So Hard and So Easy

S has been sick for the last few days, for the last couple months to be truthful.   It’s undiagnosed, at this point he’s waiting for results of a ton of bloodwork.  It’s gotten much worse in the past week.

I think that it has been the cause of his treating me unkindly, on and off.  It is wearing on him, and at times he lashes out at me, and then, realizes he did and makes an effort to bring me back.  It seems to be his natural tendency, to push, then pull, and not feeling well has ingrained it moreso.

Why do I keep letting him reach me and pull me back?  It’s a valid question, when he’s said he still loves his ex, or that he wants to be free to date other women, when he states unequivocally that he does not want to make me part of his whole life, or that he doesn’t want to love or have a relationship.  So why am I even talking to him?

First of all, none of that changes how I feel about  him.  It changes the way I react to him, I have not seen him in weeks.  I won’t get involved in anything more than communication if those things are how he feels, but I have been there for him, or tried to be.  Right now, I have put all those questions on the back burner, because he’s so sick, and I just want to talk about whatever will take his mind off of it while the medical community tries to pinpoint the cause of it

Our relationship has been different since the very beginning.  I have felt like I knew him before, in another life maybe, or that our souls knew each other and agreed to find each other at the end of this incarnation, to help us both remember who we really are in our essence.  Perhaps before we came to this life, he chose the dark life he has had for some particular lesson his soul would learn, or for karmic balance, and asked me not to forget him, to not leave him in that dark place.  I have heard past life stories that support that kind of thought.  But I have no way of knowing, until I have left this life  I only know that when he gets angry, or I do, we  split, then we cool down, and we always reach for each other again.  For more than a year we have done this.

I’ve dated enough men to know this is not a normal connection, that there is something running deeper that neither of us quite understand.  He has said to me, since the beginning, when we were just starting to see each other, that he can feel me, if something happened to me he would know.  I also feel like I know what he is feeling, all the time, even if I haven’t talked to him in days.

So, I am just going with the flow, with him.  Right now, I just want to be there for him through whatever this is that is making him so ill.  Unquestionably I love him, I feel like I loved him before I met him, like it has always been a state of my heart, that came to the surface when we met.  The day we met it was instantaneous, I knew I wanted to be with him,  He liked me ok, it was not as evident for him, but I think it was there, because it is usually he that makes the effort when we push apart to pull us back together.  There is something there,

I would like to get past all the fear of being hurt, fear of loving, fear of trusting another person with him.  We get so close it becomes scary, then we get too far apart and we are both empty.  Maybe.  Maybe I’m speaking for him and shouldn’t be, since his story is his to tell.  Just my perception.

I’d like to see him this weekend, if just to reassure myself that he’s ok.  But I need to clarify the things he said about wanting to be free to date others, because I can’t go to him, if that’s how he feels.  My human heart could not stand that.

It’s hard and it’s so easy..  Trying to find our way.

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