Rocky Neck Beach, Niantic CT
The day was hot, my car said 87. We got to the beach about 10:30. There was a light breeze off the water, and it was slightly humid and hazy. We could make out Plum Island in the haze. (If you ever saw “Silence of the Lambs”, at the end they made an offer to Hannibal the Cannibal to live out his life on Plum Island. They used to do testing on very very dangerous animal diseases, like Anthrax, etc. there, but I believe it’s closed. They still don’t allow anyone on the island. It’s widely believed that’s where Lyme Disease came from. It is directly across Long Island Sound from Old Lyme, CT, where the disease in humans was first diagnosed. Just a bit of local information.)
I watched the boats plying the water and wistfully remembered my old life, all the years I was out there on a day like this. But the next best thing is to be sitting on the beach, smelling the salt air, letting the negative ions do their thing. We talked, ate, walked, rested, read. It was just a lovely relaxing day.
I had a short texting conversation with A before I went to the beach. I wanted to make sure we were on the same page and he understood that there were 1000’s of miles between us, which would always remain. So we were good friends, close friends, but that chances are we would both meet someone else. He agreed completely and said he hoped I would find someone who would “adore me”. Sweet man.
I didn’t hear from S today at all, but did hear from him Friday night. We first texted, then we talked on the phone. It was a nice conversation. He updated me on his health. He made me laugh, I will always appreciate that about him. He has an offbeat sense of humor that just tickles my funnybone. We texted a little yesterday before I went on the boat. I didn’t get in touch with him when I came home last night. I was just tired from the day, being on the water always makes me sleepy. He texted me at about 11, wondering if I was angry. Which made no sense to me, but no, I said, I wasn’t angry, I was just sleeping. That conversation ended rather badly, because I brought up the 4 day silence I got last week. I have not heard from him since, even though I apologized this morning for being bitchy, but saying I was also still working through that anger. I think it’s understandable. Maybe he’s just giving me space to work it out, I don’t know. Maybe he’s angry. Whatever it is, I am not worrying about it.
There are many things about him I love (like the way he makes me laugh) but I have no interest in continuing our relationship as it was. So it’s all good.
It has been a lovely weekend, by the water, all weekend. The thought runs through my mind occasionally that I so hoped I’d be doing these things with S, but I’m doing them, and that’s a good thing. There are no expectations now, no hopes, no dreams, only the present moment, and I am good with it, as it is, whatever it is. There’s no pain that way either.