I realized last night, after I wrote my “angry, vicious” blog, that I don’t even know him any more. That the man I fell in love with has disappeared. That man knew who he was, and was the same no matter who he was talking to. He would never have tried to make someone believe he was something different than who he was.
But for her he’s morphed into this quiet kind of ordinary man. Not the flirty, very sexual, fun man I know. I can’t stand two faced people, who behave one way with one person and another way with someone else. Trust me, the woman Jim knows, and A, is the same woman S knew. I will speak my truth and let everyone know who I am, although now I will speak it more slowly now. I would never have a relationship with one man where I was flirty and communicative, and spoke directly, and embraced my sexuality and have a silent, reserved relationship with someone else. How do I know he’s like this with her? Because they don’t talk all week. There is no relationship except one day a week. So he can be whoever he wants all week, and one day a week, he convinces himself he’s what she wants him to be. She will never know that he talked to me, with lust in his heart, all day yesterday.
Way too many games necessary to do that. Way too much drama necessary. Way too many lies that have to be kept secret. So manipulative.
And no way to ever really connect with anyone. It’s a good way to stay alone, if that’s what you want.
I don’t. And I don’t like people who won’t speak their truth with me. Or, will speak it with me, but let me watch them pretend to be different with someone else.
So I guess, there was a reason I needed to talk to him yesterday. I guess I needed more clarity that he really is able to shape-shift into someone that I never knew, for someone else.
Who has the real guy? I am gonna say I do. Because I know…about her, about how she and he really are, about how he changes his personality to be with her. Because I know his secrets, because I never asked him to be someone else to be with me. I was always the one who knew. He didn’t have to manipulate me to win me. He once said, “There’s no challenge with you….” No. there’s not. If you want a challenge, which is just a game, go fuck someone else. If you want a connection, I’m your girl.
I do not want a shape-shifting man. If he thinks he’s not good enough as he is to tell me his truth, then he better find another woman, one who likes the games. One who lives the same way, and reinvents themselves for every person they meet.
I said to him last night, Why don’t you become 3 men? Maybe 10? Why don’t you ask her if it’s ok if you’re with one person on Tuesday and her on the weekend? Do you think she’d like that concept? I said, do you think it would be ok with her that you talked about having sex with me yesterday all day? Hmmmm, I doubt it.
So yeah, it was painful for me and stupid, but boy do I have clarity now. For the first time in 18 months, he’s not someone I want. It’s creepy to me, it’s so manipulative.
He tried to break up with me last January or February, before he screwed the prison whore. He came to my house, we sat on my bed, he looked me in the eye and said that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He held me why I cried, he comforted me. He allowed me to feel that I had value in his life.,
This time, 8 months later, I got a text, telling me he was going to be with her, and he was busy and didn’t want to talk about it. And only talked about it when I told him I was coming to his house if he didn’t.
Who the hell was this new guy? It’s taken me 3 weeks to gain clarity. He’s a pussy-whipped weak man, who would devastate someone who has been a good friend to him, who he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, loved him completely. Why? Because she had no idea of the intensity of our relationship, if he told her he was coming up here to tell me face to face he would have had to explain. Or lie. LOL. Lying seems to be his current choice. But the man who looked me in the eye last winter and said, he didn’t want to hurt me and he needed to tell me that he wanted out of the relationship, never would have. That man could have the hard conversations.
Now he will say and do whatever he feels, and manipulate her into thinking he’s someone he’s not. It’s creepy. It’s creepy for me, that I loved, yes past tense, someone like this. I run from people like this, I look them in the eye and tell them to leave me alone. I want nothing to do with them.
There is always a lesson from the pain. I needed to do this yesterday, to have absolute clarity.
Now I can go out to dinner with Jim tomorrow night with a much more free heart. A much more healed heart, open heart. Jim wants to take me to Point Judith (a fishing village in Rhode Island) to a place he loves to get lobsters, sometime. I was a little unsure, because it would be spending most of the day together, it’s about 2 hours from here, but I’m not now. I look forward to the drive, to being with him for the day. To the lobsters. I know who he is, so far. So far he has been willing to be vulnerable to me, I have not felt an inkling of manipulation on his part. Nor have I manipulated him. I told him about S. He knows what he’s getting, he doesn’t know me well, but enough to trust me.
A….well, A and I had a nice conversation yesterday. S said he hoped he and I could have a relationship like that. Not while he’s willing to shape-shift to impress someone, and in the process carelessly and yes, viciously, hurt the people that love him. A is the same with me as always, and with everyone he knows. I met his son, his step son, his friends, he included me in his life because everyone knows the same man, there is no pressure. Jim is the same way.
S didn’t want me to know anyone. And now I see, it’s because he has a different personna for each person. He wouldn’t know who to be if I was in the same room with say, his daughter, or one of his few friends. Being a phony is a lot of pressure. Which is why he has only a few friends, because no one knows the same man.
Wow. I get it. I may be slow, but I get it. Onward, with men who know and like who they are, and don’t shape-shift trying to get everyone to like them.
Add on: After doing my morning meditation, I realize he does the best he can, that the shape-shifting is a strategy he developed to deal with what has happened to him in his life. It doesn’t mean it’s right, but it does allow forgiveness, and release of my anger. I let him go with love again, but this time, knowing what I am letting go with much more clarity. I hope he can find a way, before he leaves this life, to be true to himself.