasure to accept and then a lot of pain.
Listen to your gut, always listen to your gut.
Last night I discussed the offer….with the one who made it. But I didn’t cry. I didn’t even get mad or upset. I’m not angry about it. I’m disappointed but I am accepting the reality that it is what it is. Reality. And I guess this is the way the universe is working it out in my best interest. So be it. It seems that there is really no reason to accept less than I dream of, in this one life that I have. (At least in this lifetime, I only have this one life….) It seems it is dishonest to my inner being to change myself to become what someone else needs. (Which I know, I have done that before much more blatantly.)
Well, the story is not ended yet. It isn’t quite over I guess. I am willing to ride it out, to see where it goes. But I’m not afraid and I think I have a more realistic expectation of the outcome.
But damn, I didn’t want to go to Florida alone. Sigh……