Bus. Busy. Business. Omibus. Busted. Bush. Bushwacking

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This post was written for the Stream of Consciousness Saturday writing prompt, SoCS, hosted by Linda G. Hill.  If you go to this site, https://lindaghill.com/2016/09/23/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-sept-2416/  you will get all the info should you wish to contribute.

The prompt this week was “bus”, to use as a word itself, or contained in a word. This is my attempt.

Bus. Busy. Business. Omibus. Busted. Bush. Bushwacking.

It’s been busy, of late.
Driving across country
Not in a bus.
In a car
With my son,
With my friend.

Moving.
The story of why
is an omnibus.
The reasons are varied,
And somewhat unrelated.

It’s a great thing,
To be able to just pack up and move
When and where you want.

It’s a great thing,
The business of options.
Leaving behind memories
Memories that bust my heart
Wide open.

They are not so intense here.

At times I want to recreate them.
For a moment.
For the business of longing to be abated.

That bus carries more pain in it’s cargo.
The past can’t be resurrected.
It creates the present,
And the present is different.

Some memories
I brought with me,
I never want them lost.
I never want to have to go
Bushwacking to remember
How those things felt,
Or what caused them.

Happiness runs like a bus.
Careening through the streets
Of my life.
Showing me new paths
New directions.
A new way to live.
It’s a great thing,
To be free.

By Deborah E. Dayen

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Circle of Friends

They are having a retirement party for me at work. It’s like a break in the day, in the lunchroom, usually ice cream cake and cookies. The pres of the company give a little speech, and they usually present you with a gift of some kind. It’s a nice thing to do. They are usually a surprise, but my boss told me his brother, the pres, won’t be here next week, so they want to do it this week.

Then there was a note on my desk, asking where to get the cake and cookies, lol. Because I have either planned or been a big part of the planning of these things up until my own. I definitely appreciate it though, it will be nice.

Then the friend who is going with me to FL is having Paint Nite at her house that night. That will be so much fun. If my painting turns out ok, I’ll put up a picture. It will be another good chance to see more of my friends before I leave.

I guess I just have to not think about what I’m doing, saying goodbye to everyone. Just like, I’m going away for a vacation or something and I’ll be back. Because I’m afraid I’m going to be crying for like a month between now and when I leave. When I think of all the things I’ve gone through with this bunch, how they’ve been there for me, keeping me close, helping keep my head on straight. And loving me even when I didn’t listen to them, because they could see what I preferred to be blind to.  When my family fell apart, and I couldn’t see my son, they invited me into their homes for family dinners, and included me, treated me as a family member.

I will miss them, friends of a life time. But I won’t lose them. They’ll come see me, I’ll come up here and see them. We’ll talk on the phone, and FB messenger. We will stay part of each others lives.

I’ll see more of the friends I grew up with, many of whom already are in FL, and the ones that aren’t come down often and visit, and will be relocating there within a few years. It’s like full circle.

I’m really really blessed. I’ve known quite a few people whose circle is small, very small. 1 or 2 people. My ex hasn’t got anyone, but that’s the way he wants it. To have friends, you have to be a friend. Be willing to go out on that limb, not knowing what the outcome will be, and not worrying about it. I’m just so grateful for the people in my life.

Love and light

Sunday Thoughts

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The weather here has retreated back to winter for a few days.  An Alberta Clipper dumped a few inches of snow on us in a very short time this morning, and now has stopped.  Yesterday it was warm and rainy, typical spring weather.  Like me, the weather can’t quite let go of the past, yet, knows that the best is yet to come. 

Still, I know that the past is not what I want. And the future is so bright, right now.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. Well…not getting to sleep, staying asleep. I think, left-over emotions from Maggie’s passing. She was the first living being that I have stood by, watching as she left this world little by little. Letting her go, little by little. And grateful, when her time came, that she was no longer in pain. Grateful that she had been in my life for these last 8 ½ years, to comfort me when I most needed it, to love me when the darkness came, when the fear for and missing of my son overwhelmed me. When the illusion of being loved was no longer an option. When the person who loved me the best, the most, the longest, the purest, left this world.

Honestly, she would hear me cry, and hop up on the bed, and lay on the pillow next to me, resting herself on my arm, or hand, purring loudly. She was my constant companion, where I was, she was. When she heard my mediation music go on in the morning, she would jump up on the couch, walk around me, rub her head against my cheek, and lay down beside me purring, as I drifted into the space between the words. She always greeted me by the door when I came home, having been alerted that I was home by the garage door opening. It will take me some time not to be looking for her to race up the stairs ahead of me, and then sit in the bathroom, waiting for me to turn on the water in the sink for her drink.

Watching her slide into the void, sharing that experience with her, felt like an honor. She was here, she slowly drifted away. She seemed afraid in moments, she was calmed by my voice and my hand petting her head gently. My son too, throughout her last night, came up to check on her often. He brought her food and water bowls in the room where I had made her a bed, he took food out of the bowl and put it by her head, trying to will her to eat a little.

Her loss, brought up the other losses, of the last few months. I work my way through all those emotions, again, and wonder when they will just be memories, and not arouse pain, or longing, or wistfulness. When I will just miss those people, without attachment to their loss. When will all the working through will be done.

I have found that missing someone is easier than losing them. Most of the time, I can miss those who are gone from my life, and it is just an undercurrent of my life. Part of who I am, what makes me the unique person I am. But another loss, makes a new crack, and before the light fills it, the emotions all pour out of the crack, into my heart. When they are done, finished, the light will fill the crack, I will have a greater glow than before.

The people we have loved will always live on in our hearts, they will always have a place there. The energy connections remain, a comforting hum in the cacophonous din of the world.

Love and light….

Along For The Ride

 

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Crazy day.  I went back to work for 4 hours after the emergency room visit.  Then I raced home to meet with my realtor at my house at 6 PM..  I won’t be listing it for what I’d hoped, the market it just swarmed with houses in this price range.  But not a lot less.  I’ll be fine.  She made a bunch of suggestions most of which I was doing anyway.

As soon as she left I heard from the Florida realtor.  All is progressing as I’d like it to there.

It’s coming together.  I can’t even say “slow but sure” because since I went to Florida it’s moving at light speed.  I feel like I am being pulled along some hyper drive pathway at the moment.  It’s kinda cool, actually.  I’m not expending a ton of effort, it seems it’s just falling into place.

When I came home to get my son, the guy was here looking at the lawn and flower and shrubs beds, and he said he’ll give me a call, to give me prices.  Happy about that!

So where am I?  Moving at light speed from the old stuff.  Stuff which kept me down, kept me insecure, kept me fearful, and unfulfilled. Every day those emotions seem more foreign to me, to who I am, to what I want to do with my life.  I feel armed now, with the knowledge of how intensely I am capable of loving someone, of the knowledge of how to let trust be built with another person, and the joy that comes when pain no longer exists.

Life is changing so fast, but it’s changing in the direction that I’m comfortable with.  It’s not freaking me out, it’s actually calming me.  Kinda cool.  I’m just along for the ride of a lifetime.

Love and light.

Leaning In

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I’m a little fuzzy this morning, ever so slightly hung over from staying out and having that one more glass of wine last night. We had a nice time. The restaurant had a blues band playing, complete with a keyboard player, a couple of saxophones, two guitars, a drummer. They were good! We sat at the bar, talked to a guy who was a retired attorney for awhile. Nice guy, but obviously still angry at his wife for custody issues when he got divorced, and his kids are adults with kids of their own. Talk about holding on to something.  He was my age, but I think his interest was in my 50 yr old friend, lol. Whatever, we had a nice time. It’s always nice to get out.

My friend and I are in sync with our relationships, both of us having ended one in which we were passionately in love. We can relate. When I got home I was actually missing S, and in my weakened, too much alcohol state, it was all I could do not to text him. I wrote about it instead, but chose not to publish it. I figured I might feel different when I woke this morning. And I do. It was a wave, it wasn’t a permanent state of being. A week ago I never thought I’d ever miss him, lol. And today, I don’t miss him, not that way. I’m pretty sure yesterday’s work on understanding what was going on was just stuff that came up with the help of the gongs, that needed to be sat with, so it could dissipate. It seems to be where I am today. Learning to lean into the discomfort, and deal with it.

This is why I go to the gongs. They facilitate going deep enough, gently enough, in a safe, supportive environment, to allow the stuff that we need to let go of, show up, so we can let it go. The stuff we bury doesn’t die. We have to deal with it, in a healthy way, that is sometimes painful for the moment, but leaves you free to move forward. So yesterday was a kind of rough day, but totally worth it and it ended well.

It was so warm yesterday, so spring like! Almost 60, after being below 0 just a week ago. It was nice to go out and not have to dress in so many layers. Today promises to be the same. It’s bright and sunny out. Such a nice break from winter.

The friend I was out with is the friend who knows someone who might want my house. She told me last night they are very interested, and will probably want to see the house in the next couple of weeks. Which means, I have to continue the deep cleaning I started last week. I took a bunch of pics yesterday of the outside of the house, and my living room, and sent them to my friend. This would be so amazing if it worked. If it gets to the point of them wanting to see the house, I’ll have to get one of those “For Sale By Owner” kits, lol. I’m beginning to think the Universe thinks I need to get moved ASAP, lol!

Well, the coffee pot is on, I’m on my second cup. I need to shake the fog out of my head so I can get some productive work done on the house today. Maybe a couple ibuprofen would help, lol. I started the kitchen yesterday, but have a lot more to do.

I also want to do some cooking today. Making BBQ beef in my crock pot, and I’ve been dying for cheddar cheese cauliflower sausage soup. That will give me left overs for the week.

It’s amazing though to me, that with all this stuff to do, and with a slight hangover, I am motivated to get it done. Feel like I’m picking up speed on the walking away thing.

Love and light to all.

 

 

 

 

A Good Place

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Feeling a little passively content this morning.  Not so angry at S, as I have been for 24 hours, which followed reading my blogs from last summer.  I had a hard time with them.  I was in so much pain, all summer.  Trying to make sense of what was happening to our relationship, nothing fitting together. I know he read every one of them, and knew the pain he was causing with his lies, and didn’t care….as long as he was getting what he wanted.

But that’s who he is.  He is who he is, I’m just glad to know now, and be out of it.  I accept him as he is, I don’t invite him into my life though.

I’m sure that the loving attention I get from A has soothed the anger.  It reminds me how insignificant S’s behavior is, in the face of someone loving you.  Sometimes I want to be with A, but I’m so fickle right now, I know sometimes I won’t. Or, I’m afraid I won’t.  Right now, he is not rushing, or pushing me in any direction, he’s just loving me, and I’m just loving him, from a distance, and it is very healing.  Just the right amount of relationship for me, while I continue to put the one with S in it’s proper place, and gain perspective on it.

I’ve learned that I caused so much of the pain I experienced, by trusting S with out his having earned my trust.  I’ve learned that I have to love myself first, and demand what I need.  Over the summer, I thought what I needed was him, but when he refused, what I needed and demanded was that he let me go.  I realize now, that I should have just gone, I didn’t need his permission, or release, because he wasn’t going to give it.  He wanted me to continue to adore him, to desire him…..no matter the cost to me.

I’m stronger now, and wiser.  Whoever I love next, will get a balanced, more mature love, and all the passion I lavished on S…I will have more for the next one.  Because I will make wiser choices, I will love myself more and know my own worth and therefore, attract someone who also feels that way about himself and me. No more high school drama.

It’s all good.  I’m in a good place this morning.  Content again.

Tale of Two Men, or , Too Long In the Darkness

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One man is mad with power.  Unable to feel empathy.  Disrespectful of everyone’s wishes, desires, love, care….dishonors everyone, in the pursuit of what he wants.  Never accountable for the destruction that he leave behind him with every footstep.   Convincingly, he tells people what they want to hear, and when they believe his false story, he uses them to do his bidding.  So they will fill his need, his desire.  He offers them some future compensation that he knows he will never give them.  Pretty soon everything he says is a lie, and darkness surrounds him and follows him and envelops anyone who tries to love him.

One man is vulnerable, sweet, loving, fearless.  He feels others pain, more acutely than his own, and is there. Beside them.  Wiping their tears, reminding them they have worth.  Sees people at their worst and tells them that’s when he loves them the most.   He never misses a chance to connect. To be kind.  To show his love, even if he knows you don’t feel quite the same. The light follows him everywhere, every word, every breath.  If he goes into the dark, he brings the light with him.

With the first man, the love was fire, and now it’s ash.  It’s a gray film on the heart, all the loving fire has been dulled, and burned out, burned away.  The fire of lies, and deception reduced it all to nothing but powdery ash, waiting for the first rain to wash it into the ground, to begin transformation into something else.

With the he second man, the love was cool, and now it builds.  He is easy, his warmth crosses the miles.  His unconditional love floats on the breeze and caresses my soul.  She thinks, why….do I deserve this?  It’s not to ask….

There is no asking, why, for either of them.

One chooses disconnection, disinterest, disharmony, solitary solitude.  Why?  It’s not to ask, it’s his to tell, if he ever chooses to.  Or to hide.  Or to hide from.

One chooses love, connection, compassion, kindness richness of life.  His light just shines.  Why?  It’s not to ask.  It’s to accept. Why?  It’s his to tell if he chooses.  Or to live.  He doesn’t care why, he just is.

Two men, a perfect dichotomy.  Everything one is, the other is not.  The ying and the yang, clear in front of me.   I rest.  Too long in the darkness, I seek the light.