Closing That Door

I swear, next time I want to believe that maybe S cares for me, I hope someone slaps me upside the head.  Hard.  All week, and particularly today, based on our flirty conversations via text, I thought we were gonna spend some real time together this weekend.  Flirty, intimate conversation.

I thought, because he had asked me if I had plans for this evening, followed by a big smiley face, that I’d see him tonight and tomorrow.  Why?  Because I have told him, unequivocally, that I don’t want want to be together for the just the night.  If he doesn’t want to spend the day with me like he did all winter, don’t bother.

Well, I heard from him at 2:30, kept waiting for directives about tonight/this weekend, because when I make plans he tells me I am pushing.  I didn’t hear from him again until about 7:30.  5 hours, I was waiting to figure out what I am doing this weekend.  He’s been so sick, but he felt well enough to go to a car show.  A car show.  He said he wanted to test how he felt walking around.  See if he got dizzy, and nauseous   Bullshit.  He wanted to go to the car show.  And I wasn’t important enough in his life for him to tell me. He knew I’d be sitting there waiting, like some fucking fool.  Must have had a good laugh at my expense.  Filled that empty space called an ego right up with my fucking adoration.

He said, when I heard from him at 7:30, that he wanted to drive up here to talk, but that even if he ended up spending the night, he’d leave in the morning.  I told him don’t bother.  Not interested in sleeping with someone who doesn’t want to spend any other time with me.

All fucking winter I dreamed about going to the beach with him, spending a great day, coming home, spending a lovely night with him.  All fucking winter.  It’s August.  Hasn’t happened yet.

Saturday he has stuff to do.  Oh and like that’s special.  No one who owns a house and works has anything to do on the weekend.  No just S, he’s so special. Sunday he likes to keep for “himself”.  So guess what?  He can’t fit me into his busy life.  Well, guess what else, I could, fit him in.  But I no longer want to.  I’ll find someone who has time for me outside of the bedroom.  Feel like a stupid idiotic teenager who bought a bunch of empty promises in exchange for her virginity.

Cut me to the chase.  Blindsided.  Broken.  Bruised. Beat.  How many times do I have to repeat myself?  It’s not what I want. If you don’t want a relationship with me that involves doing things together, spending time together not in bed,I’m not your woman.  Geezus.  I am so sick of allowing myself to get sucked in again.  I’m an idiot.

He told me the reason he doesn’t want to be in a relationship is not because he doesn’t want to be with me but that he wants to be free.  Then GO.  Be free S.  That doesn’t mean having me in the background to deal with you when you’re horny. You need to get laid? Go find a prison whore.

Be free.  I’ll be free.  I’ll find someone who wants me, for me, who wants to love me, who loves what I have to offer.  Who won’t take someone’s precious love for them and treat it like it’s a hamburger from MickeyD’s.

Be free.  Be dark.  Be whatever the fuck you want S.  But you won’t be in my heart.  Not any more.  I’m gonna somehow forget I loved you, and wanted to be part of your life.  And I won’t look back.

The psychic told me when I close the wrong doors, the right ones will open.  I’m all about closing the doors.  The S door is now officially closed.

So Hard and So Easy

S has been sick for the last few days, for the last couple months to be truthful.   It’s undiagnosed, at this point he’s waiting for results of a ton of bloodwork.  It’s gotten much worse in the past week.

I think that it has been the cause of his treating me unkindly, on and off.  It is wearing on him, and at times he lashes out at me, and then, realizes he did and makes an effort to bring me back.  It seems to be his natural tendency, to push, then pull, and not feeling well has ingrained it moreso.

Why do I keep letting him reach me and pull me back?  It’s a valid question, when he’s said he still loves his ex, or that he wants to be free to date other women, when he states unequivocally that he does not want to make me part of his whole life, or that he doesn’t want to love or have a relationship.  So why am I even talking to him?

First of all, none of that changes how I feel about  him.  It changes the way I react to him, I have not seen him in weeks.  I won’t get involved in anything more than communication if those things are how he feels, but I have been there for him, or tried to be.  Right now, I have put all those questions on the back burner, because he’s so sick, and I just want to talk about whatever will take his mind off of it while the medical community tries to pinpoint the cause of it

Our relationship has been different since the very beginning.  I have felt like I knew him before, in another life maybe, or that our souls knew each other and agreed to find each other at the end of this incarnation, to help us both remember who we really are in our essence.  Perhaps before we came to this life, he chose the dark life he has had for some particular lesson his soul would learn, or for karmic balance, and asked me not to forget him, to not leave him in that dark place.  I have heard past life stories that support that kind of thought.  But I have no way of knowing, until I have left this life  I only know that when he gets angry, or I do, we  split, then we cool down, and we always reach for each other again.  For more than a year we have done this.

I’ve dated enough men to know this is not a normal connection, that there is something running deeper that neither of us quite understand.  He has said to me, since the beginning, when we were just starting to see each other, that he can feel me, if something happened to me he would know.  I also feel like I know what he is feeling, all the time, even if I haven’t talked to him in days.

So, I am just going with the flow, with him.  Right now, I just want to be there for him through whatever this is that is making him so ill.  Unquestionably I love him, I feel like I loved him before I met him, like it has always been a state of my heart, that came to the surface when we met.  The day we met it was instantaneous, I knew I wanted to be with him,  He liked me ok, it was not as evident for him, but I think it was there, because it is usually he that makes the effort when we push apart to pull us back together.  There is something there,

I would like to get past all the fear of being hurt, fear of loving, fear of trusting another person with him.  We get so close it becomes scary, then we get too far apart and we are both empty.  Maybe.  Maybe I’m speaking for him and shouldn’t be, since his story is his to tell.  Just my perception.

I’d like to see him this weekend, if just to reassure myself that he’s ok.  But I need to clarify the things he said about wanting to be free to date others, because I can’t go to him, if that’s how he feels.  My human heart could not stand that.

It’s hard and it’s so easy..  Trying to find our way.