Feeling a little passively content this morning. Not so angry at S, as I have been for 24 hours, which followed reading my blogs from last summer. I had a hard time with them. I was in so much pain, all summer. Trying to make sense of what was happening to our relationship, nothing fitting together. I know he read every one of them, and knew the pain he was causing with his lies, and didn’t care….as long as he was getting what he wanted.
But that’s who he is. He is who he is, I’m just glad to know now, and be out of it. I accept him as he is, I don’t invite him into my life though.
I’m sure that the loving attention I get from A has soothed the anger. It reminds me how insignificant S’s behavior is, in the face of someone loving you. Sometimes I want to be with A, but I’m so fickle right now, I know sometimes I won’t. Or, I’m afraid I won’t. Right now, he is not rushing, or pushing me in any direction, he’s just loving me, and I’m just loving him, from a distance, and it is very healing. Just the right amount of relationship for me, while I continue to put the one with S in it’s proper place, and gain perspective on it.
I’ve learned that I caused so much of the pain I experienced, by trusting S with out his having earned my trust. I’ve learned that I have to love myself first, and demand what I need. Over the summer, I thought what I needed was him, but when he refused, what I needed and demanded was that he let me go. I realize now, that I should have just gone, I didn’t need his permission, or release, because he wasn’t going to give it. He wanted me to continue to adore him, to desire him…..no matter the cost to me.
I’m stronger now, and wiser. Whoever I love next, will get a balanced, more mature love, and all the passion I lavished on S…I will have more for the next one. Because I will make wiser choices, I will love myself more and know my own worth and therefore, attract someone who also feels that way about himself and me. No more high school drama.
It’s all good. I’m in a good place this morning. Content again.