Sunday Thoughts

challenges

The weather here has retreated back to winter for a few days.  An Alberta Clipper dumped a few inches of snow on us in a very short time this morning, and now has stopped.  Yesterday it was warm and rainy, typical spring weather.  Like me, the weather can’t quite let go of the past, yet, knows that the best is yet to come. 

Still, I know that the past is not what I want. And the future is so bright, right now.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. Well…not getting to sleep, staying asleep. I think, left-over emotions from Maggie’s passing. She was the first living being that I have stood by, watching as she left this world little by little. Letting her go, little by little. And grateful, when her time came, that she was no longer in pain. Grateful that she had been in my life for these last 8 ½ years, to comfort me when I most needed it, to love me when the darkness came, when the fear for and missing of my son overwhelmed me. When the illusion of being loved was no longer an option. When the person who loved me the best, the most, the longest, the purest, left this world.

Honestly, she would hear me cry, and hop up on the bed, and lay on the pillow next to me, resting herself on my arm, or hand, purring loudly. She was my constant companion, where I was, she was. When she heard my mediation music go on in the morning, she would jump up on the couch, walk around me, rub her head against my cheek, and lay down beside me purring, as I drifted into the space between the words. She always greeted me by the door when I came home, having been alerted that I was home by the garage door opening. It will take me some time not to be looking for her to race up the stairs ahead of me, and then sit in the bathroom, waiting for me to turn on the water in the sink for her drink.

Watching her slide into the void, sharing that experience with her, felt like an honor. She was here, she slowly drifted away. She seemed afraid in moments, she was calmed by my voice and my hand petting her head gently. My son too, throughout her last night, came up to check on her often. He brought her food and water bowls in the room where I had made her a bed, he took food out of the bowl and put it by her head, trying to will her to eat a little.

Her loss, brought up the other losses, of the last few months. I work my way through all those emotions, again, and wonder when they will just be memories, and not arouse pain, or longing, or wistfulness. When I will just miss those people, without attachment to their loss. When will all the working through will be done.

I have found that missing someone is easier than losing them. Most of the time, I can miss those who are gone from my life, and it is just an undercurrent of my life. Part of who I am, what makes me the unique person I am. But another loss, makes a new crack, and before the light fills it, the emotions all pour out of the crack, into my heart. When they are done, finished, the light will fill the crack, I will have a greater glow than before.

The people we have loved will always live on in our hearts, they will always have a place there. The energy connections remain, a comforting hum in the cacophonous din of the world.

Love and light….

Left-Over Thoughts From the Epiphany Yesterday

I’ve finally come down off the adrenaline of last night’s epiphany about who and what I’ve been dealing with.  It’s a shock to the system, when you finally see someone clearly that you’ve been making up stories about because you loved them.  I’m assimilating, the message is working it’s way through my chakras, I’m fairly balanced and calm tonight.

I told my son a little bit about the plans that he had for me, and my son was like “Say WHAT??????”  LOL.  He never liked the guy, but even he was amazed at the audacity, the sheer egocentricity of the things he espouses.  You just gotta just say, ” Wow, I dodged a real bullet…”  She’s welcome to him.  Ewwww.  Of course, he won’t make the offer to her, lol.  Or even let her know it was on the table.  LOL.  Idiocy.  Just idiocy.  At least I had a good idea of who I was lavishing affection on .  She has no idea, but that’s her own stupidity.  I’m sure she likes the games as well as he does.

Texted with both Jim and A today, A for only a short time.  Jim throughout the day.  It will be a fun to go out on a Friday night!  I think it will give us, particularly me, a much better read on our connection.  Jim seems to feel a good connection, but I’m a long way from that.  I really don’t get his sense of humor, but I think he’s trying too hard to be funny. Although, he just called and made me laugh while we talked.  Maybe it’s just the texting thing, sometimes it’s hard to follow, but I want to try to lighten him up a bit.  I know I have been holding back, and I will continue to do that, so I don’t get myself into another dysfunctional relationship.  But I won’t be holding back because I’m in love anymore with someone else.  With clarity, that romantic love just dissipated.  Gone.  And it’s easier to ignore the connection we have, when I look at him through clear eyes.

You know, we get one good shot at this life.  He actually got two, the second when some philanthropic organization paid $208,000 so that he could get an experimental drug that cured him of liver cancer….I mean, that cancer is usually just a death sentence.  And he wastes that 2nd chance playing games with people, play acting out who he is with everyone and full of self satisfaction when they believe the lie, instead of trying to make his life worth the effort of those who gave him the 2nd chance.  Instead of showing gratitude for his few more years on the earth by trying to love people, and do his best to lift them, as he was lifted.  He is still only interested in getting what he wants, whether it’s right or wrong, whether it makes him a better person, or drives him into a hole, whether it allows him to be connected to the human race, the one great consciousness, or causes him to be separate and alone.  Thoughtless.  Careless.  Ungrateful. Self-absorbed.  But mostly, sad, just sad.

A few left-over thoughts is all.  I’m moving Onward…..

Love and light.